Worried about my wife.......

[BritishBeef]

Hi there,
My son is only 2 weeks old and we are already at our limits. I guess that sounds pathetic and both my wife and I feel failures to be feeling this way so early on.

My wife had a lot of problems breastfeeding in during the first week due to our son having a very strong suction and also managing to 'click' whilst sucking which caused my wife so much pain that she cried whilst feeding. We had 3 different midwives confirm that he was latched on perfectly and couldn't work out what was going wrong. Things got better a few days ago and breastfeeding was bearable. In the last few days however, our son has been wanting feeding every 2 hours and his feeding time has lengthened to an hour or more meaning that my wife is feeding as much as she's not including 3 times during the night and again her nipples are getting painful. The rest of the time he is really grisly and won't settle meaning we are getting no rest. We tried winding etc. but no use. We take him out in the afternoon for an hour (he will usually sleep then). Yesterday he was awake for the best part of 16 hours out of 24 and most of that was grisly or crying.

Today, he's doing his feeding cues straight after an hour long feed. The feed is not constant and by the end it's as if he's just comfort sucking but like I said, as soon as he's removed from the breast he makes out that he wants feeding again. My wife changes breasts half way through but still no joy.

His weight is fine and when we discuss these sorts of things with the MW's they just say there's no problem because his weight is fine.

My real concern however is the strain on my wife. She's very tearful lately and says she can't cope anymore with the constant feeding and no rest. I'm finding it nearly as stressful and as I have suffered the last 5 years with mental illness (anxiety, stress, OCD, health anxiety) I am worried about myself too. I don't want to become depressed like I have in the past and I really don't want my wife to go down that route either.

We are considering switching to formula but that makes us feel total failures and guilty especially as the MW's have rammed it down our necks that not to breastfeed is wrong.

I really don't know what to do and would appreciate some advice.

Thanks again for all the replies - WOW! how active is this forum and helpful are it's members? I'm amazed!

Some more responses:

Mossy:

I always do my bit around the house and I am cooking and cleaning - don't worry!

StrawberryMartini:

Olive oil?? OK, will give that a try.

LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs:

She rubs BM onto her nipples after every feed anyway but thank you.

somersetmum:

He sometimes naps at the breast but we keep him awake by blowing on him, tickling his feet and feeding him without his clothes on.

thanks so much for the other replies, it's much appreciated.

BB, took me ages to post that so x-posted with lots of others. If you are in N. Somerset there is an absolutely lovely bfc who works for the NCT in Bristol called Ruth. She came to see me and sorted out a tiny attachment issue that made a huge difference to my bfing. If you phone the NCT line and ask for her number they will be able to give you it.

not read full thread, just original post.....

he is still young...my son did this for the first 3/4 weeks if i remember rightly, i did co-share my bed with him will he was 6 weeks so he could suckle all night if he wanted it. i did find in the day that at around 2 weeks he started taking to a dummy in between feeds which helped me however much i didn't want to use one initially but it was my saving grace!!!

even if only for an hour so i could recover before his next feed!!

if all else fails and you both are so worn out dont feel bad about formula feeding him, it may be best for him, may fill him up more for longer, and will be MUCH less stressful for you and your wife from the sounds of things..... if you want to continue trying with extra breastfeeding support then i do think you should try every avenue, but at the end of the day he is your baby and dont feel bad for giving him formula- i never once gave mine formula but bf came like a piece of cake for me!! i was lucky, but just because i did it i dont think it is for everyone!!- you've given it a very good go and shouldn't be made to feel guilty by anyone!! he is your baby, and this is the most precious moments, if bottle feeding will let you enjoy it more then thats the best thing in my honest opinion!!!

Oh, and another thought. Swapping sides frequently (when he stops sucking or seems to have nodded off) during a feed can help keep them awake, and also ensures they get lots of rich, hindmilk which is the stuff that makes them feel full (and therefore sleep!). It also means one nipple isn't being savaged for hours on end.

What are his nappies like? Is he having lots of wet ones and at least one pooey one every day?

