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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH wants me to stop bf

197 replies

TheBigZing · 01/12/2010 23:41

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made Hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 02/12/2010 08:52

Suziehomemaker, I bf ds till he was 4 and dd till she was 3. DS is now 15 and dd 7. I dont expect thanks for bf. We dont talk about it (why would we??). They dont care either way whether they were bf or not, why would your dc be grateful they werent bf?? Genuine question as I cant imagine many children being bothered about it either way.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 08:55

Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. It is part of the relationship between mother and child and as such, your husband has no grounds to pressure you to stop. He has to carve out his own relationship with his child and resist the knee-jerk jealousy and possible embarrassment at feeding an older child in public.

My husband took over caring for our daughter (his choice) when she was 15 months old (he'd always been around until midday every day before that and she was securely attached) and I went to work three days a week.

He actively wanted me to continue as we transitioned to me going back to work so brought her to me every day I worked at lunch so I could feed her. This continued until she was 18 months or so. He said it really helped my daughter as she didn't feel I was far away and that in turn made it an altogether more pleasant experience looking after her (no "where's mummy, I want mummy")

But before I gave birth if you'd have asked him about b/feeding beyond 6 months he'd have raised his eyebrow. Then when she was born it was 1 year, then 2 years. Still doing it but infrequently at past 2.

The only reason I cut down (she demand fed until 22 months) was that I want to TTC and I had no periods for that length of time. We discussed it and we cut it down. I also stopped feeding to sleep as I was still getting only 2-3 hour stretches of sleep. Having stopped that she sleeps through now (hallelujah)

Maybe tell him it will bolster your daughter's security and development and that way everyone wins?

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 08:58

Am truly shocked at some of the responses. He says so, so his wife must obey?! Christ Almighty...

rainbowinthesky · 02/12/2010 09:00

Sirboobalot - It's not that surprising really. I find a lot of this type of attitude on mumnset about men being treated like children incapable of being equal partners in housework and parenting but it's okay because they're men so we all laugh about their inability to look after their dc or use a washing maching because they're men Grin Hmm

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 09:00

Oh, and Suziehomemaker - its not about getting thanks for it, its about knowing you are doing what benefits you and your child. As for being grateful they weren't breastfed... Biscuit

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 09:02

I think about what my husband does with our daughter as he has never once felt excluded.

He wears her in a sling (still slung for every nap at 2.2)
He cuddles her
He takes her to the zoo/aquarium/science museum/natural history museum every week
He drives to her grandparents (only family we have) and they go for country walks and play in the little outhouses, feed the cows
He is teaching her to read
He bathes her
He reads to her
He cooks our dinners
He co-sleeps with her when I'm on a night

She is crazy about him and talks about him like some children do their mothers.

All he doesn't do is breastfeed her.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 09:03

DP had to teach me how to use the washing machine Blush

Okay, maybe not shocked, but disappointed, I guess. I mean for goodness sakes. Its 2010. Are we still that far away from equality?

theevildead2 · 02/12/2010 09:09

Do you see it as an equality thing boob? I assumed most people were deferring to DH because he is the primary care giver.

Sakura · 02/12/2010 09:13

I think this is the one area that men don't have complete control (as opposed to all political and economic life) and men can't handle it.
And entire industry has been created to destroy breastfeeding in order to wrest the one thing that women have away from them and into the hands of corporations (run by men) and scientists

PassionKissUnderTheMistletoe · 02/12/2010 09:14

Well to be completely honest I might have cringed a bit if my mum had talked about breastfeeding me as a baby when I was 15 (all teenagers hate mention of their babyhood by their parents). But she never did talk about it (as rainbowinthesky says - why would it come up?)

However, as an adult I am delighted to know I was breastfed and love hearing about it Smile

drivingmisscrazy · 02/12/2010 09:19

I've skim-read this and think if the OP and her child want to continue to feed then they should, but better that this is with the support of the partner IMO.

I'm curious though - many of the posts attacking his position talk about 'tangible health benefits' of extended bf, or 'physiological' benefits. I know what these are up to age 2, but what are they in fact after 2? the closeness, comfort thing I get (although obviously, plenty of children get this by other means at this age), but what are the health benefits (DD was ebf until weaning, and self-weaned pretty much at 10 months, so I am definitely pro-bf)?

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 09:19

It is partially an equality thing; firstly WRT the formula industry, as Sakura has said. Undermining a womans ability to breastfeed in so many ways. Secondly in cases like this, though very often happens a lot earlier, when a man says for whatever reason "I want you to stop now", and women feel not only torn between their partner and child, but also are encouraged by other people that he should be able to decide.

