Women choosing not to drive anymore...

[LakesDad]

Is this the new normal? I seem to know quite a few women who have passed their driving tests and got cars but simply decide not to drive or if they do then certainly never on a Motorway.
Two are sisters of mine, and one of my sons has a new girlfriend who passed her test first time, owns a car but refuses to drive and relies on family members to ferry her to work etc (she works as a dentist).
All these women I know are competent, have professional jobs etc and quite confident personalities but when it comes to driving feel it is too 'stressful' and one says they don't want to hurt anyone...(none of them have crashed or hurt anyone by the way).
On the whole most blokes I know including me, love driving and are always happy to do so (thankfully my wife loves driving and is very independent) but never driving, especially when you live in a rural location has lots of unwanted knock on effects especially when local public transport is crap.
Is this a new trend in women or is my experience more of a one off?...

I am very aware that, should I let the anxiety overcome me (as a close friend has), my world will become very small indeed. My only family live 350 miles away, and driving is the only way to get to them, so I try to keep pushing myself through my comfort zones. I live in fear of having even a small accident, because I think then I would give up driving completely and living in the middle of nowhere it would restrict all and any social activity.

So I make myself do it. I can do motorways, complicated interchanges etc, if I give myself time (and I always try to have a passenger which oddly helps). Still hate multi storey car parks though.

Your BIL is a mug for doing it then

Calling older women 'pathetic' for stopping driving or beginning to limit driving shows a fundamental lack of understanding about some of the changes which take place in perimenopause/menopause:

• (New levels of) Fear, Anxiety and Lack of Confidence
• Reduced concentration and memory lapses
• Reduced spatial awareness
• Hot flushes (and resulting panicky feeling/loss of focus)
• Joint and muscle aches and pains

I was an experienced, confident driver who was hit with all of the above within the space of a few months in my late 40s and it massively affected my confidence and ability to drive. I felt I had no choice but to limit my driving (for a while) as I felt unsafe. Thankfully HRT and working on my anxiety got me back driving, but it's just not the same - I no longer enjoy it, rather just endure it, and it makes me physically exhausted.

Of course not all women are affected, but many are, so if you're a younger female shouting 'pathetic!' be aware of what may be lurking ahead of you.
(And if you're a man... just shut up! 😂)

https://www.avogel.co.uk/health/menopause/videos/5-symptoms-that-can-affect-your-driving-in-perimenopause-and-menopause/

I am a really, really anxious driver. There are several reasons for this.

I'm female as that was mentioned in your post. I drive because I have to. I'm a single parent so had to drive the children around and I have to drive to work. I would never expect someone to ferry me around.
Motorway driving isn't the issue it's things like driving round busy town centres that I find really difficult.
I try to make life easier for myself by planning my life so I avoid rush hour driving. I work shifts anyway so on days I finish at 5pm, which is only 5 days a month I just stay an extra hour and catch up with admin/ get on top of work I need to get on top of.
If a friend wanted to meet up for coffee I would never, ever suggest 9am I would suggest 10am or something like that.
Certain people make me more nervous/ stressed if they are in my car for example if they criticise my driving.
Strangely I have managed to teach my 17 year old to drive with no issues. I think because I struggle so much I was patient and a good teacher.
I don't know if it's more likely to be women that struggle but I absolutely really struggle. I push ahead anyway but not everyone has the same ability. If I was rubbish at maths or something like that no one would make a big thing of it but I get that driving is a life skill. I am trying my best but some peoples best is never going to be amazing.
I have no idea why you think it is more women than men. I don't know anyone other than me that finds it this hard. I'm not menopausal yet so it's not that for me.

I know more men (several) with licences who won't drive than women (none).

Whilst I do drive regularly and am an advanced driver I'd opt for an alternative where possible. Walking/cycling is better for me and the environment. Public transport means I can do something else at the same time and have a more enjoyable and relaxing experience.

I don't like that there are so many enormous cars on the roads, with high and very bright headlights. That isn't safe. And I think that driving standards are getting worse. Drivers don't seem to know how to behave when driving in lanes, using roundabouts, even cornering correctly. That makes driving stressful rather than enjoyable.

Perimenopause and menopause can absoutley lead to increased anxiety in women.
But younger women can also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder. Anxiety is twice as common in women than men.
Women are of course physically able to drive as well as men but are affected more by anxiety so this may result in more women giving up driving.
Also anxiety is a spectrum so one person may have a little anxiety driving and be able to struggle through it whereas another person may have severe anxiety with constant panic attacks whilst driving.
I think its awful to call someone pathetic for being a nervous driver or for not driving at all.

I was a late learner. I hate driving. Sometimes wish that I hadn't bothered.
I find it mostly anxiety inducing.
I had never relied on anyone in my life, including DH.
In fact, before I had a car people would feel sorry for me and offer lifts. I really hated this and they would try and force it. People who love their cars don't get it. And don't get people actually like walking!!!
Me driving or not has zero impact on anyone.

Maybe the title of this thread should have been PEOPLE choosing not to drive anymore. Not just women. Men can be anxious drivers too, no?

The OP’s point was that he thought it was a gendered thing. So no, that wouldn’t have been a good title.

I wonder if the LED lights affect women more than men. Not sure if there's increased astigmatism in women, or menopause causes a problem with night vision. The lack of street lights, and awful energy saving street lights scare me.
I can imagine I'll stop driving at night in a decade or so. I'm 50 and try and avoid it now.

Good point! I know that the bright LED lights can trigger migraines for me - something which only started in perimenopause.

I'm sure I read something about declining estrogen affecting the elasticity of the cornea too which can lead to slight vision distortion.

I love driving and happy to drive on motorways or whatever.

