Why do some people feel that they must breastfeed at any cost?

[Moomin8]

I’ve got plenty of experience of both types of feeding - I breastfed two of my children until 2 years. They were great feeders - I had no problems.

My other two children for various reasons ended up having formula. One was 3 weeks early, severely jaundiced and my milk was slower to come in than it should. I didn’t want her going into hospital for uv therapy. The other couldn’t feed well and was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia, later. She would get tired and not take enough bm.

Now, I see this lady on Instagram who has a 6 week old baby who weighs only 7 pounds and he was born at term weighing 6 pounds. He clearly is not thriving. Every time I see a picture of him I cringe. And his mother is about my age (40) and this is baby #6 for her.

I would be the first to say that breast IS best. But only if the child is thriving surely?

How can a baby make the necessary brain development in those early weeks if they aren’t picking up weight?

I know that society makes women feel like formula is evil. But sometimes I think it’s better than breastfeeding when the baby isn’t thriving.

I think theres a lack of good stats on how many women can actually ebf. NCT etc tell you that pretty much every woman can with enough support and enough willpower. Is that really true though? Anecdotally, an awful lot of women have problems.

Also I find it interesting that antenatally they push 'breast is best' so hard, but then at the slightest sniff of weight loss after birth all the medical professionals push formula top ups straight away. It's so hard to work out what to do if things don't go smoothly. I mix fed DC1 for 14 months after various bf problems and it actually worked really well for us, but it was hard to get good advice on how it do it sustainably. There a widespread and wrong perception that it has to be a biary choice bf or ff

Wolf girl please provide your evidence to show negligible benefit. Thanks

The amount of people justifying starving a baby purely so they can breastfeed, is fucking disgusting. You're sickening.

@BillHadersNewWife
I fully agree with you.
I have 4DC, youngest now 14, I rarely comment on BF or sleeping threads as they tend to be dominated by militant bf and co sleeping women.
I admit I shudder at the bf until 2/3, to sleep at 2, no child needs this and it’s easily stopped, same as the ‘my baby is 2 days old and won’t sleep but on me’ again easily sorted.
Why are women making raising babies this impossibly difficult task?

@Ilovelala it's not about the stress, if you want to ruin your newborn bonding time stressing about breastfeeding that's your prerogative. But I think it is cruel to see baby hungry or thirsty, even for a few weeks, because you want to satisfy your ambition of breastfeeding.

I bf my daughter for 5 months. Great supply, no mastitis, baby grew like a weed. But I had no qualms giving her a bottle of formula at the very beginning when she was too tired to feed.

I breastfed my children, i got more pressure to FF than pats on the back for it.

‘I went through a couple weeks of stress to give my baby the best, why wouldn't you ?’

A couple of weeks is a normal amount of time to be trying to establish bf.

This is interesting @Peapod29 and I wonder if it is because a lot of the current ‘grandparent’ generation were at the peak of ff when they themselves were new mothers
I can empathise with this.

Some of our relatives are convinced that what DC needs is formula because although they sleep through at night, they feed every 1-3 hours during the day. Apparently they're probably not getting enough milk so need formula or to start weaning. The suggestions for baby rice, baby cereal and rusks started from 8-12 weeks.

I think the pressure depends on your circle. In hospital I was the only woman breastfeeding in my bay on postnatal. With friends most breastfeeding, or combi feed with expressed or formula and nobody cares because fed is best.

I've met a few evangelical types but they seem to be evangelical about all areas of their wholesome mom image on everything from breastfeeding, to no plastic toys, to why they are #makingmemories on lockdown and subjecting everyone to their daily educational adventures.

It’s such an emotive subject and always causes a divide.

Babies can and will thrive on either. Breast milk is obviously superior but no ones disputing that. No one should feel guilty for not managing to breastfeed or not wanting to.

The problem lies in the lack of support and the fact that few people know what normal breastfeeding is in society any more. It’s has been set on a pedestal of perfection whereas it should simply be viewed as a normal (the default) way to feed a baby with the option of formula if that alternative is needed or wanted.

@Ilovelala
It's that "why wouldn't you try your best" attitude that makes women feel like shit when they cant do it.
Breastfeeding does not work for everyone. Simple as.

As I said, I had loads of support and a baby with a perfect latch and I could not do it. I found another way to make sure he had breastmilk but it's not always possible.
Jesus. People need to stop judging others about it. I dont care how other people feed their babies, as long as the baby is fed.

It's not like you can tell as an adult who was breastfed and who wasnt.

Please bear in mind my comments only relate to when a baby is losing too much weight or clearly distressed with hunger/thirst.

Not to normal breastfeeding behaviours such as cluster feeding, feeding every couple of hours etc which is perfectly normal.

My MIL didnt breastfeed and didnt understand why I needed to do it so often, she clearly thought I was starving my baby even though she doubled her body weight by 3 months old.

I was one of those women with dc1 and thought I was failing my child if I didnt breastfeed and ran myself onto the ground with a baby that fed 12-14 times a day every day for 6 months. With dc2 I learnt and with the trauma ot scbu and my milk not being in I knew formula was the best for our family. I have enjoyed formula feeding much more than breast feeding and wished I had have done it first time because I really let my obsession with that and pumping spoil my first few months with my child. Breastfeeding is best but it isnt for everyone and it depends on the birth circumstances, any trauma and mental health etc.

