Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

I thinkI they need to change their slogan from Breast is Best to Breast milk is best.

As has been said, for many reasons breast feeding just isn’t an option and I think some women persevere and drive themselves crazy in the process because they see expressing and giving it via a bottle as a failure.

My friend’s baby wouldn’t latch properly despite days and days of trying with midwife support so she decided to express and bottle feed him. She exclusively expressed for 6 months and God it was a real dedication - I was in complete awe of what she put herself through!! She definitely had a much harder ride than me who was able to breast feed.

It makes me so sad to read about experiences from women who felt/feel so much guilt about bf not working out (for whatever reason). Why is it always assumed to be the woman's fault somehow? Presumably this is how women are made to feel or they wouldn't feel that guilt? There are sooooo many factors involved in bf and yet it's the woman who ends up feeling bad if it isn't working

because they see expressing and giving it via a bottle as a failure.

Are we really suggesting that most women think it's feeding from the breast rather than the milk that's deemed to be of benefit? Most don't want to express because it is a huge commitment, and some would rather use the time pumping to be engaging, playing with their baby and maybe even taking some time to relax themselves. Good for anyone who does it, but honestly, it shouldn't be pushed. Supported yes if needed.

Are we really suggesting that most women think it's feeding from the breast rather than the milk that's deemed to be of benefit?

I think the phrase “Breast is best” is what does this harm.

Obviously women know it’s the milk that is the benefit but the phrase implies being breast fed is best, I.e being put to the breast.

One of my friends, many years ago, had a baby that wouldn’t latch and so she expressed and gave her baby the milk via the bottle. She always said she felt so disappointed because she knew that people who saw her feeding the baby would automatically assume it was formula in the bottle and not breast milk.

I told her she was worrying unnecessarily and that nobody probably gave two hoots about what was in the bottle, and so what if it was formula, but she couldn’t let it go.

I found the whole thing really sad and it’s worrying that she actually felt worried about what society thought.

That was almost 10 years ago now and although I would love to think things have moved on since then I doubt they have.

As a previous poster said - I think women feel guilty when they can’t breast feed even though it’s not their fault.

The whole infant feeding phenomena is crazy really and causes so many women to unnecessarily feel bad about themselves

@Servers this was a big big bear of mine. The feeding plan the hospital put me on had me expressing. I hated it and switched to formula. If I'd been able to actually breastfeed DS without all the faff I might have kept going but expressing and then bottle feeding was too much.

I am combination feeding my 8wo. Had some difficulty with breastfeeding, started giving formula along side it, is working well. I was well supported by midwives, HV and friends. I worried people would judge but noone did. I think threads like this is are whipping up more worry about feeding. Let's just let each other get on with it and stop passing judgement or making assumptions on both sides of the debate.

The baby in my op is not looking any better and is now 2 months old and only just fits into Newborn clothes, his mother reports.

Is he following his line?

I have a tiny baby, who has followed her (low) line religiously since 6w old. Breastfed (weirdly not by choice - refused bottles) and is now a year old and is in a mixture of food and breast milk. Huge appetite (or half a punnet of blueberries for a snack, seconds at a lot of meals) and is still tiny and fits in 3-6 month clothing. Health visitor is content because she's following her line.

So I don't think it's as simple as tiny child = underfed. Mum should be willing to supplement if baby is still falling down on centiles though, without a doubt.

I had a really tiny baby who was under the 2nd centile in weight - I kept breastfeeding him and after his tongue tie was fixed he went up to 5th centile at 5 months. He fits into 9-12 month clothes. so you can’t judge

@Babyboomtastic I agree but what child do you know who was born at term and now looks more skinny than when he was born and at 2 months old still only weighs 7 pounds? I sincerely doubt he's on any line above 0.

This has been must needed reading for me

Baby born by c section earlier this week and struggling as no milk has come yet

Have given tiny top ups of formula and everything I’ve read elsewhere is that itl ruin breastfeeding and cause us to fail.
I didn’t know if to beleive it as the rest of the time baby is suckling so often it’s bound to have plenty when milk does come in

Baby has tongue tie but midwife at hospital said it didn’t need cutting as it was very minor
I’ve spoken to breast feeding helper (via phone as they aren’t doing visits right now) to ask if there’s anything I should be doing as it’s starting to hurt so much, but apparently this is normal and to just use lots of cream

If that’s true I’m not surprised people don’t continue with BF as I’ve nearly been in tears today

I feel like it’s too soon to resign fully to FF as baby not even a week old but I can see it happening soon if it’s this painful each time

I can relate to this at the moment as my second baby is 15 days old and I am struggling with bf. My first had jaundice but we got through it and I ebf for 3 months. This time it is different because baby is feeding constantly and I have had sore bleeding nipples- I’ve been in tears at the guilt I feel for not having time with my 3yo. I’m persevering for now because she is so young, but also- I hate to admit but I feel it is so deeply instilled that it’s better for baby that I would then feel guilty for not trying my best. To add, baby is putting on weight so I feel I would be giving up for selfish reasons- if that makes sense? And even more selfishly, reluctant to change because I’d be devastated if formula didn’t buy me a bit more time to myself(and for dd)..... if I’m brutally honest! Sorry, went off on a tangent....and I’m sleep deprived if none of this makes sense

@Rebelwithallthecause

I feel your pain, we don’t have young tie but I had a hole in my nipple which was bleeding by day 5/6. I follow a group on fb and they suggested expressing a little milk on to the nipple and let air dry, get yourself the lansinoh lanolin cream and apply before and after each feed. I think it helped to heel but I’m petrified of same happening again as just can’t seem to establish a full latch.....
I therefore feel the same as you with regards to giving up!