Just because he is the primary care giver doesn't mean she shouldn't provide something for her child. Like others have said, if he is seriously feeling excluded, he needs to be more creative.

EauRouge · 02/12/2010 09:23

I don't think you should stop just because your DH wants you to but I do think you need to have a good chat with him about it.

Some things to consider-

How would you feel if you gave up BF before you felt ready, would you end up resenting your DH? How would it affect your relationship?

How would stopping BF affect your relationship with your DD?

What about your DH's relationship with your DD, does he think it will improve somehow if you stop BF her?

What exactly are his reasons for wanting you to stop? Sorry, but I don't buy the whole 'feeling left out' thing, especially since he is home with your DD all day. Is this more to do with his feelings about 'extended' BF?

My DH does similar things to ochtayaniye's DH and he has a lovely bond with our DD. The relationship they have is different to the one I have with her but by no means does she prefer me just because of BF.

drivingmisscrazy · 02/12/2010 09:23

this does seem a bit silly, doesn't it, in a context where here (in Ireland) nearly 50% of women never breastfeed at all, citing the fact that 'formula is more convenient'? arguments over when to stop seem misplaced to me in comparison to the issues around why so many women rule it out from the start, or switch to formula after a matter of weeks (citing 'not enough milk' - only 1% of bf women stopped because their partners wanted them too - 1% too many, mind you)

Sakura · 02/12/2010 09:23

absolutely, some people on this thread are suggesting his preferences override hers Hmm There's no 50/50 about a man wanting his wife to give up breastfeeding. That's 100% selfish

spidookly · 02/12/2010 09:31

I would probably stop.

But then I really did find it annoying when DD1 clearly saw me as nothing but a pair of walking boobs, and I stopped with her around 14 months.

MrsGravy · 02/12/2010 10:39

I would want to have a proper chat with him about what is bothering him. If you've got to 2.3 years without him having a hissy fit about breastfeeding then he is presumably not some neanderthal who just wants your boobs for himself. Could he be jealous of your relationship with your DD? I'm a SAHM and sometimes get a bit narked by the reaction 'Fun Daddy' gets as soon as he walks through the door - I do everything for them all day but because they miss him they appreciate him more than they do me.

Maybe he's feeling a bit unappreciated and is blaming this on the breastfeeding. Perhaps he needs to see that even if you weren't breastfeeding you'd still get a big welcome when you walk through the door and he'd STILL feel a bit excluded and unappreciated. It just sounds to me like he's disgruntled and I don't honestly believe stopping breastfeeding is going to help with that - it'll just make you and DD disgruntled too!

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 10:44

My DD is often having a feed at the time DH arrives home from work, the minute she hears his key in the door she's off, throwing herself at him, nothing to do with bfing, everything to do with not having seen him all day and adoring him.

the whole 'not allowing men to be involved' thing really gets my goat too, from day one DH and exclusively bf DD were totally in love with each other, yes he changed all the nappies when he was home, but also he bathed with her, sang her songs, danced her around the living room, burped her, carried her in the sling, watched her sleep, tickled her... I could go on and on.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 10:55

Sakura I think I have a MN crush on you Xmas Grin

MummyBerryJuice · 02/12/2010 11:12

Lol SirBoobalot I was just thinking how eloquently Sakura put things. Smile

I am inclined to agree with MrsGravy though, there is clearly something deeper going on here, Zing's DH has been supportive of her bf all along, and he may be projecting his feelings of exclusion onto the bf when actually he just feels a little jealous and under appreciated. So, if you take it as not really being about the bf then you can have a calm discussion examining the actual problem. Because I don't think that stopping bf will affect the underlying isshoo at all, anyway.

So, if you wean her (against your and her will) fir the sake of you DH's feelings you may find you chase yourselves a lot of heartache for nought.

MummyBerryJuice · 02/12/2010 11:13

Fecking iPone. Chase = cause (obv) Blush

Sakura · 02/12/2010 14:30

Xmas Grin SirBoobALot; and I'm loving your MN name

ClimberChick · 02/12/2010 16:24

oi sakura, leave the scientists alone. We're not that bad Grin (well some of us)

thesecondcoming · 02/12/2010 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 17:21

But thesecondcoming my experience (and it is only mine, I admit) is that my daughter relates one way to my husband (not clamouring for the breast) when he looks after her, and relates to me in another way.

It's a relationship. Even though they are very little they related differently to all their carers and friends and family.

And I really take you up on 'no real need of it'. Who are you to say that?