What would you tell a first time mum about labour?

[LJHH]

I'm not scared of labour as I'm more excited to meet our DS, but I think (with 6 weeks til due date) it's time to start thinking about it and not having my head buried in the sand anymore...

Soooo, as a FTM, what do you wish somebody had told you or you that you had known before you gave birth for the first time?

(I'm thinking the books will give a rosy outlook with lots of smug looking couples and I'd rather be a bit prepared)

I realise a birth plan is just what happens in an ideal situation and can be thrown out the window in an instant. Was hoping to go into the midwife led unit, at the moment I don't want a epidural, not because I'm being brave and can take the pain and all that rubbish but because I'm a bit needle phobic and the thought of it already panics me. Again appreciate I may change my mind on that as well but am I right in thinking that you cannot have one in the MLU and need to go to the "proper" labour wards?
Trust me, I want drugs just not that!

Wow this turned out to be a massive post!

My midwife wants to write a birth plan with me next week, so I'm assuming if they go to the trouble of writing it with you. That they will take note of it on the big day?

I put I wanted epidural after long thought, research and discussion, in labour, in immense pain, my mw at the hospital asked what pain relief,...i said epidural....she said pethadine....

your community MW and your actual MW will have very different ideas which is why said - check your hospitals policies on epidural s..

I was denied one, I was told by a consultant afterwards...my labour would probably not have been slowed down by one - as I had such an amazing first birth....and I should have been allowed one.

I wasnt,

I had an ELC the next time and it was AMAZING.

The post natal ward is ridiculously insanely hot. Bring light loose clothes, you will want to wear as little as on a beach, so pack thin cotton things.

Ah MN at its best! The one big thing to realise is that we are all different and yet the books and the professionals patronise us by making out that it is pretty much the same. Oh and every baby/delivery is different so don't expect the later ones to be the same as the first. (However it is def usual for later babies to be bigger and to be delivered faster).
I would like to share my own thoughts based on my experience - just for your consideration and appreciation of the spectrum of experience. First we were a bit unusual in that both pregnancies were planned and I knew when implantation occurred as I had to get up in the night to go to the loo and felt tired, thirsty and coffee smelled foul! I was sick every morning with both for the first trimester - worse with the second (DD). But it wasn't the stomach upset type of nausea I had endured as a teen - when it was done it was done! I understood from the beginning that my brain - the part that runs the body not the conscious mind - was in charge and calling the shots. (Normally it is my obedient servant coping with whatever I choose to throw at it!) I obeyed - sleeping in the afternoon, drinking lots of water, no alcohol or coffee and eating a healthy balanced diet. I never had a pregnancy test as it was simply not needed!

I worked right up to maternity leave - long hours and lots of driving but felt marvellous. Before anyone gets annoyed just stop and consider that the time I felt best was the 18m I was pregnant - all the rest of my life not so good...
I worked from home so could often nap in the day.
Now the birth - my Mum was a former nurse and HV so I wanted her there and my DH as he was totally cool and had assisted lambing and foaling and taught science. Good job too as I was totally sidelined during labour - my brain took over and I don't remember much as I was sort of 'away with the fairies'! It turned out that first stage had happened without me feeling a thing - I had been sitting in an auction that afternoon with my parents. My waters broke as I stood up in the bath before dinner and contractions started in minutes and were four minutes apart so dinner was abandoned. As luck would have it the worst midwife was on duty when I went into hospital (no way would I risk my baby with a home birth). The MW could not understand that a primagravida could not have felt first stage and be in second - it was not possible in her mind. Then a young MW who was the daughter of a farmer neighbour came on duty and saw that I was fully dilated and was in second stage. I felt no pain whatsoever. It was just muscles working very hard doing the job they were designed for. Both labours were under 60 mins total. Hey, once again are some of you getting cross? A big downside was that my labours were fast because my body just parted to let them through. I have terrible stretch marks and had to have a vaginal repair afterwards and have never been the same. (another good reason to have left the babies until the 30s...).

I am not the only mother not to have experienced pain during labour. When a group of mothers are gathered together discussing it we are the ones who keep quiet as we are not allowed to speak of our experience because for some weird reason other mothers take it as a personal criticism! Sometimes our eyes meet though. We are a small minority I think, but I would so like to explore whether more women could persuade their brains to let them off the pain part! Especially my DD. My second was the same btw.

