What's the best advice you could give a new mum?

[VickyLouise]

Hello everyone,
My best friend is having her first baby in a couple of months time and I want to make her a really nice book full of mum's tips for surviving your first child.
Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom that I could include?

For 'ecologically sound' nappies which you can feel less guilty about go to www.spiritofnature.com. They are cheaper than supermarket nappies, they get delivered to your door, and they are biodegradable, recycled blah blah blah. We only used them for the first 8 months, but I felt at least I'd done my bit!
Long walks and fresh air make the world a better place. Just going out and getting a coffee is enough to keep you sane.
Go to exhibitions, get your hair cut and do things for yourself - once baby is more mobile you can forget it!
Like minded friends with babies of similar ages are essential - NCT do local coffee mornings where you can meet local mums. Also good for relieving horrific birth or otherwise stories in full detail to sympathic audience.

Remember to tell your friend that her baby will have a personality all of its own. It wont be yours or your DH/DP's.

When she has her baby show up with a large chocolate cake. My best friend did this for me when I had my last baby and it was wonderful. I fed the guests for a week, and I always felt better knowing that it was around.

She will probably get gifts of clothes from loads of people, I pretty much automatically exchanged them for the same thing in a bigger size, unless of course I was completely in love with it.

Sometimes you can get overwhelmed if there are too many people around, retreat to a quiet room with baby and say that " I think that baby is sensitive to the loud noise". Worked for me!!

Babies love to hear your voice - remember that! Your bad rendition of Twinkle Twinkle/ Angels/ Highway to Hell is exactly what your baby wants to hear.

Hope that this helps.

totally agree draven - singing and dancing along to radio almost always gurantees a smile from DD

The best advice i was ever given was 'sleep when he sleeps' which i never understood until after the first five days at home.

Another thing is get out of the house as much as possible. Took my son out for a three-hour walk every day the weather was warm enough (mind you in Vienna in April / May the weather is ALWAYS warm enough. Fresh air alsways helps and baby will sleep in his pram so you can enjoy a coffee in peace in the sunshine and even get a few chapters of your book read....

Definately enjoy them while they are so small ans smell sooooooooooooo good

oh just remembered something else :
your baby will most likely NOT develop at the same rate as everyone elses. My son was constantly compared to my (twin) brother's son who is 4 months older - almost drove me up the wall at the time but i can now look back and laugh. Trust your instincts and smile sweetly.

The scent of the breath of a breastfed little baby is the sweetest smell known to humankind. It is. It really is. Truly.

Babies need a nap every 2 hours!

Mine does and it seems like a lot of my friends do too. If I had known this in the early days it would have made things a lot easier.

An over tired baby is very tiring!!

izzybiz Thank you for your words of wisdom. I printed them out and put them on my fridge as another mumsnetter suggested. I have a DD who is almost 4 and DD2 who is 10 weeks. I sometimes feel I don't have enough time for DD1 and your words seemed very apt. DD2 is almost certainly my last baby and I really want to make sure I enjoy every minute. DD1 had 2 extra stories tonight and I'm off to give DD2 a big cuddle. There is a huge pile of laundry, but as you suggested I'm "stepping over it"

Establish the bedtime routine you want straight away but don't worry about structuring the rest of the day - you and your baby will just get stressed! Everything will fall into place eventually

Babies don't necessarily know about being rocked to sleep unless they're told! Put the baby down when heavy lidded but still awake and hopefully he/she will learn to drift off themselves

Terry nappies are brilliant to have in the house even if you're actually using disposables - they are good as changing mat liners & many other uses...cheaper and more absorbent than muslins

Don't let everyone handle your baby in the first few days - it really is unsettling. In fact, don't be afraid to say no to visitors full stop - yes, they are excited and want to see the little one but this is YOUR time with the baby & you can't get it back. If it's all too much & you're bf, even if you feel comfortable bf in front of everyone, pretend you're not and take yourself & baby off for some quiet time!

Midwives and health visitors are lovely (well some of them) and want to help but they are in no way breastfeeding experts so if you don't feel it's going well get support from a bf counsellor.

