DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

You keep making excuses that everything was his choice. You're the parent, this has been going on for 6 years and you kept him there ?
I think you've all failed him

He lives at school and he’s being bullied where he goes to school AND where he lives. Bring him home. Home school him until September when your local private school can take him if you have to.

It's shocking that the school 'cannot guarantee his safety'. That alone is reason to get him out of there.

Goodness me, keep him at home immediately. He can be home educated for the time being.

I assumed they meant due to him being a self harm/ suicide risk but if they mean they can’t stop other students attacking him then that’s insane- I’m assuming they don’t mean that as if they had that sort of proof they’d just expel the perps ( you’d hope- although I have heard of schools where certain students seem to be untouchable)

Homeschool with a tutor for a bit.

complain later using bullying policy

at 11 years old the decision is a parents not a child’s… boarding is not all Harry Potter…

If this is real, wtf. Some of the replies as well. It’s not 1950 ffs. Poor kid

Allow yourself to let go of the idea that this school is the best place for him. Show him the way, find a positive narrative that is built around him, his needs, forstering his personality, supporting him, protecting him from harm. There is no rush to find him a new place. He has the rest of his life in front of him. In the next few months, he can do anything... take some open on line courses in areas of interest (MOOC), explore sports, creative arts, find a volunteer job, self study an AS, do an EPQ, homeschool, but mostly, wrap him up in the warmth of your family and tell him every day that he is loved and his is enough.

Agree. There have been several posts like this lately about boarding school and the child being desperate to go there apparently. Fucking cruel.

This just gets worse. 11? “His choice”

You do whatever protects your child.
In this instance it's not sending him back to that school.
I would then make it my mission to take action against the school on whatever level I could.

I would make sure you are sending a very message that you love him and support him, that the school / leaving the school doesn’t matter a scrap in the grand scheme of things, that life moves on and this is just one of its episodes, soon to be forgotten. Find something if at all possible outdoorsy for him to do (sport / landscaping work?) as helps a lot with mood to be outside in daylight. Can either you or your partner take a career break for a couple of months to support him? Go on road trips, couple of city breaks? You’re going to be saving those fees after all!

Demonstrate to your son as a life skill that it is perfectly acceptable to put a traumatic situation firmly and decisively behind him, tell him how much you love him, that the silver lining is that you guys get to have him around at home because you enjoy his company so much, make sure he is getting hugs and affection.

You have a window here to support your child in a way that will set them up for life. He was / is considering suicide! Take him half way round the world for six months if necessary, but make sure he knows how wonderful you think him and how much you love him and adore having him around.

I'm pretty sure I know the school from friends who went there. Begins with an O and was a bully-pit 30 years ago so doubt it's changed.

Just dropping in here to repeat my mantra: UK private schooling is a massive con! Having learned in it briefly on arrival in the UK, and taught in it (and left as I didn't want to work with shit teachers and managers anymore), including across boarding schools, I became gradually more and more thrilled that I couldn't afford it and my children can revel in the luxury of state where their needs are met and the teaching is top class.

Once he's settled somewhere else, release all hell on the shitty private school.

If he is so unhappy that he is at risk of self-harm, there's equal reason to remove him as being at risk from harm from others.

If you can’t demonstrate that you can put a stupid school out of your head because you’re brooding on it, how do you expect him to? Get your priorities right! Tell him the dogs bark and the caravan moves on. Forget the school, what revenge or recompense are you ever realistically likely to get? Pointless wasting your energy, pour it into your lovely, irreplaceable, very sad sounding son instead - the fruit of that will be much better.

Fine they can’t take him until September. Look for an outstanding state sixth form you have time meanwhile get a tutor for some of the a levels he wants to. Look at what he wants to do for 9 months.

Just let him come home and let him take his A Levels near where you live. He can just go to any college and take them. The fact you are considering sending him back is awful. Sounds like he is being abused daily. Let him come home.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a gap year during a levels.
I did it, the course content wasn't right for me so I started again somewhere else. In the time I was at the first school I had friends who were older than me as they'd done the same.
My son had several in his a level classes who had done it.
I'm pleased to see you've realised that you'd be failing him if you sent him back there, onwards and upwards for him now!

Get him out and have your solicitor write the school a letter saying as they have been unable to keep your son safe, you are recovering all of the fees for this period and that your DS is suffering on-going trauma at the hands of the school. I wouldn’t send him
back, it hasn’t worked out, chalk it up to experience and move on.

He has been bullied since he started at the school, and the school has done nothing for 5 years? You sent him back every year?
You didn't even think to change schools after GCSEs?

And you still have to ask whether to send him back when it has got so bad that he is thinking about harming himself???

Let him reinvent himself. I had to move schools at a similar age and it was the making of me.

Get him out. I went to boarding school, albeit a long time ago, and loved it, but there are some people who went to my school, mostly boys, who have been scarred by the experience into adulthood. There was a lot of hazing/bullying among the boys when I was there but usually at a younger age and had stopped by sixth form. I thought safeguarding would have been a lot better in this day and age, but clearly not. Personally I would take home out and start him in therapy now as it's unthinkable that he's had to endure this for five years. You have to realise that at boarding school you can't get away from it. There is no safe haven. It's not like at normal school where you can go home and get some respite. It's 24/7 if you're being bullied. I can't even imagine the stress he's been under. Not helpful now, but personally I would have pulled him out long ago.

*take him out

Lots of kids have blips at this age and there is no harm or shame taking a very vulnerable boy out of an environment that is harmful and giving him until September to heal. Find a local school, get him a place for September and encourage him to do some volunteer work between now and then. Let him have a break, do some fun things and get some support. He will get back on track.

Get him out. It's not the best school for him.

The damage a return to this long term health and confidence isn't worth it.