What would you tell a first time mum about labour?

[LJHH]

I'm not scared of labour as I'm more excited to meet our DS, but I think (with 6 weeks til due date) it's time to start thinking about it and not having my head buried in the sand anymore...

Soooo, as a FTM, what do you wish somebody had told you or you that you had known before you gave birth for the first time?

(I'm thinking the books will give a rosy outlook with lots of smug looking couples and I'd rather be a bit prepared)

I realise a birth plan is just what happens in an ideal situation and can be thrown out the window in an instant. Was hoping to go into the midwife led unit, at the moment I don't want a epidural, not because I'm being brave and can take the pain and all that rubbish but because I'm a bit needle phobic and the thought of it already panics me. Again appreciate I may change my mind on that as well but am I right in thinking that you cannot have one in the MLU and need to go to the "proper" labour wards?
Trust me, I want drugs just not that!

Wow this turned out to be a massive post!

[minifingers]

Would also add:

You don't have to be on your back if you are being continuously monitored.

If you have had an epidural, are on your back, or sitting on your tail bone, and have been pushing for ages and making no/little progress, then the midwife should get you off your back to try to move things along BEFORE an assisted delivery is attempted. If she doesn't even try to move you it's because she's being lazy.

This is what the NICE guidelines say on care in the second stage of labour:

"Discourage the woman from lying supine/semi-supine.

Consider the woman's position, hydration and pain-relief needs.

Provide support and encouragement.

Inform the woman that she should be guided by her own urge to push.

Assistance such as support, change of position, emptying the bladder and encouragement can be used."

What they don't say is: leave her lying like a beached whale on her back. Keep telling her to hold her breath as long as she can, put her chin on her chest, and push down into her bottom, PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! PUSH! Followed invariably by worrying decelerations in the baby's heart rate (no shit Sherlock - prolonged breath-holding = oxygen starved baby), an episiotomy and a hasty forceps delivery.... bitter experience

[Bumpsadaisie]

I didn't find pushing too bad either. I mean it stung but it was quick, no much different to doing a big poo that stings a bit on the way out! (Sorry TMI but this is a labour thread!)

OP you may also find the pushing is more involuntary than how it feels when you push out a poo. For me I wasn't in control of the pushing, it was more akin to what happens when you throw up, only a uterus expelling a whole baby rather than a stomach expelling some food! It was like full body convulsions. I could not have controlled it, just let it happen.

It was nothing like thinking "ah, ok, must push, and ...PUSH"! No thinking involved my body did it all.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Final comment... OP have you ever done something big like a half marathon race or long bike ride or something involving a lot of exertion? Labour is like that. After several hours you have so many hormones and endorphins rushing around, it's not like you push a baby out stone cold, your body is in a hyped up hormonal state and you don't expedited things in quite the same way you would back at the starting line.

[DwellsUndertheSink]

Think of your contractions as a big hill to get over. So a hill takes 20 slow deep breaths - getting to the top is hard work, but once you are there, you've got just 10 more breaths and you are down....

After 5 cm, the contractions do not get any more painful, just closer together. If you can cope at 5cm, you might still be able to cope at 10cm. If you are not coping well, get some pain relief.

WHen you feel those first contractions, take some paracetamol, and go lie in a hot bath, no matter how excited you are. DOnt get so excited that you cannot sleep - then you will be exhausted for the main event. Go take a nap while the contractions are 20 mins apart. They might just stop altogether, and thats also OK.

Pushing is easier than contractions. I've had 3. DOnt be scared.

CHange your position. Lying flat on the bed is not the only way to give birth, 2 of mine were delivered on all fours.

At some point, you might find the instinctive need to roll your pelvis - like a slow twerk. DO it.

This is a primal event - feel free to take off all your clothes, growl, moo, swear, curse, cry, emasculate your DH....Its all good.

If you feel the need to poo....tell your MW. I had a friend who delivered in the loo....

