Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

I know a woman who is very natural birth/breastfeeding/cloth nappies/no plastic etc. Her husband also has huge anger management issues and has already yelled at the baby multiple times.

I have the feeling she thinks that by doing these things she is somehow making up for the fact that her husband is an abusive piece of shit.

I think a lot of it is related to this kind of stuff, like breastfeeding will make up for all the things you mess up. "How can I be a bad mum if I breastfeed?"

(And yes, I have tried to help her but I barely know her, and we live in a country without any kind of functioning social services so not much I can do.)

Personally I found all the pressure was to give formula. I was made to feel like I was being really alternative for bf, I remember the word ‘stubborn’ being used - which always makes me more determined! But I (again personally) find the idea of feeding a baby highly processed artificial milk derived from another species really weird when we’ve got milk of our own. I don’t see artificial milk as ‘bad’ but I see it more like a medical thing - an amazing lifesaver when needed, but most of the time not needed. I’m v v glad I got through the initial tricky weeks with both dds with the support of a local bf group. I wouldn’t have bf ‘at any cost’ but most women do find it hard at first, but with support can do it. The ‘with support’ bit is absolutely key though! I know this isn’t a popular opinion to express, but the OP did ask,

@Gwynfluff the thing is that MN is not a representative sample of women in the UK.. (tends to be more white, higher earners, etc etc). Of course the stats are true overall but that doesn't mean that anecdotes aren't also true for a lot of people on here (hope that makes sense - it's early!).

While the majority of mums in the UK FF that's not really relevant if your immediate peers all BF. I'm no psychologist but surely most people aren't going to feel peer pressured by people they don't know from a different social group.

"But I (again personally) find the idea of feeding a baby highly processed artificial milk derived from another species really weird when we’ve got milk of our own. I don’t see artificial milk as ‘bad’ but I see it more like a medical thing - an amazing lifesaver when needed, but most of the time not needed"

Pff. What total nonsense. It is feeding your child. It is neither here nor there how it is done.

No one cares about your magical booby milk except you.

@KnobwithaK I agree with you definitely. And used to see journalist mums, with the same socioeconomic skew, writing lots of articles about the ‘pressure’. But actually huge swathes of the U.K. population for a number of reasons (some of them rooted in disgust) really don’t think you should breastfeed. It was just adding context. I actually believe the bodily autonomy of women is paramount and also that women should get good holistic advice and support for infant feeding.

Thesky - I did say it was an unpopular personal opinion! It’s my opinion though- I do find the idea of artificial milk weird. It’s a triumph of advertising that we’ve come to accept it as normal.

All through my pregnancy I said it wouldn’t matter that as long as he/she was fed. Then the time came bf wasn’t working and I got myself in such a state. We were seeing different professionals and they kept telling me I was doing so well to keep going. It almost felt like if I stopped I failed and that if I tried hard enough it would work. It didn’t and he didn’t start thriving until we introduced the bottle. I expressed exclusively for 3 months then slowly introduced formula when he needed more than I could pump. He is thriving now and it was the right thing for him. I think it is a combination of the hormones, the message that breast is best- it implies to do less is a failure. The phrase clearly isn’t working as our rates have not improved significantly. I hope to try to bf my next one but I don’t want to end up in that dark hole again.
I also feel so sorry for any mother in my local area having a newborn baby right now- my local midwife centre is running zoom meetings for ‘pregnant and breastfeeding mothers’. Just because you are formula feeding doesn’t mean you don’t need support in those early days.

I supplemented with formula with all mine and was able to exclusive bf after a week or so

I've heard someone in tears as she couldn't feed, it's natural so it should be easy

It's natural yes but easy definitely not

"I did say it was an unpopular personal opinion! It’s my opinion though- I do find the idea of artificial milk weird"

It is far from an unpopular opinion, it is everywhere and it causes massive amounts of guilt and shame for women who are unable to or do not want to breastfeed.

It IS normal to formula feed. Completely normal.

Do you also think it's "weird" that we buy clothes when we are able to make our own, or to drive a car when we are able to walk or is it only formula feeding mums who you decide to label in this way?

I was determined to breastfeed because i do believe it is best and i didn't want the faff of bottles formula and sterilizing everything. I was lucky that i was successful with an abundant milk supply and DS took to it like a duck to water and is still ebf now at 12 weeks old and it feels amazing seeing how much he's grown knowing my body alone has done that not some tin of milk. But thats my personal opinion on my own experience and i don't think anyone has the right to judge another mother for how she feeds her baby especially not the midwives and HVs that are meant to help yet do come across as judgemental and annoyed by FF mum's as i witnessed myself on the postnatal ward when other mother's brought formula in. If they want to increase breastfeeding rates they are going about it entirely wrong

I think BF needs to have so many things in your favour to work. If I was not such a stubborn person and if my DH had not been so supportive to me, I don't think I would have lasted more than a few days. I constantly had 2 sets of GPs telling me I was doing it wrong (who never breastfed) and that we couldn't tell if the baby was getting enough. Well, err the health visitor and doctor telling me my baby was in top 5 percentile for weight and the very fact he looked like a Michelin man was evidence enough!

