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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

any other women who don't want or didn't want to breastfeed?

202 replies

Ema76 · 19/11/2008 13:58

feel like I am the only one in the world but really do not want to breastfeed. does anyone else out there feel the same? know lots of women who don't breastfeed because they couldn't and some that gave up very early on but no one who simply feel strongly that it wasn't for them and made the decision before the baby was born.just be nice to hear from someone who feels the same and did not breastfeed because of that. thank you

OP posts:
BabiesEverywhere · 22/11/2008 22:54

"she will be having surgery not giving birth"

Sadly I believe this, I failed to give birth twice. Both times my babies were removed from me in a surgical room. I can not believe that what I experienced was normal and I breastfed despite this.

But I don't think the OP's choice to bring her child into the world the way she chooses, is relevent to her choice to feed her child.

BabiesEverywhere · 22/11/2008 22:55

But I don't think the OP's choice to bring her child into the world the way she chooses, is relevent to her choice of how she will feed her child.

Lawrene8 · 22/11/2008 23:02

Ema, I felt exactly the same. I didn't want to do it and so I didn't. DS is perfectly fine and my mws made no attempt to chnage my mind at all. Good Luck.

Dottoressa · 22/11/2008 23:02

Your baby and his/her body will be "expecting and biologically ready for your breastmilk alone. Taking it away will mean you will be denying your baby's birthright."

I think Ema - especially if she is vulnerable in ways that I know nothing about - can probably do without this kind of 'help'!

Ema - I hope are strong enough to ignore this kind of thing.

MilaMae · 22/11/2008 23:07

Sorry Babieseverywhere that your experience was like that.

I felt very much involved during the birth of my dc, I couldn't wait to see them after 7 years and it all felt very right. I couldn't have coped with what my mother went through having been on an emotional rollercoaster for years. All I wanted was to leave with 3 living babies I couldn't cope with any risk to them what so ever, I'd had enough.

Many women who have vaginal births have negative experiences,many women who have c/sections have positive experiences like me.

Everybody is different and knows what feels right for them. A c/section wasn't right for you,for me it was and they were very special.

chipmonkey · 22/11/2008 23:09

BabiesEverywhere, do you have babies? That grew in your tummy? Well, unless they are still in there you have given birth! As I have, 4 times, my sons were born, we have birth certs! it may not have been the customary mode of exit and was not the one I would have chosen but we are these babies' mothers and don't ever feel that you have failed! have read a lot of your posts and you are a great Mum!

CoolYourJets · 22/11/2008 23:10

Ema - how is a bikini wax ok but birth not?

I was touched more often having a wax than when giving birth.

MilaMae · 22/11/2008 23:11

Well put Chipmonkey!!!!

BabiesEverywhere · 22/11/2008 23:12

Thanks chipmonkey, that is a very kind, thoughtful post

monkeymonkeymonkey · 22/11/2008 23:16

"she will be having surgery not giving birth"

I agree with this too. I've had 2 sections. It wasnt giving birth. It was necessary, and I got healthy babies as a result, but as a method of delivering the baby it isnt one I would choose over being able to do it naturally.

Anyway, sorry for going a bit off-topic.....

Dottoressa · 22/11/2008 23:18

Babieseverywhere - you did not fail to give birth!!

I had them both ways, and (apart from the c-section being a whole lot less traumatic and physically damaging - which is why I had to have it...) consider them to be just the same. It's just a different exit!

LentilMoussaka · 22/11/2008 23:21

Ema it's totally your body and your decision but I chose a homebirth as I was really uncomfortable about waving my bits about in a hospital (which, to me, feels like a very public place). I could keep the lights dim and have total control over who was present with minimal examinations and inteference.

From the descriptions of CSs they do sound like far more intrusive events.

Really so long as you're happy with your choices it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - the only thing is you don't sound all that happy...

Squitten · 23/11/2008 09:39

Ema - do what you want to do.

My son was breech so I chose to have a section, couldn't BF so FF and I have such a happy, smiling baby who is putting on weight like a trooper and is very content indeed.

Yes, breastmilk is preferable but so is having a mum who is happy and able to cope with the baby. I agree that it sounds as though you have some issues over your body image and you would do well to address those some point soon but it's not necessarily the best time to start a massive psychological overhaul right now!!

Don't let anyone make you feel bad - as the nurse in the hospital said to me: do what you need to do - you are the one who has to live with your child

GreenMonkies · 23/11/2008 10:23

MM you may think your babies were ready to be born etc, but the scientific fact is that when a baby is ready to be born they release certain hormones which trigger labour. As such, the baby and the mother undergo endocrinological changes during labour and birth, when babies are born by elective c-section a couple of weeks before thier due date these hormones changes simply do not occur. Feel free to argue this point if you want but I think you'll find it's true.