Don't be in a hurry to get home from hospital - you might be desperate to leave but if you want to bf it's worth staying in until you feel confident doing it

Make sure your pram fits in the boot of your car

Ignore all above advice if you don't feel comfortable with it (though I really would recommend the pram one)

xxxx

If you b/f you will get squirted in the eye with milk, particularly when you have a warm shower.

If you have a boy you will get squirted in the eye with wee.

Your baby will be sick down your front so you end up with 2 bra cups full.

It's fantastic, enjoy every minute whilst you can, they grow up so fast.

oh oh OH, that thing about the two hours SAVED MY LIFE!
luckily my baby knew about it before i did, and settled herself into a two hourly pattern, but lord help me if i kept her up longer...

Hi,
best advice that I can remember is,

Swaddle - some hv's say its not recommended as baby can get hot but it was the hospital that taught me how to swaddle and it worked brilliantly!

get a grow bag for when baby grows out of swaddling.

Tell her not to put too much pressure on herself if breastfeeding doesnt work - yes we all know its the best for baby and her but if she's got all the help she can and its still not working then dont flog herself over making a choice to switch to topping up with formula or giving up b'feeding.

Sleep when baby sleeps
Forget the housework

oh just remembered if when baby is in the bath they cry try putting a face cloth on their tummy - i dont know why it works but it does!

I wish your friend all the best

xx

the whole post-partum nesting thing actually makes you more paranoid about housework. I felt like clocking people who said forget about it!

The first year is a nightmare. You'll want to divorce your DH about once a month - it's a normal part of parenting. All that bollocks about 'enjoying' your screaming baby, 'he'll grow up so fast' - shite. Every hour felt like a lifetime in that first year.

It's normal not to want anyone else to touch your baby in those first months.

All babies have screaming fits - swaddle the buggers and shoogle and play them white noise.

Being a mum for the first time can be the most lonely, miserable and vulnerable time in your life. Keep your DH and close friends really, really close and don't be frightened to cry.

Despite divorce warnings , verbally acknowledge your differences in parenting with your DH. Oh boy do males like to do the baby thing differently - but they're no less a parent.

Blokes either don't smell, or refuse to smell, shitty nappies.

Do not underestimate what sleep deprivation can do to you and your perception of the world around you. However, babies aren't designed to sleep through for many, many months. Just becasue your friend's does, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

It's normal not to want sex for months after the birth. Don't be pressurised into it by your DH or books.

It's only 5 years until the wee bugger is off to school. THEN you can start to say, 'they grow up so fast.....'

Try to slot in a little bit of time to regularly do something for yourself

I was given so many presents of newborn by clothes all from Tesco, that there was no way she was going to have chance to wear them all, so I took a selection of them in and swaped them for larger sizes (and a few of the more yuk ones were conveniently swapped for something completely different)

Make sure you go out and leave baby with Dad (partner / whoever) for a two hour session each week. It does wonders for you to get a breather, and showing your partner how much you trust them makes them feel good about themselves too. The result being a confident partner who learns to enjoy looking after baby and feel involved.

Oh, finally, don't forget men are really really scared of babies. They like to hear how sometimes you get things wrong and th not everyone is perfect at childcare initially, its a learned thing that can only come with practise.
....

Trust your dh/dp. It's good for both of them to go on adventures together without you wittering - even if it's only to the Post Office & back.

At least try washable nappies - they'll save you a fortune even if you aren't fussed about environmental issues. Give a trial selection from nappylady or plushpants a go - if they're not for you, fine.

Ditto breastfeeding - give it a go, but don't give yourself grief if it just isn't happening. Equally don't ASSUME it'll be a nightmare just because all the books suggest as much! Some of us get lucky & get to simply imtroduce babe to boob & away you go.

Have a mental list of non-essential, will take under one hour, jobs to do around the house. You just might get a user-friendly baby who feeds happily & then conks out for an hour or so - in which case ML is a brilliant time to sort out the attic or re-decorate or whatever (probably not to write an epic novel).