[Darksideofthemoon88]

Mine did, Dwells. Mine were fine until my waters were broken for me at 6-7cm. I think everyone's different.

Re positioning, don't even bother put the position you want to deliver in into your birth plan. I didn't - but noticed the question was there in my notes . I'd hoped to be squatting in the pool or, if I wasn't in the pool, I thought I'd be squatting or kneeling on the bed/floor. I was bloody sure that all fours would be the worse possible position for me. Turns out I wasn't allowed in the pool so was in a normal room, and what did I find myself doing? All fours!

[Tortoiseturtle]

It will probably hurt more than you can currently imagine. Do not rule out any form of pain relief. Read up on them in advance, so you know what the options are, and pre-book anything that needs to be pre-booked (eg birthing pool).
For me and for many women I knew something went wrong. Make sure you are prepared for anything to happen and have discussed this with your birthing partner. If the doctor recommends an emergency C-section, or pulling the baby out with whatever it is they use, or whatever, you/your partner need to be ready to agree to that quickly. And you may be woozy because of pain relief and pain, so make sure your partner is clued up and has decision making power from you.
Don't just trust the midwives - they got things wrong for me and for several women I knew. Be prepared to speak out even if they are poo-pooing you. Eg they wanted me to go home because I had supposedly come into hospital ridiculously early, I insisted on staying and the baby arrived an hour later.
It's not about the birth, it's about the baby - that's a very different thing.

[PenguinsHatchedAnEgg]

I would agree that no one can say 'take the drugs' or 'don't take the drugs'. Everything has pros and cons. Read up in advance, decide your priorities and that is your first choice scenario. Then be willing to totally change those plans depending on the situation on the day. Already having considered the information will make it easier to do this as labour isn't the most conducive environment to taking on board new information!

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Weirdly you might be really cold even in an extremely warm hospital ward. Especially if you have accepted the drugs and are feeling no pain so to speak.

First time labours can be very long. It's worth not assuming that it will all be over in a day and getting some rest at the start while you still can is always going to be a good plan, you'll need plenty of sleep in store for afterwards anyway.

You have not failed in any way if you have an EMCS. It's much more important that you are both safe and well.

It's quite possible to recover faster from an EMCS than natural delivery - so don't assume that if you did end up with an EMCS, that you will be in bed for weeks.

Mention of forceps is incredibly motivating

Be prepared to tell / ask the midwife to tell you what to do and when. Being coached through contractions with a cheerleader was much more productive for me than going solo so to speak

Eyedrops for bloodshot eyes would have been handy. Don't think Ive ever seen them on a hospital packing list but I looked pretty shocking.

Test your DH on the drugs and their implications. It is much more helpful to have someone help you to reach a decision and remind you of your options if you are exhausted.

[minifingers]

"you/your partner need to be ready to agree to that quickly".

Actually, one thing you can ask is 'is there time to discuss this?' - a 'crash' c/s where baby needs to be born in 5 mins does happen, but it's rare. Given that the NICE guidelines on c/s say that one of the things which reduces the likelihood of you having an emergency c/s is having a consultant involved in decision making once your labour becomes complicated, it might be worth asking 'can we have a second opinion from a more senior doctor?' after 'is there time to discuss this?'


"Don't just trust the midwives - they got things wrong for me and for several women I knew. Be prepared to speak out even if they are poo-pooing you."

Women do need to listen to their instincts of course. But that goes for contact with doctors too. Doctors also make mistakes.


"It's not about the birth, it's about the baby - that's a very different thing."

Actually a mother's well-being and feeling of emotional and physical safety in labour is fully bound up with the well-being of her baby.

