Breastfeeding - I don't get it

[crystalpony]

I can't get my head around the emotive issue of breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed - quite frankly the thought of doing it repulsed me and the majority of my friends also feel and felt the same way. This doesn't reflect my opinion of others doing it - each to their own - but I just can't reconcile the desperate feeling the some MNers have about not being able to do it adequately....

I bottle fed my baby - and before there are any comparisons to me bottle feeding her by the more dramative types - ie that I might have well just have fed her cyanide or mouldy chicken nuggets etc. - and I bonded to her no probs, never felt I had missed out.

Can someone explain to me in simple terms why it's so important to them and so frustrating when it doesn't go as planned? Is there some kind of though on here that if you don't you're a bad and neglectful mother because there seems to be a general undercurrent of shame if you haven't managed to (or chose not to) breastfeed for whatever reason?

Thanks

colditz, an interesting post and an interesting story.

Women who are taking medication - including a/ds and including tranx - can almost always breastfeed. I think it's appalling that a nurse made a casual decision for you after a word with someone (who?). Just to say 'stop taking meds or don't bf' is really, really, shitty treatment of anyone. A long-lasting decision that can affect a baby's health, and can affect a mother emotionally for a long, long time, made so casually, without even talking it over with you or sharing the information with you, so you could decide what to do......maybe reduce the dose, maybe time the does (this is possible), maybe choose an alternative, maybe take the meds and monitor the baby are some of the options.

You say you felt 'useless' and 'outraged' as well as secretly relieved the challenge was removed from you.

But I think the 'care' you received was 'useless' and they deserve your 'outrage'. Why did they not treat you like an adult?

Back to tickets: You were prepared to try out the bf bus, and you had bought a provisional ticket - even though the journey was a bit scary and unknown to you.

They in effect said, 'if you get on this bus, you and your kids will be miserable'. That's kicking you off the bus, and bundling you onto the other one.

Nobody told me Me and the kids would be miserable. But with the facts as I saw them at the time, 45 minutes after delivery, that's how I felt, yes. So torn.

The medication was Prozac. I have since learned that a lot of women have breast fed on Prozac. She also asked me if i had breastfed before.

In the pit of the night when I am at mymost loathing and angry, I wonder if she spoke to anyone at all. She wasn't the world's most tolerant midwife while I laboured, she kept making me lie on my back although I didn't really wnat to because it hurt more. I think that may just bemy own guilt trying to transfer

Colditz, do not be so hard on yourself.

You did not decide to have a breakdown. You may have made differnt decions at a differnt time in differnt circunstances, but we deal with life as it is happening to us, not an idealised version.

No child gets the ideal in all aspects. Bf/Ff is just one aspect. Some mothers on here describe bf whilst depressed. You made the decisiona happy Mummy was the best option, and you may be right. No one can really say, bf or depression worse??

In reality, in the long term if you love your child and you're overall good enough, they'll be Ok and you're doing well.

And you obviously do love yours and are definetly good enough so give yourself a break.

Interesting posts from Caligula and also nice to hear about attempts to get more working class women to breastfeed. Of course at one time only the rich bottle fed. You get that in those countries now where babies are dying because there is no sterilisation and mothers are trying to bottlefeed because it's the modern rich thing to do.

Yes, what we find repulsive and what we don't is interesting. If we took a cross section of musnetters some would enjoy some sexual practices others would think are disgusting. Why some people should feel to feed a baby from a breast is disgusting though is fascinating. It's what for thousands of years people have regarded as so beautiful an act they paint it in oils and still do to this day. It's an incredibly beautiful thing and such a tragedy that some people might find it repellant and disgusting and repulsive.

Many women have indeed breastfed with Prozac. It is not contra-indicated. Colditz, you were badly treated. You missed out on something you might have enjoyed and found worthwhile, which would have benefitted your baby. This was absolutely not your fault - it was disgraceful and unkind, dismissive treatment.

Ok, I see that you feel you should have bben able to do both.