But I am intrigued by the whole caboodle - the brain dominant from day one. I wonder whether because I was obedient and cooperative all through pregnancy my brain did not need to use pain to immobilise my interfering conscious mind. I had no idea of this before - practised no 'method' or anything; just obeyed.

My DD will be advised - and I really mean that in this context - that if she has significant stretch marks have a Caesarian Section no messing. For all my birth experience was quick and pain free I wish I had had CS. We are called upon to donate for the treatment of fistula in the third world but does no-one ever think that plenty of mothers in the UK are damaged too? One foul (Iraqi) consultant even said 'Well what did you expect?' and I left in tears.

If you are still reading I hope my experience illustrates the rollercoaster we are on with pregnancy and childbirth. The only pain relief I had was gas and air and a local when I was stitched. They were full term big babies. Oh and I took Folic Acid as advised pre conception. But the main thing was my total cooperation and joy in pregnancy - despite the sickness and even sinusitis (never had that again fingers crossed but now I really can sympathise with those for whom it is a regular affliction). All the best and 'go with the flow'!

Listen to your midwife and also to your own body. You'll be surprised at how you can cope when you need to.

Stay positive throughout.

The most helpful thing anyone said to me was "if it was that bad, no woman would do it more than once" (thanks, Mum!).

Have not read the thread yet, but will do so in a minute.

My biggest tip is that you do not need a birthing ball, stereo, iPod to play on the stereo, batteries for the stereo, a pillow from home, v-pillow from home, blanket from home, several changes of jimjams, lots of munchies in case it's a long labour, toiletry bag with all your favourite toiletries in... as well as the usual baby stuff needed like nappies and changes of clothes etc. DH, my female birthing partner, and the midwives appreciated a bit of pink floyd while I gave birth, I barely heard it

First birth I took pretty much my entire home. Second birth I took significantly less, DH left it all in the car and I have birth in the t-shirt I was wearing as I didn't want anyone touching me to take it off. It was actually very poignant as it was an purple t-shirt with embroidered LOVE written on it bought from USA. All I actually needed were jimjams to change into, clean clothes, wash bag, and stuff for baby for one day/night. If I had needed more, DH would have brought it all when he returned with DD later that day.

Some munchies are a good idea. DD's delivery was a short first stage but very long second...

So is making a birth plan - and educating yourself as to what to expect if your labour doesn't follow the plan. I planned a low-tech water birth in my midwife-led unit, but made sure I went for the tour of the big hospital unit. It meant that when I was transferred there in an ambulance because labour had stalled, needed an epidural as prep in case I went for a C-section (I was one step away), had a post-partum haemorrhage and wound up staying for a week, I knew what to expect and it wasn't a traumatic experience like it could have been.

And something no-one ever even suggested: you might not feel an urge to push. At all. My body never told me to push, either with my DD's long labour or my DS's quick one. If I had realised that the first time round, my DD's birth might not have been so drawn out, my muscles wouldn't have got so overtired, I probably wouldn't have had the PPH... It doesn't happen often, apparently, but it can.

That no amount of classes, advice, planning and preparation can prepare you for giving birth. I reckon i could have delivered a midwifery teaching programme by the time i gave birth - when i actually went into labour i had no clue what was going on.

Make sure your birth partner knows anything that is important. Dh knew i did not want the injection for placenta and the midwife was about to guve it to me when dh piped up "you don't want that, truffle, do you"

All labours are of course different, but based on my experience:

• be prepared for the early part of labour to be long.....much longer than you might expect.

• be prepared for interventions, even if it's not what you ideally want. Stats show that a lot of first time labours need interventions. There are a number of reasons for this. I wish I'd known this beforehand so I could manage my own expectations.

