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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

ive just had a massive dressing down, for not bf in private, my cheeks are still burning

198 replies

tearymummy · 29/04/2008 11:53

was at a cafe in town, this am, having a drink and stopping to feed dd
was sitting there quitely on my own with dd

three people at the table next to me started glaring over shaking there heads at me and talking about me loudly on purpose.
saying why don't some people realise there's a time and a place for everything and tutting, i could feel myself going relly red, but i was already half way though feeding dd.
i was too ashamed to say anything back.
then they got up to leave, i thought thankgoodness, but one of them came right over to me and said do you think people want to see you do that? i just wanted the ground to swollow me up, i felt so small i couldn't think of ANYTHING to say back, just sat there like some kind of dumb goldfish
she then said theres a time and a place for everything and bf is a private thing between a mother and a baby.
i feel all tearful now and like shit and even worse feel annoyed with myself for not even saying anything back

what could i have said, that would be a bit more intelligent than fuck off

im thinking bout ff dd when out now. but i just want the best for her
if i can't stick up for myself, i don't know what to say to people like that.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 29/04/2008 12:06

So sorry you had this experience. It is nothing to be about - indeed, I think its everything to be about - you are doing a completely natural thing the way it should be. I was out with another mnetter on Friday and we had lunch at a cafe and she bf - she got no stares apart from my ds (3) who was fascinated (I did offer to remove him, but shd was OK with him!). Please don't let it put you off and don't be forced to ff if you would prefer to bf. You could try taking a muslin or similar and throwing it over your shoulder, although this would have worked OK for me when ds was small but not later as he would have pushed it off.

If there is a next time - I hope there isn't - tell them to mind their own business as you and your dd are minding yours...

Fllight · 29/04/2008 12:07

I guess OP didn't want to stoop to their level by swearing. It would have given them ammo against her iyswim.

I am appalled it happened, Tearymum please don't let them bully you into ff, I have been in a similar position and felt absolutely awful but just carry on bfing, if you can possibly manage to - if you are afraid to then perhaps find a quiet corner facing the wall and do it there next time, so nobody can see what you're doing.

Not saying you should have to do this but I find it helps me carry on feeding when I am having a bad confidence day.

Big hugs to you pet xx

oregonianabroad · 29/04/2008 12:07

So sorry to hear these nasty bitches ruined your day.

Take comfort in the knowlegde that they are ignorant, repressed prudes -- most likely bitter.

Good luck to you and don't let their pathetic attitudes put you off.

oregonianabroad · 29/04/2008 12:09

A nice pashmina draped over baby and your shoulder can give you privacy if you feel you need it -- I don't think there is any reason you should feel you need to cover up, tho.

BettySpaghetti · 29/04/2008 12:12

I get really cross when I hear that people still have this negative attitude to bf in public.

I'm lucky in that I never experienced it (or at least if people were giving me dirty looks I never noticed) but I expect I would have got upset and been speechless.

One thing I noticed in our nearest city is that a lot of cafes and restaurants had "Breasfeeding Welcomed Here"/ Breasfeeding Friendly" stickers in their windows , although I didn't actually notice them until just before I finished bf'ing. If your local town has a similar scheme you could calmly point out to obnoxious objectors that they are entirely in the wrong and that, in fact, the cafe positively welcomes it

pooka · 29/04/2008 12:13

Fuck off would have been an entirely appropriate response IMO. The bloody cheek of it. I am incandescent with rage on your behalf. I think you were very unlikely to cross paths with ignorance. I never had any negative comments or looks. Have just got back from local cafe where friend breastfed her dd with no looks or negativity.

You do know that this is a reflection on them, not on you. Their problem, their issue, their ignorance. You are doing the natural normal thing for your dd. Don't feel pressured to switch to formula when you know that you are right.

chrissnow · 29/04/2008 12:14

I'm another one who would definately stick up for a bf mom who was getting grief. How stupid are some people. babies need feeding. They don't give a fig about when and where and neither should you. Look after your little one and yourself and to hell with haridans and harpies who have nothing better to do than bully people.
"There is a time and a place"
response
"Yes - the time is when my baby is hungry and the place is wherever we happen to be. Today that happens to be here and now. Now kindly run along and leave us be. Your overpowering perfume is ruining my childs enjoyment of lunch"

betterhalf · 29/04/2008 12:14

They were probably just jealous that you had a good pair and their's were leathery empty sacks which have to be hoisted off the floor

Seriously though, I'm really sorry you were subjected to comments from such ignorant busybodies. Don't let their ignorance and pathetic mentality put you off.

littlepig · 29/04/2008 12:14

I've always had a positive (or no) reaction too - in fact the first time I breast fed in public in a cafe two separate people offered to stand in the long queue to get me a coffee while I was at it!

I must admit I agree with the pople who would have given a rude (or at least a strong) response back - definitely a good idea to have one up your sleeve in case you are unlucky enough to come across more rude nosey people and don't be put off.

TillyScoutsmum · 29/04/2008 12:16

Nasty buggers . I'm on your behalf

Yes, there's a time and place for everything. But morning in a cafe seems about a perfect time and place for eating and that's all your baby was doing

fym · 29/04/2008 12:16

I had something similar when DS was small a few years ago - went into Fenwicks Cafe, gasping for water and a snack, sat down waited for a waiter (it was a waiter service cafe) and NONE of the buggers would serve me - just kept staring and muttering. Sat there for 45 mins feeding DS (discreetly) and obviously couldn't get up so had to phone DH to come and get the waiter to get me a drink! When it did arrive it was banged down on the table with no eye contact...and no glass! Tried to order a cake but the guy just walked off and ignored me. Absolutely disgraceful. I should have complained....

