Page 2 | Breastfeeding - I don't get it

welliemum · 08/02/2007 01:50

Have to say though, that you're unlikely to get much help with your query from the people who tried to breastfeed and couldn't.

The tone of your OP was far too lighthearted for what is actually a deeply emotive experience and I suspect that anyone in that sad position will find your post too hurtful to want to reply. That may not have been your intention but that's how I read it.

And I thought I'd seen most things on mumsnet, but seeing breastfeeding referred to as repulsive has got to be a first.

WriggleJiggle · 08/02/2007 02:01

The most fustrating bit. Viewing b/f as completely natural and normal, so being fustrated at how come it is so difficult to get right. And of course that view turning into 'I must be really rubbish at being a mum cos I can't even manage to feed my child'.

Also fustrating because dh didn't understand how it could hurt so much or be so difficult.

And feeding in bed in the middle of the night felt so lonely cos I was so tired.

Having said all that I love b/f now (dd 9 mths), and will definately try and b/f next one.

Don't know if that answered any of your questions.

WriggleJiggle · 08/02/2007 02:11

Sorry you seem to be taking so many bullets Crystalpony. Personally I found it an interesting question to try and answer, and I can understand why you'd ask it. Just a shame what could have been a very interesting thread is now going to turn into a fight.

macneil · 08/02/2007 02:19

I felt wretched when I couldn't - sad and guilty, cried every day, still cry. Guilty because I was giving my daughter something that wasn't as good for her, and because I felt it was my fault because my nipples were the wrong shape and I wasn't doing it right. Every time I tried she screamed, and making your baby scream feels pretty awful. And then you start feeling like it's something you're doing for your own neurotic obsessive reasons, and that everyone around you, your husband, your mum etc, thinks you're just being selfish for wanting to try when the baby is so obviously REALLY happy with formula.

So why did I keep worrying about it and trying for so long if I thought it possible that was what people who also really love her would think about me? Apart from the fear that formula is worse for her? I'll be totally honest: it was also the feeling that I somehow wasn't any different from anyone else who gave her a bottle. I didn't want her to love me more than my husband, but I wanted her to know I was her mother and I gave her something no one else did. I think that sounds a bit ridiculous, but it's how I felt. And I can't explain the biggest reason of them all - there was some kind of physical urge to, I can't put it better than that, I just thought it would be really nice, me and her lying together and kind of yearned to do it. And finally, because I am really still a bit neurotic about the health benefits, because it would save me over 3 hours a day that I spend expressing milk, and getting up and out of bed to warm formula is harder than leaning over and taking my baby out of the co-sleeper cot and putting her to my breast. But if I switched to all formula, I'd drop that in a second, so I have the time consuming faffing around AND still give mostly formula, which seems like a pretty stupid arrangement.

hercules1 · 08/02/2007 06:47

Becaues it is the normal physiological way to feed a child, gives oodles of things formula cannot get within a mile of e.g growth hormones, it adapts to suit your child and any illnesses around, it gives lifelong protection for mother and child, it can help prevent some nasties, it is alwways there warm and on tap, it is comforting and calming, I dont have to worry about what things are in it. That's for starters.

hercules1 · 08/02/2007 06:49

I also dont buy into the whole breasts are for men and page 3 thing so I dont personally find it repulsive. I want my kids to see me breastfeeding and have a healthy attitude to breasts, to accept it as being part of life and not something that repulses.

aviatrix · 08/02/2007 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 08/02/2007 07:37

The OP isn't very delicately put, at all. You know this is a very emotional subject, you know people get upset about these things, but you glibly say that the thought of breastfeeding repulses you and your friends.

People get pretty upset about their failure to have a natural birth, too (myself included). People get firm ideas of how they'd like to do things, and if things don't go the way they want, they get upset, blame themselves, etc etc.

But feeding your baby, unlike getting your baby out of your uterus, is something you do for months and months, so the guilt and upset goes on a lot longer.

TravellingontheClaphamOmnibus · 08/02/2007 07:57

I'm sitting here breastfeeding my 4 month old son.

I like to think I'm reasonably able to understand different points of view, but I really fail to see what is repulsive about breastfeeding.

Perhaps the OP could explain her point of view further?

PoppiesMum · 08/02/2007 07:57

Crystalpony - this is an emotive subject, and while you say that you were seeking others explanations, if you use mn regularly, you can't deny that some of your comments will be seen as somewhat inflammatory.

