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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Tandem feeding support thread

328 replies

EauRouge · 30/09/2011 10:09

In anticipation of some graduates from the BF and pregnant thread, here's a shiny new thread for tandem feeders to laugh, moan and puzzle over the ins and outs of BF a baby and toddler.

Things are going pretty well for us, we are having a bit of hair-pulling at the moment though. DD2 is 7 mo and loves grabbing hair. DD1 (3 in just over a week!) is not so keen and sometimes wraps her arms around her head.

Another issue is DD1's latch. She's not even close to self-weaning but her latch has been really lazy the last few months. I googled and found this which has been really helpful.

Aside from that, things are brilliant and I'm really glad I'm still BF DD1. It's my one-stop parenting tool for fixing everything Grin

OP posts:
DitaVonCheese · 18/12/2011 20:53

Thanks Eau :) Started reading MYNT but it just made me feel guilty for wanting to wean! Blush

hohohEauRouge · 18/12/2011 21:01

It's worth persevering with it, it's got some good stuff about weaning in there. Why is it that you feel guilty about wanting to wean? Would you say you are having pretty mixed feelings or are you thinking most about weaning?

If there is any part of your BFC training that deals with reflecting on your own parenting experiences then it might be an idea to bring this up with whoever is doing your training, it's nice to have someone experienced to bounce ideas off and sorting out unresolved feelings should make it easier for you when you're listening to other mothers who are going through the same thing.

TheRealMBJ · 18/12/2011 21:05

I second Eau in persevering with MYNT. It really didn't give me the impression that I have to love every second of bf. also agree with speaking to your mentor, these are totally normal emotions.

organiccarrotcake · 18/12/2011 21:14

dita who're you training with? I'm training with ABM. Hope to complete by the end of next year including a sabbatical for DC3 due May, but that will be a tough slog!

Thanks all for the co-sleeping info. I was thinking it would need to be DC3 between me and the edge of the bed, and DS2 between me and DH, or DH and his side. We have a small toddler bed that we're going to try to put next to our bed too, as that would be nice if he settled in that.

We have a monster bed fortunately (US Californian King which is about 7 feet wide) which my husband bought before we met, when he lived in the US, and when he was single Grin. Forward thinking, sweetheart.

TheRealMBJ · 18/12/2011 21:22

OCC, I didn't realise you had 2 DC already. Thought you just had the one DS.

You really will be working hard to finish training by the end of next year Smile. I'm not even contemplating completion by then. But then I'm pretty lazy Grin

DitaVonCheese · 18/12/2011 23:39

Sorry, was juggling baby before so short message! MYNT made me feel bad because it had so much about what a wonderful thing term bfing was and all the horrible ways in which people wean too abruptly eg going away for a weekend so the nursee has to go cold turkey (I've been away for 2 x 3 days since then but she seems okay). I think I am pretty unconflicted, I just want her to wean hersefl! And I really hope I'm not bfing DS into toddlerdom Blush :( I think I pretty much hate bfing DD all the time, I just don't know how to wean her without breaking her heart :(

Training with NCT so there is loads of self-reflection. I did bring it up during a listening exercise a couple of months ago as we do a lot of real play, but didn't want ot get too much into it as didn't want to sob in class! I should probably call one of the helplines and talk it through with someone.

Picking a time could work. DS is six months at the end of Jan so will be starting solids then so perhaps bfing generally will calm down a bit. DD will also be doing 2.5 days at preschool from Jan (currently 1.5) so maybe that will help too (though dreading it atm as she's so clingy :().

'k baby now boucning on me again and yowling so better go! Sorry to be so me me me Blush

hohohEauRouge · 19/12/2011 08:25

Don't worry, the whole point of a support thread is to support each other :)

Talking to another BFC is a great idea and it sounds like you've already planned in your mind a strategy for weaning so you could talk through it.