• if you don't have the birth you want, understand that many don't and it's not your fault. I think I bought too much into the mindset of 'you can have the birth you want, you just have to want it enough'. Yes to positive thinking and doing all you can to have a natural birth, if that's what you want, but

• if your labour is taking a long time, don't discount pain relief. With my first (and only so far) baby, I laboured for 85 hours (yes, really!!) on gas and air alone even when on the pitocin drip for hours and with a back-to-back baby and only had 'proper' pain relief just before we went to theatre for forceps. I was determined to have a natural birth as I believed that all women are capable of doing so....Hmmmm!!! I now look back and think I shouldn't have swallowed the lines of a certain birthing culture quite so easily!! I was utterly exhausted by the birth and I think I would have had a better postpartum recovery and breastfeeding experience if I'd been less exhausted. An epidural would have allowed me to rest and while they can slow labour down, mine was studpidly slow anyway so not sure if would have made much difference IYSWIM?

• Do all you can to get baby in a good position as you approach your due date. Mine being back-to-back was the main reason for the long labour. I only found out after he was born that he'd been back-to-back though (rubbish midwife in that regard!!) Spend as much time as possible being upright, walking and also on all fours with your weight down on your forearms to encourage baby into a good position. Check out the 'spinning babies' website for tips.

• Read up on breathing techniques - hypnobirthing and Daisy Birthing offer good ones. They really helped me.

• Take a bottle of distilled witch hazel in your hospital bag. Pour a few drops on your maternity pads before you put them in your knickers for extra relief on your undercarriage after birth. If you're very sore, pop the pad into the fridge for a bit once you've poured the witch hazel on but before you use the pad - bliss!

• Start to do your pelvic floor exercises as soon as possible after giving birth and insist that your GP examine you at your 6 week check. Lots don't bother too and problems that are best corrected early on get missed.

Good luck!

Oh yes, truffle, I knew what transition was. I was well prepared! I wasn't going to be one of the people who begged for an epidural during it. I was just going to recognise it and breathe through it. No panicking or adrenalin rush for me!

Two labours, both times asked for an epidural during transition. In neither instance did I get it.

Although in fairness, with DD2 when the midwife said "Well, you're 8cm, stretching to 9" I thought, bugger it, I might as well just get on with it then. DD2 arrived twenty minutes later.

Not to listen to people when they say 'you won't want music, you won't want snacks' etc.

For me, snacks were very important especially on the postnatal ward, as I'd lost a lot of blood and felt very unsteady and light-headed (not to mention hungry!)
And I loved having music on in the labour room. I've told this story a fair few times on here but one of the highlights (obviously DD being born was the biggest highlight) was me, my OH, my mum, the two midwives and the labour ward sister, singing 'Hakuna Matata' while I was having contractions and dancing around with OH and the drip stand in my hand for me, having music on to distract me is one of the main reasons I feel I didn't need an epidural.

Don't let others tell you what you will and won't need - if it feels right to you, take it.

Labour will be over in a few hours (relatively!), it's how you feel afterwards I had no idea about. I felt like I had been hit by a bus, couldn't walk down the road despite being very fit and active pre baby. I also had no idea how long my belly would take to go down.

I had no idea about transition but didn't really have a major transition with ds1.

The best advice I read was to treat it like a marathon. You have to train for it and it is exhausting for your body to go through, not just for a few hours/days afterwards.

Nobody mentioned about weeing in labour.

If you want to wee but can't because baby's head is in the way ask to be catherterised. It's not fun labouring on an full bladder. Luckily with my first, the midwife was on the ball, noting how much I had drunk during my long labour and realised she would have to catherterise.
My third baby, I was left to it as I was hooked up to a machine. God knows what state my bladder would be in if I hadn't asked to be catheterised to take the pressure off.
Don't scream when you get to the pushing stage. Doesn't do anything but make you hoarse.
Don't go in with a set idea. I ideally would have had three homebirths. I only 'managed' one. Do not feel a failure if you can't get a handle on the pain. My last baby, the pain was unrelenting and continuous. I couldn't manage so asked for epidural. I didn't need it for my first two and managed on gas and air. You don't know how you are going to labour or how your body will respond.
Keep upright for as much as possible. Use your partner and any equipment necessary to do this. My third midwife told me the time she would come in for delivery. I made sure I hadn't topped up the epidural so I had some feeling in my legs to avoid delivering flat on my back. It also meant I could feel some contractions so I could push at the right time. Bloody pointless to push on your back with your feet in stirrups against the clock. I was able to deliver upright and let gravity do its work.

