Freaking out about male birth attendants

[bubblegumgirl]

I know I'll probably get pilloried for this by many people, but I am really freaking out about the prospect of having male doctors at my child's birth. I have never had a man go "down there" unless I was in a relationship with him and to have a stranger, no matter how qualified, seeing that part of me and having his hands on me, makes me feel completely sick and violated.

I chose to go to the birth centre because they only have female midwives, but I am now facing the prospect of an induction on Monday and I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason.

I keep hearing about how when I'm in labour I won't care, but I really feel that I would care and that it would actually interfere with my labour.

Has anybody been in that situation, not wanting a male doctor and being forced to have one, and how did you handle it?

Zing - you aren't being honest, you are being rude. Telling the OP to grow up when you know nothing about her reasons for being frightened and scared of having a male HCP care for her.

I don't understand why some women are so nasty when someone is posting for support.

well you can continue to bubble wrap her

Or just support her?

green

have you heard of tough love?
I'm not being nasty or rude (apart from bubble wrap comment) - I'm just not willing to join in the "oh you pour darling" choir.

sometimes people need to be told to toughen up.
that's all.
don't like it? ignore it.

*poor

I get very cross when people forget how lucky we are here in the UK to have the NHS just there for us, and then think they can just dictate they will or won't have this, that or the other.

I agree, and this is a problem that is increasing, it is putting enormous pressure on staff as we do try our best to accommodate requests for female only HPCs but it often means said female staff member giving up lunch break/leaving late, while male staff member checks email, has a cup of tea because the patients "don't want him".

*HCPs

Hi bubblegum

I felt similar to you when I was pregnant, although I wasent quite as worried about it as you.

I laboured very quickly and when it came to the pushing stage, I had about 6 midwifes and doctors with me as it became apparent we were in an emergency situation.

I couldn't tell you anything about those 6 people, they could have been green aliens for all I cared!!

I think for most of your labour ( and hopefully all of it if its straightforward) you probably won't meet a male hcp but if it does become an emergency or near emergency situation, honestly you really really won't care who attends to you, as long as they get the job done.

It turns out there was a male doctor present at my birth and when dd came out with the cord wrapped round her neck 3 times and wasn't breathing, he was the one to save her. I'm bloody glad he was there!!!

You have no idea why the OP wants women only attending her. She said she would rather give birth alone than be attended by a man. So this isn't some whim.

Actually, Zing, as the person on the receiving end of your comments, I can confirm that you are being nasty and rude. I'm not asking for you to "poor darling" me - just that if you're not here to be supportive and helpful, then don't get involved in posting on this thread. If you don't understand my feelings, or disagree with them, that's absolutely fine, but being insulting is pretty low, scummy behaviour.

Green & MrsCakes - I really appreciate your support but it's clear that Zing is trolling and I really don't want to give her any more fuel for her nastiness so I'm going to try to get some sleep - hope you both have a good night and thanks again.

Night bubblegum, and talk to the hospital. As said upthread, your request won't be an unusual one xx

Just to add OP, I'm not saying your anxiety isn't an issue. People can have fears about anything and giving birth is a very vulnerable time. But please, if you feel this is going to be a very serious issue for you then please tell someone involved with your care at the soonest opportunity. Hope it goes well for you.

Zing is a regular poster, not a troll.

You can certainly request only women but as others have said due to availability or in an emergency situation you might not get this so you need to be aware.

I don't think anyone is 100 per cent at ease baring their genitals to strangers of either gender. I have a lot of gynae procedures performed by both genders. The best I had was a women but I have had some female nurses treat my bits quite roughly and male hcps be more respectful. On a labour ward yours will probably be the 20th set of genitalia they have seen that day and your treatment is all they care about. So if you do end up with a man present keep in mind that they will not be in the least bit interested in your vagina other than as the baby's means of entering the world.

(not from UK). I requested female doctors/nurses only during my delivery and recovery. Over here, nurses, midwives, and obgyns are mostly women anyway. The only male in my room during labor was the anesthesiologist for the epidural, and once it was in he left.

It was just me, the midwife, a nurse, and my husband while I was pushing. Once it got close to delivery everyone flooded in with baby and receiving equipment. I couldn't even tell if they were male or female by the time the baby came out (they were all wearing nets and masks), and I didn't care enough to check.

Would you feel better if there was a female nurse in there with you? Do you have a birth partner that can be there with you so you aren't alone?

oh I see, so now you want to be in control of who posts on your thread and what they are allowed to say.

hmmm, interesting

and thanks for making me laugh with your accusation of me obviously being a troll.

But all of that aside, I do wish you all the best with the rest of your pg and a safe birth.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't be helpful this time.

Something up that may help is also thinking that if by any chance you do have a male hcp (and the majority are women, so with any luck there will be nothing for you to worry about!), you WILL have a relationship with him in the sense of a professional and respectful understanding that this is all about the health of you and your baby. Nothing will be done without your consent.

A couple of questions for you just to think about where your gender fear is coming from...

Would you be okay with a gay make hcp? How about a non-heterosexual female hcp? Or a male practitioner who was born female (or vice versa)?

