Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

I agree.

I'm going to be flamed for saying it, but I think the all-natural, hypnobirthing-and-breastfeeding thing is a bit of a trend. Women seem to be in competition who can have the most Earth mother, Instagram-friendly pregnancy/birth/newborn experience.

Obviously breast milk is best for babies, but surely being fed and thriving is most important of all. I can't help but feel some mums desperately persevere with breastfeeding at the cost of their baby's health because they want to fulfil their own ambitions (can't think of a better word).

I had no qualms giving DD formula when she was born and was too tired to feed. Luckily she figured out how to breastfeed pretty quickly, but if not I wouldn't have spent weeks going back and forth to breastfeeding specialists etc, I wouldve just bottle fed her. I cant imagine letting my baby go hungry.

There is actually some evidence now that women having issues with breastfeeding in the early weeks who supplement with formula end up being able to breastfeed more successfully in the end.

I remember feeling that I couldn’t give a baby formula no matter what. But you (should) get older and wiser and realise that there is a bigger picture.

There is an awful lot of pressure on mums and I don’t wish to be unkind at all. But when you see a bony, 6 week old baby with shadows under his eyes. And his mother commenting that his legs are not much wider than her finger, you do have to wonder what the rationale is.

Agree with you entirely and I’m so glad to see someone post this

IME midwives tend to be arseholes about the whole breastfeeding (and natural birth) thing. Then women who’ve suffered through it (often having very difficult breastfeeding journeys and really restricting their freedom from their baby) also jump onto the breast is best, WHO says formula kills babies bandwagon as a way of justifying all that suffering to themselves.

I extended breastfed both my children. Collectively I breastfed for over three years. I only did it because it was convenient. It really really doesn’t matter what you give your child so long as you meet their notional needs (same goes for things like organic food or vegetarianism etc). If you are someone that judges formula feeders then fucking keep it to yourself.

Cos your told your shit if you dont, not only by randoms but medical "professionals"
I was refused formula in hospital with dd, got the evil eye when some was brought in, then ignored entirely cos i was FF
Someone sees you and new baby, first question, how are you feeding, if you say FF, its usually "thats a shame"

The guilt trips laid by some are simply evil

Women are sent out with little to no support, all this pressure just builds . Some people become neurotic and obsessive . I would say 99% of this is from trying to to the absolute best you can, in the hope you don’t mess up your kid.
Women carry that burden so heavily.
Breast is best , but not to the detriment of mother and child, there should be more support.

Your experience is not everyone's though. I had an EMCS with DC1 then a planned section with DC2. DC1 was a little early and jaundiced and slow to gain weight so I was basically emotionally blackmailed by the midwives into giving her formula in hospital. Obviously you'll do anything to keep your child healthy so I took their advice, but was really surprised that we were pushed so card into formula. When she got out I switched back to exclusive breastfeeding and, thankfully, was pretty successful. At our 6 week visit I was telling the HV how we seemed to have cracked it and she said 'well, you can give some formula now then.'
With DC2 I was exactly the same, I found BF really painful for the first few weeks and HV was very quick to recommend formula. I'm always very surprised when people talk about their NHS experience being all about BF being pushed on them as my experience was the opposite.

I agree. I don't understand why women get so upset when they can't breastfeed. It's really not the end of the world.

I think it's much easier to see the bigger picture that fed is best in hindsight, but with a newborn your emotions are raging. Midwives, health visitors and GPs will be asking you how you feed your baby in check ups so it doesn't feel like it's nobody else's business (even if it isn't).

I think it's much easier to see the bigger picture that fed is best in hindsight, but with a newborn your emotions are raging.

This. During pregnancy I was pretty chilled about whether I’d breastfeed or not as I didn’t know how easy I would find it, although I did think formula seemed like a faff. Four days after the birth DS was still bright orange from jaundice & had lost 11% of his body weight, but I had spent far too long reading MN threads about nipple confusion and was reluctant to give him formula for this reason. Thankfully I was talked round by family and midwives, & we now successfully combination feed at 12 weeks. It can be so difficult to see what’s important when you’re in the new baby fog (or sleep deprived at any point) so skilled, honest support is absolutely vital.

Both my DP and I felt that breastfeeding was pushed way too hard by midwives and health visitors etc. The antenatal classes only covered breastfeeding and ignored anything other than that.
I had so many people turn up to watch me breastfeeding that we started refusing appointments - no actual help was being provided by them and I wasn't successful in the end.

