Husband with terminal cancer- thinking all sorts of awful things that I shouldn’t think:

[bertomi]

Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer in July 2024. It had already spread and despite 10 chemo sessions plus 6 immunotherapy sessions, he is now with palliative care nurses and we regularly visit our local hospice. My thoughts are that he doesn’t want a long drawn out death but he seems to be rallying as a result of the drugs he is on. He is v v thin but other than that he is better on these drugs. Forgot to mention he has a stoma bag.
I just feel like my life stopped in July 2024 ( how selfish of me to think about my life, I know). His small bowel will block at some point and at that point it is pretty much game over. My issue is … it’s the waiting. The waiting. When is he going to die? When is he going into the hospice? When can we all sort of …. Move on?? Don’t get me wrong, I adore him but I’m teetering on the edge of every day … could it be today??????? Can anyone relate??? Thanks

Have been thinking of you bertomi, has he been admitted to the hospice now?

We are waiting for a bed at the Hospice. He’s pretty much bed bound now and so weak and fragile. Thin isn’t the word. I’m so sad xxxxx

So sorry. Wishing you strength and fortitude in the days to come. x

I am so sorry @bertomi . Similar situation here. My father has gone downhill, is suffering episodes of breathlessness and bleeding from the cancer and confined to hospital as needs specialist care to stay comfortable. Completely there in his mind which honestly almost makes it worse. He doesn't want to die.

You can't really describe it.

Hello Bertomi

just seen your update, is hospice at home available in your area? I am sure you have given great consideration to all the options but given that your DH is bed bound it might be a possibility, if you are able to do the practical things with support from the district nurses such as a syringe driver, turning etc

My wife died at home and it was mercifully peaceful and pain free, I take great comfort from the fact she died at home and have never felt unsettled by it. However I know everybody is different.

Take it a moment at a time, I can promise you that you will find the strength to get through this from somewhere.

@bertomi it's truly awful! My husband is Stage IV oesophageal cancer and coping ok a the moment but I know this won't last for long and he will go downhill; it a horrible thought.
Sending love and hugs.

I am in the same boat OP, but a few months behind you. My DH is 46 and has stage 4 bowel cancer, spread to both lungs, liver and we found out last week it's now in lymph nodes. It is a daily hell for him, me and our dd who is only 16. She is becoming a very traumatised and angry young lady and amongst everytjing else I am grieving for the childhood/adolescence I wanted her to have in comparison to this hellish existance. My lovely DH is suffering so much on a daily basis, and I can't make it better, feeling ill and in pain, and facing his own death. His second line chemo didn't work, options are runjing out. I am struggling to accept and process it all, and have constant dread of a future without him, doing life alone, the grief that will come, the loneliness, not having him there when I need him, I am terrified, absolutely terrified. I am so terribly sorry that you and so many others are going through this hell. I would give anything to change it. Sending solidarity xx

Oh @Magicpaintbrush I’m so so sorry. It’s the hardest hardest thing to deal with. I write this from the bedside of my husband who has been given days. He’s so disoriented and so unwell. I’m so upset.

I have been wondering how you are Bertomi. I am so sorry and I hope that you are both able to find peace in these days.

I'm so very sorry OP, it's beyond words how unfair and awful it is. I hope you have family and friends around to support you through this xxx

@bertomi I'm so sorry to hear this; life is very cruel at times. I hope you are being well supported and that your husband finds peace. Xxx

Thinking of you both and hoping that in amongst the sea of emotions you find some calmness.

@bertomi sending you strength and love. I lost my beloved to cancer 5 years ago. Your journey of watching and supporting is so very tough. 💐

Thank you everyone. They keep saying his death is imminent which I just can’t bear. They’ve heavily sedated him now as he’s very agitated. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle his actual death😔

When my wife was dying the time between her breaths became longer and not as deep. There were a few moments when I thought she had died and then she took another one and I somehow knew that was her last.

Currently walking the dog in the snow and sunshine and hopong a strangers strength helps you to know you are not alone.

I'm so sorry to read you're both having such a tough time @bertomi . My dad also seemed so distressed and agitated towards the end and had to be sedated. It's not to listen to for now, but thinking about his behaviour then always upset me, until I listened to a podcast (Fi Glover and Jane Garvey) with a palliative care nurse who explained that in most cases, the patient is so deeply sedated that these actions are just physical reactions, and the patient was not in pain or distress. That gave me a lot more comfort than I expected.

Your husband will be in very good hands with the medics whose primary intention is to make sure that he is not in pain. Thinking of you lots. Most of us on this thread have been where you are, and whilst we aren't there in body, know that we are with you in spirit xx

my wonderful husband passed peacefully yesterday at 1.45 pm. I’m in shock. But at least he is now in peace. Thank you for all your support. It has really helped xxxx

@bertomi I'm so sorry to hear that but he is now painfree and at peace. Sending love and support. X

@bertomi I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking loss, I hope you have lots of support and comfort as you navigate life without your darling husband💔
I’m holding you in my thoughts and prayers 🫂 💐

@bertomi I’m so sorry to hear this heartbreaking news. As you say he is now at peace. I hope you are surrounded by family & friends who will support you over the coming weeks & months. Will be keeping you in my thoughts 💐

So sorry for your loss. I hope you have love and support for the future as you go through life without your dear husband

I am so sorry for you loss Bertomi, thinking of you. Hope you have love and support from family and friends as you navigate this awful time.

I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you love

So sorry. 🌸

I’m so sorry @bertomi. Remember him as he was, the man you loved.