Freaking out about male birth attendants

[bubblegumgirl]

I know I'll probably get pilloried for this by many people, but I am really freaking out about the prospect of having male doctors at my child's birth. I have never had a man go "down there" unless I was in a relationship with him and to have a stranger, no matter how qualified, seeing that part of me and having his hands on me, makes me feel completely sick and violated.

I chose to go to the birth centre because they only have female midwives, but I am now facing the prospect of an induction on Monday and I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason.

I keep hearing about how when I'm in labour I won't care, but I really feel that I would care and that it would actually interfere with my labour.

Has anybody been in that situation, not wanting a male doctor and being forced to have one, and how did you handle it?

I agree with zing! And people should back off....her first post was telling her about her experience as sometimes it does help to ease peoples minds hearing other stories....there is nothing wrong with a bloke doctor or whatever. And the mention about the film, thats just a joke. Ive had every test you can think of on my body and had no choice male or female doctors/nurses/surgeons and o didnt kick up a fuss! Say if it was life saving surgery.....would you stamd there amd throw a paddy? No, you would have that much adrenaline i. Your body to not give a flying fuck who saw your bits aslong as your life was saved by it! And i. Sure this was only the point zing was trying to get across but in a nice way...if you just relax a bit chuck its not all that bad. I understand every womans different, and some are scared of the ,ost silliest things etc. but if you feel you really dont want a male doc, then tell the hospital. As this is going to add to your anxietys....

Oh this is tricky, especially as you're booked in for tomorrow!

Hopefully everything will go smoothly and you won't need to set eyes on a doctor during activation labour, but unless you're in a huge unit there will probably be one consultant, one reg, one sho and one anaesthetist on duty, ODPs (theatre staff) are often male too, so in an emergency situation it just may not be possible to accommodate your wishes. I do understand but staffing levels and other work mean that when there's an emergency (or threatened emergency) the most appropriate available staff answer and there's not much, if any, room for choosing who that is.

Please let your allocated MW know how you feel about this issue and hopefully she can reassure you by perhaps introducing the relevant people while you are still fully dressed and feeling in control.

Who's your birth partner? Will they help you feel more secure?

Hope it all goes well for you

Active labour, not activation (silly phone!)

I don't get it. I've tried really hard but I can't see how it makes any difference.
Would posters be so supportive of the op if she was asking for call s afrvto he white or Christian or straight

Agree you're stressing out about something unnecessarily when there are plenty more important things to worry about! Bear in mind if you request a female doctor they may not necessarily by the most appropriate choice- i.e you will be better served by the most experienced doctor in any circumstance, but if you place an unnecessary restriction, you may end up with a more junior doctor simply because they happened to be the only female doctor around. Fwiw ime male midwives tend to be very gentle and sympathetic!

The anaesthetist I would have married (as above) wasn't the only bloke in the room when I gave birth. Induction followed by ventouse. The registrar was also a man and a damn sight kinder than the female consultants I also saw during that birth.

I hope that the birth goes well for you but if a male doctor, nurse or midwife is involved then honestly it will be ok. Good luck.

I remember when I had to get referred to a specific clinic to have my Mirena Coil out (there were complications) and I remember saying to my husband that I hoped it would be a female doctor - just because I would have felt more comfortable getting my bits out. It turned out to be a male doctor and there I was, legs in stirrups, spread akimbo with him poking about down there. However, when it came to it I didn't really care as he was a professional in his field and had no doubt seen hundreds of vaginas - he certainly wasn't fussed so I just let him get on with it.

When I had my CS the Anaethetist was male and at one point, due to issues with my hospital gown, he saw me completely naked, but I just didn't have it in me to care.

The best of luck with your labour OP - I hope it goes well and is stress free for you

I'm the same as the op, totally freaked out by the idea of males assisting but its in my notes that its to be females only unless an emergency arises during surgery. My usual midwife was very supportive and understood why id find it difficult. Talk to them op, theyll have had loads of people before you with the same concerns.

