DS bullied and ostracised in boarding house

[GrumpyBadger1]

Our DS is in his 6th year of boarding at a school in Northants with a good academic and sporting reputation.

We were initially very encouraged by the Head's insistence on kindness to others as a fundamental value of the community.

But since transition to senior school DS has been worn down by low-level but insidious bullying by another cohort in his year. Action to address it has not been effective because the boarding housemaster has been unable to uncover sufficient evidence.

Just after GCSEs DW was contacted by school welfare lead who expressed concerns over the thoughts DS had begun to report to her and encouraged the adoption of a safety plan.

DS was a very solid academic candidate who averaged 8 across 11 GCSEs and made a string start to A level studies, which he relishes.

A week before the end of term in December the House asked us to take DS home because they couldn't guarantee his safety. Since then we have been discussing his return but the longer it takes the more DS wants to drop out and restart A levels at another school where he can reinvent himself.

I don't know how firm he is in this view but I am distraught that one of the best boarding schools in the country can let a situation of manifest unkindness persist and cannot offer DS anything to persuade him to come back into a safe and happy environment.

I am livid that the experience seems to have scarred DS so deeply. He once said that the day he found he had been accepted to the school was the happiest of his life. We wished him every success but the house and the school has not been able to support him in a way which will let him thrive, and it seems as if he is adamant about leaving.

A change of house is apparently out of the question but noone can explain why.

DS has had a psychological assessment and has started a course of CBT and is also due an initial CAMHS assessment. He was started on a low dose of Prozac but this was halted as soon as he reported distressing ideations.

In my head I think the school ought to do much more to support and reintegrate him rather than letting him drift away.

Anyone with similar experiences?

If this was me and my son I'd say he has the rest of the academic year out and does some fun things and some work experience then start at a proper sixth form college in September and start A levels again.
Loads of people have a year out and he's just ahead of the pack for it.
My DS is interested in conservation and I am too so I'd do a load of volunteer stuff with him, we also both like hiking - maybe you have something similar? I find doing a thing together is a good way to talk.
I also wouldn't worry unduly about the change of school and plan, it will likely make him better prepared for university.

This.
Your teenager is on antidepressants because of the fancy school you chose to send him away to. And you’re thinking of sending him back? It blows my mind that someone can do that to their child. You’ve already caused him psychological damage (probably permanent) and you want to throw him back in??

Glad to see you're not sending him back. You can Home Educate until September. If you want enrol him with an online school, that's equally possible. Even though it's temporary you can join HEFA Home Education for All on Facebook and they will help you with what you need to know.
There is no legal obligation to take A-levels at 18 so if he needs longer to sort himself out after leaving boarding school and takes a break that's fine too.
I would be focusing on his mental health, if he wants to and If he's self directed enough you can also get hold of the materials he will need for his A-levels and he can keep studying at home till he goes back into school. Good Luck

Bullying, physical and sexual abuse is rife in British boarding schools (are you in the UK?) despite the prestigious reputation. I speak from family experiences!

Please don't send him back - and I'd actually recommend he goes to a day school for sixth form if you can and doesn't board.

Life is too short and precious to waste in a place like that. You need to back him up 💯 and don't let him set foot there again. Boarding school is hard enough without the bullying and nastiness and they have handled it terribly. If it's a year out then spend the money you would have spent on school fees letting him plan a travel adventure and getting some life experience. If he can join mid year even better.b

I have experience of this - although a girls’ day school and not boarding. The whole “not enough evidence” thing is such a smokescreen, especially as they’re not prepared to look for it! It’s just a way of trying to deny it in a “nothing to see here” sort of way. I took my DD out and am so glad we did; she’s like a different child. If your son wants to leave, please listen to him. Of course, have the conversation that “once you go, you can’t go back” and make sure it’s an informed choice. But if it is, you should absolutely respect it.

Please support your child. He has been let down significantly and no one in his life is taking this seriously. Bullying is horrific and tends to be a lot worse in boarding schools because there is no respite - at least with day schools, the child gets a break from it and some input from people who love him. He is on medication, he is attending mental health services - what action does he need to demonstrate for you to take this seriously?
Find him another school and support him before it’s too late.

I’ma bit torn here between wanting to offer you support and wanting to give you a very firm shake of the shoulders and say what the FUCK are you playing at.
I’ll go with the former. First of all, your poor son, who sounds wonderful. I’m glad you are able to listen to him and act to support and love him through this. It’s not his fault. It never is - some children just suffer terribly at these awful institutions (went to one myself…).
I make the assumption that you are wealthy. Why not look into virtual school for now - there are some incredible programmes with a global outlook and student body that he might find refreshing and less insular.
I would also really recommend some specialist trauma therapy rather than CBT to recover from this experience. Experiences like this can be sol very damaging and you only know the tip of the iceberg about what he has been through. Invest in his mental well being and the rest will follow.
and don’t give the school or it’s failings another thought. WRONG FOCUS.

Take him out of there. You'd be silly to even consider sending him back. He will do very well academically - and be a lot happier - at any local FE college.