It's often said that BF is a relationship between 2 people and it's OK to continue if both parties are happy. Consider what would happen if you carried on even though you didn't want to- do you think you would end up resenting your DD? Might she pick up on it? Maybe things would change and you might enjoy it again, maybe not. Have a good chat through everything, hopefully it will help you feel better about your decision.

organiccarrotcake · 19/12/2011 08:40

Actually I think it's said quite a lot in MYNT about both parties being happy IIRC. It's a relationship, a two-way thing with two people involved.

MBJ Yes, two sons, 7yrs and 18m. I know I'm pushing it for the end of next year but having a target helps Grin.

KellyKettle · 19/12/2011 17:30

Dita we can discuss it over cake tomorrow if you like? I am only half way through my BFC training but I do understand your feelings.

I'm not sure who said it but the thing about others not getting it. Yes, that makes it even harder IMO.

My HV told me I had to stop letting DS1 fall asleep on the breast because it was making her clingy to me and mean she wouldn't fall asleep with others. I explained that she slept over at my mums without problem, it's just how she prefers to fall asleep with me.

I didn't challenge her Eau but I know I should have done.

Short msg from phone again. DD1 upset so must dash x

hohohEauRouge · 19/12/2011 17:44

It can be hard to challenge them, especially if they come across as authoritative and disapproving. A lot of times if you want to get rid of them then it's easier to smile and nod as you show them the door Grin Just do whatever works best. When you've completed your training she might be more willing to listen.

So, is everyone on this thread training to be a BFC? Grin

KellyKettle · 19/12/2011 19:38

Haha! I was thinking that. I considered stopping training actually, I felt so sick of bf and night weaning that the thought of talking to bf mothers filled me with dread.

I think the HV has done me a favour, she made me want to complete my training and support local mums. Maybe I'll invite her along to my first meeting Smile

Does anyone else feel like growth spurts pass them by? DD2 is 9 weeks but I haven't noticed any growth spurt type behaviour.

She is less colicky but doesn't like to feed to sleep like DD1 did. She has quite few crying spells in the day and she acts like she wants to feed but just gets more annoyed the more I wave my nipple near her face. Once I lift her up onto my shoulder or lie her on the bed she calms down. It's so confusing.

Eau sorry I do owe you a message I just cant reply from my phone and we are still on 3G in our new house which is "worse than dial up" according to DH. I can't get it to work.

My phone bill is going to be huge!

TheRealMBJ · 19/12/2011 21:22

Grin I am I training too Grin but it has completely stalled now that I have a new one.

Am going to have to go . DH struggling with bed time.

greensnail · 20/12/2011 07:01

Kelly, your dd2 sounds like mine. I used to find it very confusing that milk wasn't the answer to all her problems the way it was for dd1.

I'm not training to be a bfc. Should I leave the thread?

KellyKettle · 20/12/2011 08:29

snail you should train! Smile You're very wise. Did you ever make it an LLL meeting when you moved?

ScroogeHadAGoodPoint · 21/12/2011 16:21

Hello Grin Thanks MBJ for the invite over here - though I think I may have been on a previous such thread under a previous username! And no, I'm not training to be a BFC either...

TheRealMBJ · 21/12/2011 16:24

GrinGrin

Well, we can't all be perfect Wink

greensnail · 22/12/2011 15:11

You keep telling me I'm wise kelly, but I really don't feel it!

Still not made it to a meeting, should make it my new year's revolution

TheRealMBJ · 22/12/2011 15:21

I wonder how Moon is doing?

KellyKettle · 29/12/2011 08:52

Good Christmas everyone?

We had a nice time - we all had colds at some point but all fine now. DD1 passed out at 6pm on Christmas Eve so missed all the new traditions (oxymoron?) that I'd planned. DH just put her pjs on and put her in bed.

Had a few comments from MIL about cosleeping/feeding DD1 and frequency of feeding DD2 ("she can't be due another feed, what's the matter with her?"). But, after 3 years I'm kind of used to it so it didn't spoil anything.

DD1 & I still have our bedtime routine of cuddling and chatting in bed before she has milk and goes to sleep while DH cuddles DD2 in the lounge. I always ask her what her favourite thing was about the day - her answers always make me smile.

