Breastfeeding - I don't get it

[crystalpony]

I can't get my head around the emotive issue of breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed - quite frankly the thought of doing it repulsed me and the majority of my friends also feel and felt the same way. This doesn't reflect my opinion of others doing it - each to their own - but I just can't reconcile the desperate feeling the some MNers have about not being able to do it adequately....

I bottle fed my baby - and before there are any comparisons to me bottle feeding her by the more dramative types - ie that I might have well just have fed her cyanide or mouldy chicken nuggets etc. - and I bonded to her no probs, never felt I had missed out.

Can someone explain to me in simple terms why it's so important to them and so frustrating when it doesn't go as planned? Is there some kind of though on here that if you don't you're a bad and neglectful mother because there seems to be a general undercurrent of shame if you haven't managed to (or chose not to) breastfeed for whatever reason?

Thanks

pmsl nadinebaggott- I keep reading your name and wondering who you are.

And harpsi there seem to be so many crossed wires talking about different things I will bow out because I can't be bothered to unpick them. This always happens on breatfeeding threads - I seem to get invcolved in some argument without meaning to because I really don't care whether people breastfeed or not and whether they feel repulsed or not. Each to their own. I thought my second post was agreeing wiith you! In that I was simply pointing out that life isn't so simple as "do x - produce child who does/thinks/feel y" and that it's always individual, which seemed to be waht you were syaing in your second post to me.

Well I'm confused now even if you're not!

3andmore - good article !

Thanks YR, may well get some of that!!

I'm sure mw would help, just found it amusing that i have to be shown what to do!! Didn't mind last time round as was a first timer and really didn't know anything and had no one I trusted to take advce from. This time round will be very different, have got to know MIL and SIL well over last 2 1/2 years so will be asking for advice, they both bf. Felt alone last time really as my family isn't much use on the baby front.My mum would have been but is no longer with us and didn't know dh's family too well. Much more positive this time that I can ask for help with everything so it's all good

oh and the baby is SO cute ! what a lovely photo.

good for you eddas - hope you get the support from family and health profs. that you deserve

and you know MN is pretty good too

I hope my message has clarified, a little, how people can feel the strangest and most unlikely things. It was very hard to post. I didn't realise that I felt a lot of those things until I typed it.

thank you for your kind messages though. I do see the analogy with the bus tickets, and what I felt was that someone took my ticket away.

The over-riding reasons why bf is so important me is:

Its best for the baby (sure you are aware of the nutrition/health benefits)

Its best for me (short and long term health benefits)

Its natural, its free, its rewarding (not always straight away), its convenient etc

When it doesn't go as planned its frustrating because the baby and me are not gettting the health advantages we want and strive for. Some women feel that they are failures and that they have failed their baby.

I think your attitude (and that of the majority of your friends) is a sad reflection of the attitude towards bf today in this country. But that is a different matter with regard to education/support mechanisms/health policy etc. In Australia, bf is the norm and formula isn't even given a thought though it is seen as a perfectly acceptable alternative if things don't work out. Now why is it like that over there and not here?

maybe because it is the norm, chocolatekimmy?

So mothers who opt for it know there really was no other choice, and don't feel the need to beat themselves up about it, or imagine other mothers are beating them up about it?

There seems to be far less angst about formula feeding in countries where breastfeeding is the norm.

I BF both DDs (still am with youngest) because it is the best thing to do for my baby simple as that.
Not wishing to offend but I can't really understand why you wouldn't try it even once to try it because surely every mother can only want the very best for their baby.
That said if you can't and it is causing upset and/or distress then I believe it is best to switch to FF because hungry babies and stressed out mothers do not make for happy babies.
P.S. I have friends who formula feed and have never once accused them of feeding cyanide to their baby, more on a par with turkey twizlers I feel
Just to clarify that is a joke!

Brilliant article 3andnomore - cheers

BTW colditz can more understand in your type situation how perhaps BF wasn't first on list of priorities.

What wonderful heartfelt and touching posts. For once not a bun fight either ! Ive just had a very interesting hour catching up with this thread since I posted this morning, (despite saying I couldn't face reading it then, Ive been drawn in).

Teecee your post made me cry , it was so beautiful, extremely touching. Funnily enough , I stopped BF dd2 25wks about 2weeks ago and I feel a little emotional about it every now and then. More so having read mears post to, about it being a never again in this life experience. Possibly more as I think my cylce coming back is making me teary.

I was awash with all sorts of feeling about breastfeeding ,from one side to the other.I was totally unsure about it pre dd1 3.5 yrs, esp after seeing my mum in a state when my sis was 6mths old and her milk was machine expressed and pink.I dont recall much about my mum feeding my sister, but I know she was ex bf till then. I think it must have made me fear it in a way ,as when feeding dd1 in hospital I started at apprehension,( I can so relate to feeling a bit messy and yucky leaking with dd1, it did perturb me), then on to frustration and then utter devastation. Dd1 was a failure to thrive baby and was told to ff, go to the flip side with dd2 I was totally sure about wanting to BF, everyone said my get out clause was previous pnd/ptsd/ chronic anemia etc ..but I was determined and didnt take anything into hospital with me. I just soo soo had to feed this baby myself as I felt I had failed dd1 really badly, it just had to work this time and it did , it was amazing to finally enjoy it. This time around it's felt so wonderful, comforting and intimate. That memory is very special and Im so glad its happened that way. It may not have at all.

