Freaking out about male birth attendants

[bubblegumgirl]

I know I'll probably get pilloried for this by many people, but I am really freaking out about the prospect of having male doctors at my child's birth. I have never had a man go "down there" unless I was in a relationship with him and to have a stranger, no matter how qualified, seeing that part of me and having his hands on me, makes me feel completely sick and violated.

I chose to go to the birth centre because they only have female midwives, but I am now facing the prospect of an induction on Monday and I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason.

I keep hearing about how when I'm in labour I won't care, but I really feel that I would care and that it would actually interfere with my labour.

Has anybody been in that situation, not wanting a male doctor and being forced to have one, and how did you handle it?

I absolutely believe that people should be able to request male/female HCP for intimate / sensitive matters, and that request should be met as far as possible.

There are many situations where there are very valid reasons for people only wanting a certain sex, and I don't think telling them to "get over it" is helpful. I also don't think people should have to justify their reasons for their requests, given that for some it will involve reliving traumatising experiences.

The obvious one for me (as an example) is people being able to request a certain sex when it comes to intimate examinations for evidence after assault. I firmly believe that people should be able to request a male/female whatever makes them more comfortable, and that request should be met without question.

OP I think you need to make your caregivers aware of your strong feelings on this and hopefully they will do what they can.

The reality is the staff on duty are whomever is on rota.they may or may not be male
There is no back up just in case female staff available at immediate motice
In an acute setting Staffing is arranged on need,by grade.not by gender

In community eg gp it is straightforward to accommodate gender preference.happens all time

I would hate to have to deal with any NHS staff who would be ridiculing my wish to be dealt with by women only for intimate procedures, as some on this thread have.

Your Key pivotal phrase sardines is need met as far as possible
Thats exactly how it is
Its wholly legitimate to state a gender preference

yes sure

And in return I guess the patient has the right to refuse treatment as an extreme.

Honestly, I don't see why the OP deserves some of the nastiness going on here. Although I don't mind myself being seen by male staff as long as they are the best person for the job at that time, I can empathise with her preferences. I do agree that if NHs she either needs to come to terms with the possibility some of the docs will be male, or go private. Refusing to be seen by a male doc and minimal examinations is not maximising your chances of a safe delivery. A healthy baby is the number one priority: Just go private or do some therapy.

Put it on your birthplan OP and make sure your DH/DP is well briefed as well. Say that unless it is a real emergency and there is no other option you would prefer to have only female HCPs, even if that means a short wait. Make sure you discuss this with whoever admits you while you're calm and not yet in labour. Obviously there might be an emergency situation but even if there is at some point, for most of the labour it won't be an emergency. I actually don't completely agree with everyone who says you won't care at all at the very end. Partly because in my experience they are only talking about the very end (admittedly when there is most likely to be an emergency of some sort) not the great bulk of labour when I was pretty much myself, though very "in the zone"; partly because actually I found even at the very very end I was still myself and although I didn't personally much care about who was in the room, I did care about/was aware of being covered up even in the late stages and I did also care about donating my cord blood - that was the one thing I kept saying in a pretty non-vocal labour - because my sister had leukaemia when I was a child. I can imagine that if "no male HCPs" was (for whatever reason) something that ran as deep for me as that, then I would still care about it even at the very end.

I had a straightforward labour with no emergency and I'm sure if I had been seriously concerned for DS at any point of course I would have set any other concerns aside. But I don't think the OP is unrealistic to feel that she might still mind about this even at the most intense phase, and I definitely don't think she's silly to feel that anxiety about this might make it hard for her to relax earlier in the labour.

As kalidasa says, you should have the birth you want and make sure that everyone around you knows your wishes.

I used to work at a uni, on the same floor as the midwifery classes. Students were everywhere and I worked closely with their work placement team. For this reason I requested no students when I had dd1 at the only teaching hospital in town. I knew students from my uni would be working on the maternity wards at the time and although I am a great believer in hands on training, the thought of meeting someone at work who had examined me was too much. My wishes were respected.

kalidasa - Your post implies that there is always a female to provide for you if you are willing for a 'short wait' though. Often there literally isn't a female doctor working on the labour ward that shift. It can be a choice between male doctor and refusing treatment. Not between a male doctor and waiting for a bit.

So in that case penguin if someone refused to be treated by a male Dr, they would just be untreated?

I do wonder what the impact is on the care of the few very devout Muslim women I know.

