Worried about my wife.......

[BritishBeef]

Hi there,
My son is only 2 weeks old and we are already at our limits. I guess that sounds pathetic and both my wife and I feel failures to be feeling this way so early on.

My wife had a lot of problems breastfeeding in during the first week due to our son having a very strong suction and also managing to 'click' whilst sucking which caused my wife so much pain that she cried whilst feeding. We had 3 different midwives confirm that he was latched on perfectly and couldn't work out what was going wrong. Things got better a few days ago and breastfeeding was bearable. In the last few days however, our son has been wanting feeding every 2 hours and his feeding time has lengthened to an hour or more meaning that my wife is feeding as much as she's not including 3 times during the night and again her nipples are getting painful. The rest of the time he is really grisly and won't settle meaning we are getting no rest. We tried winding etc. but no use. We take him out in the afternoon for an hour (he will usually sleep then). Yesterday he was awake for the best part of 16 hours out of 24 and most of that was grisly or crying.

Today, he's doing his feeding cues straight after an hour long feed. The feed is not constant and by the end it's as if he's just comfort sucking but like I said, as soon as he's removed from the breast he makes out that he wants feeding again. My wife changes breasts half way through but still no joy.

His weight is fine and when we discuss these sorts of things with the MW's they just say there's no problem because his weight is fine.

My real concern however is the strain on my wife. She's very tearful lately and says she can't cope anymore with the constant feeding and no rest. I'm finding it nearly as stressful and as I have suffered the last 5 years with mental illness (anxiety, stress, OCD, health anxiety) I am worried about myself too. I don't want to become depressed like I have in the past and I really don't want my wife to go down that route either.

We are considering switching to formula but that makes us feel total failures and guilty especially as the MW's have rammed it down our necks that not to breastfeed is wrong.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.

My ds had a problem with trapped wind for a while (first month or so), and I spoke to Ainsworths (Homeopathic chemists in London), described his symptoms, and they sent me 2 remedies in granule form, which you just tip into his mouth. I think it helped, certainly can't do any harm. I think they were carbo veg and the other one I can't remember. You can do the whole lot on the phone. Please try the cranial though, can't recommend it highly enough, if you have a good one.

Trimum, you're right about the osteopath. Totally peaceful micro manipulation, my ds loved it and he slept beautifully after each session!

are we sounding repetitive yet BB

but one thing i learned from my HV and it is a good advice is... what works today with your baby, may not work tomorrow. so when one burping/winding technique fails i go to the next, the next, and the next... until it works or she starts screaming of boredom, then its time to stop everything and de-stress her with game.

i always thought was so cheese when people said or gave cards written stuff like 'if only babies came with a manual...' but i genuinely wished that many times since my DD was born.

Another winding technique, sounds similar to one posted earlier. I have posted it a few times before and some have said it works, so here goes again. Sit DS on your lap with him facing you. Then hold him round his chest with your hands and sort of rotate him. By that I mean push him back then to the left then forward then to the right and so on but in a smooth way (IYSWIM). Just keep him going round in this circular movement a few times. Can be in either direction! Then take hold of him under his arms and dangle him, if I was sitting on the sofa I would lean forward with him and dangle him over the floor, just letting him sway back and forth. If you get it right you can make sure the head doesn't flip around with your hand. Then back to the lap for a few more circular movements. Sounds more complicated than it is... honest. Hope it helps. You have my sympathies. Both of mine had very bad colic, although I was convinced that DS had silent reflux but Dr was useless.

Please give Gaviscon a try asap, even if you're not 100% convinced that the problem is reflux. It's the only way to find out quickly. It will change our life. It changed ours.

Well we were excited this morning. Last night after 3am feed I swaddled him even more tightly than before (he always just houdini's his way out normally or screams) and he settled right away and was asleep within 15 minutes. He went on to sleep for nearly 4 hours!!

I thought that maybe he could be swaddled after all and that could be a way to settle him.

Well today we had a really bad day. He normally only sleeps about an hour only throughout the day but will just be grizzly for most of it. Today, we went out for a few hours and he screamed off and on all day. In fact he has been in a right state up until now (he's still awake). He even cried all the time he was in the car which is normally the only time he will sleep.

So, today, in total between 8am and 7pm he has had half an hour's sleep. Please tell me that that is not right??

We saw the HV today and she was as much use as a chocolate teapot. Seriously, what do they do?! What is their expertise? It looks to me that all they do is weigh babies and look blankly at you when you are having problems. We told her all our problems and her reply? 'It's probably just his temperament'. I give up!

We are going to the GP tomorrow to get some Gaviscon to try that.

I cannot believe how difficult I'm finding this whole thing. The lack of sleep is killing us. There are long periods of the day that I'm not enjoying my baby boy and I'm starting to wonder whether it's something I'm doing wrong or that I'm not cut out to be a father.

