any other women who don't want or didn't want to breastfeed?

[Ema76]

feel like I am the only one in the world but really do not want to breastfeed. does anyone else out there feel the same? know lots of women who don't breastfeed because they couldn't and some that gave up very early on but no one who simply feel strongly that it wasn't for them and made the decision before the baby was born.just be nice to hear from someone who feels the same and did not breastfeed because of that. thank you

Ema, I hope you can take on board what Greenmonkies has said. It may not be what you want to hear but it's the best advice I have seen. Good luck, I hope you work it out.

I want to echo all the posts saying give it a go, and that for your own sake, you need to get some help with your body issues, because it's clearly stopping you doing all sorts of things. And sometimes (well, often!), when you have children, you put what you want to one side because their needs are more important, as GM's said. Your feeling of "can't" is already impacting on your baby - is there any chance you'd be able to explore why that is with a counsellor before the baby's here? It would be very worth it, for your own health as much as the baby's.

But also, on a very shallow level, I am fascinated - how will you be about having a bikini wax before the birth?

Also, before you have your first baby, your only relationship has been one of "child" to that of "parent" - when you have children and you have to be the parent, it's amazing what you can suck up, personal discomfort-wise.

Great post GreenMonkies

Ema, you should do what makes you feel comfortable. I understand greenmonkie's post that the focus should be what the baby needs but greenmonkies, if Ema is unhappy herself then the baby won't be either. So in that respect Ema should take care of herself so she can take care of the baby.

A person isn't any less of a good mum if she doesn't breastfeed, or wants a CS, or doesn't want a catheter. I'm sure there are plenty of crap mums out there who do breastfeed, have a VB and are ok about exposing their bodies. If there is anything Ema wants to explore about her feelings then it's best handled by professionals at a time that is comfortable and convenient, rather than in snippets of the psycho-babble from some of the posters here which could do more harm than good. It just shows up the amateurs who think they know it all TBH.

I agree with those posters who have said what worked for them, which is fine as it is a fact and they are experts on their own experience, and have advised Ema to perhaps keep an open mind (but not to feel like she should change her decision if she doesn't want to).

When I was expecting DD1 I was determined not to BF, thought it was disgusting etc and everyone was pressing me to do it and the more they did especially the MW's the more determined I was not to BF. When she was born I insisted she be given SMA which the MW's had to agree to then continued bottle feeding until she went onto cows milk. Later on I felt pangs of guilt that I didn't BF so that when DD2 was born I said I would feed the colostrum then do bottles. Brought her home and made up the bottles then realised I had this urge to try to BF and I did and thought it great and even felt a closer bond somehow. She gave up BF at 9 months and I wished it had lasted much longer. TTC No3 now and can't wait to try it again.

Am waffling now but hope you make the right decision.

LLLL, I don't see it as amateur psychobabble - more concerned posters suggesting that this strength of feeling is not usual and can be helped by professionals. Nobody's told Ema that she must go and seek help NOW this instant, more that to have a full and happy relationship with herself, it might be an idea to think about doing it at some point in the future.

As for doing whatever makes her happy - by having all these hang-ups, she's limiting her ability to be happy - choosing the lesser of two evils (ie a c-section where there will still be elements of embarrassment and unknown personal discomfort) isn't making a happy choice.

I have to say I think some of the posts on here are awful.

I do agree that Ema may have some psychological issues which she needs to deal with, but in her own time. I remember making the same comments on your birth thread Ema and was pleased you got the outcome you wanted.

I really hope you feel ready to tackle these issues before you give birth to your baby, just incase not breastfeeding becomes something you regret, I've felt that feeling and it's not nice, but neither is being told you're not giving birth!

Greenmonkies, I'm sorry, but your posts seem to get more and more militant every time I read them! This is her baby and what her baby needs more than breastmilk is it's mother to be in a good place in her head!

I honestly believe that the best thing would be for every baby in the world to be breastfed but cannot comprehend how you could speak to someone so obviously utterly convinced that she cannot breastfeed her child.

I hope/think (?) your heart is in the right place, for the baby but the mother is a human too, with very real needs and feelings sometimes a little tact can go a long way.

Good Luck Ema.

hunkermonker your opinion is different to mine, which is fine. Mine is that some (not most by any means, but a significant few) posts are amateur psychobabble aside of the suggestions to seek professional help - that is not what I am referring to by amateur psychobabble. I'm not going to pick a fight by naming posts/posters though as that's not necessary.

Like you say this can (or may) be helped by professionals, which is fine, if Ema should feel the need to want to explore her feelings in this manner.