I b/f my dd simply because I believed it was the best thing to do for her. After looking after myself during my pg and taking care of what I ate and drank, it seemed logical to continue to do the best for her in terms of what she ate / drank for as long as I could.

I didn't find it easy at first - it is a new skill to learn afterall - but I am so proud of myself for sticking with it until she was 8 months.

I don't judge anyone who choses not to b/f. I just waned to know I had done everything I could in her first few months to give her the best start in life.

WeaselMum · 08/02/2007 08:04

crystalpony

You seem to have two questions:

"Can someone explain to me in simple terms why it's so important to them and so frustrating when it doesn't go as planned?"

I think that's been answered in previous posts - though I don't think there is a universal answer here tbh - some women will struggle with their feelings to a huge extent and some won't.

"Is there some kind of though on here that if you don't you're a bad and neglectful mother because there seems to be a general undercurrent of shame if you haven't managed to (or chose not to) breastfeed for whatever reason?"

If by "on here" you mean Mumsnet - the short answer is no, there isn't.

macneil · 08/02/2007 08:09

I didn't find the OP offensive because a) if you're breastfeeding, you know, you're doing really well, you're saving money and time and you must be quite happy about it for obvious reasons, and for people like me who aren't able to breastfeed, it's kind of nice when people say well what is all the fuss about anyway, because I'd rather feel that I was being a bit hysterical over nothing than that I was obviously depriving my child.

Which is obviously what I think I'm doing.

And it doesn't matter, really, that I may be correct, it's still fine to hear people who are perplexed by it all.

Similarly, I'm always perplexed by women who couldn't give birth vaginally and had to have c-sections and feel the same guilt I feel about the breast, about that. I had to have a c-section and am frustrated that a lot of the problems she has are typically more common amongst early babies of c-sections, but I genuinely can't feel that the birth method is a cause for being guilty/disappointed, it's such a tiny part of the child's life.

macneil · 08/02/2007 08:09

Oh, apparently I didn't have a b).

jabberwocky · 08/02/2007 08:21

Sorry but LOL at the cyanide/ mouldy comment. I've been around lomg enough to get why the OP inserted that.

I find this an interesting questiom b/c my 28 year old niece said basically the same thing over Christmas.

It's hard to answer though b/c bfing is just so primal for some of us. I failed w/ ds1 and wound up expressing. Even with that I was proud of the fact that there was one thing that only I could do for him IYKWIM. It took 8 long weeks to get things going w/ ds2. Lonely going as I had little support from anyone. But I have found it extremely satisfying and am a bit wistful that it did not go like this w/ ds1.

My mother gave birth in an era where no one bf. She has really gone thru an emoional time of it watching me w/ my boys and tremendous feelings of regret surfaced for her. I felt really as I certainly would never want to make her feel that way. I keep reminding her that she had no support whatsoever at the time but it doesn't seem to help her feelings.

She is 72 btw...

determination · 08/02/2007 08:22

For some reason hen reading this;

I can't get my head around the emotive issue of breastfeeding. I didn't breastfeed - quite frankly the thought of doing it repulsed me and the majority of my friends also feel and felt the same way. This doesn't reflect my opinion of others doing it - each to their own - but I just can't reconcile the desperate feeling the some MNers have about not being able to do it adequately....

I bottle fed my baby - and before there are any comparisons to me bottle feeding her by the more dramative types - ie that I might have well just have fed her cyanide or mouldy chicken nuggets etc. - and I bonded to her no probs, never felt I had missed out.

Can someone explain to me in simple terms why it's so important to them and so frustrating when it doesn't go as planned? Is there some kind of though on here that if you don't you're a bad and neglectful mother because there seems to be a general undercurrent of shame if you haven't managed to (or chose not to) breastfeed for whatever reason?

Thanks

I SMELL FISH and cannot trust that it is actually a TRUE, HONEST query... surely people ain't that dense!

I ain't answering....

Olihan · 08/02/2007 08:22

I'd also be interested to know what it is about bf that is 'repulsive' to you?

For me, bf is the next step on from pg. My body grew and nourished my baby inside, and it carries on that process once my baby is born. That's what it's designed to do.

I did fail to bf my first 2 dcs and, despite all the reassurances, I do feel very much as if I failed because my body couldn't do what it was designed to do. DS2 is now 6 weeks old and I am starting to think that bf will be successful this time. It's taken 2 bfcs and lots of support from MN to get me this far but I finally feel as though I am fulfilling my whole role as a mother.