Stay happy on the medication, AND bf.

It sounds like you should have been able to do both, but were given crap advice you couldn't ignore. It wasn't from anything 'lacking' in you.

Colditz, thank you for sharing that. TeeCee, lovely post too.

Crystalpony, I'm glad you clarified. I didnt intend to be harsh, but, it clearly is an emotive subject, and language is so important when discussing this subject. It had the potential to offend and I wanted to point it out to you.

I think it was great you came back and explained why you find b/feeding repulsive. I hope that all aspects of this thread have been of value you to you.

Are you planning on having more children, and, would you consider b/feeding next time around?

returning late to this thread but ...

wtf would anyone's child ask why they were not breastfed? does anyone seriously believe this would happen?

Actualkly,I asked my mother why she didn't breats feed me, because I wanted hhr opinion.

I think people may ask out of curiosity, but as long as their mother didn't say 'because I didn't love you enough.'
Most people would be happy with the response.

What I can't imagine happening is someone judging their mother who loved them and brought them up for not bf.

so did i - i have asked my mum several times SINCE my son was born (never before as it never occurred to me) because it was important to me to clarify certain health issues i have had - i have had heyfever since i was 6 years old - a very severe one that stopped me from going outdoors to play with my friends

i don't blame my mum for not doing excl. bf in her day people gave solids as young as 3 or 4 months nor do i blame her for not doing it for more than 7 months - she did what was right at the time with 2 older children to look after

i just wanted to clarify my health issues - not saying everyone who wasn't excl. bf has health problems later on - it's just a possibility

one of the reasons i excl. bf my son was to reduce the risk of allergies so as a matter of family history it was important to me to know

unfortunatley my sister's son and brother's daughter both have heyfever and one quite severe asthma - neither were bf for long so the possibilty that my son may have these too was heavy on my mind when i decided to excl. bf

As the thread shows probably more women than not ask their mother how they were fed. I was breastfed. My mother was one of the first members of the NCT in 1961. What would surprise me is any family where the children didn't talk to their mother about infant feeding and know without expressly having to ask. Surely you talk about the pros and cons in families of all kinds of things as you grow up and that is bound to come out as a topic over an 18 year childhood. How could anyone not know? Don't they talk to their mother?

smiley - you are quite right - our mums loved us and did their best - in the 60's and 70's it was not that fashionable or "normal" to bf, so one has to look it in historical context too (i was born in 1968 - don't mind giving away my age !!!!)

NCT - 1961 - gosh your mum must have been well informed about bf for her time ?

I ndidn't talk to my mother about infant feeding within my 18 year childhood, Xenia, because I wasn'#t interested in infants.

Children do ask how they were fed when they see a baby being bfed - probably because in most 'baby' books, a baby being fed = a baby getting a bottle. My best friend's 8 yo dd asked if she'd been bfed after seeing me bf DS. My friend said she'd given them bottles instead. Her dd thought for a few seconds, and said 'well, which is best then?'. There was a longer pause, and my friend said 'breastfeeding'. Which I thought was bloody brave of her, when it would be have been so much easier for her to say 'bottles are just as good'. I have no idea if the conversation ever continued at a later date.

I don't know when I found out how my mother fed me (she breastfed) - I've just always known.

Not too sure, Xenia. If I hadn't been seeing bfing as part of my home life (mum and my sister, friends' mums and babies) I doubt I would ever have thoughtof it, as you rarley saw bfing in public/films/TV etc. I doubt it would have ocurred to me to ask re my feeding until I was pg for the first time.

And my parents were also NCT members in the early 60s.

I knew I was bottle fed from an early age too. Only as I got older (I had my first child at 35 but have been interested in health issues for a long time) did I develop a strong pro-bf stance, once I knew the facts about the benefits. I come from a working class-ish background where it would not be encouraged for a woman to bf in front of people (though prob ok behind closed doors) and it just wasn't talked about. Once I'd decided to do it I overcame any shyness I had about bf in front of my dad, uncles, people on the street etc, because I felt so strongly about it.