As such, an elective section does not flood you with endorphins the way labour does (this is not true of c-sections which happen after labour has started obviously), and my comment, when taken in context, is relevant. However, when you take it out of context like this it sounds judgey and nasty, which is what you wanted to do, as it's what you do with almost every thing I post when you can.

I didn't say that mums who had c-sections were not proper mums, or failed in any way, I have spoken to several mums who dismissed thier c-section births as "the easy way" and felt like they were somehow "less" because they didn't push thier babies out, and reminded them that a c-section is not the easy way out, the recovery is not easy and to care for newborns after such major surgery is far from easy. BabiesEverywhere, you did not fail, Chipmonkey puts it beautifully, so I'll not try to put it any better.

As for my comments about slings and breastfeeding twins, I don't make these statments based on flights of fancy from my own imagination, I know a twin-mum who carried her babies in slings and breastfed them until they self-weaned aged 3, and a quick google search will find others too, so it's not impossible to do either.

The reason Ema's chosen method of delivering her baby is relevant in this thread is because as with her desire/choice not to breastfeed, she is putting her own feelings ahead of the needs and best interests of her baby. There is a huge difference between having a section because there is a clinical reason to or not bf because you are on medication or whatever, and choosing to do these things because you have issues. All the way through this thread I have encouraged Ema to seek help for her issues and take the next few months to make peace with herself so that she can be the best mother she can and feel no regret in the future.

However, there are lots of people who just want to make me out to be an unsympathetic militant bitch with some kind of post-modern hippy agenda. I guess these people have unresolved issues too. I have done my time in therapy, come to terms with my body issues and other problems, and whilst I am not a perfect mum by any means I know I do what is best for my children even if it is not the easiest or nicest thing for me. As such I feel no need to defend myself against SAHM's who infer that nursery is baby-borstal or whatever. I simpley wish people would read these messages in the spirit they are posted, and stop making assumptions and launching personal attacks motivated by thier own feelings of guilt, failure and inadequacy.

ilovemydog · 23/11/2008 10:28

Didn't know that with elective c-sections...

Do the hormones catch up? I was going to say, 'breast feeding hormones' but obviously know there isn't such a thing....

TheGreatScootini · 23/11/2008 10:34

I BF'd DD1.I found it very painful and my milk was not good quality.DD lost lots of weight and it got to the point where I dreaded feeding her.I felt under hug pressure to carry on until a very kind Heaklth visitor pointed out it was doing neither of us any good.On bottles both she and I thrived.
When I had DD2 16 months later I decided in advance not to BF, Both as a result of my previous experience and becuase I didnt like my chances of DD1 sitting quietly whilst I fed her sister.So I didnt.I was quite horrifed by the way people reacted to my decision, (both on here and in RL)People were quite condemnatory at times or else said, 'how sad for you' as if it were some terrbile thing..I dont feel like it was.It was the best decision for me and mine.

I know breast is best..but not if it drives the Mother mental like it did with me.And formula isnt the poison its sometimes touted as.Most of mky generation were formula fed I think as that was the done thing then and I dont think its done us that much harm.Actually BF's DD1 is a much more sicly child than FF's DD2 as it goes.
Each to their own.Of course people shouldnt be stopped from BFing and provisions should be made to help people do it.But there should also be less pressure on and condemnation of people who choose not to do it.

tiktok · 23/11/2008 11:54

TheGreatScootini - when women have a very disappointing/painful experience breastfeeding baby no. 1, they are, like you, more likely to ff subsequent babies, according to research and there's not much surprising about that..not only do they have bad memories of the first time, they already have another small person to care for at the same time.

That's one of the reasons why good information, practical skills and social support for bf is best targetted at first-time mothers as their experience effects their choices next time.

You were told your milk was poor quality - big black mark against whoever told you that. Breastmilk quality is pretty uniform, no matter who or where the mother is,and quality issues with breastmilk just do not exist. There is sound evidence for this.

Equally, painful breastfeeding can almost always be resolved or alleviated with good help (I know this is in short supply in many areas )

It is dreadful if mothers experience pressure to continue breastfeeding when they are having a miserable time and the baby is not thriving - what they need is not pressure but help to fix the breastfeeding! When help is replaced with empty pressure and exhortations to persevere, no wonder mothers give up....

greenlawn · 23/11/2008 11:57

Ilovemydog, I don't know the answer to that - I can only say that I had an elective cs at 35 weeks (certainly not through any choice of mine I should add, the circumstances were exceptional), and ds1 was clearly unready to be born - I had a terrible time feeding him, but somehow we scraped through and I ended up feeding him for a year. Ds2 was a vb and a wonderful feeder right from the start. Ds3 was an emergency cs (I was already in labour though) and again a fabulous feeder.