To the PP who said formula should be the last resort, it is the last resort for you. For me BF may bring up some mental health difficulties for reasons that are too personal to get into. I am not ashamed to say that at the first sign that my mental health is suffering I will switch to FF. Even an inkling that my MH is taking a slight dive I will. Many women talk about the stress and upset of the first couple of weeks but after suffering for 6 weeks they got through it and are flying it. That is great for them but I know my MH will not take 1 week let alone 6 weeks of suffering. Having a baby is a hugely emotional time, I've no doubt my MH will be rocked regardless of BF or FF but I will not have someone tell me that formula should be the last resort. If it helps me be the mother I want to be then thank god for formula.
I know that I need to keep myself as well as possible, mentally and physically to provide my baby with everything they need. To be truly honest I don't think I want to even try but I feel that if I don't ill feel incredibly guilty and that is definitely due to some opinions I've read here

'I went through a couple weeks of stress to give my baby the best, why wouldn't you?'

That's the thing though it isnt always just a couple of weeks of stress... if only. One size doesn't fit all.

@Ilovelala

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/20/is-breast-really-best-i-looked-at-all-the-data-to-find-out

No idea. I BF because it's easy (apart from the first one) and all my babies end up like fat Buddhas - also because my mother is a breastfeeding Nazi and I'd have never heard the end of it. Good for me, but if they weren't thriving I would have switched to formula. Fed is best.

@LolaSmiles haha yeah I want to murder those people!!

I have a nearly 2 year old and a 10 week old, I desperately wanted to EBF both, and both times the pressure of establishing it and the cluster feeding affected my mental health so badly that I ended up combination feeding both times. Both times this initially made me feel like I'd failed somehow, however with my first, combination feeding enabled me to BF him until he was 13mo, which is a lot longer than a lot of people I know that EBF for the first couple months then moved on to formula. With my 10 week old, I don't feel so bad about combination feeding and plan on BF for as long as she wants.
I'm a big believer that BF is best, but formula isn't poison, and combination feeding should be promoted more, instead of women feeling like if they 'fail' at breastfeeding they need to give it up completely. Any breastmilk you can give it great, and not being able to BF at all isn't failure. I wasn't BF as a baby and I've never had any health issues

I havent read thd whole thread so perhaps this has already been mentioned but in my case (twins born at 27 weeks) i was beyond desperate to "make up" for failing them by going into early labour - relentlessly expressing / breastfeeding exclusively for months was a way of assuaging the guilt.

Currently 35 weeks and whilst I'm going to try my best at breastfeeding (it's free at the end of the day), it's really frustrating how FF is portrayed.

As soon as I say to a midwife/health visitor I'm going to breastfeed - they instantly warm up and tell me I'm making the best decision for my baby - I wonder how they make those mums feel when they say they're going to FF. I doubt they get the same warm reaction as I've had, which is just wrong.

I've bought back up formula and have two sterilised and bagged baby bottles in my hospital bag just in case it does go to shit when I try. A fed baby is better than a hungry one surely?

To add...this all comes down to the amount of pressure there is out there on parents. 'You should do this', 'you should do that', 'have you thought about this' 'why you doing it that way' etc it's exhausting!

I genuinely believe this is why PND is on the rise because we have so many opinions thrown at us all the effing time and you aren't given time to think straight let alone decide what you want to do with your body and your baby. The lack of autonomy you have as a pregnant woman is disgusting. As long as your baby is fed, dressed and safe, it really should be down to each individual woman how they decide to feed and care for their child.

Sorry for the rant 😂

See, with my now 4 month old stuff just conspired to make bf difficult. She was born 3 weeks early partly because I had gestational diabetes and I had reduced movements. She had a few issues transitioning from womb to outside world. And my milk took about a week to come in which was much longer than usual. By the time it came in she was quite severely jaundiced and was becoming more and more sleepy. At this point I just decided I didn’t want her going into NICU (again). So I started using formula and still pumped bm because I wanted her to start getting better and gaining, which she did.

I think if she’d been born at term bf would have been more likely to work out. I felt that there were more factors to consider than bf no matter what - her being potentially separated from me. Me spending a lot of time pumping instead of being with her. And that I wanted her to look well.

I felt like I wanted her to be feeling well and happy even if that meant using formula.

"If I was not such a stubborn person and if my DH had not been so supportive to me, I don't think I would have lasted more than a few days"

I know your comment was coming from a kind place @Frangipanini , but this attitude also does a lot of harm. It was precisely BECAUSE I am stubborn that I put my mental health and my baby's health at great risk trying to breastfeed at all costs. I had a very supportive partner, a close family member who is an lactation professional who was living with us and I still nearly killed my self trying to breastfeed. For some people it just does not work. And being stubborn doesn't always make it work.

Op the pressure from me was because of the area I live in, I also blame NCT because they only prepared us for best case scenario.

@dropthemic fed is best and so is the health of both mother and baby. Do what is right for you. I wish I knew what I know now because I'd have given up breastfeeding sooner and formula fed dc1 because both he and I would have benefitted from it more. Dont feel guilty and feel proud for choosing the option that makes you the healthiest and best Mummy for your child. A happy and relaxed formula feeding Mummy will benefit her baby better than a stressed breastfeeding one. We can't all be happy breastfeeding so just have to do what works for us and our families.

@cluelessmop

*'It was precisely BECAUSE I am stubborn that I put my mental health and my baby's health at great risk trying to breastfeed at all costs.'

I can completely relate to that. I got so wrapped up in breast feeding and pumping milk and avoiding formula it was at the cost of my mental health and enjoyment of the baby.