I keep on hearing from everyone that it's just a phase and things will get better. That doesn't help one little bit. I'm getting 2-3 hours sleep a night and none during the day. When he is asleep I am so stressed and anxious that I can't sleep anyway. My wife and I are rowing (which we never do) and I feel so detached and zombie-like. I'm doing no end of stupid things due to tiredness. Last night I plunged my hand into boiling hot curry from the microwave and now have two blistered fingers to show for it. So, when's this going to get better? in a week? a month? a year? I can barely take another day.

I just hope that the Gaviscon does the trick.

Sorry for the rant but the HV really pissed me off today. The HV we had that came to our house was just as useless. They just seem like glorified baby weigher's.

There, I feel better now.

Forgot to add, today we tried swaddling and he just screamed everytim,e kicking all the time.

Hi there - sorry, haven't had time to read whole thread so may be repeating Everyone..

Signs of imperfect latch are cheeks sucking in, and clicking. And those excruciating burning nipples.

I know this, because La Leche counsellors come to your house, same day or the next if they can, and spend an hour or so watching you feed, checking for tongue tie, and even holding the baby in the right position while you try different holds etc! Especially if it's a possibility that you might have to give up bf otherwise.

I CAN'T RECOMMEND THEM TOO HIGHLY! after 2 MW's said latch was perfect..

Every 2 hours is within normal for first 6 weeks at least, I think.

Most importantly - if you decide you can't continue, Please Don't Feel Bad.

Getting to the point of having a baby is THE major achievement for someone with mental health problems. EVerything else, including breastfeeding, is bonus points only, not the main achievement - really do mean that.

HV's have 'chocolate teapot' in their job description.
La Leche, La Leche.

Oh Gosh, really sorry BB - such a long thread.

Your HV is talking absolute rubbish - temperament?!!!FFS.

I'm keeping everything crossed for you that the Gaviscon helps tomorrow. Please be REALLY careful with the dose. I can't remember off the top of my head but I split sachets with my LO to avoid constipation.

If it helps for a few days and then stops working, get back to GP for ranitidine, domperidone and/or Losec which are stronger drugs and more effective. Our LO improved immediately when her treatment for reflux started, we slept for the first time in months and fortunately it disappeared almost completely by 8 months. There is hope, it will get better. Keep us posted.

BB, I haven't read of of this thread but reading your last post I'm assuming your problem has moved on from the initial one. Not sure if anyone has suggested this but has your DW tried a dairy free diet? If DS is colicy and unsettled then it's been suggested that it could be related to a dairy intollerance and some of the proteins getting into breastmilk. Think you need to be dairy free for a couple of weeks to see a difference. Having not kept up with the whole thread this may be utter nonsense and not relate to what you're dealing with.

Also, wanted to mention that the first 2 or 3 months are soooo hard. You're doing a great job. Babies that cry a lot are a real strain on you and your relationship. I found the first 6 months pretty tough emotionally but it does get easier. Hang on in there, both of you.

could you take turns to look after him at night so you each get a full night sleep out of 2?
I really feel sorry for you, but I guess it's no consolation. I would come and take him for the night right now if I was not living in France and didn't have a 4 month old myseld to feed 15 times a night at the mo .
Forget hv, ask MN.

I also meant to say, you look like a fantastic dad to me, or you wouldn't spend so much time trying to find out what's wrong with your son. And a fantastic husband. Don't feel guilty to feel the way you do about your son, and think long term, it will stop one day, but no one knows when right now.

Hi British beef

Nope, its not right for your DS to be awake as much during the day or night. An acquaintance who has a baby the same age as mine has finally had her baby diagnosed with lactose intolerance and is on special milk. She was transformed overnight. Her and her DH lived through 18 weeks of hell and nearly split up. So please ask for an immediate referral to the paediatrician.

Cranial osteopath does help, but not if lactose intolerant. But will help with immature and tight diaphragms - helps them to unwind.

Gaviscon can help, but I found it made my DD's wind worse, as the gaviscon settles on the wind and is thick and wont let it up.

reflexology can and does help too. I swear by this for DD.

Yes, things will pass, are you a bad dad - NO. you are a normal sane parent, trying to get to grips with parenthood.

sassib xxx

hi...
dont know how your both doing now. Im a trained breastfeeding suporter. i also have bf my ds for 15 months.
i understand that it is hard. i also had sore nipples for about 5-6 weeks (cracked with blisters) but it does get better.
now i would not suggest switching the breast at a feed unless its very painful as breast do not go from full to empty. the milk is made while baby feeds. and there is fore milk which is like a drink for baby and hine milk which is the fatty food like milk. switching from one to the other breast will give the baby moslty fore milk, making baby hunery sooner after a feed. (if you are wondering about what the diffrence is if you see the mild in a clear cup you will see this water grey milk and then the cream that sits on the top).
i also suggest for the rest is wife having a nap with baby... i co-slept for 10 months and has very few sleepless nights and was told to do this while in hospital by midwifes. if you are worried about baby just do it for naps. it is very easy to sleep while feeding and she could do this with baby monitor on and you can listen down stairs.
if her nipples are sore try a breast shield (not the think that goes over nipple while baby feeds but its like a cup that protects nipple from rubbing against bra). avert also has a nice soothing gel to put on nipples and it doesnt have to be washed off.
i know it can be hard but maybe have a looking into some breastfeeding support groups. i know london has them and so does south shields (north east). partners are welcome. there are health vistors there and peer supporters aswell as other mums. have a look. your not alone.
i hope this helped a bit.