Some years we don't have a single female Dr get placed at our hospital for Obs.

Even the years when we do have plenty of female registrars if you labour during the night and its a male Dr on shift there won't be another in the hospital.

Yes you can refuse to have them come near you but you could be putting your life or your baby's life at risk.

Make clear a male practitioner will make you uncomfortable in your notes. If you are uncomfortable or stressed t won't help labour so I'm sure the midwives will be as helpful as possible.

I felt similarly with my first pregnancy. As it happened all the midwives were female. They were sending for a male doctor at one point as forceps were being considered and while I was veguely aware it might be a bit weird I'd been pushing for more than two hours and if that was the only way of getting DS out I no longer cared.

This time around I don't care, I'd never have believed I'd feel like that before DS.

But for an induction its 99.9% likely that the midwife will put the prostin and and its very likely they'll be female.

I had two male midwifes when i had my first and they were brilliant, far more patient than the female midwifes. All through my pregnancy i said no men and no students and i ended up with both and wouldn't have changed it!
To be honest when you are in labour you are quite oblivious to who is in the room at times but it is your choice and if you do not want any male staff make sure it is on your birth plan.

I think the day before an induction everyone is anxious, it is a nerve wracking time.

I understand what you mean about being uncomfortable with a man, I was an that feeling did not go away during labour. That said I declined any examinations to check progress and was generally quite hippy about the whole thing.

dc1 was born in a birth centre, no men no mention of it.

Dc2 was an unplanned homebirth delivered by paramedics. One was male, obviously sensed my discomfort and dealt with it excellently. he felt with the baby and the female dealt with me. (I think they take a patient each anyway so they can concentrate on that one). It wasn't ideal, but if was fine.

dc3 was a planned home birth. Luckily the (female) midwife made it this time (but just in time so only one and no has and air!)

So it doesn't always go to plan!

Ive noy read the full thread but I had similar thoughts.

I was induced and while I was waiting a dr walked pass the waiting room. He was this short plump dr who was foreign and I said to dh I hope he doesn't come near me. Turns out that very same dr saved my life after delivery.I will never be prejudice like that again and if I see him again I will wholeheartedly thank him. He just kept apologising about the situation he was meeting us in. If your in a life death situation you wont say no to a dr who can save your life.

I had a trainee male dr break my waters, he was so rough and that feeling of pain and vulnerability has never left me, so this time I am requesting that either a registrar do it or the mw (if required).
He went home and a registrar (male) delivered my DD via ventouse....he was so lovely, very professional and ended up sewing me up afterwards surrounded by 4or 5 of his students.

OP I do get why you feel like this. ...giving birth for the first time is very daunting and if you're a private person it's hard to get your head round the world and its brother looking at your fanjo BUT it will be ok, most of the people with you will be women anyway and you will have your OH there for support.
I personally found the bed bath I was given afterwards by a female health care assistant the most embarrassing thing, but I couldn't shower for a while due to epidural.

Also agree with pp about marrying my anaesthesiologist, he was just so lovely and encouraging and came to see me afterwards to congratulate me.

Apologies.for.what was a.nasty post last night, was up with a poorly small one and using mn as a tool to keep me awake.. .

I think it would be helpful if you explained why you feel this way. What are your experiences with men generally? Are you uncomfortable with male GPs?

ilovemonsters how does the dr's height, ethnic origin or bmi reflect their level experience? I'm glad you're no longer prejudiced but shocked you would have held such views in the first place! The nhs is held together by 'foreigners'.

I understand the OP's desire to only be attended by women as far as possible. It doesn't matter if male Dr's or midwifes have done this a million times before. It is about how you feel.

Appletini - The OP might feel differently, but even on an anonymous board like this I wouldn't explain why I feel this way. Especially given many of the responses on here. It does not feel a supportive environment at all.

