What would you tell a first time mum about labour?

[LJHH]

I'm not scared of labour as I'm more excited to meet our DS, but I think (with 6 weeks til due date) it's time to start thinking about it and not having my head buried in the sand anymore...

Soooo, as a FTM, what do you wish somebody had told you or you that you had known before you gave birth for the first time?

(I'm thinking the books will give a rosy outlook with lots of smug looking couples and I'd rather be a bit prepared)

I realise a birth plan is just what happens in an ideal situation and can be thrown out the window in an instant. Was hoping to go into the midwife led unit, at the moment I don't want a epidural, not because I'm being brave and can take the pain and all that rubbish but because I'm a bit needle phobic and the thought of it already panics me. Again appreciate I may change my mind on that as well but am I right in thinking that you cannot have one in the MLU and need to go to the "proper" labour wards?
Trust me, I want drugs just not that!

Wow this turned out to be a massive post!

moomin it is the time between the cervix being fully dilated and starting to push. Can be barely noticed by some women, or can be half an hour where nothing seems to be happening. Some women feel confused and shaky around this time. Sometimes this is the point women ask for the first pain relief, or feel they can't do it any more. As many different experiences of transition as there are women

I would tell a ftm, labour is a means to an end, it is very painful, but it will end and the more you fight it, the worse it will be.

Once nearing the pushing stage, if you feel panicked, and unable to do it, this is transition, it should be welcomed as this indicates your baby is nearly here. Calm down, regroup and follow what your body is doing.

Drugs are there for a reason, if you want it, ask for it, there is no shame.

If you are induced before the drip is put in, insist on an epidural.

Not all first labours are long. Not all inductions take 3 days. Induced at 6pm, DS born 5am.

v true. for my first i was induced nearly two months early (broken water), drip was put in at noon, baby born by 9pm same day!

Relax your hands and jaws - clenching those muscles takes away energy from where it is needed - this advice really helped me to focus and stay calm. Also try not to be scared go with your body it will take over and do what it needs to do.

Try and listen to the midwives they are trying to help you get through this a quickly and painlessly as possible.

That it won't last forever. But don't Google longest ever child labour!

Good luck.

Also don't worry about going primal, the world and his dog looking at your netters… by the time you are in established labour you really won't give two hoots. I am really shy about my body and quite reserved so I was really nervous about this.

Thanks princess. I've seen it mentioned a lot but I don't remember the midwives mentioning it - probably because by the time the midwives realised I was 10cm dilated, I had been for an hour and DD's head was coming out I'd just assumed it was a painful poo and was trying to hold it in without realising it was DD's head

Contractions can be entirely in your lower back, sacrum, pelvis and not feel anything in your bump at all.

Tens machines are great if the pain is in your back.

Water pool is amazing. If you are able to try the pool it makes such a difference you might not need any other pain relief.

Finally, in the early part, when at home make sure you don't clench your jaw during the contractions. For some weird reason clenching your jaw seems to stop you dilating. Breath in through your nose and out gently through pursed lips like you are blowing out birthday candles.

[I was clenching my jaw as I breathed out all morning and thought I was going to die/need an epidural / scream. Soon as I got the breathing right it was all totally manageable and I was able to stay home till 8cm dilated].

Just about the only useful thing I learnt at the ante-natal class we attended was that the really painful bit of a contraction lasts only about 20 seconds. I found it really helpful to count through the unbearable bit.

Try not to worry about any of the horrid things that happen right at the end, e.g. 'crowning' or having an episiotomy (I was really worried about this in advance). Knowing that you are minutes or seconds away from meeting your baby makes these things quite easy to deal with even if they seem scary in advance!

Don't set your standards too high: the goal is to get through it, not to do it 'right'. You're not a failure if you have pain relief when you swore you wouldn't, etc.

museumum good point. With DD2, all the pain was in the tops of my legs. Not in my bump at all.

Oh, and on that, pushing isn't like it is on the telly. In fact with DD2, I didn't. I didn't "breathe her out" in the way some describe on MN. She just came out. Of her own volition, and in her own extremely short space of time. Four minute second stage.