BB, i have no doubt in my mind you are an excellent father and husband. as someone said here already, if you werent, you wouldnt be trying so hard to help your baby and your wife. dont doubt yourself because you dont enjoy your little boy all the time. its impossible. we are only humans, and you are exhausted right now, not a good time to judge your love/enjoyment for your little boy.

there are some really nice HV, but if there is a problem, you ought to go to a gp, HV are not trained to solve big problems. actually, just FORGET about HV for the moment, your problem here is not just how to wind, your DS needs medical help.

i have said before, i have smashed a glass out of rage. i was getting no sleep in the first weeks and i just couldnt handle it anymore. lots of fights between me and DP too. sleep deprivation make us mental, you are not alone. if you dont have anyone near your to help, you MUST take turns. even only 5 hours of solid sleep can make wonders for your mental health. dont try to be super strong and be there for each other the whole time. you must give each other a break.

jabuti is right. Sleep deprivation makes the smallest task seem impossible and makes you hate the world and everyone is in it. I said to my husband this weekend - I am surprised that everyone who has babies doesn't end up divorced. its very tough on a relationship. And its not the babies.... its the tiredness. makes everyone short tempered and ratty.

I think Jabuti and Sassib are right about the medical help bit (which I know you are going to see GP etc.) can you ask for the GP to refer you on to try ... you don't have weeks and weeks to play with here... trying different things. all 3 of you are at the end of your rope.

To add to what has already been said - you poor things! Went through similar thing myself, turned out I just had very hungry babe (put on a pound in four days in his third week, it nearly killed me...). I also found he was hungriest in the evening, unfortunately this corresponded to my milk supply being at its lowest. In the end one night I gave him a top up of formula at about 9pm ish. This first time I broke my heart as I did it, cried my eyes out all the time he was feeding as I felt such a failure. After this big growth spurt was over it settled down again and I did not need the formula. I got into a pattern of expressing in the morning when I had loads of milk, and my husband gave him this in the evening while I got my head down early ready for the night feeds. If he was especially hungry in the morning and there was no milk to express (when he was having another growth spurt), he had formula in the evening. To start with I was also very unhappy about the formula thing, but in the end it was great as when I went back to work I was able to wean him onto full formula with no problems at all, and he took a bottle from the start. In the end I breast fed apart from that one feed a day for seven months, basically until I went back to work.

I also had a lot of pain with the feeding for the first few weeks - I found that hydrogel breast pads were marvellous and could not recommend them highly enough. And I am glad I persevered as it only lasted a few weeks then the feeding was so easy it is difficult to remember how bad it was...

It must seem like you are going through hell at the moment (I did!) but it does pass - promise!

If anybody ever tells you that they have had no problems with a newborn, don't believe them! The first 6-8 weeks are the hardest, sleep becomes a distant memory. My reflux dd didn't sleep during the day (and only at night lying on my tummy). My dh worked nights so he took her for most of the day as, to be honest, I just didn't want anything to do with her. I was so tired and the constant screaming drove me bonkers. She was diagnosed, not by a Dr., but someone I trust with our general health, as diary intolerant. But this hasn't carried on in her. She's 6 now and can eat for Britain!

BritishBeef, sorry I haven't read the full thread but did read it when you first posted. Sounds like you are having a really tough time, first babies are the most difficult IMO, nothing can get you prepared for what s to come, some babies are content little things, others find the whole "being on this planet" a very difficult transition. There were times when I really did not "enjoy" my three, but I have to say it got less with each one. I am now used to sleep deprivation and just have to roll with it, however I am lucky in that I don't have to go to work so I really can just look after the kids and not worry too much about how this will effect anything else. I am sure this may have been said and you may have already tried it but an upright position is good for "refulxy" babies, have you tried having your DS in a sling during the day? I find that a good Mie Tai is much better than the sort of sling you can buy in mothercare as they tend to be very soft and have nothing between you and your baby so the heat from your body also helps soothe them and it keeps them closer to you making them feel more secure. All three of my DCs have only ever slept during the day usinga sling. OK you don't get that break away from them that you sometimes crave for but you do get a bit of peace which makes you feel so much more refreshed. I really hope things settle for you soon and there is a small ray of sunshine that will give you some hope that it isn't always going to be like this

Hi BB
Have you been to the gp yet ? did he prescribe Gaviscon ? Have you tried it yet ?!
Seriously, your son needs medical care quickly, if your gp is reluctant to do anything about it, make his life unbearable until he gives in . Or go to another one. Don't give up, parenthood doesn't have to be so hard.