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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH wants me to stop bf

197 replies

TheBigZing · 01/12/2010 23:41

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made Hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

OP posts:
MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 02/12/2010 20:41

Think defineme is on to something there. There is clearly a bigger issue at stake.

I doubt stopping bf would reslolve it.

No way I would stop bf because any one else (dh inc) felt "left out".

Yes it is mystical to me.

It has been the most empowering thing I have ever done.

To know that, come what may, I can provide for my baby.

No dependancy on men bring home the wages.

No dependancy on the shops being open.

No dependancy on the bottles being clean, or finding the time to clean them.

Just me boobs. Churning out magical super goodness.

Xmas Grin
winnybella · 02/12/2010 20:43

Yes, I think perhaps defineme is right.

And TruthSweet- the child in all probability would want to spend time with her mum after she hasn't seen her for whole day anyway. Would OP's dh get upset about that as well?

winnybella · 02/12/2010 20:43

I meant that TruthSweet is right, as well.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:48

If you as a parent had a sure fire way to comfort a fractious, bewildered (and toddlers must find the world overwhelming at times), overstimulated or upset child which had also health benefits why would you NOT use it. Even if the other parent (who can presumably put his or her needs on hold for a bit -- toddlers tend not to be on the breast 18 hours out of 24 like newborns) has objections, wouldn't you still go for it?

I really think I'd err on the side of the child here.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/12/2010 21:01

Expressing isn't going to help because there is more to breastfeeding than just the nutrition, especially with an older child. My eldest wouldn't drink EBM, I offered her some once and she looked horrified, she doesn't even realise that's what it's about.

My OH doesn't have a problem with my daughters loaning my breasts when he's not. I'm tandeming and pregnant, says it all really!

RobynLou, that?s brilliant! Plenty of parts of our bodies are multifunctional, kissing my children doesn?t mean I can?t... kiss him either. My body belongs to me and I just loan it out occasionally.

Drivingmisscrazy, as I said in another post, milk banks don?t just supply to babies, they also supply to people who are too sick to get any other nutrition. Breast milk is the perfectly balanced meal with immunities whatever age you are, it doesn?t lose it?s benefits after 24 months.

weasle · 02/12/2010 21:06

OP - I posted a thread with almost the same title a few months ago here

and a follow up about how bad it was going [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/1046884-Weaned-2-9yo-now-won-t-sleep here]]

3 months on, I am still angry about it. OK, DH didn't make me give up, but he made things so unpleasant i felt i had no choice. We have made some progress with bed time, which was the only time he bf, but some nights it can still take hours to settle him. last week one bedtime in desperation i tried to bf him and he has forgotten how to latch. i am crying now thinking of it!

i have talked to ds (now almost 3) about bf, and he is a bit strange about it, i think the way it was stopped has affected him badly, i can't really explain it. he used to love bf and say it was so yummy, better then ice cream, and now i ask him (when i was bf ds3) if he liked having it as a baby he runs away. The look on his face when i offered it the other day, but he didn't of course get any, made me so sad about what i had taken away from him.

Sorry, i don't think i have been any help to you TBZ. But i can imagine how you feel and i'm so sorry that someone else has been put in that position by their dh. 2 year old have whiney days, how ever they are fed, and you may find stopping bf doesn't change that!

i intend to let ds3 choose when to stop, not my dh.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:11

Is this what happens when a couple of generations of women get convinced not to breastfeed their children?

The ones who rediscover it become like mad converts?

I don't think there was a break in my maternal breast feeding line. Nobody in my family goes on about weird magical bullshit. We just feed our children and are done with it.

Don't most mammals start to push their young away when they're big enough to fend for themselves and find other food?

Is it really so natural to wait until the child weans themselves?

Not that I really care if it is. I loathed being groped by DD1 when she was a toddler. Feeding stopped being about food, or comfort, or closeness and started feeling like a full-on assault by an obsessive. Which it pretty much was.

