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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH wants me to stop bf

197 replies

TheBigZing · 01/12/2010 23:41

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made Hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

OP posts:
TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 01:13

She's 13!

so I am again worst mother in the world for a whole different set of reasons! y'know, like making her clean her room, etc. Grin

Sakura · 02/12/2010 01:15

PamelFlitton But your first question would have to be: Why does it bother him?

And in most cases the answer will be: jealousy

I think a mature man would take his cue to step back and not impose himself on the mother-baby relationship, because this time for closeness between a woman and her baby really is so very fleeting

Sakura · 02/12/2010 01:16

TanteRose Mine is 4, and she still remembers BF! It astounds me, she talks about it with nostalgia. She was one when I gave up FGS.

PamelaFlitton · 02/12/2010 01:18

Sakura, I want him to be a 50-50 partner in raising our child and to feel like it, so if he feels excluded/jealous or whatever then to me that is an issue worth taking seriously. I don't think it's helpful to dismiss his feelings as if he was nothing to do with the baby.

TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 01:20

Sakura, that is lovely! It must have been a very special time for her.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/12/2010 01:38

I am grateful my mum breastfed me. I loved watching her breastfeed my sister.

A dad who doesn't know what to do with a baby other than change a nappy isn't very imaginative! The only look in I got outside of work hours was breastfeeding or when he cooked, OH had them off me the rest of the time and did everything else.

Sounds like he's jealous and his jealousy is not a reason to stop. I would be telling my OH to grow up, fortunately he's very happy with me tandeming through pregnancy. He knows it's good for them and they enjoy it and that really it's none of his business (but he wouldn't worry anyway - he was AP before me).

I really would be reluctant to wean at the moment as it sounds like she's too attached to it and that could make it traumatic for her. Human milk is the perfect meal for humans whatever age they are and it doesn't just turn bad at a particular age (milk banks don't just supply neonatal wards!)

MavisG · 02/12/2010 01:41

My husband's a 50-50 partner too, but that kicked in properly about aged 18 months. That's when our son started elbowing me out the way to get to his dad, or unlatching with a pop! when dad's doing something exciting.

It is hard to be excluded in the beginning, to take on the role primarily of supporting the mother who then supports the child, but this bit doesn't last long. After a while you both get excluded/favoured at different times.

The thing with breastfeeding (IMO) and why your daughter, OP, just wants this when you get in is, it sums up 'Mum' for her, she gets you all at once, cuddles plus nurturing plus warm milk, it's essence of Mum. And of course you'd do stories and cuddles if you didn't bf, but you shouldn't have to switch to that before your child (or you) wants to.

confuddledDOTcom · 02/12/2010 01:45

My OH worked away for the first 8 months of our youngest's life. He was home alternate weekends. When he came in both children would be so excited, I hardly saw them for the whole weekend. Our youngest wasn't on solids until almost a year either!

Apart from supporting mum, he can play with baby, cuddle, bath, take them for a walk...

TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 01:53

yeah, I don't understand the "feeling excluded" thing...

esp. as the OP's DH is a SAHD, so if I were in his shoes (having looked after DC all day) I would be overjoyed when my partner came home, and could immediately connect with DC, and give me a break from the childcare for a few minutes.

the whole point about bf'ing is that it is an instant solution to, well, almost everything! I don't understand why that is a problem! especially as even long-term breastfeeding only lasts a few years...

raising your DCs is 18 years of hard slog joy...why not make it as easy and lovely as possible?

TrailMix · 02/12/2010 02:36

Your DH looks after your DD fulltime, hasn't over-hassled on the BF up to now, sounds a good daddy. So why make him the bad guy in this now? He's got a problem with extended BFing. He's not alone. He's not a loon. I'm all for BFing until the children give up naturally if everyone's happy with it, but he's not happy with it. I think he's earned a say on this one.

ClimberChick · 02/12/2010 02:46

So because DH is jealous he should get his own way Hmm

SuzieHomemaker · 02/12/2010 03:31

Doesnt have to get his own way but is entitled to be listened to.

ClimberChick · 02/12/2010 03:43

well clearly OP has listened to him.

OP only you can deal with your DH and even if you had a thread full of people to wave in his face (which I'm surprised there isn't), it wouldn't make a difference.

My take is that even if you weren't BF, she'd still probably come straight to you and demand attention from you when you're home. She's used to you. With time there will be plenty that DH can do that you can't.

My DH is also a SAHD and I can see it hurts him when she lunges for me (and not to BF, just cuddles), but I know at some point it will be reversed. It will upset me but that will be for me to deal with, not DD or DH.

I hope you get the outcome you want.

PogueMahone · 02/12/2010 04:31

I'm really surprised at the number of posters who are saying you should stop bf.

According to him, his problem with bf is that "it's as if she doesn't see me, just my breasts". That's not really about him, is it? So shouldn't you be the one to decide whether or not you're happy with the way your DD sees you? And "he's sick of hearing her ask for it". Come on! Is he sick of her wanting meals several times a day too?