It is those posts which go further than that and are patronising or inappropriately intrusive.

I second VictorianSqualor's 19:45 post. Well said.

Littlelady - I think you're right. The poor OP appears to have moved on from not liking the idea of bf (which is not as weird as some may find it) to being in need of psychological counselling. Does not wanting to bf really make you a basket-case?

Maybe there are issues that I know nothing about - but Littlelady hits the nail bang on the head ("there are plenty of crap mums out there who do breastfeed, have a VB and are ok about exposing their bodies.)

Ema: your baby will be fine regardless of how you feed him/her!

And Hunkermunker - what's all that about bikini waxing pre-birth??! [mystified]

ema has a post about waxing legs etc before cs.

its got to be better than a nurse shaving you but i think they don't allow nail varnish in case you have to have a GA, so buffed not painted.

i really admire you ema for talking about this and your previous thread. i had a cs and have bf but i still have a lot of complicated feelings about it all. i don't think it is really possible to prepare for motherhood and all i can say is that it can be very liberating to have to put someone else first.

Ema, Not sure if you remember my posts on your birth thread but I had unwanted CS's every time. The latest time I used johnsons holiday skin and made sure I was 'neat' downstairs beforehand for the pictures so do all yu can to make yourself feel better but please be aware a CS can cause as much pain (emotionally) as a VB and vice versa.
If you want to know anything about CS's just email me (fan-fkn-tastic @hotmail .co.uk no spaces), plus I can pass your email to a friend who felt the same wrt breastfeeding as you (FF first 2 children, then BF -though was very unsure- her third)

VS, I am suggesting she does get herself in a good place, both for herself and for her baby. I am not being militant, I am being honest, the people saying "Happy Mummy = Happy Baby" (it doesn't matter of you don't bf etc) are being economical with the truth. I know it is not "PC" to tell people the unpalatable truth, but the truth is still the truth, even if it is not what you want to hear. Breastfeeding is important, it does matter, for all kinds of reasons, and I know, from speaking to lots of mothers who didn't breastfeed that many of them still have lingering feelings of regret and guilt, some of them when thier "babies" are 40+ years old. Ema has lots of problems already, better to take this opportunity to deal with some of these issues so that she feels able to at least try breastfeeding (I know there is no point discussing her refusal to try to give birth naturally) rather than allow her (by blowing sunshine at her about how it doesn't matter etc) to possibley give herself one more thing to feel bad and rubbish about and so carry yet more baggage.

VS, if you actually read what I have written you will see that it is supportive and constructive. I think that you have decided that I am a Militant bf'er and now you see it in every thing I write, even if it is not there.

I haven't said happy mum=happy baby, I hate that phrase, especially for those of us that have had PND.

I totally agree with you on so much, but I just think you went on about the whole 'what the baby needs stuff too much, sometimes you run the risk of being too enthusiastic wrt breastfeeding which is a great thing but not helpful to mothers in Ema's situation.

A baby being fed formula is put at risk in comparison to a breastfed baby (not as much as in other countries, but still at risk, and I'll happily tell anyone the risks) yes, but it's all relative surely? and if Ema knows the risks and is happy to take them although we may feel different it's her choice, I only hope Ema doesn't feel pressured and because of this totally dismiss breastfeeding forever.

"Ema has lots of problems already"

"give herself one more thing to feel bad and rubbish about"

"carry yet more baggage"

Flepping heck. What would you say if you were actively judging her, Greenmonkies? hunkermonker - no amateur psychobabble on here, no, none at all

LLL Thats not judging, its honesty. Doesn't anybody read these threads or does everyone just skim and then add thier own agenda and reply to what they think they have read? You'd have to be blind and daft to not see that Ema has serious issues and is carrying huge amounts of baggage, would you rather I pretended that her feelings are totally normal and suggested she simpley ignore those who say it matters and just do what ever makes her happy?

(VS I know you didn't say Happy Mummy etc, no one actually has, but that is what saying "it doesn't matter, if you do't feel you can then don't worry about it" effectively is, isn't it?)

GM You are highly likely not qualified to make those sort of statements. Honestly the more I read the more dismayed I am at your complete lack of sense TBH. If as you say the OP has "serious issues" and is carring "huge amounts of baggage" then why on earth aren't you excersising some caution and treading more gently?

Have an opinion on BF, fair enough. But it's dangerous ground to start labelling someone in such a negative manner on the basis of a few posts. How do you know the person you are labelling so openly and negatively isn't vulnerable. How do you know your comments won't hurt or have a lasting effect. How can you definitely say what feelings are "totally normal".