I can quite see that DH might have thought "oh ffs, can you just stop that?" if he'd had to witness it for a whole year.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thesecondcoming · 02/12/2010 21:15

This reply has been deleted

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TruthSweet · 02/12/2010 21:21

spidookly - that's low, really low. weasle opens up about how she was pressured into weaning by her DH and how bad it made her feel and the negative effect on her DS and you mock her for trying to see if the weaning was permanent? Shock

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 21:22

that's unpleasant spidookly

'grope' 'assault' 'loathed' 'mad converts'

says it all

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:23

Sorry, you're right. Apologies Weasel, I hadn't read your post properly and didn't understand what you were trying to do. :(

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 21:26

"Don't most mammals start to push their young away when they're big enough to fend for themselves and find other food?"

humans are not "most mammals" and we form lifelong relationships with our offspring (not saying all non-humans don't)

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:28

"'grope' 'assault' 'loathed'"

Those are MY words for how BFing a toddler made ME feel.

Or must we all think it's some kind of stairway to heaven?

Anyway, all of those words were said with a big grin on my face because I find a lot of breastfeeding experiences hilarious.

Having a toddler shake their head between your boobs in Weird Science stylee isn't magical, it's funny, and undignified and more than faintly ridiculous.

Being all po-faced about it like it's the most serious and important thing in the world is bonkers. It really is.

More important than birth? FFS :o

RumourOfAHurricane · 02/12/2010 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:29

Right, so we're into what other mammals do when it justifies "term" feeding, but not when it doesn't?

Just so I'm clear.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/12/2010 21:30

I've heard of many toddlers going back to it after an absence of a long time, there's nothing wrong with offering it, especially in this situation where he was obviously traumatised by not having it.

WRT age of weaning, someone posted the Kathy Dettwyler study further up where she looked at the biological age for weaning (when other primates would be converted into human years) and the answer is between 3 and 7 depending on the primate. I would be interested to see it compared to marsupials as they're the only mammal who have babies earlier than us.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 21:31

a dummy isn't a substitute for b/feeding and i'd hazard it would be very hard to substitute a dummy in a hitherto b/fed 2 year old.

weasle · 02/12/2010 21:31

no spidookly, perhaps i didn't explain well, i'm sorry, as i said i was crying thinking about it all.

ds2 is not yet 3.

he ran away previously when i was TALKING to him about bf - 'do you remember having mummy milk when you were a baby like ds3'

i stopped feeding him 3 months ago, and since then he has fed 2 or 3 times when bedtime has been particularly bad.

last week at a difficult time i said do you want mummy milk and he was very happy, jumped into bed and said really mummy? oh thank you - but then couldn't latch. then i was sad but he just seemed a bit disappointed 'no milk there mummy' and went to sleep.

i do know of children who have had quite a gap then started feeding again perhaps when a sibling has arrived so i think it isn't impossible, nor as terrible a thing as you suggested spidookly.

i'm sorry i posted as this is still an emotional subject for me but i thought the OP might be interested in my POV.

(And no, i think introducing a dummy now would be madness.)

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 21:34

Spidookly, that was totally uncalled for. Really cruel.

Weasel, I hope you're okay. x

TruthSweet · 02/12/2010 21:35

Spidookly - Have a look here. It's about gorillas and their young (close to humans as you can get with out being an ape). They don't push their babies away or attack them to leave the nest. We are (with gorillas and apes) higher order mammals after allGrin.

Longtalljosie · 02/12/2010 21:35

@Suziehomemaker
"all three DCs are relieved to now relieved to know that they were formula fed. If you do breast feed, dont expect to be thanked later!"

But you put them straight, right? You explained there was nothing wierd or odd about it, that it was totally normal?

No, thought not Hmm

spidookly · 02/12/2010 21:36

Please don't apologise weasel :(

I am so so sorry I wrote that. I didn't read your post properly, which is no excuse. At all. But I hadn't realised what you were saying or how upset you were. But that wasn't because it wasn't clear, it's because I'm an asshole.

I've asked for the post to be deleted, so hopefully it will be soon.

I'm also genuinely sad for you that you felt forced to give up BFing. For all my flippancy about it, I don't think anyone should ever be put in that situation and of course it upset you.

weasle · 02/12/2010 21:51

thank you for apologising spidookly, and thanks to others for your nice words, it helps.

yes josie, i'm sure most teenagers are uncomfortable discussing anything to do with conception/birth/infancy, it doesn't mean we should base decisions on childcare because of that. Family hilarity about dh frequently pooing in the bath as a baby embarrassed him for years, but he still likes a bath Smile

ArthurPewty · 02/12/2010 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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