Husband with terminal cancer- thinking all sorts of awful things that I shouldn’t think:

[bertomi]

Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer in July 2024. It had already spread and despite 10 chemo sessions plus 6 immunotherapy sessions, he is now with palliative care nurses and we regularly visit our local hospice. My thoughts are that he doesn’t want a long drawn out death but he seems to be rallying as a result of the drugs he is on. He is v v thin but other than that he is better on these drugs. Forgot to mention he has a stoma bag.
I just feel like my life stopped in July 2024 ( how selfish of me to think about my life, I know). His small bowel will block at some point and at that point it is pretty much game over. My issue is … it’s the waiting. The waiting. When is he going to die? When is he going into the hospice? When can we all sort of …. Move on?? Don’t get me wrong, I adore him but I’m teetering on the edge of every day … could it be today??????? Can anyone relate??? Thanks

Awwww, don't feel bad @bertomi it's natural to just want it all over, then feel bad and guilty because you thought that, then realise you only wanted their suffering to end, then there's the fact that your life is in limbo and you can't move on... Can't add much more as many posters have said what I would have said. You don't need to feel bad. Take care of yourself.

Please stop. 😢

Thank goodness the post that I quoted in my draft has been deleted. But here's the bulk of my response.

It's really important that those in OP's position have somewhere where they can express their feelings honestly. It might be to a hospice counsellor, it might be to a Macmillan nurse, it might be to a trusted friend, it might be in a carers' group*, or it might be, completely anonymously, on a forum.

*The carers' group at the hospice was a revelation to me. It was an entirely safe space for us all, and a lot of very honest words were spoken. And no-one was judged for it.

@Allthatshines1992 . You really don't have a clue, do you?

What if you loved three people, but while one of them was alive, you couldn't see or spend time with the other two, because it might be harmful to the first one?

Unless you have a fucking clue about the miserable, miserable reality of many of these situations, maybe don't comment.

My kids have spent many weekends travelling hours on end to be sat in a hospital cafe for half an hour. They're not even allowed to see their grandad.

If it was me, OP, that was ill and in pain and dying, I think I'd have great empathy and love for those who are having to grieve for me even before I die, and see me suffer, and put their lives on hold. What you're feeling is so normal and human.

I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this.
My partner (lived together for years but never married) died from cancer and the two years he was unwell were so difficult. Once he was terminal, I felt just the same as you. It sounds awful but I’d walk the dog just to get some head space away from it all and hope it would be over soon as I was physically and mentally exhausted. I’d then feel guilty about this and filled with dread about him not being here and beat myself up for being an awful person. I don’t think until you’ve been there anyone can understand the impact it has on the main carer.
If I could turn back time I wish I’d spoken to the hospice about how I was feeling. It always felt selfish as obviously he was in a far worse position than me but I needed support as it was so overwhelming.
So please speak to the hospice as I’m sure they’ll be able to help you. It’s bloody shit seeing someone you love so unwell and being unable to make things better. It takes a huge toil on the wife / husband / family so reach out and get the support you need.
Hoping whatever time he has left can be as peaceful as possible for you both.

How can you fucking sleep posting stuff like this? Honest to God, take a look at yourself.

My post will probably be deleted but here goes - you are a complete twat.

This is not AIBU. It’s an OP whose husband is terminally ill expressing her feelings. It’s not a debate.

Please don’t derail the thread.

OP - I haven’t been where you are but absolutely no judgment obviously. I’m sorry you’re facing this.

Hi Op,
Just sending you a handhold and support. I know what you are going through because I have an aggressive cancer which will likely spread and kill me at some point.

The guilt I feel is enormous; towards my young adult DC, my partner and my parents. Every scan has been bad news, the pain, the appointments, the chemo, the knackered veins, the fatigue and the fear. When is it game over, when do I accept my fate? My poor kids, “ mum, fight it” they say, “fight it” their faces sad and desperate. But how, when it is stronger than I.

OP, what you are thinking is a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. You want it over, but you don’t. Seek support, talk, cry, scream; do what ever you need to do. I hear you 🌺🌷🌻

Okay, fine. Fair enough. Carry on, I will unwatch/delete the thread from my feed so as not to comment and derail it. I don't think it's okay to think this way but a lot of people do seem to think that's right so will leave you all to it. And you can slag me off and call me names, it doesn't matter.

Totally normal, you grieve at the diagnosis, and whilst you do treasure time together you have a future, he doesn’t.

my good friend met her future husband in a support group for people who had lost their spouse to cancer, 6 weeks after her first husband died, they kept it secret for 6 months before being spotted - her theory was why at 48 years old should she stop her life. She had 25 years happy marriage with first husband and 25 with her second before he passed away, she has a lovely dp now but they haven’t married

Didn't there used to be a report button? I find @Allthatshines1992 is being absolutely awful and would like her latest post deleted.

Sending you hugs. I think your feelings are normal and valid. It must be incredibly tough all round x

I've reported it. You go to the dots on the right side of the post and scroll down.

Haven’t been through this but completely understand. I don’t think you’re awful at all

There are obviously some people who have had no experience of caring for a relative with an extended terminal illness, OP. Of the reality of being constantly in and out of hospital, wondering if this is going to be the time, knowing that the person you love is facing a painful, unpleasant death.

And while this is happening, life doesn't stop. You still have to deal with everything you had to deal with before, but now there is a lot, lot more. Jobs, kids, bills, financial troubles (not helped by £200 a month for bloody hospital parking), other relatives, chores. With no respite. It is a marathon and you need to stop for water occasionally and you get very, very tired before the end. And the finish line doesn't bring relief, only guilt and grief.

It's just all quite shit, really.

Oh OP, for me it was my dad who died last Saturday not my DH but I had exactly the same thoughts.

Just wanted to mention that hospice said we might feel relieved when he died and that was ok. Turns out they were absolutely right, it was so lovely to see dad peacefully resting.

Only other thing to mention, I was absolutely terrified of the thought of watching someone die. Actually in a weird way it's quite a privilege, nothing scary at all, it was just Dad.

I did have to go into the room an hour afterwards to get mum's bag and Dad looked totally different. I really wouldn't recommend it, I wish I hadn't but can't change it now

Imagine banging on about having endless empathy whilst being so bloody cruel and closed minded yourself.

Not quite the same OP and can't imagine your pain but my lovely DF is currently suffering from dementia, still a long road ahead - I feel awful some days but wishing to skip to the end point and for the suffering to be over often crosses my mind. The certainty AND uncertainty of the future is awful. As the overwhelming majority have said, your feelings are normal and you should give yourself grace in this terrible situation.

This absolutely.

Me too, not helpful and awful for OP to read.
I hope if she reads the other replies she’ll see those who have been through this completely understand and those who haven’t have expressed empathy and not judgement.

@Enigma54am in a similar boat hence name and have a same prognosis. Just wanted to say I get it. You are just as done with it all as everyone else.

Completely agree with everything you said. Big hug.