Well the MW who let me stay in did say she knew by the look of me that once my waters went, that'd be it! Not sure the MW who took over and actually delivered DD thought it would be quite that quick as she was on the other side of the room writing in my notes when I delivered the head.

I wish I had known what to expect from a crash section. Our expensive NCT class had glossed over the c section bit and the teacher even said 'oh that won't happen to any of you.' Plenty of births end in an EMCS/crash and if she had talked us through it I wouldn't have been so bloody terrified and DH might not have burst into tears

Worth reading up on it so that if things don't go according to plan, it isn't necessarily scary. Vast majority of EMCS/crash sections end well of course and it is helpful to know what to expect.

I think the recovery was the hard bit. Nobody told me I might have trouble sitting, weeing, pooing, moving!

Well this got a lot of replies! Thank you everybody, as I said before, i do appreciate it and I have read them all

2 useful points that are worth passing on:

1. Stats say that only 40% of births are "normal" ie. vaginal with no intervention like ventouse or problems like cord round neck, infection etc.

This means that more births do have some kind of issue. So if one crops up dont panic, its very likely, but the most most likely result is healthy baby and a sore mum. Its only a day or two of your life, and its soon over.

1. I had two EMCS and should have read up more and prepared more for what they woould be like and the recovery afterwards.

My NCT class gave me loads of info on Vaginal births but barely nothing on C sections. Maybe better now as that was years ago, but many mums end up with C sections, its best to know about them!

Good luck, its all SO worth it!

Trust yourself & your instincts. Start in labour & stick with that once they're born. It's been a long road over the last 3 years & this is the most important lesson I've learnt!

Get through it any way that makes sense for you, have lactulose on hand for afterwards because constipation after a c-section is not fun, remember there are no medals for natural childbirth and nobody will be able to tell in years to come how your baby was born. I was induced with both of mine and had one forceps birth and one crash section. I have an 8 year old and a 6 year old and they're both awesome. Dd2 wouldn't be here without my crash section.

That having an epidural is a lot less scary than you think, and that it gives you time to recover if you are in labour for a long time, and that actually it might give you a better outcome and recovery than if you resist it at all costs.

Had EMCS and epidural with no2 and looking back at how calm and chilled it was once The epidural took hold I regretted no1's birth and subsequent struggle to get through second stage labour (because I was exhausted) and then no recovery time before being up all night with a crying baby that I had neither the knowledge or energy to handle. I WISH I had gone for the epidural first time round. I truly believe it would have saved the PND and shell shock of dc1.

Oh, and I (pretty stupidly I realise now) obviously had NO idea of what a post labour ward would be like. Because after only 3 hours of sleep in 48 hours I thought that once I got back to the ward someone might take my baby so I could get some sleep. They didn't, of course, and she really did cry all night (and so did I, I was beyond exhausted, utterly shocked by the birth and desperately missed DH). I was in hospital for 3 days (Group b strep) if I had gone straight home I think those first few months would have been entirely different.

Like I say second time round was utterly brilliant despite EMCS (which was calm, joyful and relaxed!)

I would agree with the people who say don't invest too much in the actual birth. As long as your child arrives safely and you are both well,the exact way he/she arrives does not matter too much. There is no need to be disappointed or feel a failure if you have a different birth to the one you imagined.
Personally, I had a great birth because I asked for an early epidural. I always knew I wanted it asap. I had one before the pain was very bad and then spent labour watching DVDs on the laptop. I did not feel disappointed that I did not experience great pain. I still managed to push baby out myself and was really pleased with myself. If I had forceps or Caesar or whatever, I would still have been proud of myself. So, birth doesn't even have to be extremely painful...although this does seem to be the norm. However, I don't think there is a need to see this as inevitable. If you really want to avoid serious pain, just keep being clear that you want an early epidural. Again though, things don't always work out as you want. I know people who have been too far gone to have an epidural....again,not worth eing hideously upset about afterwards.
Wish I had known that once I was on post natal ward,there would not be much attention. No one told me when to go for meals or that you take your baby to the loo with you. A simple card of this kind of information would be useful on wards, esp if there are not many staff around.

