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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Do you judge mums who bottle feed?

419 replies

babybrian · 08/04/2010 11:40

I tried to breastfeed, for one reason and another I failed. I am about to start going to baby groups and have worked myself into a bit of a neurotic state.

Tell me, honestly , do you judge mums who bottle feed? My dd is only 8 weeks and I worry people will think I don't love her.

OP posts:
mistressploppy · 08/04/2010 11:43

I don't, nope. In my experience the most likely to judge are not parents themselves.

You might get the odd evangelical twit probing you as to why you're not breastfeeding, so maybe get your retort sorted in advance....

MerlinsBeard · 08/04/2010 11:43

Honestly - no.

But I do judge (to myself) mothers who don't even try to bf - doesn't affect how i treat them though.

EIther way yo are feeding your baby

Rhian82 · 08/04/2010 11:43

I wonder why they didn't - I know I shouldn't but can't help myself.

However I would never think someone loved their child less because of it, never. I have lots of friends who didn't breastfeed their kids, and in honesty they seem much more natural and devoted mums than me.

SuziKettles · 08/04/2010 11:46

No. Not for one second. It honestly never crosses my mind to bother one way or the other.

Lizzylou · 08/04/2010 11:48

Congrats on the birth of your DD

Truly, I don't judge other Mothers who FF, I BF both my boys but I wanted to, was lucky and I had some great help.

I have friends who have FF, friends who have BF, some have not managed to BF one baby and then gone onto BF the next successfully, others have not tried. They are all lovely and great mothers, with gorgeous DC.

Just enjoy your baby and stop worrying what others think.

Original poster
babybrian · 08/04/2010 11:49

I think I may have spent too long on here where opinions are very strong. I am sure I will feel better when I go out, but I actually feel ashamed of bottle feeding her in public! My dh thinks I'm ridiculous but he doesn't understand how guilty I feel

OP posts:
CrosswordGeek · 08/04/2010 11:49

Like above, I always wonder why people don't try, really doesn't make sense to me.

I don't judge people, though. As long as you feed your child, then all is good. Weirdly, I'm nervous to go to a baby group around here in case people judge me FOR breastfeeding. I live in a pretty breast unfriendly area...

Bucharest · 08/04/2010 11:49

I think, unlike MN where I think the majority of babies are breastfed, (or at least the impression seems to be that) at any Uk based real life social gathering including babies, the majority will be bottle fed because breastfed babies are still in a minority (IIRC) in the UK, no?

So there will be more of you! So you shouldn't feel intimidated.

I judge people I know who didn't even try because "it's disgusting" because "tits are for the lads" and the other myriad and bonkers reasons, yes. (I'd never open my trap and say anything though!) I wouldn't judge someone I didn't know, because I don't know their story.

Original poster
babybrian · 08/04/2010 11:50

Thank you - I will brave it. My dd is so lovely, this is the only ything that is upsetting me so am go8ing to just relax and enjoy her

OP posts:
farmerjones · 08/04/2010 11:51

no. i always feel that i should, as i really dont understand why you want to deny your child something that i feel is a human right. but, i just cant find it within myself to judge. they are taking care of their babies as best as they possibly can, and usually doing an exceleent job.
there is a lot more to being a parent, than breast/bottle issues.

CuppaTeaJanice · 08/04/2010 11:52

I felt more judged when I was mix feeding. I think people were trying to help, suggesting all these ways that I could increase milk supply, increase breastfeeding and go back to exclusively breastfeeding again. It was no help at all with a huge baby on nursing strike though.

When we finally went to just bottle feeding I don't remember being judged at all. People were sympathetic, but nobody made me feel like I'd failed.

If you go to the general baby groups, rather than the breastfeeding groups, you should be fine.

Shaz10 · 08/04/2010 11:54

I wonder if they had an horrific time breastfeeding as I did.

trellism · 08/04/2010 11:55

I usually feel a bit sorry for the mother and wonder what happened, then carry on with whatever was on my mind at the time.

tbh, I feel intimidated sometimes when I'm the only breastfeeding mother in my baby group because I think that they think that I'm judging them, if that makes any sense.