[Tortoiseturtle]

I remember feeling totally out of it and a doctor arriving and asking me a couple of times for my consent to get the baby out quickly. I don't think I took in what the problem was even. Only afterwards did I realise that they thought that the baby had stopped breathing, so every second of that decision-making moment was precious... I also had a friend who had an inexperienced midwife. She was in labour for hours, assuming everything was normal. Then the midwife ended her shift and a more experienced midwife arrived, and my friend was told she must have an emergency C-section immediately. She almost lost the baby because the inexperienced midwife simply hadn't noticed the problem. These are life and death decisions.
By "it's not about the birth, it's about the baby", I mean that what matters is having your baby safely, not the quality of the experience, how little pain relief you take, etc. It's all just a means to an end. When my midwife saw my carefully prepared birth plan she just laughed and tossed it aside.

[minifingers]

"so every second of that decision-making moment was precious... I also had a friend who had an inexperienced midwife. She was in labour for hours, assuming everything was normal. Then the midwife ended her shift and a more experienced midwife arrived, and my friend was told she must have an emergency C-section immediately. She almost lost the baby because the inexperienced midwife simply hadn't noticed the problem. These are life and death decisions."

Tortoiseshell, if every second is vital in a c/s, NICE wouldn't have set a target of 30 minutes for most 'emergency' c/s (and actually many hospitals are not meeting this target).

[Tortoiseturtle]

In my case I was asked to consent to the use of forceps to get the baby out asap, as the baby was apparently not breathing, not a C section. But in the case of my friend it was an emergency C section.
If the baby is not breathing, surely you are in dangerous territory almost straight away?
My message to the OP was that a surprising number of women do seem to have serious problems in childbirth, endangering the baby. It happened to several women I knew at the time I had my DC1. It's not a real one-off. I also experienced and heard about quite a few instances of midwives making glaring mistakes. Both times I had DCs I was told forcibly by the midwife that I had come into hospital too soon, and both times they were wrong, the second time drastically so. Apparently I wasn't coming across as someone who was in sufficient pain!

[minifingers]

"In my case I was asked to consent to the use of forceps to get the baby out asap, as the baby was apparently not breathing, not a C section."


Babies don't breathe until they're born. Do you mean that your baby had no heart beat?

"I also experienced and heard about quite a few instances of midwives making glaring mistakes. Both times I had DCs I was told forcibly by the midwife that I had come into hospital too soon, and both times they were wrong, the second time drastically so. Apparently I wasn't coming across as someone who was in sufficient pain!"

If a midwife admits a mother who isn't in active labour she may put another mother who arrives at hospital in strong labour at risk. Last year about half of all London hospitals had to close because all the beds on the labour ward were occupied. Some had to close 10 times or more. Midwives have to make decisions on the evidence they're presented with at the time, and some mothers may progress from early to strong labour very quickly. Mothers' bodies aren't clocks or machines - labour is unpredictable and the midwife can only do her best at the time.

As for labour being dangerous - actually most healthy women will have a straightforward birth.

[thestamp]

if you need the epidural, i mean really need it, all fears of needles will likely have deserted you. it doesn't actually hurt much, feels weird. the worst part is trying to stay still through a contraction so they can get it in!!

epidurals also don't always work properly. one of mine didn't. luckily worked well on the fanjo end but didn't do a THING for the actual contractions. i was really devastated by that in the moment because i was desperate for relief; i would have enjoyed the birth more had i not put so much faith in the epi.

i put no stock in birth plans. allow yourself to be cared for, provided they are actually caring and not being obviously shit and unempathic. do what the doctor recommends when you can. they are not there for shits and giggles. jmo.

[thestamp]

also don't bear down hard or hold breath or count to ten while pushing. that's complete bollocks. that's how you tear and have a horrible recovery. try as much as you can to push gently and often, in very short bursts. ignore hcps who advise otherwise, unless you are really in an emergency.