One night before bed she stopped feeding, said "I've had enough milks haven't I mummy? Will you tell me about school again and give me a cuddle?". So I cuddled her to sleep and told her about "school" (she starts pre-school next week and is very excited!). Very weird not feeding her to sleep. I've never known her to have enough milk, she'd usually suckle if she wasn't drinking and fall asleep. I was tempted to put it as my FB status but most people probably don't know we're still feeding so they'd be rather Xmas Shock

Do you tell people you're tandem feeding?

HV has been back and seems to have brushed up on her tandem/toddler feeding knowledge which was nice.

Any news years resolutions? Our are all money related really, quite boring.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!

hohohEauRouge · 29/12/2011 09:04

Glad you had a nice Christmas :) Ours was lovely too, I'm glad it's all over though!

Your bedtime routine sounds a lot like ours although some nights if we're all tired then all three of us (DDs and I) will go to bed at the same time. DD1 sometimes fall asleep at the breast, sometimes not. DD2 rarely does, she feeds and feeds and then very dramatically throws herself across the bed towards DH Grin she's very much a daddy's girl.

I don't tend to tell people that I'm tandem feeding unless it comes up in conversation. I don't hide it but don't shout about it either IYSWIM. DD1 will sometimes ask for 'booby' very loudly but I don't know if people guess. I think some people have a mental block when it comes to toddler BF and just pretend that it doesn't happen.

I have made a couple of NY resolutions, I don't normally but when DD2 was born we got into a bad habit of watching too much TV so I'd like to cut down. Also I'm in the process of setting up a new BF group so I'll be busy with that.

DitaVonCheese · 03/01/2012 22:00

Hello all, happy new year! Slightly jealous of your early Christmas Eve Kelly - did you have an early start too? We were up at half five so spent most of the day exhausted and stressed. Ah well - DD enjoyed it anyway.

Love your story about DD going to sleep and being all excited about school. My DD is very much out of love with school at the moment, which is hard work. Oh, and still in love with boob, which is also hard work. I don't tend to tell people that we're tandeming unless they ask us directly, though I did inadvertently out myself on FB a few weeks ago. Oopsy. Last night she wanted to kiss both my breasts goodnight "on their little noses". That's another one I've not shared with FB ...

No resolutions here. I was rubbish at NYE, the whole thing kind of snuck up on me and I more or less failed to notice it was happening - despite it being the anniversary of DH and I getting together and him proposing to me Blush

I need some help with night weaning. We initially night-weaned DD about a year ago so I could get pg again and it took about three days and was surprisingly easy (although to be fair it did involve me moving to the spare room for a few months - but no crying, and I got sleep yay). Since then she has moved to her own room, again fairly seamlessly, but tends to come in with us first thing in the morning. Over the past few months though, "first thing in the morning" has been all over the place, from 1 am to 7 am, and a couple of times she's confused me into feeding her in the night just because I have no idea what time it is Blush So I've been trying to re-night-wean in the hopes she will start sleeping through again.

Last night was horrific. She was awake from 4.30 am to 6.30 am, pretty much crying for boob the entire time. At 6.30 am we agreed we'd set an alarm for 7.30 and we all went to sleep (and the alarm didn't actually go off, or if it did we all slept through it). Generally for the last week or so the two DC have been tag-teaming each other - seems to be impossible for them to be asleep at the same time at night. Argh. Thank god DH has had this week off so we've been taking turns to have lie-ins.

The only solutions I could think of last night involved the three of us lying in our bed listening to her crying alone in hers, which didn't appeal. I've just suggested to DH that he and she move to the spare room for a while, so she's not on her own, which might work.

I want to do it because I think that the consistency would help, but then listening to her crying last night I couldn't help wondering whether it was the right thing and being flexible would be better? :( I just don't want to confuse her (it's hard enough trying to explain when it's night/morning when it's equally dark outside both times) ... And sometimes boob does just knock her right out, which is fab, because then we all sleep, but lots of the time it doesn't, it just turns into an hour long feeding session with me awake and resentful and her crying every time I unlatch her. Argh.

