DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

I very much hope your son settles quickly whatever setting you all choose in the future, and whilst it feels like a huge event now - in years to come, all being well, it will become just a blip.

Of course you made decisions for your child that felt right at the time, and I imagine it’s hard enough given what has happened since, but we can only make decisions on the information at the time. You could not have known what would happen.

The important thing is to support him unreservedly, as you are doing, help him choose wisely and make the most of this time with him. I am really sorry this has happened at all to be honest. All the best.

That is very kind of you. He loves us and we adore him and we all continue trying to make our way together.

I'm accountable to DS for the choices I and DW made for him which we genuinely thought were in his best interests. I am trying my best to be open and honest with him about where we could have done better.

It’s hard - and I’ve been in a similar position recently myself, so I do understand the guilt and recrimination involved in this sort of situation. But please try to remember that everyone is a genius with the benefit of hindsight; things did not work out the way you expected ex ante, but that wasn’t through any lack of effort or care on your side. You made what you thought was the best decision at the time. All you can do now is make the best decision for now - and if that’s reversing one you’ve taken before, then so be it. As I said upthread, we are so glad that we moved our DD out of a dreadful environment; it’s a hard move to make at the time, but I do think you reach a point where you think that anything else would be better than the status quo. Wishing you and your son all the best.

I absolutely agree with PP that he should leave and start again in a new school. I'm surprised this wasn't considered sooner especially at a boarding school. I know several young people who did this to no detriment to their education and to great benefit to their wellbeing.

I'd give done deep thought to the motivations for wanting him to go back somewhere that is unsafe for him. Are you prioritising his welfare or something else?