What i wish someone had told me: one in three first labours is a c section. Prepare, just in case!

'Personally, I had a great birth because I asked for an early epidural'

doh - i was turned down for one - maybe i would have had a great birth had i managed to get one!

OP take food with you, and if you want pain relief know that the epidural is the most effective form - believe me a stuck back to back baby and an episiotomy without pain relief sucks - there are no badges for not having pain relief.

After weeks of tightenings across my bump (admitted every time, rigged up to monitor, then they'd stop after 4 or 5 hours), my labour was all in my lower back and tops of my legs. Oh, and I felt like I wanted to poop but could never go. Hint: if you keep feeling like you want to go to the loo, tell the midwife and don't let them just leave you to it - turns out I was merrily getting myself to 10cm's by running back and forth to the loo and arsing around with a tens machine, and the midwives were none the wiser as they were seeing to the women that were making more noises than me.
Personally though, although I read a book and talked to friends about their experiences, I just figured I'd go with it and see what happened. As it was, I was in with two women who had read everything they could get their hands on and basically wound themselves up because things weren't happening in accordance with what they'd read. A bit of info can be handy I s'pose, but I don't think babies care about what a book says. As for the birth itself, it was far from a text-book birth, put it that way! The upshot was though, DS was safely out (albeit covered in his own poop) and, after a trip to theatre, I was fine too. Which, in the grand scheme of things, was a pretty good result! And it couldn't have been that bad really, as I'm due to do it all again in September. So, from personal experience, I'd just say to go with it - if you're the sort that likes to read lots, then do that...but try not to take it too seriously. If you're the sort to think that we were made to give birth, then just go with it. Painkillers were invented for a reason - to stop things from hurting. Big deal if you fancy giving them a go, it doesn't matter if you're in with an earth-mother type that doesn't believe in them - they're meant to make things easier, like washing machines and ovens, so unless they're into doing their washing in a stream and cooking over an open fire, smile sweetly and then say 'yes please' (or 'give them to me now!!) to the midwife when they offer you things to make the pain go away. Good luck! x

Don't worry, it's fine, and it's awesome being in the 'I've given birth and am thus a legend' club

OP, I was in an antenatal ward for nearly a month with my last (5th) child, due to a complication.

On that ward, we watched every single induction and they left them up on the ward for ages before transferring them down to delivery. After a while, us old lags would bet on how long their labours were. The panicky ones seemed to go on much longer...

One first time mum came in the night before with her husband, and we could hear them going on and on about "The Book" and how they were going to insist on this, and make sure they got that... We saw The Book was some massive NCT tome.

The next day, she was induced and several of us (not first time) mums had to hide our laughter when she said to bloke "It's not like it said in The Book"... Too right, mate. It really isn't.

When I had my first kid can remember on the ward the day after, some women were being shown round as part of their antenatal classes, and one poked her head round the door and asked us all "What's it really like?" The woman next to me said to me quietly: "Shall we tell her?"

We decided against it.

No books and words can prepare you. People say a first labor might be 16 hours. Mine was 67 minutes. And not particularly terrible, if I'm honest. I later had good labours and bad ones - one was 21 minutes. Another a mighty 2 hours. Oddly, the longer ones were the easiest as it gets in a kind of pattern. Also the fast ones are too fast for pain relief and have no discernible 'stages'.

My best advice comes from my own experience and observation of lots of women going into labour over that month I had in the antenatal ward... Be gung ho. Be fearless. Go for it. The women who seemed panicky or petrified really did seem to have far longer labours. I dunno if any midwives have noticed this? A lot of it is out of your control but some of it isn't.

FWIW my best labour was the longest because they had time to get an epidural in. I was actually having a cup of tea as I gave birth to my 3rd kid, so effective was the pain relief. I had several other kids with no pain control. Because they knew I laboured fast and so wouldn't let me even attempt it. One of my kids was delivered into the bare hands of a midwife who had been having a coffee break, and refused to believe I could go that fast. Student pulled her back into the room and she didn't get time to pull on her gloves. About a second before I had said I was about to have the baby and she said I most definitely wasn't. That taught her. ;o)