My milk never fully came in but I had weeks of being pestered about why I wasn't breastfeeding anymore. My baby is 9wks old and they've only just given up asking whether I'm still trying to breastfeed. I was made to feel like a failure and my DP felt they were quite hard on me.

OP, I have no idea but I wish they would stop.
Watching someone spiral into a depression relentlessly trying to maintain BF when it causes pain for her, anxiety, exhaustion for everyone, very unsettled baby is awful.

There is a lot of pressure and you're emotional as fuck at that point. I'm not at all convinced that the breast is best message is helpful as it's too much pressure. I was made to feel like even a drop of formula would ruin everything which I'm not convinced now as pretty much all the extended BF mums I know used some in the early days.

Later on I was also somewhat motivated by the fact that almost all my immediate mum friends were breastfeeding and I didn't want to be the odd one out. Would have felt different if my friends had all FF.

catfeets

It seems incredible that so much time and so many resources are wasted when you have made your intentions clear.
Have they got nothing else to do?
Midwives & HV are so few and far between & so rushed off their feet in my area that when I said 'I'm not BF' they accepted it without a word.

Judgemental woman. Trying to bro g up a boring thread to stir some shit. I’m pretty sure that woman’s baby is fine and that she knows what she’s doing on baby number 6. Go and do a jigsaw or something instead of poking your nose into people’s business, solely for the reason of getting people to agree with you.

Because the “breast is best” messages necessarily implies that formula feeding mothers are not doing as well for the children feeding wise as breastfeeding mothers, and that is something most women find an upsetting thought. They think they have to breastfeed or they aren’t doing the “best” thing for their child.

I in fact think it makes naff all difference in an individual level how a baby is fed - but that’s the mentality I had when I nearly sent myself over the edge trying to keep breastfeeding.

Could never get my head around why it's as if it's 'at all costs' almost for some.

I don't understand why women put themselves under such pressure.

Do you know that breastfeeding is the reason, though? My friend's DC just wouldn't put on weight well until he started solids, on breast milk or formula.

But I don't think many people will disagree that if it's actively damaging for the baby's wellbeing then that's not good. But it's often a lot more complex than that.

And if you think she's starving her baby or he's malnourished and not being fed properly, then you need to report her to social services. I imagine at the moment more people than usual are falling through the cracks

Most babies in the U.K. are formula fed to some extent after 4-6 weeks. Babies still being breastfed by 9 months are a small minority and by 12 months, it’s a statistical outlier. You get a small number of mums who persist just as you get a small number of mums FF and the baby is having lots of issues with different milks. The pressure or societal expectation or even the public health campaigns to bf that are routinely mentioned just don’t hold.

UNICEF stats here

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/breastfeeding-in-the-uk/amp/

The longterm outcomes for breastfed babies and formula fed babies are the same in developed countries.

The breast is best bs needs to stop.

My opinion is that it is very tied up in the vision many have of themselves as a good mother. Like if they do it, that's it, nothing can take away that status.

I get it, I felt so guilty when I stopped but I just hated it. Now I couldn't care less, my child is healthy, happy and fed.

I think it's a combination of things.

When I was expecting, my friend was too. We were told there was no formula in hospitals at all. Which simply wasn't true. But it made formula feel like contraband. My friend wanted to FF from the off and she was treated dreadfully.

I also got totally caught up in the virgin gut thing. I can look back now and see that the messages about bf played into my hormonal state and perfectionist streak. Like a drop of formula breaks the spell somehow.

I also think there's an element of you're a proper mother if you have a natural vaginal birth and breast feed. Like you're winning at being a mum. Obviously, this isn't true, but when your audience is people who are spending thousands of pounds on the best travel system, the best nursery furniture, the best Swedish organic cotton clothes, or whatever is the best that week/month/year, its just an extension of that.

I can look back now and see I was deranged. Any plasticy toys were taken out of their packets and left to off gas in another room for 2 weeks before baby was allowed them. And I breastfed in years most days. I wish I could go back and give my self a shake! I'm normally a rational, sane woman. I don't know what happened!

I agree. My son wasnt breastfed because he was removed from his birth mother at birth. He is now 4 and doing absolutely fine.

My sister was much like your friend OP. Constantly posting on social media about breastfeeding and all the 'medals' she was awarding herself for it for EBF for so long. My nephew was not thriving or gaining weight at all. He is still tiny, nearly 4 but still in 18-24 months clothing. His parents are both over 6ft tall, and their other children are all very tall. I'm not a medical professional so I dont know that the EBF caused it but I wouldn't be surprised.

In tears most days!