Morloth · 08/04/2010 12:04

I can honestly say that I just don't care. There are two children whose food intake I am interested in - all the others have their own parents to worry about it, I assume that they are all doing the best they can.

This is probably quite selfish, but certainly cuts down on any angst.

startagain · 08/04/2010 12:08

ah, I'm sure no-one will think you don't love her!
I would think there is a reason why they aren't breastfeeding, and would never think badly of them. Could be they didn't take to it, or simply didn't fancy it. Lots and lots of reasons.

wukter · 08/04/2010 12:08

No, definitely not. Wouldn't occur to me.

Original poster
babybrian · 08/04/2010 12:11

See, I wouldn't judge anyone either. But when I see threads where people have had abuse for breastfeeding I thought it might work the other way too. Am glad that most people seem to be likeminded. Will let dh know I am being daft

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 08/04/2010 12:11

Yes I do. Sorry but you did ask for honesty. But it's a fleeting judgement as in 'I wonder why she isn't breastfeeding' and then I feel sad because I know you will have probably tried and not got help and be feeling really shitty about it.

But then, I feel judged as a breastfeeder as I'm in the minority so I think we are all in the same boat here.

It is sad that we feel so competitive towards other parents though, everyone wants to do the best for their kids.

ben5 · 08/04/2010 12:16

i feel i don't judge mums who bottle feed there babies. i might be more of a judge more if the baby looked un loved, dirty and under feed.

sunshiney · 08/04/2010 12:17

i would think it's a pity not to breastfeed if you can but aren't doing so. i'd think who would ever choose powdered milk over breast milk for their child willingly.

i wouldn't think that person didn't love that child though.

i managed to bf for two years, but then i was lucky that i had things in place making it possible (like not going back to work, my first baby)

if you are working or it's subsequent babies it gets much more difficult naturally.

the physical problems of bf (sore nipples etc) are the smallest obstacle to it working out i think.

TheButterflyEffect · 08/04/2010 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whomovedmychocolate · 08/04/2010 12:32

mistressploppy - I've had the opposite experience - quite a few evangelical twits questioning why I was breastfeeding, on the grounds that FF is apparently, easier and more convenient. (yeah I often leave my tits at home when I got out with my baby)

The evangelical twit thing is not limited to feeding (cloth nappy anyone? )

AitchTwoZone · 08/04/2010 12:37

oh my wee love, it's awful when you try to bf and just can't, isn't it? happened to me twice, with all the support in the world i just couldn't crack it. i felt very judged etc but i realise now that it was me doing the judging, because i wanted to feed my child something i made, because it made sense that way. i really grieved over it, don't think it's unusual to feel bad, it really isn't. but you do get past it, and see that there's a lot more to being a mother than bfing.

as to the other mothers, i really don't think they do, unless they're real twats. i think any mum who is bfing knows that these things can go either way and that the support is pretty atrocious, so really wouldn't think of looking askance at someone who it didn't work out for. besides, the bottles could be full of expressed milk anyway...

YourCallIsImportant · 08/04/2010 12:44

With strangers I do have a fleeting feeling of 'i wonder why she's not BF' but no more than that. What did make me a bit judgy was my intelligent SAHM friend saying ' it just wasn't for her'.

BikeRunSki · 08/04/2010 12:46

BabyBrian, I was in exactly your situation 18 months ago. I didn't BF my DS, although stubbornly tried for ages until he was moved to SCBU through dehyration and assoicated conditions. I was offered loads of BF support, and it was actually a BF counsellor who helped me come to terms with FFing.

I went to baby groups, I fed him in public. I won't say nobody judged, but it was only commented on twice, and never by people at baby groups. Once was by a complete a lady on the till in Boots who refused to sell me formula! But as Aitch siad, you do get over it.

Go to baby grouops, go out, meet people, enjoy your baby, enjoy your maternity leave, have fun .

When DS was a few weeks old, my NCT leader said to me that you nurture your baby in so many ways, and BF is only one tiny one...

SO I couldn't BF, and had an Em CS rather than my planned water birth, but we did great with BLW and are masters of cloth nappies!