I had 3 day weigh in today and baby dropped 8% of weight.
Midwife made me feel like It’s borderline of being referred to Pediatrics but I thought anything up to 10% was fine.
My milks not even in yet!
I have to have baby weighed again on day 5 and midwife said she needs to have not lost any more
It feels like so much pressure

There is too much pressure in general about baby’s weights and I wonder if there is actual evidence behind it. In developed countries are babies routinely underweight due to malnutrition?

I know both BF and FF mothers who were made practically insane with worry and guilt because their babies weren’t gaining to the expected standards. Some of these were naturally small and slim people who obviously had small babies, it’s like anything less than 50th percentile is a failure. Which from a statistics perspective doesn’t even make sense.

Then at about age 3 the focus shifts to whether or not your child is too heavy!

@Rebelwithallthecause

I had exactly the same with my first when hv came at 10 days, surely 3 days is too soon to worry! It scared me so much that I’m certain that’s the reason I all of a sudden couldn’t get a latch! After then speaking to bf expert and mw, neither were phased and assured me some babies do take a couple of weeks to get back up!
Try not to let the pressure get you down and in the way of your feeding- as it was my first I had luxury of spending a day or 2 in my bedroom with baby sleeping and feeding, sleeping and feeding to try and get on track. Maybe you can do the same? You will get there, whichever route you choose x

User,

My friend had exactly the same problem as you, her baby was feeding almost 24h a day. It was driving her mad. As the baby would latch correctly, she started pumping three bottles of breastmilk a day and then continue bf for rest of the feeds. At least she could give her nipples a rest and get a bit of time for herself. The baby gradually started shortening the feeds. Baby is now 8 weeks old and feeding in a "normal" schedule.

For cracked and shored nipples, they recommended me to use Lasinoh and cover it with cling film. It was a game changer. The cling film was far better than any super soft breast pad. I could even wear a bra!

@AmeliaE

I would never have thought of clingfilm, thank you- not sure if my boobs are leaking too much at the moment.

I have now phoned the drs as I suspect thrush 😭 but they are only phoning people back and calling them in if they feel it is warranted.

We give baby a bottle of expressed but she still cries for more- I don’t know if it’s hunger or comfort but she ends up back on the breast so it just feels like no light at the end of the tunnel. She will never take a full feed without falling asleep so I feel like sort of have to just go for it if we are- as I wouldn’t put her back on breast straight after a formula feed.

3 weeks on Friday and I keep hoping we will turn a corner but there has been no improvement so far x

The lady who I was talking about has felt it necessary to address the apparently copious messages she is getting about her baby which express concern that he is always crying and looks very underweight.

She says that his paediatrician is happy with his weight gain. I find this hard to believe. I do hope that eventually he starts to look better. I suppose at least he'll be eating food at some point this year.

Well obviously the paediatrician must be wrong, and she should take the advice of unqualified people on the internet regarding her baby's health.

@SamSeabornforPresident

If you saw the pictures of this child you would not be so sarcastic.

It's really important to some mothers to breastfeed. I don't know why that is difficult for people to understand? It's a hugely emotive topic after all. For me it has nothing to do with "breast is best" (hate that fucking phrase, coined by formula companies, and hate "fed is best" just as much)... anyone in the healthcare arena who says "breast is best" needs retraining IMO. Informed and supported is best!

I had a bloody awful time breastfeeding my first baby, and the thought of stopping was really heartbreaking to me. I wanted to feed my baby the biologically normal way (as is my right) but was not prepared for how difficult this natural process could be. It was a really hard experience and I know a lot of people would have stopped under the circumstances (and probably given me a healthy dose of for preserving)... but it really mattered to me, and I knew I would feel worse in the long run if I gave up. Thankfully we got there eventually, but I had five months of painful feeding to get through, and it was really tough.
I'm absolutely thankful for the formula top-ups that the baby had (for the first month), although at the time I stressed about it hugely too, and the HCPs we saw were absolutely no help on that front, with one BF specialist midwife making me feel about an inch big for using formula (again informed and supported is best - and I was not supported at all in my choice to use top-ups).

I always have to wonder why other people care about another parent's infant feeding choices. Surely live and let live?

I always have to wonder why other people care about another parent's infant feeding choices. Surely live and let live?

Not when the child is obviously malnourished. Just so someone can bf. That's not putting your child's needs first. I'm not talking about people who have a bit of a struggle with breastfeeding. I'm talking about a 2-3 month old whose skin hangs off him and he has dark rings around his eyes and hollowed out cheeks.

Jesus is this still going?

You need a new hobby. To claim not to care how other mothers feed their babies and be this obsessed by the life of a woman you don’t even know isn’t healthy.