I think generally women who feel this way would accept a man dealing with her if it is life saving. But if there is really a choice, then why not accommodate it.

It is totally fair enough to have strong feelings and preferences.

Hospitals will try to accommodate them if they can. But I think you need to think carefully about what you will do tomorrow. There isn't necessarily a female doctor they can offer you on every ward. If the doctors on rota are all male, you would have to make the decision between accepting that care and going without. Which in a situation like foetal distress could have very far reaching consequences.

It's unfortunate that you didn't talk this through with your MW earlier in the pregnancy (which is what they would always recommend), but at least an induction does give you some time to plan. For example, will it help you if the male doctor introduces himself by name and chats to you beforehand in case he needs to be more involved? That might be possible when you arrive at the hospital? Would it be helpful if your conerns were specifically noted in your notes so that, as far as possible, intimate examinations are carried out by the MW when they could be done by either (thinking of things like preparatory checks before an instrumental delivery).

"I really really do not want a male doctor, not for any reason."

Seriously, if it was down to getting the baby out safely or waiting for a female doctor, I'm pretty sure you would choose the former.

Chances are that you will only have female attendants anyway, but I think you should ask when you go in tomorrow.

What everyone has said about you not caring during the latter stages is true. We have all been there, and there is nothing like the voice of experience to reassure you.

I hope you get the birth you want. Good luck

As long as you promise yourself that you won't put your issues before the welfare of your child you should request female staff but all they can do is try.

I was induced and it was a protracted labour, there was a very junior member of female staff but the other doctors on for the night shift were male. I needed a fetal scalp electrode placed and this wasn't in the latter stages either so we'll aware of what was happening. Later I need forceps in a full theatre.

I am completely relaxed with male medical staff but I think you have to mentally prepare yourself for the scenario were they say it is best for yourself or the baby if we do xyz and the only person available is a man. You have to mentally train yourself to say yes. Will it not make a difference that your DP will be there holding your hand?

OP, I would try not to worry.

If all is going well then you will have midwives with you, who will almost certainly be female, and they can probably organise it to make sure you have female midwives.

If you see a doctor it will be because something is going wrong or there's a problem. At that point it won't be that you won't care about gender, it will be that you won't care about anything more than your baby being ok.

I didn't see any male medical staff during DS's birth until I was in a theatre and they were dragging him out with forceps! The doctor doing the procedure was female but the anaethetist and paediatrician were male. All you will be focussed on then is your baby being born alive and healthy.

Well, you feel the way you feel but with the NHS I think you have to accept that, although you can request only female staff, you will get what you're given; it's an overstretched resource but IMO a wonderful one that we shouldn't take for granted.

I think the advice from those who are saying you could try meeting the male staff in advance is very good. It might put you more at ease and reassure you that they are thoroughly professional and focused on your and your baby's well-being.

OP - I completely understand what you are saying and really feel for you. I am assuming this is your first baby and from experience I know fear of the unknown can sometimes be worse than the actual experience.

I too hate having male drs for intimate examinations and actually refused a male dr when having a colpsocopy. I was absolutely dreading the investigation as it was and his manner didn't reassure me either - cue floods of tears from me. . The staff couldn't have been nicer and my appointment was re-scheduled. I also annoyed my GP when having to be referred again recently to Gynae by asking that my referral letter asked for female drs wherever possible. I can't help the way I feel and neither can you

Obviously it's not as simple as this for you with regards the induction. Please, please talk to the midwives tomorrow - they will understand your fears and will accomodate you where they can. My DM is a midwife and she understands women's feelings about this, tho even she is of the irritating brigade that says that in an emergency you won't care. This is probably very true but no help to you now!!

I hope it all goes well tomorrow, the chances are you will only see female HCPs anyhow but if the worse does happen, try to remember that it is one day out of your life, it will be over soon and you will be cuddling your gorgeous newborn and you are very unlikely to see that dr again!!