I know three people who hate driving through anxiety and don't drive on the motorway or long journeys or at all if they can. They happen to be women. I find it strange myself and think they will not be able to rid themselves of the anxiety unless they just drive. But if they can't face it fair enough. Driving isn't unusually anxiety inducing for me but I can be anxious about my own things.

Why is it better? We can’t all be good at everything.

Next week, I’m travelling to another town to meet up with friends. It would take around two hours to drive, but I’m going by train.

To quote an old advert, “Let the train take the strain”

I don’t understand why not being comfortable driving is so frowned upon.

I have a driving license but haven't driven for years as I live in a city with excellent transport links. My parents live in a rural area a few hours away. The drive is a nightmare and we always take the train if we can. My DH has always loved driving but finds it stressful now. The roads are just too busy for it to be enjoyable these days. We have a car which we use once a week to take the kids to a club/DH for a good bike ride ocation.I will make sure my kids get a licence but if they live in our city I can't see they will need to drive on a day-to-day basis. I think there needs to be a move away from owning and driving a car wherever possible. If we move to a rural area I will be getting lessons and my own car though I can't see that I would want to drive on the motorway on my own though. To me, having lived in a city for so long, it doesn't appeal. We

We are talking about comfort not competence. I do not assume that the people who are uncomfortable driving are the people who are not any good at it. I suspect the overlap is not that high.

It is generally better not to be anxious about doing something that gives you more options. You can be perfectly comfortable driving and still let the train take the strain when that’s a good option. Nothing about being comfortable driving stops you from using other forms of transport when you can. But being uncomfortable driving limits your options or puts an additional cost (the discomfort) on the driving option.

Some parts of the country the driving option is far less useful (e.g. London). Other places lack of a driving option is far more costly and the burden is frequently shared with or transferred to others.

I need to drive:
To get to work
Go shopping
Get DD to and from university
To visit family
To get to the recycling centre
To take DD to work when the train is cancelled
To meet up with my hobby groups
To go to meetings and events that the charity I volunteer with arranges

And most of all retain my independence

If I have to give up driving I will have to move to town as public transport where I live is infrequent and unreliable, and taxis are difficult to get hold of.

No I don't know anyone male or female with a licence that doesn't use it.

I do know a few women who aren't very confident and will go only drive locally to places they know and avoid motorways.

In my house I do most of the driving when we go out as a family.

I had that feeling too! I didn't tell anyone though. Did the psychiatrist say it was common then?

I disliked driving as soon as I started at age 17. I have a disastrously poor sense of direction and memory for directions, so driving anywhere I'm not very familiar with has always stressed me out. I also dislike driving on motorways, especially at night (I have quite bad night vision). I'm in my early 50s. I live pretty rurally though, so there's no way I'd not drive. With satnav or on familiar routes I'm fine.

I’m not liking this trend ..is it part of the whole soft life thing? I do think it’s a slap on the face in the name of autonomy and freedom. Which is an unusually feminist thing for me to say! Health issues aside, I would like for my daughter to be able to drive and be comfortable doing so when she’s older.

You see my problem is I very rarely need to drive. In fact I cannot drive to work even if I wanted to as it is in the centre of town and only residents can drive there. I would have to drive to the nearest car park and it would take me longer than walking. I have a good supermarket within 5 minutes walk and an excellent bus service which is subsidised so only costs me £3 a month to hop on off any bus. Because of this, I have got out of the habit. I would like to be able to drive again but that would mean literally taking time out of a busy schedule to drive to somewhere I dont want to be!

I knew a young woman who passed her test, bought her first car, drove it home and parked in the drive, and her MIL rocked up and said 'Great! You'll be able to drive me around now!'

The car didn't leave the drive until it was sold for parts a year later... 🙄

(Now that I DO take issue with - she should have found her voice).

Having a car puts an additional cost on you. The cost and time involved in buying, maintaining, fueling, taxing, insuring the car etc.
There is also the environmental cost.
We all know that walking where we can is better for our health and for the environment. Taking public transport is better for the environment.

I think it's great that people enjoy driving and feel it brings them independence. Especially those who live rurally. Good for them.

However ridiculing people and calling anxious drivers 'pathetic' as has been done on this thread is not right. Whether it's for health reasons, environmental concerns, anxiety, panic attacks there are plenty of non drivers. There may be some non drivers who take advantage but most are very independent and manage quite happily without driving.

In an ideal world everyone would drive, nobody would have health or anxiety preventing them from driving, there would be no accidents, no traffic jams, no environmental damage from cars. But we do not live in an ideal world and a bit of understanding, empathy and kindness goes a long way. Unfortunately it's been seriously lacking from a lot of posters on this thread.

Just in relation to scary thoughts of driving into things etc. These are intrusive thoughts and everyone has them. It doesn’t matter how big or small they are, they’re just thoughts. That’s why the psychiatrist wasn’t too worried as per the comment you quoted. They only become a problem if we start to act on them. They are often caused by anxiety, so the responsibility of having a newborn baby in the car could be a trigger. Your brain leaps ahead to a possible catastrophic event, a worst case scenario. My youngest has OCD and so did I when younger and therapists spend a fair bit of time dealing with intrusive thoughts, because they get stuck on a loop in the brains of people with OCD. I occasionally imagine driving my car off the road or keeping on driving into the car in front of me but I know it’s just a thought and that I would never do it. It can be very unsettling though.

None of your response is relevant to my post.

Being comfortable driving does not make you a car owner. And plenty of people who are comfortable driving do not own cars, especially when they live places where the lack of a car does not limit their lives particularly.

I have not ridiculed anyone.

I was simply pointing out that most people who are uncomfortable driving would be better off if, instead of avoiding it, they sought to overcome their discomfort.

Take your rant about other posters to them. Its not relevant to the points I was discussing.