Has she been checked for thrush, it can be very painful even when the latch looks right, same as others have said it never came together for me with the first two til weeks ish and with and no.3 took at least 8 weeks, dont be disheartened by that just dont suffer in silence, use all the numbers other mners have given, they will be hugely helpful.

call the nct breastfeeding helpline or the la leche league. the 'clicking sound you here is baby gulping air, so i'm sure the latch could be improved. and anyway breastfeeding is not painful when the latch is perfect, so i'm sure there is room for some improvement. most midwifes are not experts at breastfeeding, so do seek some help before she feels she can't go on any longer.

however, sore nipples aside, your baby sounds perfectly normal for a 2 week old. they don't sleep for long periods and are often restless and unsettled. the outside world is a big adjustment for your little baby. remember your son is not used to ever feeling hungry/cold/wet etc and breastfeeding is not just about hunger it's about comfort and reassurance for your little boy.

it's also perfectly normal to feel like you can't cope, but this stage doesn't last for long, and things usually start to get a lot better around the 6 week mark.

but do get your wife along to a breastfeeding support group, or to see a lactation consultant or phone one of the helplines, because the problems she is experiencing with breastfeeding can be resolved.

congratulations on your little boy

Message withdrawn

oh and go now to a late night chemist and buy her some lansinoh purified lanolin, it's fab for sore nipples

oh and sorry olihan but that's wrong.

switching sides frequently means baby gets more of the watery foremilk and less of the richer hindmilk, as hindmilk is produced later into the feed.

it's much better, if baby nods off after only 10 mins or so to change his nappy, wake him up and put him back on the same side, as that will mean he gets more of the fatty hindmilk to fill him up.

I've read your OP and skimmed some of the other replies. I go to a local babycafe which has a breast feeding counsellor on hand to help out with problems. I had a quick look on the website and there is only one in Somerset Is it near you at all?

My DD is 17 weeks and tbh feeding has only recently got to a point where I'm comfortable with it, and it can still hurt at times if her latch isn't quite right.

tongue tie, thrush, engorgement can all cause the clicking you mention. Has your DC been checked for tongue tie? Or has your wife been on antibiotics recently? or did she have thrush when she delivered? (sorry if that is a very personal question). Kellymom is a fantastic resource for Breast feeding and there are lots of articles on common problems.

i would second calling one of the advice lines. I called the NCT helpline when I was at the end of my tether and the counsellor I spoke to was lovely, she was happy to sit and listen to me sob down the phone then clamed me down with some really good suggestions for improving things (DDs latch has always been clicky and was getting progressively worse). She gave me the number of a local BF counsellor, but things started to improve so I didn't call in the end, but it's nice to know that support is there.

My DD also went through a bit of a growth spurt at around two to three weeks and was on the boob constantly. They all do it I'm afraid. AS for the pain, I think it was a good two weeks before the excruciating pain on latching stopped. I took a deep breath when latching her on, curled my toes and counted to 10. If still sore, I took her off and tried again.

It might not seem like it at the moment but it will get better and the moment it all clicks into place is a real epiphany.

Good Luck and keep telling yourselves that you are both doing a fab job.

sorry, olihan, but i second beautifuldays on the switching sides thing. It is best to ensure one side is completely empty and feed until LO unlatches by themselves. If they still seem hungry then offer the other side. too much foremilk can also cause real wind problems as well.

My LO never wanted the other side so I have always done single sided feeding. It's working well for us as she is a right wee porker....

....who is currently bleating for her supper.

Sorry beautifuldays but it isn't. Switchfeeding is a term used by bfc's and it was a method recommended to my by a bfc as a way of increasing the amount of hindmilk (and therefore calories) he was getting to improve his slow weight gain.

The foremilk/hindmilk concept is misunderstood by a lot of people - This explains it very well, the final sentence about actively feeding is why I said to swap when the baby had stopped sucking or had fallen asleep. HTH.

If it's any consolation, when I first brought ds2 home from the clinic, he spent several days feeding non-stop. I remember tearily saying to my DH at about 2 a.m. "How can I love him if he keeps doing this to me?!" He never stopped asking for the breast and grizzled constantly.

IT STOPPED! Now he's a gurgling, happy 14 wk old and we are all much happier. You will get through this.

I would second the sling idea. Get up, get out of bed, put your baby on (you or your wife). Wear him all the time if he is fussy - you would be amazed how it can calm them down.

The other suggestion is: take it in turns. If you can take the baby out for a walk for an hour, insist that your DW stays in bed to catch up on some sleep. A nap can make the difference between sanity and insanity. Make sure she doesn't do housework while you're walking the baby.

You can do it!