'Best' schools unfortunately have plenty of nasty bullies.

@GrumpyBadger1 , I think the above comment needs highlighting.
Do find a specialist mental health professional, the best you can afford.

Very sorry your son is going through this, but very glad you're not sending him back.

Time to recover, do some sports/outdoor activities and go back to a local sixth form next year with a new outlook. Wishing him all the best.

I can’t believe you sent him back knowing he was being bullied. I’d have done a fresh start in September. However, you are where you are.
a year off, get some psychotherapy privately ASAP. This year he could get a job, volunteer, whilst getting well. Next year, enroll in a local college to start his A levels

Your child is now on medication and starting therapy and has either told the school he’s thinking about self harming, or he’s suicidal. And you want to send him back to the school? What the actual fuck is going through your head? And how shit does an 11yo’s home life have to be for them to be desperate to be sent to boarding school?

I have no idea why parents send their kids to boarding school anyway, but even less so why they'd send their child to a school where they're being relentlessly bullied. The child is being failed. Poor kid.

Am I missing something? He's been bullied at the same boarding school since he was 11yo, with increasing level of safety concerns and interventions until he got to A-levels when the school was so concerned about how miserable he is that they sent him home and you think the school has failed in its duty of care?

I don’t share your parental experience.
but I did do my A levels over three years for similar reasons.

the school will put it all on your sons mental health without acknowledging the cause of his MH decline

and that’s fucking awful.

Bring your son home.
let him have the rest of the year out of school- identify a hobby, language or future work based interest that you can help him get some deeper level experience in. He has a chance to heal from this unpleasant experience and also make some skills or experience that he wouldn’t have had if he had gone straight into a levels.
use it productively and it will be a positive break.

I say this on the presumption that removal from source of bullying etc will alleviate his MH issues swiftly.
if that doesn’t obviously your priority should be helping with MH through therapy.

listen to him and find a school that has strong a sixth form starting point and get him a place there.

your requirements for the school are different froM when you chose this one for your pre teen son.
choose one that fits his subject and outside school interests now.

Good luck.

My DH is 53 still dealing with boarding school issues, daily.

In his case it was a vile place and he wasn't moved or listened to.

I'm happy your DS will be heard and understood and you've avoided the damage, you sound like caring parents. Good luck

My DS was being bullied at a boarding school and I found the staff, teachers and head hopelessly ineffective. I immediately removed him and he absolutely loved where we sent him. A different boy. Do not delay and don't send him back - there are plenty of fantastic alternatives.

It really is very poor indeed that the school let this go on for six years without doing anything about it. It really isn't good enough to bleat that the master concerned couldn't find proof. If they had just moved your son to a different house at the beginning all these problems could have been avoided.

I completely agree that you need to concentrate on your son at this stage, but I would suggest you get copies of the school's bullying and discipline policies and begin asking questions about what exactly they did to implement them - particularly if the school says anything about wanting a term's notice for withdrawing your son.

The school is telling you that they cannot guarantee his safety. Instead of blaming them, you must listen to them. Would you rather they lied to you and pretended he was fine?

I went to boarding school and I am not anti them. They are brilliant when everything is going well but if you are feeling fragile they are not a suitable environment.

Have you tried private day schools near you?They might take someone mid year.

The school have failed yea and I would hope you don’t have to pay fees anymore

that said take this time for him to recover

I would blame them!
What school accepts it can't keep a child safe?

And keep my child home.

The happiest day of your child's life was the day he got in to a certain school!? And he's only 11!
That is so sad, has he not had a childhood? You know, where he goes out and has fun with his friends? My ds goes to a school near the bottom of the league table but is a straight A student. I'm a firm believer a child can do well at any school with the right support at home and the right attitude towards education.
At 11 he was out out all the time, playing hide and seek with his pals or out on their bikes going up the woods on adventures etc so sad so many kids get no chance of a fun childhood these days. And mine is only 16 so this was very recent.

This is what I can't get my head around. Yes the school have been careless and have failed him, but ultimately the child is the OPs responsibility. The child has been failed here, and not just by the school.

This poor boy has been suffering years and was still shipped back to boarding school and is now as a direct result suffering mentally. Pupils who were in this kind of setting who suffered (not the ones who enjoyed it) can have lifelong issues because of this. There's an example on this thread of a 50 something year old man.

Why have kids if you're just going to ship them away FFS.

The school are very clearly telling you that they don't want your son back. Listen to them. It is staggering that they 'can't keep him safe' - one would have thought that this was the very first thing any school and particularly a boarding school should do. I am actually staggered they even admitted to this. This is not a good school and you don't want your fragile son anywhere near it. In your position I would be absolutely furious with them... and the personal and financial cost to your family.

This seems lovely, wise advice to me (though I know nothing about boarding schools, it's a different world from mine). Peers are very important during the teenage years but when things get rough having the safety and validation of home is huge. I teach undergraduates at a university and those of them who are a year or two older than the others - apart from usually being a bit less likely to mess around! - are no different from the others. "Wasting" a year at this age, in terms of education, means absolutely nothing.