Last question before I end this looooong me me me (again) rant Blush I've more or less ended up allocating DS and DD a boob each. The side DD has was much much more painful while I was pregnant. I've now realised that it's also much more sensitive/uncomfortable/just downright toe-curling (it's a hard sensation to describe) because I notice the difference when DS is on that side too, despite his gentler suck/lack of teeth/unlikelihood to be watching CBeebies at the same time. Any idea why I should be getting different sensations in each side? It's baffled me a bit.

EauRouge · 04/01/2012 09:52

Hi Dita- I get different sensations on both sides. As much as I love to stare in the mirror and imagine I'm physically perfect, my breasts are slightly different sizes and shapes. Only slightly though Wink and I suppose this makes all the difference. When DD1 was younger it was more comfortable feeding her from the right, but now she prefers the left. Have you any other symptoms? It could just be a simple positioning issue.

Sorry to hear you're not getting much sleep :( it's awful when they tag team you, so so exhausting and you end up resenting them both all day long. A friend of mine is experimenting with one of these for her 16 mo, might be worth a go? You could say that it's not morning until the picture of the sun appears. Perhaps you could print out a different picture every night and leave it out for her to colour in if she wakes up early, or some other activity to keep her occupied.

OP posts:
TheRealMBJ · 04/01/2012 18:54

Hi all. Smile have been thinking about this thread a lot today. So glad it has been resurrected. Sorry to hear about your sleep Dita. We had a night like that on the 30th I had about 2 hours of broken sleep Sad Miserable.

Anyway... I've had it. Really, I hate feeding DS. Sad I know he needs it because when he really wants to nurse nothing else will do. Not food (not even cake Grin), or a drink, or a cuddle and a story, or a game NOTHING. I'm miserable when feeding him and have found myself fantasising about him weaning. I have even considered leaving him with his GPs this weekend when DH (and DD) and I go to London.

I'm not going to though because it would be way too distressing for him. He doesn't sleep through yet and needs me at night and as we would be taking DD it will seem like a worse rejection.Sad

Give me strength to be gentle please

DitaVonCheese · 05/01/2012 22:23

Oh MBJ :( I could have written your post more or less, so no words of wisdom from me I'm afraid but I hear you. How old is your DS? Which bit are you finding hard? For me I mainly loathe the physical sensation of nursing DD (DS isn't so bad) but also how demanding she is.

Thanks Eau - I suppose it does make a difference that they're not identical, I just don't remember noticing a difference when I was just feeding DD. No other symptoms, just increased sensitivity. Think it was the same side I had a blistery thing on when DD was four months so not sure whether it's trauma from that (3 years on!) or that side is just a bit crap or what. Odd.

Night after my last post DD slept until 7 am and we were all happy, then last night I went to bed at 1.30, couldn't sleep, then she came in at 2.30 and we had some more crying etc :( but on the plus side nowhere near as bad as other night so perhaps she's accepting it. Still not sure I'm doing the right thing :( plus is v hard when still feeding DS at night. Sigh.

TheRealMBJ · 06/01/2012 06:54

He is 2 Dita so still a baby really Sad DD is 10 weeks old now. I do think a to of it is the fact that I feel out of control with him. He is soooooooooo demanding and so distressed when I don't let him nurse that I feel a bit like I am a prisoner to his desires IYKWIM. I have set limits and will one nurse him 4 times a day. The rest of the day I try et away with distraction etc, but a lot of the time just have to watch him cry Sad. I do explain to him that I love him and that I will feed him when I said I will (and I always do) and he seems to be getting it. Slowly.

Another part of the problem is that I don't feel that DD is getting enough individual attention. DS gets plenty when she is asleep in ther Moses basket but she gets very little as I really feel. Like I need to get on with stuff during DS's nap and when he has gone to bed I have supper to cook and admin to do etc . She does cluster a bit in the evenings, and I fit things around her, but still...

When DS was this little I spend hours just staring at him/playing with him

I know it isn't true but sometimes I do wonder whether my life would be easier if I had been a more 'traditional' parent Sad