I was catheterised three time during labour - just to pee. I had no idea this was a thing either. It was fine, and I immediately felt so much better.

not specific detail from me but more of an overview

giving birth generally is not designed to be a passive experience.

there is NEVER any harm in saying to a medical professional who is telling you what to do "what happens if we wait for 5 minutes" there are obviously some answers which mean you get on and do what you are told however there are occasions where that space to let things progress means you can get there on your own (if that is what you want)

Oh and remember that 99.9% of the time the trained professionals around you are thinking only of the safest way to deliver your baby - not the cheapest or quickest or easiest.

minifingers - yes, where I said the baby wasn't breathing, I meant they lost trace of its heart beat on the machine they were using. A doctor was rushed in and started asking me about getting the baby out asap, which I apparently had to consent to. I didn't really get what was going on. So best to have a birth partner who is fully involved and can consent for you, if that is possible.
As for being told, on both occasions, by the midwife on the desk that I had come in too early and would do best to go home. They apparently think they can tell what stage you're at just by looking at you, and base this on how much pain you are displaying. Because I didn't look as though I was in a lot of pain (I was) they wanted to send me home. Not exactly scientific. In DC2's case the maternity ward was practically empty - there were literally only 2 of us who had a baby that day (very unpopular time of year for having babies). But when I said I wasn't going home because I felt that the baby would arrive very soon they refused to put me in the about to give birth ward, and instead put me on the has already given birth ward. An hour later I was on a trolley bed being wheeled at speed to the birthing ward as the midwife yelled "DON'T PUSH!!". If I'd gone home as told to then DC2 would have been born there.
Don't trust the midwifes, is all I'm saying, based on my experience and that of several friends.

I would not have been at all happy about midwife writing my care plan with me. I did my research, made it clear DH would be cutting cord and I required a natural third stage amongst other things. I also specified quite clearly that interventions without informed consent would be viewed as assaults.

I read a lot of birth stories and had plenty of horror stories - everyone likes to share those. The main theme that I saw is that those who managed on less pain relief and found the whole thing more manageable had shorter labours. This rang true for me.

I laboured mostly at home and was pretty comfortable - no need to breathe through contractions etc. When the time came to call the hospital it was closed. This panicked me and although it may be a coincedence the pain then rocketed.

I got to hospital after a very painful 45 minute journey and delivered a speedy ds within the hour. So, I didn't have any pain relief beyond gas and air and it wasn't as bad as I thought. It was very painful but short lived.

However, I was just lucky that it didn't last long. G&A didn't seem to do anything at the time but I was just straight into pushing really.

So - the moral of the story - it may not be as bad as you think, don't listen to the horror stories. Try and chill out at home as I;m convinced that being relaxed helps you manage the pain better than when you're stressed and tense. I could have made that up though.

Good luck OP! Labour & delivery is just the beginning of the adventure!

higgle my MW wrote my care plan and just wrote down what I asked her to. She/he would have followed your wishes.

Best bit of advice I was given was -

When the contractions start - count to 60, no contraction lasts longer than a minute & counting gives you something to focus your mind on & away from the pain.

Do take something such as Spirulina tablets or another natural & BFing safe iron supplement with you - just incase you lose a lot of blood & they keep you in with low blood pressure - this happened to me & took me several days, before the doctors finally explained what had caused my low BP & agreed that hospital food wasn't boosting my iron levels before I asked DH to bring me Spirulina, which picked me up quickly & they allowed me to go home.

Take a bottle of Lavender Aromatherapy Oil & some epsom salts (Bath Grade) with you - this is baby safe & lovely to have in your first bath, has healing & relaxing qualities, helps you cope with stress & pain & will help clean any wounds - it also relaxes baby too.

Ear plugs are good if they keep you in - wards are very noisy places & you will need your rest.

Don't listen to the birthing horror stories of others, some women are just witches who love to wind you up & your birth experience will be as individual as you & your baby are.