I nearly walked out without paying, but had a couple of quid in my pocket which paid for the drink. Had to leave it on the table as again couldn't get eye contact.

My rule is always keep it discreet and only feed somewhere I would eat....so really really couldn't understand the problem. Really put me off feeding in public though..

smallwhitecat · 29/04/2008 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

michie40 · 29/04/2008 12:20

God thats shocking - I was always very nervous about bf my two in public but i still did it - and i was lucky enough never to have any negative comments.

Most of the time people didnt notice me breastfeeding - you really have to stare at someone to spot them breastfeeding - its fairly easy to be discreet which I am sure you were.

Please dont let it put you off - these wierdos are very rare.

Notquitegrownup · 29/04/2008 12:20

Oh Tearymummy, I'd have been just like you too - what a horrid, horrid situation for you to be in.

I do hope that this doesn't put you off bfing in public. You might find - as I did - that I got a few nice comments from folks too, as the months went by.

At least you have MN to check in with to reassure you! Keep on feeding and keep on posting. And if there is a next time, you will have a good Mumsnet inspired reply ready, too.

Madlentileater · 29/04/2008 12:20

bastards! don't let it put you off, may never happen again. But if it wasme I'd be back next week at the same time with a gang of bfing buddies- any chance of that?

PortAndLemon · 29/04/2008 12:21

Things to say with the benefit of hindsight...

"do you think people want to see you do that?"
-- Actually, surveys show that 80% of the British public do. And I've had lots of comments from people who've said how lovely it is to see a mother breastfeeding in public [doesn't matter if you actually have or not], so that's been my experience as well. I'm sorry that you have a problem with it.

"There's a time and a place for everything"
-- I couldn't agree more; in my opinion the time and place to feed a baby is when and where the baby is hungry, although it's very swet of you to be concerned about my privacy.

Don't let these arseholes bully you. Where is the cafe? I feel the need for a regular MN Tuesday morning nurse-in until this person reappears.

mollymawk · 29/04/2008 12:24

What horrible ignorant people. Please don't let them put you off.

Sidge · 29/04/2008 12:25

Please don't let them put you off breastfeeding in public - I do believe that people like that are the minority.

I wouldn't have told them to fuck off (as tempting as it is!) as I think it's better to dazzle them with wit or be so incredibly cheery and nice that they are left feeling really petty and silly.

It's easier to think of something after the event, but I would have said something like "well as far as my baby is concerned this IS the time and the place for her feed - she is hungry and this seems to be an establishment for eating and drinking, so it looks like just the time and the place to me". All said with a big cheesy smile!

Don't give up - I bet far more people love to see a baby being fed as nature intends than don't, like those shrivelled up old bags.

Notquitegrownup · 29/04/2008 12:26

Great responses PortandLemon!

I've just thought. Someone had compiled a list of cafes and restaurants in our town which were happy to welcome breastfeeders. The hospital gave the list out, so they got some free advertising.

If you have a few minutes one day, you could turn your negative experience into something very positive. Ring round the cafes in town and ask the owners/managers what they feel about customers feeding in the shop. You could ask those who have a positive response, if they would like you to circulate that info in a leaflet via your local midwives. It would only take 10 minutes to type up, and would be useful info for others. (Be armed with a good response for those managers who suggest that they would be happy for you to feed in the toilets though!! )

Original poster
tearymummy · 29/04/2008 12:27

thankyou for your kind words, now your kindness has me in tears, oh dear what a mess i am today

well there was a couple in there late 30's and an older woman about 70
i think it was a couple with one of their mums

i was in the corner, with a nursing top on, with my head down looking at a magazine.

i don't want to stop bf dd, but this has really put me off.

i was ment to be shopping for summer clothes but came straight home after that, if i feel upto it ill go into town later on in the week.

why im annoyed at myself is, i just froze, i was wishing somone else in the cafe would come to my rescue, but everyone just gawped

OP posts:
IdreamofClooney · 29/04/2008 12:28

I cannot belive that anyone would actually comeup and speak to a BF mother in this way. Although some people are just nasty and perhaps they would have found something else to be miserable aobut if you had been bottle feeding.

I live in Scotland and one i got used to it I happily BF anywhere DS was hungry, I don;t know how I would have reacted if someone said anything to me even knowing that my right was protected by law.

BF is feeding a baby not in anyway inappropriate anywhere or at anytime let alone in a quiet cafe.

Definitely their problem but not a nice expereince for you.

Please don;t let it discourage you as you are giving your baby the best start in life.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 29/04/2008 12:29

Utter bastards. Sorry this happened to you. They had no right to approach you. Why on earth would someone who is offended by the sight of you bfing continue to stare?

Weirdos and freaks. Don't let it put you off. Prepare yourself with some witty comments and go back out into the world. Most people are lovely, but as always, some people are thick as shit.

PortAndLemon · 29/04/2008 12:31

I would have come to your rescue if I'd been there. Bah.

Flier · 29/04/2008 12:33

poor poor you, but I think you need to force yourself to go back to the same cafe again very soon and breastfeed, do you know someone who could go with you, possibly another breastfeeding mum? This might boost your confidence again.
notquitegrownup thats an excellent idea re the cafe list

Original poster
tearymummy · 29/04/2008 12:34

i wish you were, port and lemon.

whats upset me aswell is how dare they try and turn a wonderful [although difficult]thing like into something dirty and nasty.

OP posts:
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