Freaking out about male birth attendants

[bubblegumgirl]

I know I'll probably get pilloried for this by many people, but I am really freaking out about the prospect of having male doctors at my child's birth. I have never had a man go "down there" unless I was in a relationship with him and to have a stranger, no matter how qualified, seeing that part of me and having his hands on me, makes me feel completely sick and violated.

I chose to go to the birth centre because they only have female midwives, but I am now facing the prospect of an induction on Monday and I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason.

I keep hearing about how when I'm in labour I won't care, but I really feel that I would care and that it would actually interfere with my labour.

Has anybody been in that situation, not wanting a male doctor and being forced to have one, and how did you handle it?

Hope you are okay Bubblegum?

OP: I would suggest talking to your midwife about your preferences and seeing what they can do. She should respect your wishes and not mock or belittle you, and be able to discuss your concerns, what the the liklihood of having all female staff on hand is, and what they can do if there are male staff around.

I don't think you're being ridiculous to want all female staff, you know what you're comfortable with and I think in labour all of us need to be reassured and as comfortable as we can be.

Good luck with your labour, I hope you get the experience you want

Am I the only one that couldnt give a shit if the person is a man or not? Have had down there examined by male doctors since I was a teenager and have never given less of a crap, theres always been at least one woman there anyway.

Sorry but it seems a bit odd to me this would even cross someones mind given all the other worries of giving birth...surely what matters is that the person is qualified and can do their job well assuring yours and the babys safety?

I was raped and sexually assaulted as a young girl aswell and still cannot understand this prudishness when it comes to male doctors. Not every man is a friggin perve just dying to get his hands on your bits.

'I know women who were raped by their father, their brother, their uncle as children. Who were then raped and abused by other relatives and male "friends" as adults. Who have PTSD as a result of all of this.

For women like this just having a smear or an internal examination is incredibly difficult, and some women I know refuse to have any. For those that do, can you really not understand why they might not want a man to do this?

Have you really never heard of flashbacks? Do you know anything about PTSD?

I think some of you have led such relatively privileged lives that you have no idea what some people have had to deal with.'

I have had all that in my life, I have PTSD because of it. I still cannot understand such a mindset. For me having ANYONE, male or female (and there was no female abusers with me, all male) go near my vagina may be a bit 'triggering' IF I'm having one of those days/weeks, but so what I wouldn't be doing myself any favours refusing to have something done because of it. I know that the problem is my irrational feelings due to the abuse, and nothing to do with the person performing the procedure. There comes a point when you need to try and get to the bottom of and overcome issues like this that cause irrational, damaging feelings. It would do me no good whatsoever to accept such fears as normality and instead of trying to overcome them, insist on silly rules in real life like no male doctor can ever treat me.

I do understand how they feel, but it really does no one any favours perpetuating it instead of trying to overcome feeling such a way. I have no idea how the OP would manage to 'deal with it' should it happen but I imagine she'll be in so much pain etc she may find herself not giving two shits.

'There is still a man in the room who wants to out his hand in your vagina! '

Get a grip for fuck sake. A male doctor does not 'want to put his hand in your vagina', hes there to do his fucking job which is protect your health. Women with opinions like this are disrespectful and sexist. What makes you think your so irresistible even a doctor whos seen thousands of fannies is really only there because he wants to touch your vagina? Get over yourself!

Oh go away Honey you have no idea what you talking about. The distress is immense and DO NOT be little the OP that is appalling bullying.

'I would hope male HCPS who work within maternity would have the sensitivity to realise that they are working with women at one of their most vunerable times and to have a sense of sensitivity and compassion'

I would hope ALL HCPs would have the sensitivity...when a friend was giving birth aged 16 she was treated with utter disdain and nastiness by the FEMALE HCPs, she developed PND and it scarred her because they were so nasty and condescending at such an emotional time, especially given how young she was she should have been treated even more sensitively. That was about ignorant female midwives being judgemental towards a young girl due to her situation and not providing her with any compassion or sensitivity whatsoever...I'm 100% sure many male HCPs have done a much better job.

Grow up befair, telling someone to 'go away' what are you a 6 year old in a playground?

And it wasnt even the OP who wrote that post, god knows who it was but either way it was a sexist and utterly appalling post and it was about time someone said it.

I have no idea what I am talking about? Why is that? What reasons can you state why I have 'no idea' about this issue? Are you going to accuse me of being a man now?

22honey, given what you have gone through yourself you reaction to the op and other posters is odd.
How would you have felt at such a lack of compassion and empathy after you experiences?

One person's ability to cope with distressing personal circumstances is not the same as another's.

That is regardless of whether its rape or a serious car accident.

Even if there is an element of sexism here, then actually you STILL should be sensitive and tactful in what you put given that it is clearly causing distress after many years to some.

In order for them to overcome their issues, they need support rather than the, quite frankly, abuse that they have just been given. Otherwise they will never be able to talk about it and will continue to suffer in silence.

The problem with this kind of situation, is that in rare cases, this fear may lead them to completely avoiding medical assistance at a time they really need it, which put them and their child both at risk. They are vulnerable and should be treated as such and given the benefit of the doubt whereever possible to encourage them to seek support.

Thats not actually being sexist, thats understanding the nature of the problem and its source; giving space and compassion to try and help with fears which, by their very nature, are sometimes incredibly irrational. Thats what a phobia is - an irrational and extreme mental health reaction - which should be treated as a medical condition as much as any physical condition.

