8 year old anxiety - don't know where to turn

[alwaysscared]

My 8 year old DS is extremely anxious at the moment. He has been out of school since May and has been having a tutor twice a week. He is on the waiting list for CAHMS and also in the pathway for assessment of ADD and ASD.
His anxiety has massively increased these past few days. He had a panic attack on the park a couple of days ago and has been having them regularly every day, and not sleeping until 1am at night due to anxiety.
What do I do? Where do I turn? I have ring the CAHMS emergency line and they are getting back to me today but have already told me that he will be on the waiting list for a long time.
I suffer with bad mental health myself (so of course I am blaming myself) but am completely out of my depth with this.
He won't leave the house, and even the thought of it sets off a panic attack.
What can I do??

@drspouse ok thanks

@alwaysscared

You sound like a diligent mum..you are doing a wonderful job raising your DS...no-one else would be able to do it better. I know it is stressful trying to figure out how to help him and easy to feel like you are failing as his mother.
But you're not...you are looking for solutions to help him and just haven't hit on the right one yet..it will happen though..there is so much research about the brain right now...different techniques work for different people...the science field has started recognising that we are all different individuals and what works for some doesn't work for all..DS has so much to offer the World...he will, with help from you and some understanding professionals be able to achieve and make his way in the world.

I have 3 DC who have very different neuro-diverse brains...it has been a long road as they are now in their 30's...each has found a small niche where their talents are needed and they are succeeding at life. The most important thing to me though is that are kind people and can share their "abilities " with others like them and are very understanding of the diversity of others...
Right now though YOU need help to give your worries a rest ..
Mumsnet has the most wonderful thread to help people who are struggling with putting those worries to rest..even for just a bit.
I'm sorry I don't know how to attach links so I've screenshot the OPs thread...I've never posted a worry on it but I find reading these posts of the OP and other kind posters very calming..I hope it helps at least to give you a few moments of respite from your worries. We are all pulling for you @alwaysscared

@Sweetpea1532 thank you so much. I'm currently listening to DS laughing his head off while gaming on minecraft with his best friend online. It's such a nice sound to hear. The problem is is that I know what the night will bring.
Today he has been so up and down with his anxiety and has asked me to just make it stop, it breaks my heart that I can't.
Thank you for your kind words

@alwaysscared I am so happy you were able to hear DSs laughter ..it is an amazing sound in and of itself to hear laughter, but in your case it is a small miracle!
Do you think telling him when he says "make it stop!" You can say,
" we are working on it, Buddy...things are going to get better . We will continue working on it until you've gotten to a place where you can feel comfortable."...maybe this will help him to see past the moment of anxiety and the hopelessness he is feeling..just one little spark of hope that it IS going to get better and that you WILL be there for him at every step...it may give him a bit of hope to hold on to. There was a folk song in the 70's called " It Only Takes a Spark to get a fire going"...maybe you can listen to it ..the words and tune are very calming.

You've got this, Always ! Baby steps, small bites and pick yourself up and dust yourself off when you fall...
Try to live in the moment instead of letting the future of what may happen tonight ruin your joy of the moment...surround yourself in positive thoughts of "Wow! Last night when I was struggling, I couldn't imagine DS laughing today ..he's moving forward!"
You've been able to get this little human through 8 years of life! The hardest job in the world!
YOU ARE AMAZING, MUMMY! Here's some cake..you deserve it❤
Please do look at that "hold my worries" thread when you are stressed

@alwaysscared...
I'm sorry if I offended you with the sharing of the Spark Song...I wanted to clarify that I was by no means trying to push religion on you or suggest it for your DS😦
I was sharing the idea of how a little step forward can lead to a marathon..one spark leads to a fire...I hope I'm getting across what I'm actually mean...I have expressive language difficulties so it's hard to get my thoughts out of my head

@Sweetpea1532 you didn't offend me! I see the meaning behind it, don't worry.
I just really appreciate everything everyone is posting, it's so nice to be supported and listened to

@alwaysscared
That's a relief!

See, That's why you're such a great mum...you are willing to try everything to help your DS, but are able to discern what would be healthy for him instead of following blindly or brushing suggestions off. That's over half the battle..being able to get to the point of saying "I need help..I don't know what to do"
And we are all pulling for you! You've got a whole MN network of us out here in the World thinking of you and your DS...you are not alone...but I think you know that already by your posts.

@Sweetpea1532 thank you, it means a lot
@DinosaurOfFire we have been doing what you suggested about the no pressure, no demands, just go with what he needs but he seems to be taking a step even further back. He won't come downstairs, just wants to be in his room all day. When do I start to change things up? I'm so worried about him

@alwaysscared We have general house rules of no food upstairs, all snacks and food at the dining table and all tech is in a public space- living room or home office- which means that even when mine are off by themselves they emerge for food/ tech.

It could be that he just needs to hibernate for a bit, but I would make sure that he comes out for food etc. Maybe if you have room, ask him if you can make the living room more comfortable for him if its just the two of you in the daytime- it could be that its too bright/ dark/ loud / quiet or even that he just really needs some time on his own, or set his tech up there in a nice corner. Its not going to be an instant fix, if he is feeling this way because he is overloaded it could take a long time- weeks, months- before you see a change in his mood etc. It could be helpful to try and engage with him on his interests- sit with him and watch a minecraft video/ watch him play if he will let you, ask him questions about the activity. There's recently been a new minecraft update with axolotls and apparently the all- blue ones are rare, so you could ask him if he has found any in his game.

