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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

ive just had a massive dressing down, for not bf in private, my cheeks are still burning

198 replies

tearymummy · 29/04/2008 11:53

was at a cafe in town, this am, having a drink and stopping to feed dd
was sitting there quitely on my own with dd

three people at the table next to me started glaring over shaking there heads at me and talking about me loudly on purpose.
saying why don't some people realise there's a time and a place for everything and tutting, i could feel myself going relly red, but i was already half way though feeding dd.
i was too ashamed to say anything back.
then they got up to leave, i thought thankgoodness, but one of them came right over to me and said do you think people want to see you do that? i just wanted the ground to swollow me up, i felt so small i couldn't think of ANYTHING to say back, just sat there like some kind of dumb goldfish
she then said theres a time and a place for everything and bf is a private thing between a mother and a baby.
i feel all tearful now and like shit and even worse feel annoyed with myself for not even saying anything back

what could i have said, that would be a bit more intelligent than fuck off

im thinking bout ff dd when out now. but i just want the best for her
if i can't stick up for myself, i don't know what to say to people like that.

OP posts:
Poohbah · 29/04/2008 15:44

Tearymummy - These people were just bullies. They know a new mother is likely to be vunerable and decided to say something because they could get away with it.

I think saying "It's the Normal way to feed a baby!!!!" and if they carry on say "Breasts are normal, feeding a baby with breasts is normal"

"It's Normal, everyone does it"

If they say "not everyone does it" say "well maybe those mums are on antidepressants or HIV and can't but it is a normal thing to do if you can, feed your baby, with your breasts"

Saying that it's normal implies that they are abnormal and saying that everyone does it implies that they are out of tune with the other people. They can't then come out of the exchange winning.

Don't let this put you off, I have fed everywhere and never had a comment and I go brightred too.

whomovedmychocolate · 29/04/2008 15:54

Tearymummy - don't feel bad because they were ignorant, rude and stupid.

Luckily such people are few and far between these days and thank goodness for that - because I'd have sincerely walloped a lot of folk in the last 18 months if not.

Don't let them put you off. You are doing a brilliant thing by breastfeeding.

StarlightMcKenzie · 29/04/2008 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

berolina · 29/04/2008 15:58

oh teary I am incandescent for you. How very dare they.

Have as yet only read the OP but have to post that first of all.

Please don't let these not only ignorant, but also extremely crass and rude people put you off bf in public.

Will read rest of thread now

sfxmum · 29/04/2008 15:59

just what nerve!

I would have thought the time is when the baby needs to feed and the place is wherever the mummy is

FFS!

theUrbanNixie · 29/04/2008 16:00

Tearymummy - i used to live in Northampton and had negative comments while bf-ing in the Grosvenor Centre!! the manager soon backtracked when i politely told him that if he continued to harass me i would call police!!

i don't live too far away now, and my ds doesn't feed much in the day but i would happily come and sit with you if you wanted to go back to this cafe again. i can also introduce you to the Baby Cafe, which is held on Friday mornings. not that you need an introduction to go, you just turn up, but it's much easier with someone else there!!

it won't let me CAT you, but feel free to email me at [email protected]

thinking of you xx

AbbeyA · 29/04/2008 16:06

How dreadful-I am so sorry. I think that it is very unfair because you feel very vulnerable at the time and too tearful to fight back. If I am around when someone makes such negative comments to a bf mother I will fight back for her! It would be interesting to see their reaction if the baby bawled for the entire time-I daresay that would be wrong too! Don't let it put you off.

diplodocus · 29/04/2008 16:10

I'm so sorry you're had this horrible experience. It would have really upset me, too. However, I would like to reiterate what others have said, and such rude and unpleasant people are very much a tiny minority. I was feeding in a cafe the other day and an elderly woman said to me "what a beautiful sight - you with your lovely baby!". While her heart and mind are definately in the right place, I did wonder a bit about her eyesight, as while DD is indeed gorgeous, unfortunately I'm no oil painting and neither are my norks!

berolina · 29/04/2008 16:10

Some good retorts here from people! I really do like the credit card idea.

SmugColditz · 29/04/2008 16:13

"There is indeed a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for your face is midnight at the docks, love"

claireybee · 29/04/2008 16:15

That is awful, poor you. I think I'd have had the same reaction as you tbh and only moved on to anger afterwards. |Don't let it put you off, those people were idiots.

mistlethrush · 29/04/2008 17:15

I'd take tUN up on her offer and go back to the same cafe the same time next week - a bit of mutual support would help I'm sure - at least there are 2 of you to try to come up with an appropriate comment, and you wouldn't feel on your own or 'peculiar' for bf even if tUN isn't feeding. (I couldn't feed ds in public after about 16wks unless we found a very quiet location as everything else was more interesting and he would try to feed and look at things at the same time - lots of and from me, particularly when he took to pushing my shirt up as well )(still fed him to 22mo though, in gradually reduced numbers of feeds)

moondog · 29/04/2008 17:45

Fucking bastards.
Very angry on your behalf teary.
I so wish I had been with you.
I would have beaten them about their persons with a rice flail, snapped off all their fingers and booted them each up the arse.