So yeah there is only one person on this thread who really needs to 'get over themselves' and that the one with the ego going on about how amazingly great they are for overcoming their own personal demons.

We are not all the same.

fgr my reaction here is about one person's irrational fear of being examined by a male doctor (they havn't stated any personal reasons why this is) and another poster stating being examined by a male doctor is 'a man in the room that wants to stick his hand in your vagina' - neither is me 'reacting' to someone being raped or abused. So you cannot compare the two with regards to showing 'compassion and empathy'.

If you'd read all my posts, you'd see I understand how and why someone might feel that way, but that acting like such feelings are rational and normal and instead of seeking to work past them looking for ways to indulge them, isnt beneficial to anyone.

Redtooth no one is denying some people cope better than others, I seriously would be insulted at anyone comparing either rape or a serious care crash to being examined by a male doctor. They are nothing alike no matter how much someone may be perplexed at the idea of being examined by a member of the opposite sex.

'So yeah there is only one person on this thread who really needs to 'get over themselves' and that the one with the ego going on about how amazingly great they are for overcoming their own personal demons.'

How insulting of you, nowhere have I gone into detail about if/when I have overcame any of my issues so its very rude to assume something you know nothing about. Or are you trying to say because I don't have an irrational fear of being examined by a male doctor that I have clearly' 'got over' any issues I might have had?

The fact is I dont believe its healthy from my own experience in life to attempt to indulge irrational feelings no matter what trauma they may stem from. Working through these issues improves ones quality of life.

The person that needs to get over themselves is the one who insults the entire male health care profession by proclaiming a male HCP is purely a 'man in the room who wants to put his hand in your vagina', basically tarring all men as filthy pervs that cannot control themselves. The poster stated it as though a male HCP is someone to be viewed as predatory and suspicious, which is truly awful no matter whats happened to them. Being abused etc doesn't give someone the right to post insulting, sexist remarks and not have them called upon.

22honey I don't think you are adding anything to this thread. Thankfully, the OP doesn't seem to be on anymore.

But surely if a male HCP comes into your room, with the express desire to check your dilation he is "the man in the room who wants to puthis hand in your vagina"?

"Redtooth no one is denying some people cope better than others, I seriously would be insulted at anyone comparing either rape or a serious care crash to being examined by a male doctor. They are nothing alike no matter how much someone may be perplexed at the idea of being examined by a member of the opposite sex."

In your brain they are nothing alike. As you said you supposdely have PTSD, so you should know about triggers. They are usually irrational, unexpected and unexplainable. Triggers and PTSD IS EXACTLY your brain comparing one with the other. not you, conciouslly, but your brain. I shouldn't need to insult you with the details but seeing as you appeared uninformed on this issue...
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/#.U2apuVd2Eo4

I suggest some people on her do so googling there are numerous Newspaper stories about male doctors abusing/raping their patients Geoffrey Led something or other being one he was a gynaecologist.

Why does have a medical degree suddenly stop men raping or abusing women. It happens and having a medical degree will not stop it happening.

It happens so stop belittling OP! You are adding nothing to this thread.

I'm currently only hours post-section and out of 9 people in theatre, only two were female. I was totally freaked out and vomitted several times but after a few mins it was obvious they were total professionals and utterly lovely!

I suggest some people on her do so googling there are numerous Newspaper stories about male doctors abusing/raping their patients Geoffrey Led something or other being one he was a gynaecologist.

This is really triggering and unhelpful IMO. Really triggering and using google to rationalise a phobia.

Someone who has a phobia after trauma should be respected out of compassion i.e. not exposed needlessly I say that as someone with various phobias after trauma. But not told things that trigger them to validate their phobia- that is not support, it adds to the trauma.

It's like showing someone with eating problems loads of diet websites.

It's awful adding scare stories to 'rationalise' the fear.
-This could trigger or start something up in someone who is on the borderline;
-This could make someone with generalise anxiety focus in on it;
-This exaggerates the danger and the focus on male HCP in a frankly 'Daily Mail' way and is why we find it hard to recruit males in caring professionals.

Some female nurses over the years have hurt or killed children. Should we therefore ban them from maternity too?

I totally agree that posting scare stories like this is really unhelpful.

I have no idea who Geoffrey Led is or how long ago the case was but I'd like to emphasise that in current NHS practice there really is no opportunity for such things to happen. It would be extremely unlikely.

Male Drs or male midwives would be chaperoned for all intimate examinations. IME the male staff have always requested a chaperone if a midwife isn't already in the room. Even if they didn't request one (which I've never known not to happen) they'd get one anyway if the midwife/nurse knew the Dr was going to do an examination.

PS. just to re-iterate. I think the OP should be treated with compassion and within reason (i.e. not if she was rushed in unconscious life-or-death and only a man was there) should request female HCP.
But as an anxiety sufferer myself with phobias, there is a world between compassionate support and 'helping' by telling me I am rational and something bad may well happen. One might even seem tempting for me to hear but is enormously triggering (and does suggest that my mental health need deserves to be ignored i.e. "only show compassion for LOGICAL fears, if they are a genuine part of a mental illness, ignore them" leads to the need to make the fears logical).

I am scared of certain things. Even if it's just chemistry in my brain, kindness would be appreciated - not making the fear 'real' or worse so it is 'logical' and those lucky enough not to have phobias/PTSD/anxiety 'can understand' before they are kind.