DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

Wouldn’t have harmed the OP to put that info in.

I think he's much more likely to regret that he didn't move a while ago.

I too had heard very bad things about bullying at one beginning with O , and looking online it seems to be a serious problem.

However, @GrumpyBadger1 said their son was initially happy to be there.

It's really good that Badger and his wife are supporting their son to move to a school nearer home where he can hopefully be happier.

I agree that the school has failed him. It's possible that they were more worried about upsetting the bullies and losing their fees than your ds's welfare.

OP states the bullying has gone on for years. Yes the school have failed him, but so have his parents by sending him off back to a boarding school for these years, knowing he was being bullied. And now the poor lads mental health is on the floor and he is severely depressed.

The school and the parents have failed him. But ultimately, the poor lads is the parents responsibility. Just seems a bit 'out of sight out of mind.' From the parents POV.

Probably going to get piled on for being harsh, but it won't change my view. Posters on here have written their own experiences or loved ones experiences of having life long trauma because of boarding school / bullying. I don't know why anybody would subject their child through that by choice. Even if they were 'keen to go back.'

If it is purely the bullying that triggered the safety warning and I would be utterly amazed if it was the case, you need to settle your son, and then contact Ofsted. It’s simply unacceptable that they can ask you to leave because of their pure ineptitude. Their fundamental purpose should be the protection and well being of their pupils.

I would go as far to say you have a duty to report op. There will be other children with parents that are absent/too checked out that will need safe guarding and assistance too. Your son certainly won’t be the only one.

Be careful though, they are likely to blame your child for their failings, so be sure you know all of the facts especially the psychological well being of your son, but I would report whatever the situation- because schools need to be held accountable. Particularly when it comes to safety.

His life is more important than his CV.

Listen to him. He's your child. He's telling you what he needs: to be at home, with you, studying locally.

He was on Prozac and they couldn't guarantee his safety ???
Why on earth would you let him stay there ???

This is a lovely post and very true.
Children need to feel loved and supported above all.
However, there could be reasons we don't know about as to why Badger's son was a boarder.

It's often Army families or people who live extremely rurally or whose parents work overseas.

With respect, it was not his decision at 11. You are the parent. It was your decision. Which at that time he happily agreed with.

Bring him home and let him enrol in the local sixth form college.

At his age, he needs family support, not people who are paid to look after him. They don’t care.

Why are the school sending your son home for his safety and not excluding the bully?

Like others have said you need to remove him. My experience I was repeatedly sent back to boarding school despite showing real levels of distress until I had to starve myself to be heard. I resent my parents for not listing sooner. You don't want that for your son.

He sounds like a lovely boy OP. Speaking as the mum of a boy who had similar difficulties, I think you have to take his mental health quite seriously, in your OP you sound more bothered about the schools failings than that? It's good he is in the CAMHS system but that does point to it being fairly serious as they are so over-stretched waiting lists are very long.
As you have found, it's not feasible to change school partway through year 12, it's normal to restart the following year.
(Mine had to leave school and start GCSEs afresh somewhere else, which meant starting year 10 again). It's not that uncommon and no one will care.
In the meantime concentrate on working with him to find productive and enjoyable things for him to do to fill his time before September.

Probably as they can't ''prove it''..Bullying at schools can be sly and underhand, also just being excluded by others is painful in itself.
Whispers and glances, sniggering- it doesn't have to be physical violence, and often isn't.
Their stuff taken and hidden, but later returned damaged {but unprovable as to who did the damage &c}

Psychological bullying is often worse.

I have a friend who was safe guarding lead at a private boarding school. She left as she couldn't sleep at night.
Outcomes in this kind of thing pretty driven by expense. Far cheaper to dispatch bullied child than risk the loss of fees from multiple bullies.

I would have pulled him out years ago. I hope he finds a lovely new school.

Pls ignore, I hadn't read thread.

I googled and the 2004 ofsted report said 10% of students reported bullying in some boarding houses. Sounds like it's been a longterm issue.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist

This is a lot worse than 'manifest unkindness'.

Look, he's almost an adult now. Let him choose where to do A levels.

OP what do they mean they can't guarantee his safety? Do they mean from the boys or from himself?

it's also an age and stage of life (the teen years) when schizophrenia and other psychosis can begin to be observed.
of course due to the long past history of bullying and boarding atrocities it's the most likely cause of the boy (op's son's distress) but the school saying they can't prove any of this could equally hint and the beginning of delusional behavior.
no matter he needs to be with family for now.

Poor boy! Let him to take some time out - it will do him some good

Good luck finding a new school and as others have said, if there’s no space he can enjoy a few months doing a short course, part time work or volunteering or activities with you. You may find that as soon as he knows he’s not going back his distress will lessen greatly and also the need for therapy. Friends have had similar experiences and the sly nature of the bullying is so hard to prove you really are in a very difficult position. Well done for listening to him I’m sure he’ll thank you for it.

Thanks for all the constructive, sensitive and supportive posts to date, which I'm pleased to say are in the vast majority.

I feel I am being asked to provide an essay justifying individual family circumstances and choices. That wasn't why I posted, though I can see why some respondents want to hold me accountable for this.

I have benefited from various therapeutic approaches to my own recurrent depressive disorder from since I was in my early 20s. Some of these approaches have encouraged me to find fault with my own parents - others have encouraged me to understand their reasons and love them nevertheless despite what I might have thought of the decisions they made in bringing me up.

I'm accountable to DS for the choices I and DW made for him which we genuinely thought were in his best interests. I am trying my best to be open and honest with him about where we could have done better. But with respect I'm not accountable to those on here who (rhetorically or not) are questioning the parenting decisions DW and I made in good faith.

Thanks all.