When I was in hospital after having dd2 I met some girls (aged about 8 or 9) who'd never seen anyone bf before and I encouraged them to have a good look

I spoke to the founder of the NCT the other day, quite eccentric and very very nice

Re the working class mothers ref,my mum is most def working class and i asked her once in front of her friends if she breastfed,they ALL looked horrified and my mum said YUK DONT BE DISGUSTING i was amazed at the reaction and asked why it was disgusting and her reply was YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ABOVE YOURSELF AND HAD FUNNY IDEAS,OUR SORT DONT DO THAT.
It was funny when she visited and i was bf dd3,she was very uncomfortable and looked anywhere but at me even though i was very discreet.

re the working class thing: my mother is working class I mean really working class and we were all brought up to be kind of "stoutly" working class IYSWIM.
she bf all five of us to at least a year and that is something I have always known. she would talk about it, when she was talking to other pregnant women and women with babies. all my sisters bf all their babies, although not all exclusively and not all for very long.
I think that there is a category of working class women who look to their own families for support and mistrust authority, hence ended up carrying on the old ways . my mother was told to give birth in hosptial (she didn't) to bottle feed (she didn't) and not to co sleep (she did) and to wean early (she didn't) but she was much more likely to listen to her own mother and female family members than a doctor or nurse

totally, that's a shame and yet when bottle feeding came in it was the modern thing to do. My father or was it my grandfather had a cow in a field, earmarked for him alone which had pure good milk (or so they thought) free of TB. My mother's family (working class, 52 first cousins etc) would have all in the 1920s been breastfed. Now we swapped around and I suppose in the 1500s the babies of the rich were sent off to wet nurses who are apparently being hired again by the rich in China.

As for never seeing it we would have been shown at school art works which show mothers breastfeeding and seen those pictures in museums and I would have seen them in books I took out the library when I was a child as well I used to read my mother's NCT leaflets - I remember reading about the pros of giving birth squatting when I was about 12. Gravity rules!

So those who think it is disgusting I wonder where that comes from? Is it a feeling that breast milk a body product like urine or sweat and therefore must be dirty and nasty?

I've come to this thread very late(although it only started today!) and although I haven't read all the posts I have read most(I think).
I just wanted to say that I do understand why people breast feed and the benefits(or what we are told are the benefits) but IMO sometimes the benefits of bottle feeding are just as important to the individual.
It really comes down to personal preference doesn't it? Yes there are people who preech that you should bf but IMO they shouldn't force their views on others. I think it's fine to share your views but you must take on board other people's aswell.

So here's my view, I did try bf with dd but only lasted a day , I know not long, but all she wanted to do was suck. And I was not prepared to let her do that all night(I had a very drawn out labour and was very tired). I said to the mw well that's ok, if all she wants is to suck i'll give her a dummy. Her reply was I don't mind but some of the other mw will. As a first timer I said ok then I won't but really i'm so tired she can't just keep sucking, I need sleep. So I asked for her to be given a bottle. From then on I bottle fed and am glad I did. It meant no exclusive feeding by me and I was paranoid about people seeing me bf, a personal issue and one i'm sure i'd have overcome with time, but don't think you should force yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with.btw once home she also had a dummy.
I am now pg again and i'm not sure what i'll do. If I do bf i'm sure i'll last as pathetically long as I did last time so little one will end up with a bottle.

To reply to the initial post though re why it's so important to some and especially why people get so upset when they can't, surely it is one of things which is personal. I don't think it's really a bf/bottle issue but rather something you've set your heart on and can't do. Like everything in life if you decide you really want something then you get extremely upset when you can't do it or have it.

Ooo and my mother bf me and my sister and brother (I didn't ask but brother is 7 years younger so saw her doing it) and i'd say we are working class. Also, my sister and brother both have hayfever so IMO(whatever that's worth) is that if you are going to have health problems you will get them whether you are bf or not.