DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

If it helps, similar happened to me and I refused to go to school, I was about 12 at the time
They had nowhere to put me so I ended up in a pupil referral unit with the pupils that had been expelled from other schools ironically a lot for bullying! They were incredibly protective of me
I was then accepted into another school and absolutely loved it

Surely Private schools take new kids whenever. My kids school always seemed to have new kids randomly starting.

I agree with a previous poster that CBT isn't great for someone who has been through trauma. Suggest finding a therapist who works specifically with teens who have been through trauma.

Also try and get some activities organised outdoors, maybe something you do with your DS and something he does without you.

Firstly, I'm sorry the school has failed your son - repeatedly, from the sounds of it. I see you've decided not to send him back, which is what I would do too. But I wanted to comment on your worry that he might regret leaving the boarding school at a later date. He might. But we all have to make the best decisions we can, based on the information and options available to us at the time. If he regrets it, talk to him about the fact it's ok to be sad something didn't work out, and disappointed/angry that the people meant to help you didn't; but leaving the school was the best thing to do in this situation. He's at a very low point in an unsupportive environment where he will continue to be bullied. Leaving is the safest choice.

Outside exam years then usually, yes, assuming they're not full, but schools in general are v reluctant to take new pupils half way through GCSE or A level courses, especially if academically selective. Yes, it's only one term but the Sep-Dec term is so long it's almost half the teaching days of Year 12. DC's school doesn't take any new joiners other than at the start of Year 10 or Year 12.

Your DS sounds mature and sensible and I do not think he will regret leaving and starting anew elsewhere.

I think you are in danger of slipping into sunk cost fallacy territory. Yes, it's a prestigious school that he was excited to get a place in. Yes, he has performed well academically there. However, these past decisions and investments should not be prioritised over what is best for him now.

You need to take his mental health very seriously. As another poster said 'can't keep him safe' is code for suicide. They should have been more upfront with you about that.

Assuming he can't/doesn't want to start his new school until September, I would encourage him to either take a job or educational course between now and then so he has a daily routine and a sense of achievement.

Let him know how proud you are of him for dealing with his problems head on and bravely forging a new and unknown path.

We are not looking at a private school.

I think you are in danger of slipping into sunk cost fallacy territory. Yes, it's a prestigious school that he was excited to get a place in. Yes, he has performed well academically there. However, these past decisions and investments should not be prioritised over what is best for him now.

@Flustration gives some really wise advice here….

They couldn't guarantee his safety? From self harming or from other children?

Look at what happened at Blundell’s.

Surely the top boarding was private? Why not a day pupil at a private?

Yes I am aware of that. Not sure relevant to this question?

Take him out and put him in a normal local school. What are your priorities by the way?

Beg your parden. It was to show that kids can’t always be protected by the staff even in top expensive schools.

I asked if the school felt they couldn't keep him safe due to other children or to issues he has. I experienced this with my own daughter - due to her issues.

He will do just fine OP. But he needs to be safe and at home with his family in order to learn and grow productively.
What can he do between now and September at this age? It’s a long time to be sitting around out of school but I guess he is too young to work?

State schools with often start with a 'no', but there is often a lot more flexibility than they would have you believe. If your son wants to start immediately and feels confident he can catch up then I'd use their no as a starting point for further negotiations.

Maybe it is a definite no, but if you have come from a sector where the default is yes, it is possible you might be giving up too quickly.

OP, I would be very careful about your belief that ‘it was entirely his choice’ to go to boarding school at 11. My MIL would say that. But DH says that, with hindsight, he felt he really had no choice but to agree as it was such a prestigious school. In reality there was no free choice. And they’re still not young enough to comprehend what that choice means.

Try a bog standard state school. Really sorry to hear your DS is having a tough time.
You get shites everywhere, state or private.

He’s a bright lad who is suffering at this school. It’s not going to change and he’s unlikely to get the results he’s capable of in this environment.
Does he have to board if he attended a local school?
Why can’t he come home today and go to a different school?
You ds is deeply unhappy at this school. Please listen to him and get him out today.

Does it matter? There are many reasons why this might not be an option.

He could have been on a generous bursary, the might be reliant on MOD boarding only funding or the best local schools might be state ones. Lots of good reasons.

If Northants presume it's O, my dh went there, experienced awful bullying and nothing was done about it, he had to sort it out for himself. Not surprised to see nothing has changed.

Boarding schools are institutions. I cannot see why anyone wants their child brought up in an institution, the long term effects are awful. Imagine being bullied and not being able to go home to safety at night. 😥

You are so doing the right thing moving him.

Id let him restart next year. He has a lot to process. Support him to do things in the meantime which will rebuild his shattered self esteem.

I was wondering the same thing it doesn't seem like her son's happiness and well being is one.

I can't believe you're distraught about the school and not the fact your son's mental health had collapsed. F sake, f the prestigious school, poor boy.