Freaking out about male birth attendants

[bubblegumgirl]

I know I'll probably get pilloried for this by many people, but I am really freaking out about the prospect of having male doctors at my child's birth. I have never had a man go "down there" unless I was in a relationship with him and to have a stranger, no matter how qualified, seeing that part of me and having his hands on me, makes me feel completely sick and violated.

I chose to go to the birth centre because they only have female midwives, but I am now facing the prospect of an induction on Monday and I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason.

I keep hearing about how when I'm in labour I won't care, but I really feel that I would care and that it would actually interfere with my labour.

Has anybody been in that situation, not wanting a male doctor and being forced to have one, and how did you handle it?

"Genuinely, how does all this apply to the Hippocratic oath? If a female patient is in am emergency situation and will die without medical intervention, but has notes detailing no male can touch her without it being assault, what is a male doctor to do?
Risk a court case and a warning on a previously unblemished medical record for trying to save a life, or let someone die and risk being struck off for not attempting to save a life?"

That's what I asked earlier but didn't get an answer.

No, no comma needed but I did change one word as I typed the wrong one. As seen in the next post of mine.

I know women who were raped by their father, their brother, their uncle as children. Who were then raped and abused by other relatives and male "friends" as adults. Who have PTSD as a result of all of this.

For women like this just having a smear or an internal examination is incredibly difficult, and some women I know refuse to have any. For those that do, can you really not understand why they might not want a man to do this?

Have you really never heard of flashbacks? Do you know anything about PTSD?

I think some of you have led such relatively privileged lives that you have no idea what some people have had to deal with.

And I support any woman who only wants female caregivers, whether or not they have had this kind of life. But try and show a bit of compassion here.

It is well established that patients have a right to refuse medical treatment. That is why adult Jehovas Witrnesses die from lack of a blood transfusion.

OP I'm so sorry you are getting a hard time on here.

FWIW I think you probably won't care on the day. But that is irrelevant to how you feel now.

I would speak to your midwife about your concerns and see if they can at least pre-warn the hospital so that if possible you can only see a female doctor.

I didn't actually see a doctor in my first delivery - you only do if it starts to go tits up. Of course if it really becomes an emergency I think a csection in an emergency would be impossible to arrange as female only.

Would it help to read some interviews with male gynae doctors? As a kid I was terrified of being seen by a male doctor until I met a few of my friends' dads who were GPs and realised that no one gives a toss.

Good luck, and don't let some of the incompassionate bitches on here get you down. They lurk to make any AIBU poster feel like shit!

The OP hasn't been back today.

The OP is being induced today. She is probably currently in labour.

Greenwinter - my Mum was abused as a child, so I do know about it, and naturally have a great deal of compassion on the subject. A great deal, believe me.

However, you cannot possibly associate every life situation with such traumas. You'd go mad!

Health care workers are there to provide help and support, not, in general to perve over a couple of fannies. That is completely disingenuous, insulting and disrespectful to males in that industry.

greenwinter. I am going to take a bit of a guess and guess that those that are complaining loudest on here actually work in the medical profession.

she is being induced tomorrow, actually

When ds2 was born he collapsed and an emergency team burst into the room as i was pushing out the afterbirth. It was mostly male. And by fuck was i glad to see them all even if it was through my akimbo legs. Those men saved my son's life. My exposed vagina was completley irrelevant to anyone there.

Oohdaddypig - the OP isn't getting a hard time, I don't think, simply some of the posters "looking out for her"

Evans - If you have PTSD you can have flashbacks. Many women with PTSD have flashbacks in situations that bring back what happened to them in the past. Lying down and having a man put his hand inside internally, is a classic situation to bring that back.

It is not about choosing to associate medical situations with what happened in the past, You do not choose to have flashbacks.

I will be honest, if any of you on here that are showing no compassion are in the medical profession, I would not want you anywhere near me. I do think medical professionals need compassion, including for situations they can't fully understand.

So do you know this about the OP? Or are you guessing that this "might" have happened? Is it true, or imagined by you?

I am not in the medical profession. I have compassion for real-life situations (as explained earlier). None of this has been expressed in the opening post.

I do think some medical professionals forget that just because things are routine for them, it isnt for the patient. For example, giving a bed bath is no big deal for a HCP. It can be a very big deal for a patient, even with a HCP of the same sex.

I have seen this with how some HCP's deal with my mother. Some assume she should not be embarassed at being seen naked because to them it is no big deal. To her, who before a number of recent hospital admissions had been seen naked by no one except her husband, since giving birth to 2 kids 45 years ago, it is a very big deal.

Evans - It is one scenario. I am not saying it applies to the OP. I am saying it does apply to a number of my friends.

Greenwinter - I totally get what you are saying but I also think people who casually use the violated term when they never have been also have no understanding as to what it feels like. As with I'm depressed as I am out of chocolate which clearly just makes you sad, not depressed for real.

Obviously we have no idea if the OP has been violated, and I genuinely hope she hasn't been, but we can only comment on what has been written and there is absolutely no obligation for anyone to post anything they don't want too - even if it then helps explain their point of view more..

OP - I hope you are snuggled up with your new baby now and that everything went exactly as you hoped.

You're absolutely right, and I totally agree. But that has no bearing on this thread. It is a completely different argument.

Modesty is another thing entirely, if it doesn't involve a life-threatening situation or procedure. Having a baby is more of a procedure than having a bath.

Itsfab - I agree the word violated is over used. And I support any woman who only wants to be cared for by female HCP's, whatever the reason.

But there was such a lack of compassion on this thread, so I wanted to try and explain why some women I know only want female HCPs.

Greenwinter - it's absolutely nothing to do with "lack of compassion" as you keep saying. Simply some posters do not agree with others on this particular subject. Where does the "lack of compassion" come into it? If Mum and/or baby died because male health care workers didn't step in to help (because they were forbidden to) there would be compassion in spades. How would that help a dead Mum or child?

with nearly 200 posts on this thread I think its gone beyond the OP, which is why we haven't see them.. its probably overwhelmed them and they'v abandoned it.

Personally speaking having as much choice as I can within my pregnancy has been the key to it being a success and actually helping me to overcome some of my past. Gawd, in the last year letting another person into my life and getting married to them and getting pregnant with them has been a massive healing process, but hey, I still have my limits...

I think it is about being in control, and thats really important.

I would hope male HCPS who work within maternity would have the sensitivity to realise that they are working with women at one of their most vunerable times and to have a sense of sensitivity and compassion.

Very interesting thread. I hope the OP's checks back in to say how her birth experience was. I hope her needs were met as far as possible. It wasn't an issue I had personally with my DC's births, but if I had felt that way, I would hope that people would have been understanding.

greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/compassion/definition

Compassion - "to suffer together"

That is not what is being done by some.

I'm not in the medical profession.

I have had two births where male hcps were involved. One birth resulted in birth injury and lifelong disability. That was the female-only birth, although that's not relevant.

I have my own experience of birth PTSD to deal with (as well as 16 years of military service and experience with PTSD for all sorts of other reasons).

Compassion is one thing, discrimination is another. The patient has the right to refuse care. The patient has the right to request female only staff. The trust has the obligation to provide if possible.

Deciding that any opposing view must be an HCP? Barking. And actually, quite insulting. Compassionate, my arse.

evans you can still feel compassion whilst not understanding why someone feels a certain way. Or whilst disagreeing with a course of action they have taken.

I can feel compassion even in a situation involving death of another, such as mothers with PND who harm their kids. Sure as hell I don't agree with it or even understand, but yes, I feel compassion in spades.

A few posters actually told the OP to get a grip which I found shocking, given their ignorance about her background.