Husband with terminal cancer- thinking all sorts of awful things that I shouldn’t think:

[bertomi]

Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer in July 2024. It had already spread and despite 10 chemo sessions plus 6 immunotherapy sessions, he is now with palliative care nurses and we regularly visit our local hospice. My thoughts are that he doesn’t want a long drawn out death but he seems to be rallying as a result of the drugs he is on. He is v v thin but other than that he is better on these drugs. Forgot to mention he has a stoma bag.
I just feel like my life stopped in July 2024 ( how selfish of me to think about my life, I know). His small bowel will block at some point and at that point it is pretty much game over. My issue is … it’s the waiting. The waiting. When is he going to die? When is he going into the hospice? When can we all sort of …. Move on?? Don’t get me wrong, I adore him but I’m teetering on the edge of every day … could it be today??????? Can anyone relate??? Thanks

Be kind to yourself, OP, for your very normal feelings in a terrible situation .

I completely understand

I really struggled with my late father's demise, in fact it was one of the most stressful periods of my life. I coped better after he was gone.

I don't want to compare a husband and a father, though. Funnily enough, I would not have commented, but just today, I was talking to one of Mum's friends who is in a similar position to you. With her husband, it's not clear at all how long he has and he's had to go into a home because one carer at home would not be enough. It's been going on for about 18 months.

She is actually going on holiday now and she agonised over it. She's much younger than my mum and she is going on holiday with her parents. They persuaded her that she really needed a break. She has also stopped visiting every day now. She goes every other day. It's just too much otherwise. She's retired so not having to juggle work.

If you are already talking with the hospice, then I think your situation is different.

I do understand how you're feeling and what you don't want to say out loud, probably. Neither does she. When there is no end date, it's really hard.

The first person I saw outside the family on the day of his death, I couldn't stop crying. And I had to explain, or I felt like I had to explain, I suppose there was no need really - I actually wasn't crying because I was upset. I was crying because I was absolutely exhausted!

Anyway, if venting on here helps you - vent away, you will not be judged 💐

There’s a thread in life limiting for partners of people who are suffering with cancer. Storm part 3.

I know exactly how you feel, I lost DH when he was 52.
He was in High Dependancy after an operation which we knew could go either way, it was obvious watching his stats every day that he wasn't going to pull through. He was very unwell before the op.
He lived for 14 days after the op and it was awful, just waiting on him dying.
I know it's not the same as you're going through, but the waiting was the worst time in my life.
Sending you strength and coping vibes.

It's self protection and very natural. When you're terribly frightened of course you want it to be over, of course you're trying to visualise what life might look like beyond this, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. You mustn't blame yourself, it is a part of loving someone in this awful situation.

I understand it's hard but imagine the pain and suffering he is having and feeling guilty others are putting their life in hold and looking after him poor. Man but be terrified

My husband was 39 when he died of bowel cancer. After being given six months he lived 2 years 8 months, going through major surgery, 40 cycles of chemotherapy, a clinical trial and radio. Your thoughts are perfectly normal. It's important to be able to visualise what comes after. Lean on your hosoice and Maggies if you have one.

I’m so sorry OP. 🥺

I think this is why so many people support the option of Assisted Dying. Personally I hope it gets through. For everyone’s sake.

My father has a terminal illness. He's been in and out of hospital for various treatments for almost two years now. He's very frail and needs a high level of care.

My mother cares for him. He's currently in hospital and has been for the past two months. She visits him almost every day. She can't work, can't visit friends and can't come and stay with us (we live 4 hours away) to spend time with her grandchildren like she used to. They're growing up and she feels that she's missing out on time with them. She hasn't been on holiday for 3 years. We invited her to come on a weekend break a few months again but my father was too unwell for her to come in the end. Obviously not his fault, just the way the cookie crumbles.

It is a very, very tough situation. We want to cherish the time we have left together, but equally we are only human.

I understand. My DH had a stage 4 diagnosis then had a massive stroke 18 months later. Those last few months were the hardest I have ever experienced, I lost the man I loved the night the stroke happened but his physical body was still with us for a few months more. I had those thoughts too. You are not alone. have you looked at anticipatory grief?

I just want to echo what others have said, that it is normal to think these things. It's not as if there's any doubt that your DH's illness is terminal: you know death can't be far away, it's a matter of when and not if. It's important to be allowed to articulate these feelings and not be judged. My sister was dying far too young and I told someone I was angry, not just about the impending death & loss of what could have been, but also with her for some weird reason. Maybe because she was abandoning me? Who knows. Anyway, the person I told (who had no experience of death and so was clearly the wrong person for me to tell) just went on about 'did I think she wanted to die?' blah blah. No,of course not, but all it did was shut me up, it didn't stop me feeling as I did.

It's such a curious thing to deal with as it's so commonplace: we'll all do it someday, and it's also so strange to us as most of us don't deal with it much in our society. One thing that surprised me was how boring it all was for most of the time. All the waiting, as you said. We're not very good with death, are we?

Sending you love, OP.

We lost my DB to bowel cancer last year in his early 40s. So much of what you are saying resonates and I think my DSIL would agree - there came a point when we were all just waiting and also wanting his suffering not to be prolonged. And all the "normal" making of plans - to see friends, go on holiday, anything at all - has to be put on hold and that's not the way most of us are used to living. I'm very sorry you find yourselves in this situation and I hope your DH is pain free and peaceful.

It's normal op. I felt the same with both my parents. I was just waiting for the inevitable and so sadly were they.

It's an understandable reaction to a very shitty and devastating situation. Take care of yourself and ask for support from those around you.

You are in limbo, the life you had before the diagnosis has gone and you are in this horrific new reality which will be temporary, alien and surreal and then after he dies you have to piece yourself together again, somehow and work through the guilt and unfairness of it all.

It is horrific in a way that only those of us who have been through it understand. I send you my strength, remember to breathe.

I just want to thank you for this common sense reply. I feel guilty that I 'don't feel that sad' about my Mum dying (dementia/malnutrition as a result) and had started to think there was something wrong with me like i was selfish, mentally unwell or lacking empathy, because I didn't get that upset as my expectation had been that I would be 'devastated'. But your explanation makes a lot of sense and i have actually screenshot it so i can refer back to it when I'mbeating myself up that i 'don't care enough'. I hope it brings you comfort too OP.

I haven't been in this position yet with anyone I love being terminal but I have had loved one's go though a lot with cancer and at some point may become terminal. I do worry about the future and the impact it will have, the caring responsibilities although I also want to be there for them. I think feeling that way is somewhat normal and doesn't mean you don't love them or are wishing them gone. You are in an unbearable position and I think you're very brave to even talk about these feelings.

My writing this sitting at my mums bedside after she’s had her treatment withdrawn. She’s been in hospital much of the last 6 months and it’s been really hard lately. I was visiting pretty much every week and it’s really been taking a toll (it’s 2 hours each way pretty much)

Ive had ups and downs thinking she won’t last a week.

then I feel guilty for feeling like that as she’s the one that’s going through it. I feel guilty going back to their house for sleep tonight (I’m going at about 11) even though I have been here since 12.30 and will be here about 8.30 in the morning.

This cancer is making you both suffer. What you are feeling is so normal. I know it is nearly impossible but please find some time in the day to look after yourself and please accept any help that is offered. x

The limbo is the worst. I always feel huge relief along with my grief.

How would he feel if he read this?

Well, fortunately he's not reading it. No idea why you think this is an appropriate comment.

Op is entitled to her own feelings. Please don't guilt trip a grieving person. I very much doubt she is sharing this thread with her sick husband.

No she isn't. You clearly lack empathy.