I dont think this is that much related to the OP , but its just to show what youve lived with , seen and then experienced is what leads you to approach things as you do.

Wow! I have not checked this thread since posting and unsurprisingly it has moved on! I am so glad and interested to read other women's experiences of bfing and ffing and TeeCee's post brought me close to tears. I too remember feeling utter wonder that "my body was doing what it was intended to do and giving life".

It still bowls me over that for six months there existed this tiny human being made entirely of molecules of ME! When my DS reached 6 months part of me was very excited to wean him and introduce him to a whole new world of food - but part of me was a bit sad too. It felt like cutting the umbilical cord all over again. I can't imagine how I will feel when he stops bfing completely. Proud, and sad, I expect.

I've only read the OP. I think everyone will have their own reasons, but for me it was like this. I had terrible trouble conceiving and by the time I did fall pregnant I'd all but given up hope. This appeared to be down to hormonal problems, including probable PCOS. My cycle had always been all over the place with a lot of pain in the second half and things just didn't seem to "work" properly. I had some complications in pregnancy combined with huge anxiety due to the length of time it had taken to conceive. I really needed to prove to myself that my body would be able to do something how it was supposed to.

So then I found breastfeeding really difficult, and I mean REALLY difficult. That was the nail in the coffin for my self-esteem as a woman. It confirmed all my previous irrational thoughts that there must be a reasons why I couldn't conceive, that I wouldn't make a fit mother, etc. When accentuated by post-birth hormones my feelings became overwhelming. Even though I finally made breastfeeding work, to a point, those feelings have stayed with me.

This has been a fascinating thread. To add my twopenneth... For me bf just seemed 'normal', it's what my friends have done and what my mum did with me and both my brothers. I was 7 when my youngest bro was born and I remember him being fed. I even used to 'bf' my dolls. I didn't really 'get' bottlefeeding, to use the terminology of the OP.

So when I was pg last yr it seemed the obvious thing to do. I also felt that I'd spent years carrying around my (frankly ridiculously large) 32J breasts, and that now was the time to use them. Pregnancy went fine, baby was born at home, lots of skin to skin, latch fine etc etc....

BUT, then at 1 week old my DS was sleepy and jaundiced and still losing weight. We were admitted to hospital where he was put in an incubator and I fed him every 3 hrs and staff cup fed him EBM. Even now 6 months later I can remember the feelings of absolute fear and shame that I was 'failing' and 'starving' my baby. I cried for the first night and hardly slept. This may seem extreme, but it's how I felt at the time.

Fast forward 6 months and I now have an extremely contented and thriving bf baby, thanks mostly to the support I received in the early weeks. I didn't realise how strongly I felt about bf until it looked like it wasn't happening.

My children have asked me how they were fed because it is discussed in school nowadays. I don't think it is a cause for concern because, as has been said before, it has nothing to do with how much your mum loves you.

I have started another thread here about past experience which has been mentioned. It is just so the thread doesn't veer off for crystalpony.

Turned into a good thread BTW

Yes it did. And well done Crystal for refining your point well enough to make it so

My mum didn't breastfeed me and she still feeds guilty even though I tell her there's no need to feel guilty, I turned out well and I don't miss it, lol. She really wanted me to bf my dd though.

I was really keen to bf dd too because, well, I was told that it's the best thing to do, it's natural, it's easy, really a total no-brainer. So, I did bf dd for 7 months but I have to admit that I found it neither natural nor easy. Both myself and I my dd had to learn how to do it and it took a long time before we had it sorted and it was very painful to begin with. Something noone had ever told me about. Also, I found it very odd to have a baby suckle on my boobs, I really did not enjoy it all (even after it stopped being painful. I didn't like the feeling of the full and leaky boobs and soaked breastpads, yuk. I positively hated the fact that bf tied me to the baby, i.e. I had to do all the feeds (I did express everyday but it did take me about four days to express enough for one full bottle) and thus I very rarely got to go out without the baby or even get a decent uninterrupted nights sleep. It made me resentful towards dh as I felt I had to do all the work because he couldn't help with the bf. Also, although I am very at ease with my body I simply didn't want to feed in public so I was stuck at home most of the time, it nearly drove me bananas.

I guess I stuck with it firstly because I did believe it was best for my dd and because I felt an intense pressure to bf from just about everyone around me, my mw, my hv, my dh, my mum, the NCT etc. I guess I didn't have the bottle (pun fully intended) to stand up and say, I've had enough, before my obligatory six months were up.

Should I have another child I would probably mix-feed.

I guess it's not for everyone.

...and Lazycow, I didn't enjoy pregnancy either.

BF is 'repulsive' if you view your breasts only as sexual organs. Perfectly understandable why that would be the case because that's the general message out there, unless you're looking at pregnancy mags. In a healthy society BF would be the only option for a newborn and the emergency alternative would be wetnursing. All midwives etc would know exactly how to help and no mother would be left to struggle alone. New mothers would also have a nice long 'lying-in' period where they didn't have to do the laundry /go to Tesco/ pick up their toddler from playgroup etc. They would be looked after, so they could heal up from the birth, rest and feed their baby.