I also copied this off Kellymom:

Switch nurse. Switch sides 3 or more times during each feeding, every time that baby falls asleep, switches to "comfort" sucking, or loses interest. Use each side at least twice per feeding. Use breast compression to keep baby feeding longer. For good instructions on how to do this, see Dr. Jack Newman's Protocol to increase intake of breastmilk by the baby. This can be particularly helpful for sleepy or distractible babies.

olihan - think we are talking at crossed purposes, and for what it's worth i am a bfc

you are right that once baby has fully finished one side it is right to offer the other side etc and that is one method used to increase supply.

but...i don't think this lady has huge issues with her supply, as baby is gaining and producing wet nappies. i was trying to warn that de-latching the baby and switching sides after 5-10 mins will prevent the baby accessing the hindmilk.

sorry your first post didn't make it too clear what you were advising

olihan, i didn't read your post correctly and didn't realise whast you meant....sorry

Okay, fair enough, that's what comes of trying to make lots of suggestions without overloading the OP ith masses of info! Should have just linked to Kellymom first of all, shouldn't I?

second the issue about the growth spurt - sometimes they feed constantly for a few days - just clever mother nature telling your body to make more milk, then when the supply is up, the feeding settles down. Also, my nipples were absolute agony for the first few weeks - nothing to do with his latch or anything, it does just hurt some women, but it eases and gets comfortable, honest. (But, I'm not suggesting that's it in your wife's case, do check out all the suggestions).

I fed DS every time he murmered at the begining - frightened into it by "demand feeding" drummed into me by HV etc. I wish I'd tried cuddling and distracting a few times first.

BUT, the two of you will know your baby best, so trust your instincts, whatever conflicting advice you get, go with what your gut tells you, you'll get it right! good luck.

If you're trying to keep your baby awake while feeding, try breast compression rather than feed tickling etc. Baby often stops suckling not because the milk flow has slowed down rather than due to tiredness. Keep the milk flowing, and baby will keep on sucking.

breast compression

Watch the baby when he is feeding. If he is properly sucking - which is a suck, suck, pause (for a swallow - which you may or may not hear), suck, suck, pause, suck suck pause motion, then he is feeding. If not he is what I always called "nibbling". Not that there is anything wrong with a bit of nibbling once your baby is well fed, but if he is nibbling instead of feeding in the early days, it could lead to less milk being removed from the breast and diminished milk supply.

As for formula... it is entirely yours and your wife's decision and you should not be made to feel guilty if it is genuinely what you feel is best for your situation. You've certainly not failed at all!!

However, when I was struggling in the early days one thing that actually kept me going was a friend of mine who is ff her baby. She said that it was no easier ff; you have to sterilise bottles, prepare bottles, carry lots of equipment around when going out for longer than two / three hours, sometimes her baby would not take a certain teat so she would drive herself mad trying lots of different teats, sometimes her baby would not want to feed at all and would scream when the bottle came near... basically she told me that ff is not necessarily a walk in the park either.

(Not said to try and make you feel bad in any way just something that helped me. )

kellymom rocks

Wow! EVEN MORE REPLIES!!

OK, just trying to read them all. Will have to sign off in a minute as I'm trying to cook dinner. Will post back tomorrow with more responses. Thanks so much for all your help everyone. The most amazingly helpful forumers on the net surely!

BB - nothing practical to add, but so impressed that your wife has such a lovely caring husband. You may not realise it right now, but you are making a HUGE difference to her - well done to both of you.

hello BB coming along late to this thread but just wanted to add my support and best wishes and congratulations.
haven't read the whole thread but just a few suggestions:

has your baby been checked for tongue tie? I only say that because of the "clicking" sound.

I would suggest that you plan to give yor wife a few clear hours to rest properly. have you tried baby massage? this can soothe a fretful baby. have you tried swaddling? white noise (sitting by the washing machine). driving around with the baby in the car seat? I think it is important that you try and recuperate and try not to make any decisions at the moment- just let a few days pass.

you are really doing fantastically well and god bless you both.

Looks like you've got loads of advice but just wanted to add that THIS WILL NOT LAST

it feels like it will, but it won't .. take it a day at a time and remember one day you'll look back at this stage and it'll be a 'God do you remember when...' giggling conversation

BB In all of this please try and look after your mental health. I ended up worse off because I worried about DP being depressed! It is very hard to battle through the early weeks without feeding problems aswell, take time off work if you have to and get to a BF counsellor. Then make sure DW is not depressed and if you feel your mental health problems coming back go to the GP straight away.

Am I sounding bossy yet?

There is a MN saying you may want to chant to yourself every now and then:

"This too is a phase and it will pass!"

It became a bit of a mantra in this house for a while!

And when you get through this - and you will - please don't nag DW if she gets addicted to MN, we are lovely really