Trained professionals would take months if not years gently steering people to their own conclusions. Leave it to them.

LLL have you read Ema's other thread, about childbirth? Am I the only person here who has said that Ema has issues? Have you singled out any of these other people? Or is it just because I am "one of the bf'ers" that makes you so negative towards me?

I am not making conclusions, I am suggesting that she gets some help to resolve the body issues etc that she has. Do you really think she doesn't have body issues that need addressing? Do you think it would be more constructive to not suggest she seek help??

Ema, keep an open mind! Having a baby is amazing! Not quite the same thing as bfing but before I had ds1 I was adamant that I was going back to work and going to "have it all" and would skip back to work with no guilt whatsoever. Cue me, 2 days after ds1 was born, bawling my eyes out in the hospital at the very idea of leaving him with anyone! It had to be a biological thing because it was so far removed from my career-woman ideal! I did go back to work through financial necessity but it was with a heavy heart!
So don't assume you will feel the same about anything. Ever again!

GM I couldn't give a flying GM about your view on BF. Don't be so precious.

How do you know I'm not one of the b'fers... your views on BF are so not the farkin point...

I don't wish to comment on whether I think the OP has body issues or not because I'm not qualified - neither are you - and if anyone on here WAS they'd be too professional to say without OP being their client and even THEN they wouldn't because it would contradict client confidentiality and also because it is DAMAGING to label people....

You must be missing the point(s) on purpose.

I give up. You simply cannot see what you are doing.

Ema76 - as a midwife can I reassure you that you will not be 'pressurised' by midwives to breastfeed.

You will be given information about breastfeeding so that you can make an informed choice. A very good friend of mine told me that she read all about the benefits and knows that breastmilk is the ideal food for babies, but there was no way she was going to do it.

Now I admire her for her honesty. She did not object to getting the information as it cannot be assumed that you know all the health benefits for yourself and the baby.

But you are entitled to say that you do not want to breastfeed. Write it in your birthplan if you have one.

There are a couple of things you do need to be aware of. It is extremely likely that you will produce milk even though you do not plan to breastfeed - it is nature's response to trigger milk production after the birth of a baby. Wearing a firm bra and taking paracetamol and/or brufen will help with the dicomfort.

It is recommended that you should have a catheter at CS to prevent damage to your bladder during the operation and also afterwards when the effects of the spinal anaesthetic remove your feeling of needing to pass urine. Your bladder can get overdistended which can cause continence problems. A catheter is usually needed until you are fully mobile and sensation has returned.

Good luck

LLL, I notice that you have appeared very late in the thread and have made some nasty stuff about the things I have said.

You have no idea what I am or am not qualified or experienced in. I do know what I am saying/doing, you are just being stroppy. Get over yourself. I am not the only one who has said Ema needs to get her issues dealt with, read the whole thread, her reaction to bf and milk production is not "normal" or mild. Stop telling me off and start being constructive.

Hi Ema,

You are in charge of your body - they are your breasts and you have the absolute right over what you do with them or not.

However, it isn't a simple choice between formula or breastmilk. The two substances are utterly, utterly different. You cannot choose between them as if there are equal 'choices'.

Your baby and his/her body will be expecting and biologically ready for your breastmilk alone. Taking it away will mean you will be denying your baby's birthright.

So, your choice is between your body and your baby's.

No one said it was easy.

Take care! xxx

Greenmonkies I find your comments about c/sections insulting-"she will be having surgery not giving birth".

I had gave birth twice by elective c/sections I take it you haven't. Bothtimes( in particular the 2nd) they were the most amazing wonderful experiences I've ever had. I bought 3 lives into the world and gave birth as much as any other woman and they were all more than ready to be born thanks very much.

My mother and I nearly died when I was born and after years of fertility treatment and 3 breech babies the way I gave birth was perfect and the only way I would ever have chosen.

When a woman becomes a mother it is extremely important that she does think of herself,who says we have have to sacrifice ourselves at the alter of motherhood. When you become a mother you don't cease to be a person with needs.

I know many women who have never wanted to breastfeed and many who did like me but hated it. I get sick and tired of reading your countless posts that try and bully people into your way of mothering. From a non twin mother I'll never forget your very useful posts on slingwearing and breast feeding for twin mothers.

I think your original post to the op was very unpleasant and think it's hightime you excepted that one size does not fit all and mothers give birth,feed and parent however they want to not the Greenmonkies way. You've mentioned before that your children were in nursery from a very young age how would you like it if a SAHM like myself tried to criticize your choices?