[Boogles91]

That it can feel like youve been in labour for a lifetime lol im.a ftm and gave birth to our beautiful boy last sunday, and i remember looking up at the clock since since fully dilated and moning that only so n so time had passed :p it amused the midwife and my hubby and they put ma bed up in the end so i couldnt see it :p also that for me it was one of the most hardest things in my life. And the shock i was in afterwards, was so exhausted that i had two panick attacks during labour lol it really set my anxiety off bad, but two days later i felt myself again :) did it just on gas and air and only let out a yelp(no screaming) at the end as rlthe head came out, as i tore and bloody well felt it -.- he was a big baby for my small frame lol x

[Lex64]

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know if this has come up before. But I wish I'd known that within I think 48hrs or so after giving birth, I would have an incredible hormone surge which is overwhelming and left me reeling. I think all, or most, women experience it after giving birth.

I don't know if mine was 'worse' because my DD was born at 28 weeks and I had to leave the hospital without her (the only bed was in maternity - not good). Only advice - don't be alone, my DP (is that right? darling partner, I don't post often) was absolutely fantastic as I had no idea what was going on and thought I was having a nervous breakdown. It doesn't last more than a few hours, but I wish I'd known...

[Lex64]

Oh, and everyone who says don't lie down is right - much more comfortable and natural to kneel/stand - anything but lie on your back.

[wigwam33]

Don't expect it to go as planned.

Just take it one contraction at a time and focus on getting through that ONE.

[TheLoveGorilla]

Wish someone had told me about the 'transition' phase, which is when baby is well on its way and you suddenly have a change of heart and don't really want to be having a baby at all. I booed my eyes out and felt like such a wuss. The doctor gave me a pep talk and I felt about 5 years old. Not my finest moment, but apparently it's really normal.

[IamSlave]

Hello not read the thread, but your initial post makes it seem you think there is a choice for you to have an epidural, you cant.

many women are led to belive that like gas and air you can just ask for an epi and get one. no.

its got to be done by an anaesthetic person, who is rare in a hospital and may be on an emergency. also mw can hold you back from having one if the ward is very very busy as they think it sometimes slow labour down.

as a first timer, i would be asking NOW.....what your hospital policy is on them, as for your needle phobia...honestly, trust me, labour pain can be like every bone in your body being broken.....you will honestly not care about your needle phobia....you will be wanting to get it in to stop the pain...

You may not need it, but its always best to be prepared before your in a vulnerable position.

I wish I had had a bed side cot first time round....not a moses. everyone is moses mad and I hope co sleeper cots catch on, they are MUCH easier....much easier, I have no 2, and co sleeper has been amazing, it helps you in every way, to sleep, no straining stomach muslces sitting up transferring the baby, transfers more succesful, happy baby right next to you....honestly....they are fab.

Labour is brutal....there is no shying away from that, its brutal your going into battle....but no matter how nasty it gets, how painful....it will end...and in a few weeks you will be all ok again....with a lovely baby...but its brutal.

[IamSlave]

BTW

your going to be pretty much a by stander as your body takes over and births this baby in the same way it does when you puke or shit.

your a by stander, your body will do it all.....

your body is going through a process...sometimes your lead to believe you decide when to push...

no, your body does....your just ....there...

[IamSlave]

You have not failed in any way if you have an EMCS. It's much more important that you are both safe and well


Think of EMCS rather like a laxative....thats all it is....you have a large object stuck in you, it wont come out....they manually retrieve it, like some of us do when we get really constipated. thats all.

if you do have emcs do not panic....many think elc are better than labour and a far nicer way to bring a baby into the world!!!

and if you do have emcs GET A CO SLEEPER COT.

[MarianForrester]

Book a section; take all the drugs known to mankind

[IamSlave]

Tortiuseturlte

If the baby is not breathing, surely you are in dangerous territory almost straight away?

I heard on radio 4 some time ago, the biggest cost to maternity is pay outs....usually babies starved of oxygen, brain damage...life long medical care and so on....

Personally I wouldn't fuck around, when you have friends who have nearly died, who have lost their babies, yes you realise life is very fragile..and every second is precious. Very precious.