Who knows - I personally believe that my experience with ds2 and ds3 suggests being in labour makes bf easier even if you ultimately have a cs - but then in fairness ds1 was also underweight and my first.

LeonieD · 23/11/2008 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ema76 · 23/11/2008 13:29

I feel quite annoyed that just because my thoughts and feelings do not fit in with some that i need help! I do not feel that I need help.
I am going to strive to be the best mother I can be by being there for my baby - having well over a year off from work and then not working full time. some mums mights well have a natural labour, b/f and then go back to work full time after 6 months - i am certainly not cricitising but it amazes me how what i choose affects others and their feelings so much. i personally would never place my child in the hands of a stranger (private creche etc) but would never dream of critising someone who for whatever reason does.
Many thanks for all messages and in particular those that are well rounded - you know who you are i am sure.
I realise everyone has different opinions and i respect them but just because i think differently does not make me a 'basket case'. it just means i think differently to someone else, and i am not the only one to think as i do. tolerance is what is needed above all else.
i will keep an open mind to b/f but stress i do not believe that it is going to be for me and that is because i know myself so well.

with regard to the bikini wax one of my friends of old will do the job - i won't like it but better to do that than an nhs razor - less of the 2 evils. i won't be able to see myself - i predict anyway.

OP posts:
Ema76 · 23/11/2008 13:29

oh and i do class a c-section as giving birth it is just via a different means.

OP posts:
monkeymonkeymonkey · 23/11/2008 13:38

greenlawn

I agree with you. My 3rd baby was an elective section, and born at 39 weeks. She just wasnt ready. My previous 2 had been born at 41+ weeks, and looked like newborns should. The one born at 39 weeks was very thin, red tinged skin, and so small. It was very hard to BF her successfully. She had a small mouth, and positioning her was tricky. Despite the fact I'd fed twice before there were times I was crying with the pain. If she had been my first baby I dont know if I would have managed to carry on feeding. I think in retrospect an extra 2 weeks inside would have made all the difference (there were reasons for delivering her when she was, so leaving her longer wouldnt have been an option anyway).

Highlander · 23/11/2008 17:18

I had 2CSs - couldn't be arsed with a VB. Mayber didn't have the post-natal endorphins, really didn't care. Bonded well with the DSs, both BF easily. DS1 until 18mo and DS2 until 25mo.

As a BFer, I do have a neagative knee-jerk reaction to women who will not even try BFing. But, having been on the rexceiving end of some pretty foul abuse becasue I was too posh to push, I feel I have to have a more 'let it be' attitude.............

MilaMae · 23/11/2008 19:55

Greenmonkies my babies were ready to be born my twins had run out of space, all 3 had fluid levels that gave concern and all 3 were breech. I gave birth to 3 healthy, alive babies. I really couldn't give 2 hoots about hormone changes. All 4 of us were ready.You're a parent a lot longer than the seconds it takes to give birth so why on earth worry about such a trivial thing.

I have never,ever felt a failure or inadequate-why on earth would I?Against all the odds and years of horrendous fertility treatment I became a mum to 3 gorgeous bright beautiful children and I'm doing a pretty fine job of raising them.
This means an awful lot more to me than how they came into being.

I think it's high time you realised that just because many people disagree with your views it doesn't make them have issues. Personally I think you clearly have issues over some area of your parenting as you seem to obsess constantly about the areas you feel you excel in ie giving birth,sling wearing and breast feeding(I rarely see you post about anything else) and insist that those who don't follow suit are somehow not doing it right. No-we just choose to parent differently.

Also I raised the point about your use of nurseries simply to illustrate the point that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, not to infer they are "baby borstal".

Ema good luck- being a mum is an amazing journey. Trying to be the best mum you can is what I strive to do too. Sure many things don't work out the way I planned but I'm growing as a mother with my dc and it's lovely. After a while you learn not to sweat the small stuff and just look at the bigger picture ie raising happy confident kids who turn into happy confident adults. How you give birth,feed and conceive them really pales into insignificance when you focus on that

chequersandchess · 23/11/2008 20:24

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn here but MilaMae you seem to have some rather deep-seated issues with greenmonkies as a poster in general and other comments she's made in the past.

I hope you don't mind me saying that I feel it would be polite of you to keep them off this thread.