Hopefully the new school you mentioned will help him in September, especially if they are able to meet his needs in a better way to the last one.

@DinosaurOfFire thanks, I'll try some of those things
I managed to get him in the garden for 20 mins and then to walk across the road to the park gate (the park was where he had his big panic attack) so I guess that's progress
I have to admit, I'm really struggling with all this just now

That is definitely progress, well done him and well done you. It's hard when they struggle isn't it, I found it can get very intense and lonely. Do you have a good support network around you who can give you a break every now and then by watching your son for you for an hour or two here and there during the holidays?

My husband is great but our son just wants me. DH is quite an excitable and loud person by nature and this irritates DS, and me 😂
My mum would come but DS doesn't want anyone else but me at the moment

I've come away for the night to give me and DS some separation time, but I feel really guilty about it 😫

How are you doing xxx

@cultkid we are doing ok. Managed to get him to go to his best friend's house yesterday for a few hrs and we are doing the same today. His sleeping is still terrible and he still saying he is anxious all the time but at least we got him out!

@alwaysscared How are things going? Hope you enjoyed your night away!

Managed to get DS to the park the other day for an 1.5hrs. Quite an achievement as our local park is one of his triggers.
We are supposed to be going to see family next week, but he can't even manage a small trip in the car to the swimming baths, so I don't think he will manage a 4hr drive! Just don't know if to try and push it. He will love seeing his cousins but I also know there will be a lot of pressure on him to do lots of stuff, I just don't know if it's worth it when he is in such an anxious state.
Waiting to speak to head of new school about DS start date (definitely won't be September at this rate, he hasn't been in school since May) and also about applying for EHCP because I really don't know where to start.

My DD was struggling with anxiety at this age too, not as much as your DS but with hindsight it had been going on longer than we had realised. Despite being a very articulate child she found it really hard to talk to us because she fundamentally didn't understand what was happening to her. Once she understood more about what anxiety was and how it was affecting her she started to feel less frightened. She has, still has, anxiety and a form of OCD.
Unfortunately there's no off switch, but you can learn to live with it.
My DD is quite sensitive to being overwhelmed by life but she's in her teens now and in the main, we can see if it's flaring up and live life in a way that keeps her well. She's a mostly very happy kid, living with her condition. Possibly not NT as well. Not diagnosed but her last therapist raised it as a possibility.
I do hope you see some glimmers of getting your DS through this OP, it's really hard as a parent to see your children struggle.

Far from the answer I know, but I got ds a book recently off Amazon called ‘The big bag of worries’ he has autism so helps him to visualise things when it’s in a book with pictures.

What about magnesium? You can get it in liquid form if he doesn’t like tablets, or Epsom salts for his bath.

I do understand these aren’t the things that will cure your ds but thought I’d mention them anyway.

Sorry you’re having a shit time

Thank you guys, I'll look into magnesium
We are trying to help him understand what's happening to his body when he gets anxious but he is struggling to understand, and often doesn't want to talk about it
I really don't know what to do about the trip away, do I push it or just say we can't do it this time?!

Hi @alwaysscared
I found this YouTube video about a father who helps his son through his anxiety...
It is agony to watch at first but then you see how much the father is helping his son work through his anxious thoughts.
The end is beautiful when the son thanks his dad and tells him he loves him.
I dont know how to do links, so I've screenshot the actual YouTube and the background from the father.

@Sweetpea1532 thanks, do you know the YouTube name as the screen shots aren't loading for me for some reason!

@alwaysscared
I'm sorry!
Yes..it is 'FATHER USES UNCONDITIONAL Method to help son with autism.
The site is by Chad Youngqyist...I'm not sure if Chad is the father, but I believe the father has other posts about helping his son...this video gives me chill bumps as you can see the giant leap of faith the son is taking at the encouragement of his father.❤
Hope this helps!

Its a family trip, so I would say to him it's not optional to go, but take it slowly when you are there- we have come to the realisation as a family that one activity a day is enough, and maybe 2 days in a row, then we need a day off for peace. We also factor in alone time, and that the kids may not be in a place where they can do huge social things outside of the activities- so if we went out to Costa in the afternoon and a long meander around town, then we wouldn't also be going out for an evening meal. It's about balance in this sort of situation, and the child realising they are not in charge of what happens on the trip but that their needs are being balanced with everyone elses needs- eg mum and dad need time to see Aunty so and so but there will be time for them to have some downtime too- and that when they get home, things will be familiar again and there will be time to decompress from the busyness and stress. We also take things easy in the run up to trips away as the anticipation can cause stress as much as it can create excitement. Can your son be involved in choosing an activity? Even if it's 'show cousins favourite youtube video'.

Well done to your son for getting to the park, and well done you for helping him through that! Good luck with the ECHP too, we haven't had to face that just yet but can see it looming in the near future.

I'm still stuck and don't know what to do. We pushed him on Saturday to go to local park, we pushed him Sunday to go to a park further away, we had friends over on Monday, which he was anxious about but had a fun time but his sleep got worse and worse as those days went on. By Monday night he wasn't sleeping until 2am. We had a day at home Tuesday and he managed to go to sleep at 12. Then we pushed yesterday for trip to park, which ended in massive panic attack. Do we keep pushing? New school are aware and we are not expecting to start in September but how long can this go on for. Just for info, the panic attack yesterday was due to seeing horse poo. We can't shield him from seeing gross stuff but they really affect him

We didn't make it on the family trip, he just couldn't manage it, and seeing how he has been these last few days, I'm glad we didn't