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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:

Lurkedforever1 · 04/07/2016 14:00

Me too, it's not just badly behaved partners that would concern me.

minipie · 04/07/2016 14:13

I do understand the concerns are about privacy as well as bad behaviour.

But IMO some women's desire for privacy may be outweighed by other women's desire for their DP's help. Because having a strange (but well behaved) man seeing your boobs or bloodstained clothes is IMO not as bad as being unable to reach your baby or go to the loo in the middle of the night.

Whereas badly behaved men are a different kettle of fish. Anyway it sounds like that does happen quite a lot - I will look up the other threads which give examples.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 14:19

"But IMO some women's desire for privacy may be outweighed by other women's desire for their DP's help."

It's a staffing issue which must not be papered over by men staying overnight.

minipie · 04/07/2016 14:20

Yes I agree with that in principle, of course. Unfortunately saying that won't magic up new staff.

AyeAmarok · 04/07/2016 14:20

I think the complete opposite of this.

A woman's right to not have to have her boobs/injured fanjo and blood-stained clothes on display to strange men when they're in hospital absolutely trumps another woman's desire for their DP's help, IMO.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 14:21

Needing help is an argument for better staffing, not for partners on wards in place of staff. What about women who can't have partners there - because they're single, or partners are away, or looking after older DC? Who's going to pass them their babies and help them to the loo if we're shunting that off onto medical staff?

I suppose the argument is that if some women have partners helping out, there'll be more staff available to help the unaccompanied women. But in my experience with Mr I Must Monopolise All The Staff's Attention As Much As I Possibly Can Because I Am The Most Important Person Ever, idiot husband of the woman in the bed next to me, that isn't how it would look in practice.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 14:35

You hardly have your fanny on show do you. Check your clothes before leaving your bay. Trust me the men arnt their to look at your ass or fanny they are their to help their wives/partners. My oh couldn't of given a shit about other people and was very quiet during his stay and used the designated toilet for men

So your privacy comes first. The women in the next bay could be struggling with a hungry baby and can't lift them and cent get help despite pressing the buzzer but as long as you have some peace that's OK ? Ridulcous.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 14:39

"Trust me the men arnt their to look at your ass or fanny"

Oh, that's all right then. I was really worried that the men would find me irresistible and try to ravish me in the night. I feel completely reassured now that they don't want to look at my "fanny and ass"

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 14:40

Excellent username by the way, timetogrowup...........

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 14:42

The woman in the next bay should have staff to help her. So should the woman in the next-but-one bay who doesn't have a partner.

We can make this work on every other sodding ward, and we realise why people want single-sex wards then. There is no excuse for dropping the ball just because it's postnatal.

And your partner could be the loveliest bloke alive - I still don't know him, I still don't want him three feet away from me all night when I'm sore and bleeding and vulnerable, and besides, you are seriously kidding yourself if you think every other partner out there is as nice as yours. It's not like the bad ones wear badges to identify them, is it?

minipie · 04/07/2016 14:43

Of course better staffing is the ideal solution.

But we don't have that. Yet. Possibly ever.

So in the meantime, if it's a choice between some women sacrificing privacy and other women not being able to pick up their baby, I think privacy has to be sacrificed.

After all the men are there in the day anyway, so they'll see your boobs and bits then anyway (in fact even more clearly in the daylight)

Just bolding because everyone seems to have forgotten this in their privacy arguments

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 14:46

Yes we need more staff.

It's not going to happen. But should women suffer because of lack of staff?
If you where stuck on your bed unable to pick up your crying baby with no midwife coming despite buzzing several times how would you feel ?
A couple days is not going to kill you. Close your curtains if you don't like it then no one can see you can they.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 14:48

Actually, the staff usually did checks at non-visitor times on my PN ward, where that was possible.

If we can change the rules to have men there (and visitor facilities so they don't take up the toilets/showers, and comfy chairs so there's something for them to sleep in, and more space around the beds so they can fit without elbowing the woman in the next bed through the curtain, and all else), then we can change the rules to improve staffing.

Again: what happens to women whose partners aren't there? I've already seen first-hand that men being there for some women doesn't necessarily mean staff time gets freed up for others.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 14:49

Yes their are bad men.
Their are also bad women out their. You think all the women your be sharing a ward with are angels to ?
Women arnt all saints either and actually the women annoyed me more- one women three bays away I heard all day and bloody night. It works both ways and your stuck with women I'm afraid

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 14:52

The other women there are also patients. Just like on a normal surgical ward - which will also be single-sex, with no partners staying overnight.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 14:54

But you don't need help with a baby on a normal ward do you ?
You can rest in bed all the time then.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 14:55

You still need to get out and go to the loo, have a shower, etc. You still aren't allowed to have your husband there to help you, however lovely he might be.

familyfarm · 04/07/2016 14:59

It's good for women who have family who are willing to take shifts.

If my husband stayed during the day, there is no way he would stay during the night. He'd be too tired.

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 15:15

Trust me the men arnt their to look at your ass or fanny they are their to help their wives/partners. My oh couldn't of given a shit about other people and was very quiet during his stay and used the designated toilet for men

Unbelievable.

It's not about whether they are interested in looking at my intimate parts- it's the fact that I don't want to feel guarded or as if I have to cover up on a bloody post natal ward which is designed for WOMEN to recover in peace and privacy.

I just find it scandalous that post natal is effectively being mooted as a mixed ward when I cannot imagine any other set of patients who would tolerate it.

I need to feel relaxed when I go to sleep and I can't do that if three other couples are having a chat or sitting around just feet away and the midwife is insisting my curtains are open so staff can keep an eye on me. It's not private. It's public.

I don't want to go to sleep in public.

ChipsandGuac · 04/07/2016 15:23

The only time I was in a ward was with DC1. The woman in the bed opposite had the worst partner who loudly complained to her and then to us that he had blue balls and kept dry humping the poor woman. The idea he could have been there overnight too is horrific.

It put me off so much I went for the 4 hour leaving for the next 3. You couldn't get me out of there fast enough.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 15:25

So it's ok for some women to suffer in pain because you want a good night's sleep ?
Cover up. R u saying you'd be ok walking around half naked with blood all over you in front of other women.
Most men are grown up enough not to care.
Besides they can visit during the day. Do you hide away then ?
I had obs during visiting hours

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 15:26

Nobody is saying women should be suffering in pain, ffs. And how do you think partners at night would fix that anyway? Unless you think everyone's partner is a dab hand with a morphine drip?

ChipsandGuac · 04/07/2016 15:32

Timetogrowup the difference is the other women are going through the same thing. I don't think many women would judge another woman because she had blood on her nightie as she pops to the loo because there is every chance so will you.

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 15:35

Cover up. R u saying you'd be ok walking around half naked with blood all over you in front of other women

Sorry, are you implying that if women don't want men to see them on the post natal ward that they should cover up? They shouldn't bloody have to!

And yes, I don't care if other post natal patients see me like that as they're in the same boat.

Why should we have to argue for privacy on the post natal ward? It should be a given!

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 15:37

Most men are grown up enough not to care

Oh my God.
ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT THE MEN THINK.

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