It's good for your DD, you both enjoy it, why does he want you both to give that up? Is there some other reason? e.g. TTC? Libido?

stickersarecurrency · 02/12/2010 05:16

So let's look at what happens when you stop, to appease your DH. His adult emotions of insecurity and jealousy are eased by your happy little toddler having to suffer the removal of an expected source of comfort and security. Hmm. Why should she endure the confusion and distress of being weaned before she's ready to move on, just to keep your DH happy, when he is a big boy? I wouldn't be able to do it in all conscience. Those who say it's all about the mother fail to grasp how important it is to the child.

I've been in this situation with DP when he was a SAHD and DS was still feeding beyond 2, but the criticisms were less overt. So it was easy to ignore. DS self-weaned a few months after the quiet dissent started. Everybody happy. So, OP, procrastination is your friend Grin

theevildead2 · 02/12/2010 05:59

Sorry, I don't even have kids I'm just pregnant so hanging about the breast feeding threads.

Do you think it might be there are a few reasons why your dh wants you to give up? What as he actually said about why? Do you think it would be a fair compromise to just express from now on? So as to help you and your dd when she does eventually stop milk but also so that your dh can give her the special milk? That way you both still feel the health benefits but that your Dh doesn't feel so left out?

sorry if I'm talking rubbish, it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I've already been up for 2 hours!

FullaDoll · 02/12/2010 06:09

Maybe he just wants to get his sexy wife back? I imagine it would be hard for a guy to see your boobs as anything but functional if you are still breastfeeding.

TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 06:47

FullaDoll please, please tell me you are joking....

FullaDoll · 02/12/2010 06:49

No, I'm not joking, I was just trying to see it from his perspective. That may not be the reason at all. I just thought it might be.

TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 07:03

Gosh, OK, well...

I just can't get my head round the fact that a grown man would see his 2 year old daughter as someone who has "taken his wife away from him" and that his wife is no longer sexy because she is breastfeeding, AND that her boobs are the only thing that makes her sexy, AND that he is entitled to feel this way...

unfortunately, all of the above seem to apply to society today when it comes to bf'ing..Sad

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 08:08

theevildad, expressing is a pita, if there's no urgent need to do it then it's best avoided, the best and most efficient way to bf a child is by bfing, especially at this stage when it's about so much more than just the nutrition

fulladoll, sigh. the fact I use my arse to go to the toilet doesn't stop DH appreciating it's aesthetic qualities, neither does bfing stop him appreciating my breasts. At this stage we're waaay beyond the sensitive slightly leaky breasts that come with the first few weeks/months of bfing.

lowrib · 02/12/2010 08:20

theevildead2 you'll find once you have your baby too, that BF is about more than just the milk. Babies get comfort from it too, which is a great thing. When my DS is ill sometimes he refuses all food and drink, but he'll still BF - he doesn't even really see it as food I think.

MummyBerryJuice · 02/12/2010 08:31

Well, my DH has no problem viewing my boobs as sexual despite me feeding DS. I don't think it is a problem for all men, tbh.

snugglepops · 02/12/2010 08:42

I take issue with men or other relatives who say they feel left out by bf. There are so many other things they can do with and for their children
And as for me I never could be bothered with expressing - especially if the reason was for someone else to feel part of feeding.

Anyhow I'm still bf at 13 months and am considering stopping.

A few posters have said they gave up at 18 months and so on and in hindsight felt they gave up too soon - can they explain why they think this? Thanks

TruthSweet · 02/12/2010 08:45

TheBigZing - judging from your posts it sounds like your DH is feeling like second best to your breasts and by remarking that 'it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem' that he wants you to feel the same way as him. It sounds like he thinks the pecking order in the house is :-

TBZ's Breasts
TBZ
TBZ DH

and he doesn't like it one little bit.

Trouble is that's not really what is happening, what's happening is TBZ comes home and Little Zing drops Daddy like a hot cake to rush to Mummy to cuddle and nurse. Guess what when my DH comes home my 3 DDs rush to him too, DD2 has even stopped nursing to hurl herself at Daddy, DD3 is known to break off nursing at the sound of his voice to see him (though at 13m/o she does go back to feeding once she's seen him). Just to make things clear DH doesn't bf the DDs so they aren't just rushing over for some 'Daddy Milk' but because they miss him.

I'd ask your DH to look into weaning strategies (not so you would wean but for him to see it's not as easy as him saying 'stop bfing DD' and it happening that very minute) and also to think what he would like to happen when you get home from work. What sort of behaviour would he like DD to display and how would you as a family work towards that without forcing your DD to forgo her nursing.

BTW I'd probably tell DH to Fuck off in your shoes BUT satisfying though it may be it's not terribly constructive and may entrench your marriage into a battleground mentality and that's not conducive to a happy familySmile