Struggling with likely inoperable cancer diagnosis while waiting for confirmation

[EmeraldJeanie]

I'm struggling. My husband is in hospital and been told after MRI likely inoperable cancer. If confirmed (biopsy Tuesday and they seem certain) then week til confirmation of something they are sure about and then chemo/ palliative care. Also procedure on Monday before biopsy Tuesday.
He looks the fittest man on the ward. He walked 15,000 steps round the hospital grounds yesterday. He is masking for our boys - sixth form and university age but talking about finances/ dignitas with me.
I am signed off work with stress. We are both late 50s.
This is all rather outing for anyone who knows me but perhaps that doesn't matter.
I need to buck up. I am losing weight and slim anyway. This limbo awful and yet knowing for sure will be awful too.

I am 60 very soon. Early retirement is something I can consider. However, for moment will get extension of fit note.

I think that’s sensible OP. I had to retire earlier than I planned ( am also nearly 60) on health grounds ( my own) but I would counsel extending the sick note as long as you can for now. To be aware if you happen to be a civil servant or if dh is, there are huge backlogs in pensions processing.

Work seems utterly unimportant at the moment for both of us. My boys need support as well.

Sending you love and strength. Sometimes there are just no adequate words 💐

please take the time and space off work. Also is there someone financial you can talk to even a friend who is savvy? Please do not resign. As you really carefully need to think about your own financial future and you have worked really hard to get to this point. Can the doctor sign you off for a month or two? Just to give yourself some breathing room

Dr extremely blunt about prognosis today. DH and I numb.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry for you both. 💐

Sorry you are going through this, OP

Sorry the dr was blunt. That would have made it harder for you both. What’s the update, if you feel up to sharing op?

I'm so very sorry to hear this. Sending you and your boys love and strength.

I am so sorry for you all.

I am a couple of months further down the line, and with my mother. You’re going to go through some wild swings of emotions so be very gentle to yourself, and don’t find the emotions that feel awful - anger, resentment, they’re going to crop up too even though you’ll hate them.

It is absolutely awful and I am just sorry for you and offer you lots of love and handholds. Remember to talk to people you trust when you can, whatever you want to say. I’ve found CBT has been oddly helpful at the moment processing some of my feelings and reactions, even though it might not seem on paper as if it will help.

Please use this thread to talk if you want to and share. So many of us have been through this or are going through it. It fucking sucks and people, even strangers online, are here for you.

Thinking of you and your DH and your Boys.
Are you in a position where you could take unpaid leave if necessary ? Do not resign. Speak to your GP. A good GP will sign you as unfit for work

I am unfit to work at the moment.

I haven't always been kind to dh. I've taken him and our life for granted. Yet now I can hardly function.

💐 and gentle hugs

I am very sorry, I know that's not much help, but I do mean it.

Awful that no results yet. Feel for you both xx

No one can be kind to everybody all the time. You haven’t taken him or your life together for granted, you’ve been doing what we all do… just living the perfectly normal ups and downs of everyday life. You’re in shock. As anyone would be. Be gentle to yourself. Sending you so much love and strength.

Sending a little prayer 🙏 to you and your family xx

I'm so sorry to hear this. Life can be incredibly cruel at times. Big hugs

I cared for my husband in the end years of his life (he died young) and I wasn't even all nice and sweet even when I knew he was terminal! It's incredibly stressful in ways I had not anticipated, and so being human, and moody/not your best self is normal. One thing I did do though was lots of hugs and physical closeness, a friend of mine who was terminal was upset her husband stopped touching her after diagnosis and that stuck in my mind, so I always tried to be affectionate even if there were moments I was my less than pleasant self. Be kind to yourself, OP.

OP, you have not taken him for granted...you just lived life ...
my husband's father died of cancer when he was 20 and the father 53.
My husband from then and there developped cancer fear, he always speaks that if we move somewhere new, there has to be a hospital within easy reach...then I developped this thought also, I see him dying of cancer every day, it has been in my mind for 15 years.

Everyone does that at one time or another. You wouldn't be human if you didn't take a loved one for granted.

My advice would be, don't resign. Take long term sick leave, family leave or a career break

OP, I can only send huge strength and hugs. We're at a very different stage of DH's cancer journey but even so it's unutterably shit.

All I can say is to lean on those around you when you can and accept help and support when it's offered. My experience has been that people do really care and do really want to show love and support, but don't always know how.

You're quite right to be prioritising your husband and your boys. You don't need to make any decisions about other aspect of your life right now.

Thinking of you OP. Please don't be hard on yourself. I hope you can take long term leave and manage to eat.