But again - be prepared to get ABSOLUTELY NONE of it done!

Enjoy every minute because it goes by very, very fast.

Do your best to ignore the 'know it alls'.

Relax, every baby is different and just because something works for one person doesn't mean you have to do it, just take it in your stride.

The overwhelming feeling of responsibilty and over protectivness eases a little after a while, it never goes away but you learn how to handle it. This is what I found the hardest to deal with. I worried so much that something terrible was going to happen to dd that for the first few weeks I thought I was losing it.

If you're feeling anyway funny or you're worried about pnd make sure you talk to someone.

Oh and let your dp do things like nappies, feeds etc his way. Don't be over his shoulder telling him he's doing it wrong or that it's not how you do it.

Haven't read whole thread so probably some repetition here:

1. Leave tags on clothes until you are sure they will be worn. Change for bigger sizes/appropriate seasons if necessary.
2. If you have a big baby don't even bother with newborn outfits they will only last a couple of weeks and will spend most of their time in sleepsuits anyway in those couple of weeks.
3. If you have a small baby be careful that he/she will grow into the outfits before the seasons change.
4. Different brands of sleepsuits have different proportions - (e.g some are good for short & chubby babies, others are better for long thin babies). Try a few and find a 'style' you are happy with.
5. Don't dress a girl in blue to yur first M&B group (even if it has flowers on it). You will spend all morning saying "no it's a girl".
6. Do as much reading about BF before the birth. Make sure DP knows what to expect. MAKE SURE you know what a growth spurt is before it hits you.
7. Don't buy formula/bottles beforehand if you plan to BF (most people have a 24hr store accessible anyway). If you are worried make sure DP knows which brand of steriliser/bottles/milk to get if he is sent out at 3am! (or buy it but leave it at someone elses house)
8. If you don't BF - you don't have to defend ypu decision. Ditto if you have to change to bottles. Don't feel guilty. Whatever the reason & however long you BF for changing is always the right decision or you would't have felt you had to. Get on with motherhood and enjoy feeding with bottles.

HTH

Don't feel you have to breastfeed

Don't feel that once you have a baby you will live in a cluttered tip of a house surrounded by toys and clothes - a myth!

Babies can sleep through the night from an early age, it's not all constant night wakings

Sleep during the day when baby is asleep

Don't buy lots of things for baby before baby is born, have more fun shopping for things when baby is at the right age and size to make sure the clothes fit!

Stock up on baby wipes, I wish I knew how useful they were before my pre-baby days!

Do not worry - on a bad day, leave the house or do something you used to do before having baby, like watch your fave dvd or get your hair done. It will make you feel like you.

Oh and a diary is much betrter for capturing those first than commercial baby books. Make an effort to write in it once a week - even if it is only a sentence.

Also make sure DP takes loads of photos in delivery room. You can throw away (or delete) the ones YOU don't like at a later date but you will NEVER be able to take any more. (I only have 1 picture & its from a bad angle ). Someone also recommended a black & white setting to mask any 'gore' but I nbever found this necessary (on my 1 pghotograph!!!).

You can NOT spoil a baby with love
Try to put your feet up as often as you can
Bath whilst baby is asleep in moses basket next to you so you can soak and still admire your wonderful new addition.
Take time out when you need it and do not feel ashamed that you might not want 24 hour contact with your newborn - you are still a person in your own right.
Work as a team with your DP/DH you are in this together all 3 of you.
Have visitors hours - even when at home you need time together just the three of you so limit visiting especially as DP/DH probably has limited time off work with you - unless it is those who will make their own drink and cook you your tea/ put washing on or run round with hoover so you can rest with DP/DH and baby.