If the most qualified practitioner on the day was male, would you honestly choose to increase a risk to your baby in order to keep a stranger - who is a professional - from seeing your bits?

If it is a gender thing then I really do think you need to get past this. You may have a baby boy someday soon, and it will be no good for either of you if you see him as some kind of different species. And on a practical level, these types of special request do cause stretches and shortages for the whole maternity department. If on the other hand there something in your past that is causing this and it will genuinely traumatise you, then chat with the midwife supervisor ASAP.

*male not make

I'm kind of on the fence for this one. You can request to only be treated by female HCPs and I'd def recommend you have a chat with the supervisor of midwives and get your preference on record if you can. Hopefully your birth will go smoothly and your allocated (female) midwives can assist you according to your birth plan.

However you may get into an emergency situation where the best option for your baby and you would be to be attended by a male HCP, there may not be the time to find a female (e.g consultant). I had to have an emergency forceps delivery and then was rushed to theatre due to blood loss and tearing. I was attended by a male consultant and female junior doctor who he was obviously training up. I am eternally grateful that he was there for both my baby's sake and for his expertise in the repair job! I'm not sure if a female doctor would have been available at 1am or how long it would have taken to find one.

I'm sure everything will run smoothly for you and you can be entirely female attended but you need to think through your options if you do get into an emergency (for example would you accept a c section carried out by a man?). Best of luck

Hi bubblegum. First timer here too. I can understand your anxiety. I have never had anyone see my undercarriage apart from DH and we married less than a year ago and I was a virgin at the time I've never had a smear and have previously refused internals against medical advice.

I wouldn't say I'm personally specifically concerned about male HCPs but I can see why one might be.

However one thing I've found really helpful with the oncoming birth situation is something we were advised in my NCT antenatal class: you can have a "Birth Plan" of how you'd like things to go and that's what the official NHS form is called however childbirth is an unknown. Multiple unknowns as your body and mine has never done this before so it can be more helpful to think of it as your "birth preferences". I've been focussing on this a lot. I'd prefer to have my baby with minimal pain relief in a birthing pool. However on the day myriad reasons why these things won't happen even so far as a pool (in my case) or an all female team (in yours) not being available. The baby isn't going to wait for the right room to become available (or shifts to change).

Given the amount of anxiety this is bringing you (you mention sleep loss), I wonder if you might need some professional help to overcome this issue. Have you thought about employing a local doula, a woman to have as an additional birth partner who is there to be your companion and help ensure you get your wishes. Would you feel more comfortable knowing she'd be there throughout and holding your hand during any times when it might have to be a male HCP?

My other thought is perhaps one or two sessions of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to discuss your anxiety with a qualified counsellor and learn coping techniques to overcome the anxiety in itself. I don't think you mention though I'm on phone so can't check back sorry how soon the birth is, so I'm not sure if this is a viable option.

Like the above suggestions of a private birth which would be very expensive these things come at a cost. I think Doula services start around 350 pound and go up to 600, but include pre and post natal visits as well as a guarantee of her being there whenever you are ready to give birth. CBT sessions privately are probably 35-40 pound a time, but given the amount of money all stuff for new baby costs, it might be worth putting 100 pound or so away for this issue to be dealt with rather than leaving you in an anxious state that isn't going to help you or baby.

I genuinely hope that helps, I'm not trying to be smug or knowledgable as I know nothing about childbirth- just that it's coming (soon for me I'm 38 weeks) and that it will happen the way it happens!!

You can certainly request female only doctors. Can I ask why you are being induced? If it it purely for being post dates then that would be classed as a midwife led induction, you might not even see a doctor :)

There are a lot of female obstetricians around, in my trust the majority are women. If you make your preferences known when you go in to have labour induced I'm sure they will do everything they can to accommodate you.

With my first I was really worried about this. I have history of abuse, rape and sexual assault though, my community midwife was lovely about it when I spoke about my history and fears.

When push came to shove and I was hemmorageing And they pressed the panic button I honestly wouldn't have cared if a 2 headed purple babbon had walke into the room. If they had the skills to help me I wanted them there!

You worry about it now and it's hard to listen to all the people say 'it'll be fine, you won't care' but honestly you won't! Your head is in a different place, you go into ourself and everything becomes instinct. You don't notice who is in the room and who isn't. You can request all female hcp's of you want, but if that panic button is pressed, and your life or your baby's life is on the line you really won't care who runs in.

I'm on my 3rd btw, and other than discussing basics so people know to tread carefully I'm honestly not worried about male hcp's this time, I just wan my baby out safely

Hi, me again. Apologies you clearly state induction this Monday so my CBT and doula suggestions possibly not doable. However doula might be, and might offer you a reduced price knowing the certainty of your timescale! If you're interested get googling. Lots of Doula's will answer their phones at weekends! All the best, thinking of you!

Some good advice on this thread.

I'm only posting to say, at the moment it's understandable that being at the later stages of pregnancy you are consumed with the minutiae of the birth.

Once it actually happens believe me your only thoughts will be getting the baby out safely, and ensuring that he/she is healthy and alert. Sometimes this may mean you are examined by a male, but often it won't.

Best wishes OP.