DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

No similar experience, but given all you have described I can’t believe you’d consider him going back to somewhere that’s failed him so completely. He has told you he doesn’t want to.

Concentrate on supporting him in his recovery, and in continuing his education if and when he can. You may well have grounds for a complaint/action against the school, but not predicated on your DS returning.

I would definitely let him leave this school and continue his A levels elsewhere. I can't believe you're considering sending him back tbh.

Yes - allow your son to start afresh at a new school, will do his confidence wonders and be far better for him than the top boarding school that has failed him so badly.

I don't think any schools deal with bullying properly and I think it's because adults never learn how to. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle, we're not taught as young people, and it's not taken seriously, which then carries over to adulthood where bullying is equally rife in workplaces and institutions. It's always ever lip service.

So the best you can do for your son is first to support his move to a new school, and secondly to pay more attention to the dynamics of the spheres in which you move. Be alert to the speech and behaviour of yourself and your peers, stand up for those who are mistreated and especially those with less power. Teach your children the same and be part of a solution.

I do find it odd that you are distraught at the school's failures and livid at the harm your son has suffered. Not that it's wrong to be angry, of course, but it seems to me that both you & he place more worth on the kudos & reputation of the school than is warranted and that seems an unhealthy way to judge one's own achievements and identity.

Look beyond the reputation (& expense) and instead focus on the the spirit which is fostered.

Get him out now.

Enrol him in a sixth form college instead, or somewhere nearer you if possible.

The status or ethics or values of the school are all totally and utterly irrelevant if there are nasty kids in there are bullying in such a way that it can't be picked up. All deniable, nothing concrete etc etc.

My sibling works in one of these places. The staff are massively disgruntled. Pay/pensions is an issue, houses can be staffed by loads of different people - even including temporary staff.

There is nothing that they can do to prevent these kids bullying. Nothing at all. Get your child out now. Nobody is keeping him safe.

These schools are only ok for kids who are doing ok - if not, there are too many kids and too few adults. Please remove your child.

My advice would be to deal with the failings of the school AFTER you have sorted your ds's happiness out.

Let him go to a new school or college and start again. There's no shame in that.

I wouldn't want my child back in the situation you describe. I, in all honesty, am would've pulled him out before now.

They have failed him miserably and at this point I don’t think you can trust them to put anything in place to keep him safe and for you all to be comfortable that they can actually keep him secure.

PP is correct, deal with the school failings after you have looked after his immediate needs and supported him in a new school.

I feel for you all, what a terrible situation made worse by their failings.

I would definitely let him leave this school and continue his A levels elsewhere. I can't believe you're considering sending him back tbh.

I agree.

boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk

The most important thing here is your boy's welfare and happiness.

You must pull him out from this toxic environment. Immediately.

Everything else can be sorted out later.

Your child's mental health is the most important thing here, and yes, without going into details, I do speak from experience.

Is there something specific you want the school to do? Is there a set of procedures they usually use to reintroduce someone back in?

I could see if there was a plan with the school, that he was on board with , and that you felt good about , but it sounds like he really wants to move on.

Is there a different school he has shown interest in?

If dd's school were so shit at safeguarding they openly told me that they couldn't guarantee her safety she would never return there. Surely you can't really be considering sending him back? Not really.

Do not send him back there!

Hells bells @GrumpyBadger1 - I'm absolutely horrified that you'd consider sending your vulnerable son back to a boarding school where he was so absolutely unhappy that he was {I assume} considering ending his life?

Being a teenager can be incredibly hard.

Boarding schools can make some children desperately unhappy.

I won't mention the school, but a top boarding school had a pupil leap out of an upper window because he was so distressed, and graffiti appeared saying ''{Name"} -try harder next time''

Please follow your son's wishes to be allowed to go to a local college to do his A levels.

Teens at these can do very well and get top grades, and he can be quiet and incognito if he wishes, and not get bullied.

I really wish him well.

PLEASE listen to your son.

Please don't send him back. Nothing in life is more important than your son's safety and his mental health

No school on earth is worth that sacrifice

You remove him. You'd put your sons, health, happiness and safety at risk basically because it's a top private school.? You must be out of your mind !

As others have said. Please don't send your son back to the school.

There are plenty of places he can go to complete his A levels. Hopefully this would not happen, but if anything was to happen to him because he's been sent back there, will you be able to forgive yourself?

Bullying can be very sly and underhand at these places.

A shocking TV play was made decades ago about the bullying that took place in Public school {Quote from a review}

''Good and bad at games'' 1983
I remember this film very well, as being a vivid evocation of bullying at school and the effect it can have on the rest of your life...the final climactic scene on the cricket pitch still haunts me today!

Do not send him back there.

Just let him go to local 6th form

If I had known in July that the school had concerns about his safety I don't think he would have gone back in September: but it was his choice to go back to do A levels.

He told me last week he was ready to go back, but during the week his position changed.

He can't restart at a local school until September. If he does move he will need time to reflect and regroup and continue with his CBT.

We are all going to visit a likely state school on Friday.

I am absolutely torn between rage at the school and its failure to live up to its promises and the worry that DS might regret a move away.

@GrumpyBadger1 Or even an FE college, where there will be a mix of all ages- This often stops bullying as there will be mature students in their 20's 30's in the 'A' Level classes as well as fellow teenagers, the mixture of ages has a mellowing effect.
Find a nice local one to you , and your son will be probably be much happier. No one will ask about his past there.

My friend's brother won a scholarship to a top school, he was fortunately a day boy, but he was bullied for being ''Poor''...called a ''Poor boy'' was hurtful to him.... He went to Cambridge afterwards {he works in academia now}

It's outrageous, it really is. The school absolutely should have let you know that he was at risk of self harm.

I don't think your son will regret it.

The bullying my friend's lovely brother had to put up with at a top school was pretty bad.

Thankfully he was able to come home every evening, as the school wasn't too far away. He is a lovely, kind man {and was a delightful boy- we grew up together as kids}

Your son will hopefully be happier closer to home.

Thank you all for your helpful posts.

I don't disagree with any of you and a good (metaphorical) wobble of the head is probably what I needed.

DS will not be going back.

I ought to add that he is a splendid young man: kind, able, smart, diligent, witty and considerate. He is a lad anyone ought to want in their school.

Why can’t he move somewhere else right now? He’s only missed a term. I would move him now to a local small private school if there is one or state school/ college in September if he can only do 2 years at state provision. With the private provision he can stay on for the extra year if he isn’t ready.

I would address this with the school after your ds is settled. I also don’t know how you would contemplate sending him when they’ve told you they can’t guarantee his safety. Children can be complete idiots at this age, especially when released in the wild at boarding school. This threat should be taken with the utmost seriousness it deserves.

I rather got that impression from your post tbh :)