It's hard enough for a woman to breastfeed as it is without everyone around you knocking your confidence. I've always said that not enough emphasis is put on post birth and how to look after your baby. I remember frantically reading "What to Expect in Baby's First Year" in the hospital and I had the luxury of a 3 night stay and loads of nurses walking me through things.

I really wanted to breastfeed before dd was born, for various reasons it didn’t work.
I started expressing the night she was born, a week later I tried breastfeeding her again and it was horrifying for both of us.
My midwifes were completely supportive of everything, they were the ones who suggested formula in hospital and helped me to start expressing.
When I wanted to try breastfeeding again, my midwife asked me if it was really what I wanted. I didn’t want to but I felt like I had to try, I didn’t tell her that, I just said yes. She came to visit me a few days later and told me that it’s alright not to breastfeed, fed is best.
Now I can’t imagine ever breastfeeding any future babies. Dd is mixed fed, expressed breastmilk and formula, she is happy and thriving. I’m gradually stopping expressing, dd is almost 3 months.
Society makes us think that breast is best, but if mums not happy, baby won’t be happy.

" it feels amazing seeing how much he's grown knowing my body alone has done that not some tin of milk"

You blame health visitors for being judgemental but your tone is just as bad.

It is food. You can feel however you like about it but at the end of the day, your baby and my baby are both growing and it doesn't matter and it is no more amazing that you used your breast and I used a bottle. But I never see formula feeding mums say how proud they are that their baby is fed due to them washing and sterilising and preparing bottles.

Weird is a loaded term but I think it's fair to say that when you look at human history as a whole its not the default feeding method even if our culture says different.

That said I've also heard that in the past if mum's milk wasn't coming in for a bit or her supply was low the baby would often be supplemented by some breastfeeds from a family member or friend. I suppose that's comparable to using odd formula feeds before things have worked out or to supplement as needed. Obviously now we are more aware of infections being passed on and are less likely to have a BF mum as available as that.

Being able to safely feed your baby formula is a privilege that few women in the world have. For most women, the precarious water supply can mean that formula kills due to water borne diseases.

That is why WHO has the breast is best message, because it is true for most mothers in the world and they are a WORLD health organisation, not just for the women in the richest countries. Just because it doesn’t apply to you, doesn’t mean that the breast is best message “needs to stop” that message saves lives.

As for pressure! What a joke. In a developing country it’s breastfeed or your child could die. That’s real pressure.

Same with natural birth obsession.

I hated all the "I'm proud I breastfed for x years!" Brigade. Why??

Because some people ( someone who did it to me, someone who I’d never even met actually ), their first question is, how are you feeding .... when you say formula you get why aren’t you breastfeeding ?? Because I’m not !!! That’s why, and no one should have to justify or even explain why.

"That said I've also heard that in the past if mum's milk wasn't coming in for a bit or her supply was low the baby would often be supplemented by some breastfeeds from a family member or friend" - in many cultures it's still the norm, whether your milk comes in or not.

I've been wondering this myself.

Before I had my son my plan was to breastfeed unless it was hard and painful.
And then it was hard and painful, but I felt like I couldn't stop.
I have been pumping exclusively for almost 4 months, and I'm not sure how or when I will stop. The idea of stopping just feels like giving up.

I felt like it should have been easy for me because its "natural" and what you're "supposed" to do. The weird thing is I know that isn't how it works and I have never judged anyone for using formula because fed is best. I have no idea why I judge myself so harshly.

Agree with you Op. I feel SO bad for all of the hungry fussy babies who aren't having their needs met because their Mothers are obsessed with their child being "exclusively breastfed".

I was treated like a shit failure by midwives and health visitors for having to give up on health grounds. They no doubt didn't mean to make me feel like that and I'm sure I was being hypersensitive but I don't care - that's how I felt.
I still see one of them - she's a nearish neighbour. I can't even look at her or her house.

@lostvoiced I felt the same, then I stopped and I've felt so much better since.

If you're not enjoying it, you can just stop. You'll probably feel guilty for a few days then wonder what the fuss was about.

Thesky funny you talk about being judgemental and i completely disagree, it is more amazing to grow a baby on your own breast milk. It doesn't mean formula feeding is bad or you have failed as a mother if you dont breastfeed .. i dont see why we need to downplay the miracle if it is just food to you, fine why are you hung up on an empowering comment.