Well, they would have the right to refuse treatment. Which at the extreme could, yes, mean that they are untreated. Though there are options like chaperones which can work for some women.

The thing is, as HCPs on here have said on similar threads in the past, there aren't necessarily enough female registrars and consultants to ensure that there is always at least one female on shift at any time. There are so many other concerns (qualifications, spacing of shifts, etc) that also have to be factored in that realistically it would take a good bit more than 50% of the registrars and consultants to be female to be able to ensure that. And they aren't.

I think Zing has been very unfairly judged on here.

I would agree with everything she has said actually. Most of my gynae-type procedures have been more sympathetically dealt with by men (not the stitching after my first birth) but others. I had a male doctor who told me the speculum being used for my smear tests was the wrong one (after I'd endured the wrong size and shape for YEARS). I had a lovely male doctor who fitted my Mirena coil under some arduous circumstances.
And, I had a female doctor who tried to perform a smear at my 6-week after birth check when I left an imprint on the ceiling of her office. I was in tears with the pain, and she just said "Oh, sorry did that hurt" Another male doctor after the event said "Oh yes, you don't have to tell me about Dr so-and-so - my wife has endured smear tests from her"

Give me a man any time, for something like this. Anyway, when you are in such pain, honestly, you won't give a flying fuck who is helping. As long as your baby is born healthy, then what does it matter? The person delivering is a health professional, they are not the slightest bit interested in your "fanjo", "nether regions" "down under". For goodness' sake, get a grip

I do wonder what the impact is on the care of the few very devout Muslim women I know

Then perhaps they should choose private healthcare, if they are so worried? We are so lucky in this country to have the NHS. And I cannot understand why some people are so very reluctant to accept it and criticise it at every turn.

Evans - You are wrong, some women do care about who is helping even when they are in a lot of pain.

I have heard and personally had negative experiences with both women and men Dr's. The worst was with a man when I was 19. I wish now I had made a formal complaint as it was so awful and stopped me getting examinations internally for many many years.

For some people and for very good reasons it does matter, and denying them the option means that they will not access certain things which it would be much better if they did. For them and sometimes for society as well.

Evans - I am a big supporter of the NHS. I don't agree the solution if you are unhappy with the NHS, is just to go private. The solution is to vote for Governments and MPs who actually care about the NHS, and to lobby to improve things.

That is actually a very old fashioned attitude, that you should be grateful for anything you get.

I had the same problem for that reason do not have children. I also now have a disability through refusing emergency treatment. If I had to make the same decision again I would do so in a heart beat. It is the right decision for me and my GP fully supports me and is ready to jump if I have any issues. These decisions are mine alone to make.

In the end a London Teaching hospital paid for me to be sterilised privately, with an all female team but all female ICU if I had complications due the psychological/physical issues I could suffer if I became pregnant.

We pay an awful lot of money for the NHS. It is NOT free. If they cannot provide the care a patients need on clinical grounds then they should be refunding patients so they can arrange their own care.

I am appalled people are judging Bubblegum it is her body, who touches it is her choice alone and no one else's business but hers.

Also the suggestion that people just "go private" - without insurance how much would ante-natal care and birthing care cost? £1000s, maybe tens of thousands.

It's simply not a realistic alternative for most people.

But we don't pay an awful lot of money for NHS care. We pay a bit - that is the whole point. We, as a nation, are extremely, incredibly fortunate to have the NHS. Therefore, some people should not complain when they think things are not going 100% their way.

So if OP was in an emergency situation - just suppose she was suddenly in labour, it is a life-and-death situation for either mother or child.
Would she really care who is looking after her - or would she refuse treatment from a man, and risk losing the life of either herself or her unborn child?

I can't speak for the OP, Evans, but some people might, yes.

Different people are different, how you behave and react is not the same as for others.

Precisely, Sardines - which is exactly the reason we are so very, very lucky to have the NHS. And why people should not complain about it

Evans

I fully agree with you.

You are happy for people to be unable to access treatment etc as long as they don't complain about it?

An unusual attitude but everyone has their own approach I suppose.

Q: would she refuse treatment from a man, and risk losing the life of either herself or her unborn child?

A: yes I'm sure some people would

Q: Precisely, Sardines - which is exactly the reason we are so very, very lucky to have the NHS. And why people should not complain about it

Seems a bit harsh to me.

Unable to access treatment? - Who said that?