DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

I think I have it wrong but did you send your 5 year old son to full-time boarding school?

He was 11 when he went, and it was completely his decision to go.

The local school we are looking at can't easily take him until September, they say.

Oh that makes more sense. I thought you meant he'd been there since 5yo and was now 11yo. Apologies. Oh and yes don't send him back.

He can’t go back.

Poor boy, I’d be concerned at how long the bullying had gone on for, it will take time to regroup after that.

There’s no escape in boarding if you are targeted. It must have been awful for him to get to this.

Switch schools, even with a break and restart.

I would come out fighting. Show him that you are 100% on his side and do not send him back. What is this appalling school going to do to compensate you and him?
Turn this around on to the bullies. Name and shame - make sure he has the opportunity to email in detail exactly what has happened. The legacy of this shouldn't be that he sees himself as a lesser person because of the horrific behaviour of children - soon to be adults ffs who have been allowed to attack him in this manner.

I would be getting a solicitor and making sure I was loudly in his corner. That crappy school doesn't deserve him back. Those scummy loser children don't deserve to be licking his boots. .
Appalling behaviour - just because they pay shouldn't mean they're protected.
I'm sorry this has happened to you both. Fk the little Shi. I would be taking down their names and planning long term revenge.

Show him your rage!!!

He'll be grand wherever he goes. I'd send him to a local school with space. You'll want him close while he recovers. It'll deepen his roots in your community and mean you can keep an eye on him. I wouldn't allow him to board if his mh is poor.

If has to repeat a year it will be fine too. He'll be more mature and it gives a bit of depth. I did a degree in my late 30s and it has definitely been a good example at interviews. There's more important things than doing everything in the 'right' order and health is number 1.

Well done on your decision not to send him back. You clearly have a lot of emotional attachment to this school and his history. It may be tough to let it go, but you have to. The best decisions I've made have been the ones that take me out my comfort zone and challenge me. In a few months time you'll have a whole new plan to look forward to with him.

The fish rots from the head in these schools and they have more or less told you they can't deal with the bullies and it's easier for your son to leave.

Kids can and do move easily, I pulled my child out of a bullying environment when he was assaulted in the classroom and moved him to a new school where he has gradually regained his confidence. The difference was immediate.

I get that it's a hard decision and very emotional, but he needs to know that he can walk away from toxic environments and find somewhere he is treated with respect. That is a lesson that will stay with him for life.

The longer you kept him there he will be going thru it. This school no matter how great is not worth your son's mental health.

Sorry you are going through this. What about enrolling him now in online school? To help keep some academic routine until next September as he recovers.

I'm surprised you even have to ask. They don't even care, they don't even want him back, because after the initial issue, they've dilly-dallayed, and they can't even be bothered to do anything quickly. Your poor son. Get him into somewhere else asap.

This is so shitty of the school. I think you need to focus on bringing your DS back and rebuilding his confidence. Is there something he can do in the meantime like a short course he will enjoy, a language etc alongside some meaningful part time work or volunteering that will add to his CV? Plus regular gym routine with a personal trainer/
some kind of sports club? Don’t just bring him home to languish in his room, that will make things worse. Have a plan to keep him busy.

Can add to this. I missed first term of sixth form for reasons I won’t go into with a similar academic record and caught up with the help of supportive teachers.

i can’t work out the timing, but I suggest the school offers him some private online tutor sessions, as small compensation for their safeguarding failures. What have they done? What medical support have they put in place? What practical actions have they taken? Apart from oooh no moving house is just soooo complicated. It sounds disgusting and I would be requesting their policies and asking how they have met them in detailed reference to each key item.

Not anywhere near you (London) but my daughter goes to a brilliant day school with a small sixth form (that gets outstanding results) and they would absolutely be able to integrate a new year 12 at this stage. These schools do exist, suggest you keep looking around. I’m glad you’ve stated your son is not going back.

Please use the money you will save on fees to find a private psychiatrist, the CAHMS process can take way too long.

Op this must be very distressing for you. I don’t know the cause of your son’s mental health issues, but he is much, much safer with you at home.

The fact the school have contacted you directly to say they are unable to keep him safe is usually code for he is at risk of suicide. Have you asked him gently without judgement if he has thought about taking his own life? I would want to get to the bottom of the reasons why he is feeling so desperately sad.

Not to alarm you but low level bullying is not the worst thing that can happen in boarding schools. Please take the time to learn what his experience has been like, what happened to him there and how you can best support him.

The approach of CBT, anti depressants etc will be a good start, but he will need continued and very careful monitoring. Check for self harm discreetly (usually out of sight on his arms) Ensure medication of all types are locked away. Razers and sharp objects too until you are certain he is not at risk. It’s usually recommended that he is discreetly monitored around the clock. At least for now. Book a private psychiatrist and organise for him to be assessed again so you have on going support.

This is a huge seismic change for him. He may feel a deep sense of failure, and feel he has let you down (which is not true, as no one chooses to be in this position)

Whatever has happened, your son has really suffered and will need your unconditional love and support going forward,

I would never send him back, or even consider doing so - the risk is so incredibly high.

Whilst I appreciate your disappointment, and you had such high hopes for your clever son - not all is lost. With the right care, support and plan he may very well flourish now he is safely back at home. University days are not so far away.

Is there a school near to where you live that can offer a place as a day pupil? Can you explore the local private schools?

If you are unable to secure a place for an immediate start at any school, I would arrange some experienced and skilled tutors to run through the A level syllabus with him for the next few months, so he is had the strongest start in September. Use the time wisely.

If you/ or he has local friends? Make sure he sees them. If he is interested in sports or music enroll him at home to participate. Plan a special trip for the spring holidays, something he has chosen - maybe including wildlife or his specific interests etc. plan it together.

Your son needs to know you are not disappointed in him, that you love him no matter what and that you will do all you can to support him now.

I wish you and your young son well.

It is well known starting anti depressants can trigger people to feel worse before they get better - his idealations unfortunately could have been because he had just started the meds.

The only thing that has an instant effect on bullying is to send someone bigger and scarier round to the parents’ house and put the fear of god into them. I know this is an absolutely awful thing to say and I’m not suggesting or condoning anything. But I’ve seen time and time again, schools that cannot handle bullies and parents that don’t care until you make it a problem for them.

Agree with previous posters that you should support your son in a fresh start. He needs to regain his control over the situation. High grades and ‘prestigious’ schools mean nothing in comparison to mental health.

I suffered similar at a high-performing all girls private school. My parents pulled me out and I did my A Levels at the local (very good) state sixth form. It was the absolute making of me! Do you have any good colleges nearby?

What a hard situation. Is there a local private school that has space sooner than September?

Or look at it another way - the school has done it’s best to keep him safe but he is still so unhappy that he wants to go home! They have investigated the alleged bullying and found no evidence. Perhaps the boy is saying he's being bullied as a cry for help to his parents.
His parents have, and are continuing, to fail him miserably by shipping him off to boarding school instead of having him live at home. Poor kid!

As you said he can't start the new school until September maybe have a look at interhigh Internet school in the meantime.

11 year olds do not have the understanding of what boarding school entails. It is not a decision an 11 year old should be asked to make. He probably thought it would be just like Hogwarts or some other fantasy boarding school. In reality, you're away from your family, likely miss them terribly at a time when you’re about to hit puberty and all that that entails.
Boarding schools should be banned!

I’m inclined to agree with this. It’s like a remnant of Victorian times but dressed up by high costs and posh brochures to entice in unwitting parents. So open to abuse.