Don't insist on taking a bucket with you & hanging onto it for dear life, in case you vomit on the way to the labour ward - chances are you wont & manically counting whilst hanging onto said large red bucket & kitchen roll & snarling viciously at anyone who dares try to take it from you, even to make getting into the cab easier - is not a good look

Good Luck

Oh & if your waters don't break naturally & your are still fully dilated, yet the staff leave you too it for a couple more days - do not presume that this stupidly long labour is natural & what is best for you - they ended up breaking my waters anyway - so ASK if thats a possibility & if not, WHY not

Turned out in my case, the only reason it wasn't done - was the ward was stupidly busy & understaffed & they therefore COULD leave me until last, meaning both DD & I suffered a lot longer than needed & she was very sick the first few days, because according to them she ingested stuff on her way out - if her way out wasn't so slow, perhaps her stat in life would have been more pleasant

If you've ever had really bad period pains then contractions are just like that. Or at least for me they were, except with contractions you get a break from it! my step mother told me this, and as I knew what that pain was I just thought right I can zone into this. It was the best advice I had, that and it can't be that bad as people wouldnt have more than one. When I was a teenager I had some really bad period pains, fainting, D&V and I used to cope by sort of going to the pain in my head, relax, concentrate only on the pain and eventually fall asleep. Of course you don't want to fall asleep but you do want to relax a bit.

Not all first labours are long, mine wasn't. Both under 5 hours. I am needle phobic too, so did everything I could to make sure I only needed gas and air. I walked everywhere, used the stairs all the time in the run up to the final days, always going up and down stairs, to get baby in position. I never sat on the sofa for final weeks but on a birth ball, rolling from side-to-side hoping to get baby down. Ok I know this doesnt always happen, but if you turn into a couch potato in the final weeks, and god the temptation is easy, then I was told by some midwife or other that your baby is less likely to get into position or higher chance of back-to-back. If that's true I have no idea but that is what I did.

Gravity too, gravity will help get that baby out. I did not want to lie on my back, jesus when they made me do that to break my waters the pain was immense. I found it a lot easy to do the whole thing kneeling on the bed, facing the wall and zoning out the chaos behind me. They don't like it because it's not as easy for them to see things. Most of all I just wanted to be left alone, quiet, not asked loads of questions, not being made to wee, have heart monitors on me/baby, no frigging ant-acid tablets pushed in my face. Even DH was banished for birth number 2. I found I lost control of it if anyone interupted me.

I had 2 babies who weighed 8lb 5oz and 9lb each. Yes it does hurt, yes it is painful, but if everything is going ok you can have that needleless birth you want. I hate needles, I hate them, really hate them. But I also made a deal with myself if I needed an epidural then jesus I was going to have one. Do not set yourself up for failure. The most important thing after all is you and your baby's health.

Oh yes definitely pant and dont push whilst the babies head comes out. Otherwise you tear, I tore with my first, I did not with my 9lb bruiser and I felt fine down there once it was all over. I couldnt quite beleive it actually.

Can someone explain what 'transition' is, please?

Try to have a water birth fantastic pain relief.

When you get something that feels like period pain, that's a contraction. I never knew that the period pain I was getting as a teenager was cramps because it didnt feel like anything was cramping!

Demand pain killers in good time, if you think you might need it but youre not sure, ask for it, because by the time you actually get it, you might really need it.

Not all first labours are long. Not all inductions take 3 days. Induced at 6pm, DS born 5am.

If being in a particular position helps you, then do that. If the MW has a problem with it, then it's HER problem. I had to demand stirrups (dodgy hips) for the actual pushing part, but spent 5 hours before on all fours.

Make sure you and your partner fully understand the birthing process. I thought I did, but apparently not.

Get a copy of your notes before you are discharged. Here we get them as standard and it was nice to be able to go through them and see what had happened.

It's really really hard physical work. As my mother said, they dont call it labour for nothing.

Contractions build like a wave- or an evil orgasm I suppose! Once you hit the peak you know that contraction is going away. YES!

Dont watch OBEM or Call the Midwife.

If you plan on breastfeeing then start putting lanosil on your nipples from 37 weeks, and make sure you have some in your hospital bag.

Expect to get hot. Very hot and sweaty. I was naked.

What happens to other women, inlcuding the vipers here on MN, may not happen to you. I packed loads of lipbalm as advised on here, but never felt the need for it.

Make sure you ask someone to take a picture of the 3 of you together.

The first postpartum poo need not be traumatic.