Feeding
Breastfeed - it is FREE, sterile, always ready at the correct temperature and you always have it with you. It is good for both of you - even just a little really helps your baby. (It also may delay the return of periods!)
Lansinoh for your nipples you don't have to wash it off prior to feeding and it really soothes (and for babies cradle cap).
Lansinoh breast pads are super absorbent. Don't skimp and use the cheap ones at night as this is when you need the extra help as you can't keep adjusting/changing when sleeping.
Get a drinking bottle (sports type) to fill up with and put next to wherever you are likely to be breastfeeding baby during night as you get really thirsty and they don't spill the same when fumbling around in the dark.
Get your MW/BF support worker to show you how to do it in all the different positions - learn how to do it lying down so you can get some rest.
Wear a wristband to help you remember which breast last/next.

Sleeping
Get blackout blinds - cheap way is to buy blackout lining, cut to size, use sticky velcro and fasten to window
Swaddle - get a sheet/blanket and wrap that baby up - they like to feel nice and secure and this is great.
Get sleeping bag when baby has outgrown swaddling.

Memories
Take loads of pictures (even video the birth - sounds weird I know but I really wish I had now as it is fading in my memory so fast).
You can never have too many photos
Annabel now has a photo taken every month on her birth date, it is amazing even in the early days to see how she has grown.

Advice
Find one person whose advice you trust and stick with them, if you take to much advice on board some of it conflicts and you end up in a mess.
Trust your instincts, you know your baby best - don't forget it is years since your parents/in-laws had kids times change things move on.

Clothing
Dress baby in babygro with poppers they hate all buttons and bows and zips in those first few weeks and look so cute in these/ they will soon be in proper clothes and you will wish they looked liked your baby again.
Don't buy too much (I know you think it is sooooo cute and you really need one) you will be amazed at who buys and how much stuff you get bought.

Washing/changing
Cotton wool balls and water are the cheapest and easiest way to keep your baby clean.
Olive oil (can buy from chemist - a little goes a long way use for cradle cap and baby massage)
You don't need any lotions or potions - plain water is fine even at cleaning off the most disgusting looking stuff.
You don't need nappy cream

Out and about
Carry a bottle of water with you to drink and use for wetting cotton wool, take plenty of nappies/cotton wool and nappy bags.

Personal
Use baby wipes for yourself - even the softest toilet paper can feel scratchy after what you just put yourself through
As my MW put it your frilly bits might have got frillier from all that stretching they just went through. Imagine an over stretched elastic band! Sorry TMI. Do not worry if you do not look/feel exactly as before down there.
Use plenty of maternity pads/buy loads you will use them.
When you are walking around looking for that annoying dripping noise and tightening every tap remember if you are not wearing a bra it could be you!

Best Buys
Lansinoh breast cream (about £9 a tube but a little goes a long way)
Muslins
Babygros - Tescos own are great
Magazines/books for when feeding
Good fitting feeding bra. Try Royce in Debenhams. (not mothercares they are pants!)
Breast pads
Cotton wool balls - yes the pleats/rolls are cheaper but unless you sit and make them into balls you just grab big handfuls when you need them and so use twice as much.
Baby wipes for yourself and for cleaning up little accidents (you will not want to use them on baby when you see how well they clean around the house)
Digital camera
You get lots of promotional bits and pieces in your bounty packs use all the vouchers and freebies you can
Go to NCT sales/ second hand shops/accept hand me downs your baby will not care - if I could take back some of what I spent and give my baby my time by having a longer time off work I would.

PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES!

Above all enjoy it WILL go soo FAST.
Rachel

If you're finding the whole thing overwhelming, then no matter how devoted you are to your LO, arrange a babysitter (or ask DP) and go out without baby before the first month has passed, even if only for an hour and even if you spend whole hour on the phone to babysitter with milk flowing down your front. You WILL feel better for doing it and it helps blow away the baby blues.

dont move house a month after giving birth, its very tricky packing one handed

Hello mums,
Thank you all so much for all the advice you've given. It's all really great stuff and will be so valuable to my friend. It was actually quite emotional reading through it all.

Keep doing a fantastic job with your babies!

sorry to be crude, VL, but i wanted to add that a solid gold top tip is to have your first post-birth pee in the shower or the bidet, with the water running. it's not as cuddly as some of the other beautiful tips, but potentially just as valuable.