For starters.

moondog · 29/04/2008 17:45

Fucking bastards.
Very angry on your behalf teary.
I so wish I had been with you.
I would have beaten them about their persons with a rice flail, snapped off all their fingers and booted them each up the arse.

For starters.

pinkyminky · 29/04/2008 18:18

Outrageous. What despicable behaviour. What makes people think they have the right to tell someone where and how to feed their child. I'm sorry you felt ashamed. I would suggest that it is she who should be ashamed.
I think flight has the right idea- you don't want a debate with someone so socially challenged, you just want them to think the have no impact on you, and for them leave you alone.

Caz10 · 29/04/2008 19:26

am for you tearymummy, and i know exactly what you mean, even though i feel strongly about bf-ing i wouldn't have been able to say anything back to those people either.

re the ff-ing - i was bfing dd in M&S cafe one day, and behind me a girl was ff-ing a little baby about the same age (6wks). Another woman passed by us both and said in a really loud voice "how NICE to see a baby being BREASTFED" with a pointed look to the mum with the bottle...I was so angry, and wanted to say something to her but didn't know what so just kept my head down...

Habbibu · 29/04/2008 19:58

So sorry tearymummy. It's hard to respond at all when people are so rude. I'd love to think I'd say something smart, but the chances are I'd just gape at them blankly - and I'm pretty confident! Please don't let it put you of breastfeeding in public - I've never had so much as an odd glance, so you just had terrible bad luck. These people probably think it's ok to point and stare at disabled people too.

Lyra75 · 29/04/2008 20:13

Bastardy bastardy bastards . So sorry this happened. I hope you take heart from all the messages of support. These nasty small minded people really do seem to be in the minority. I've been feeding DS for 9 months and haven't had any negative comments. I hope you're able to get back out breastfeeding wherever you and your wee one want.

lackaDAISYcal · 29/04/2008 20:15

nothing to add to the already very expressive comments (lol moondog, you are so incensed you had to say it twice ), but just wanted to add my support.

In 10 mnths I've only ever had one hard stare, but that was because DD had come off and I was exposing my boob at an old gent, and he was probably just staring to get a better look without his specs! My strategy has always been to gaze lovingly at DD all the while she is feeding; if you don't make eye contact wiht anyone, it becomes harder for them to enter into anything with you.

don't give up, this is probably an isolated incident and your DD shouldn't suffer because of a few bullying ignoramusses.

Unfitmother · 29/04/2008 20:16

Fuck off would have been all I could have manged too.

Meandmyjoe · 29/04/2008 20:28

Ooo I hate it when people are so bloody ignorant about stuff like this. Who cares if a woman is feeding a baby? it's natural! I used to get stared at too, all my friends formula fed their babies from day one and lots of them used to say they didn't want to be seen with me whilst I was feeding ds. I used to tell them to bog off then. I didn't care who saw me although it made me angry when people stared or glared! At the end of the day, you are doing the best thing for your dd and no one (especially not a few interfering, narrow minded strangers) have the right to make you feel bad. Don't start formula feeding for the sake of others. Do what you want. I changed to formula feeding at 3 months mainly due to ds being such an impatient little beggar, he wasn't prepared to work or anything so would just snack all bloody day, then pull off constantly. I wish I was still bf though!

Chequers · 29/04/2008 21:31

Message withdrawn

kidsrus · 29/04/2008 21:43

tearymummy please dont give up.

i was always ready to say "would you mind if i bottle fed instead?"
"and whats the difference?"
"except this is more organic/natural"
and if they still feel offended would they mind leaveing as their face and their oppinons are offending me and my baby.
if they still don't get the message tell them to piss off.

TinkerbellesMum · 29/04/2008 21:50

If breastfeeding is obscene then bottles are dildos.

tye · 29/04/2008 22:13

although ive never breast fed my son i think its disgusting how breast feeding mothers are treated makes me really angry even though im not one myself. if people dont like it then they shouldnt bloody look. was at the docs today sat next to a lady breastfeeding when some ignorant person made a sly comment while all the while my dp was sat at the side of this lady and didnt have a clue she was feeding the baby so cant see why its so hard to carry on with your own business instead of picking on mums that are doing something thats perfectly natural.

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