The guilt I feel over ffing ds1 and dd is still there, possibly more so as I now feel as though I didn't do enough to try and make bf work with them. But that's my perception of it, I want to do the best for my children and there is no doubt that bm is by far the best. It's not a rational feeling or something that's possible to understand if you never wanted to bf, I don't think.

Jenniebibs · 08/02/2007 08:46

Speaking as a mum2B I can say that if bf doesn't work out I will feel truly truly terrible, but my family is a special case as we have a history of Crohn's disease. My dh wasn't breastfed and nor was his brother and they both developed this horrible condition.

Lots of medical studies have found that exclusive bf for at least the first 5 months significantly reduces the risk of developing inflammatory bowel diseases which are becoming more and more common in Western societies.

It's an auto immune problem and formula milk just cannot provide the protection against that. If my LO has a genetic predisposition then I've got to do everything I can to help protect her.

I'm not saying this is a big risk for every LO, I wasn't bf myself and I'm in good health touch wood, same with lots of my friends.

I don't want to be judgemental about how a mother decides to feed, but to be honest I can't help question it when women just say it's 'repulsive' and don't bother try. I've even heard women say it's 'unnatural'!! I mean it is our culture that has persuaded us to think that way and to think that breasts are just for sex.

We are all brainwashed to some extent and I've had to come to terms with it myself, after all I want to please my man as well as my baby and I don't want to think of myself as Daisy the Cow. But TBH I don't want to be suckered in blindly by the culture I happen to live in, I want to think for myself. Breasts are for sex as well as babies and we need to get our heads round that, and so do our men! and TBH they are much more practical use to babbies than to any bloke. It's biologically obvious!

I know I'm going to offend lots of women by saying this but I can't help thinking that if you feel that bf is gross then you should look long and hard at WHY you feel that way.

Sorry if I've offended anyone but just being honest. It's already been pretty heated on this thread so I'm not too worried about destroying the atmos

belgo · 08/02/2007 08:49

crystal pony, you may not 'get' breastfeeding, but I don't 'get' why you find bf repulsive - can you explain that to me please?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/02/2007 09:05

Nope. I've read it again, and I stand by my comments last night. Although admittedly, NQC phrased it much better than I did.

You, the OP, may not like my distaste for your thread or your phrasing of your OP. But, I'm not questionning your repulse at b/feeding your own child, that you squeezed out your own fanjo, am I? Surely I'm entitled to express my distaste as much as you?

That said, it is important for people to understand why it's such an emotive issue. Although I dont get why people dont understand why it is so.

welliemum · 08/02/2007 09:23

I think it's an important question, but tactlessly phrased in the OP.

tiktok · 08/02/2007 09:24

macneil - have a look at the 'OMG' thread in this folder for a discussion on why you might feel the way you do.

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/02/2007 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiktok · 08/02/2007 09:34

crystalpony - I think it's an interesting question you raise in your OP, and I am going to put an amateur shrink's hat on to answer it

Your strong feelings about how you would not like to breastfeed, and your would-be light-hearted and very over-the-top 'cyanide' comment make me think. Is there something in you that would, actually, like to feel strongly for breastfeeding?

There's something in your heart that makes you wonder if you are, perhaps, missing out - what is it, you wonder, that makes you feel so revolted about doing something that other people desire so much?

Are you a bit envious of that desire to breastfeed - and maybe a bit scared of it as well?

I am not being critical of you in any way - none of us is responsible for the emotional baggage we bring to adulthood, and there may be something about breasts and bodies that affects your feelings in a way you don't particularly want to share on mumsnet.

But given the fact that our female bodies have breastfed for a gazillion years, and everything about our physiology and hormones ( in us and in the baby) are geared to experience the breastfeeding relationship, something has to have happened to someone somehow to feel actively revolted by the idea.....I don't want to sound patronising, and as I say I am just guessing as an amateur shrink!!

What do you think?

melsy · 08/02/2007 09:36

ok I cant face reading this thread to be honest , but I get the gist.

How can one NOT agree with BF is what I cant get my head around.How can u disagree with something natural ???

Anywhooo, critcising someone who cant or doesn't want to bf is just as bad being negative to someone who bottle feeds. No one can really sit in judgment as none of us walk in each others shoes & dont have our life experiences that have led us one way or the other.

I mixed fed so Im not biased either way. I like to think Ive given dd2 some health benefits, but hey shes still had thrush, colds, tummy upset & now possibly ear ache!!! All the things its supposed to prevent or reduce.

melsy · 08/02/2007 09:37

great post tiktok