In a similar way to Rhubarb I too felt utter revulsion at the thought of breastfeeding. I'm sure it was in the main due to the culture of how I had been briught up. My Mum convinced me that breastfeeding was something I didn't want to do and in fact that I wouldn't be able to do.
I used to have nightmares during my pregnancy about breastfeeding and how awful it was to have this thing sucking on my breasts. I have never really liked them being touched anyway.
Coupled with health professionjals who were only interested in telling me what I MUST do and the lack of one to one midwife care and a situation where I could talk about my fears it was a no starter really. I did waver at one poijnt, but was put off in hospital.
However about 6 weeks after my dd was born I really began to feel differently. My milk was dripping from me and I began to see my body differently. I suffered from PND partly due to the immense sense of regret that I hadn't even tried to breastfeed. I now longed to know what it felt like to nurture my baby this way. It was a big factor in me deciding to have a second child.
This time I sought help and counselling. I actually sat on a chatroom of another parenting site talking through my fears with a trainee bfc. I still had this inner revuslsion and fear I couldn't do it but when it came to it and ds was born I began to see that breastfeeding was not this disgusting, unatural act, but something that was SO right.
It took me a LONG time to get over the fact that I didn't breastfeed dd, but it did take understanding from health professionals that enabled me to breastfeed ds. I never in a million years thought that I could breastfeed in oublic, but you know what, it was fine, I did it anywhere and in front of anyone and I would NEVR EVER EVER expose my body to anyone.