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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH wants me to stop bf

197 replies

TheBigZing · 01/12/2010 23:41

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made Hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

OP posts:
ShanahansRevenge · 02/12/2010 00:38

Ach...winny the article in the link begins with "Although there has been little research done on children who breasfeed beyond the age of two"

So it's not exactly a scientific or proven thing is it? Its conjcture.

lowrib · 02/12/2010 00:39

Thanks for the link winnybella, some really interesting stuff there, like this ...

In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL of breastmilk provides:

29% of energy requirements
43% of protein requirements
36% of calcium requirements
75% of vitamin A requirements
76% of folate requirements
94% of vitamin B12 requirements
60% of vitamin C requirements
-- Dewey 2001"

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 00:39

Well put Sakura.

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 00:39

and there's nothing wrong with a cuddle and a story, we do that too Smile

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 00:40

There has been little research because they are in the minority. How on earth can it be bad for them?!

ChippingIn · 02/12/2010 00:41

Winny - she does ask for it when her Mum isn't there

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it

TheBigZing - I am glad I have enabled you to think more clearly about your DH's POV. I don't believe any 'physiological benefits' outweigh the negative impact it is having on your relationship with DH or the fact that it is making him feel unable to parent your daughter equally. I think BF is a wonderful thing to do - I just don't feel that extended bf is necessary. TBH I don't care what anyone else does, I simply answered your question - I got annoyed with Winny and her Hmm because someone has a different opinion.... otherwise I would have worded it differently (much more softly!), but I do standby the fact that I feel it is unnecessary and if it is causing a problem you should look at those as well and make your own mind up. Also, your DD asks for your milk (IMO) because this is how she is used to being with you and used to getting close to you - I think there are other ways of her doing this, she will learn to when 'boob' isn't available, but that is up to you.

On the other hand, I wouldn't stop BF just because DH wanted me (as per PF's post) especially if the baby was under a year and if it was about him wanting my boobs back and not about him being the primary carer and feeling at 2.3 she doesn't need it anymore. If the baby was 8 months - I'd be telling him to get stuffed.

winnybella · 02/12/2010 00:43

Shanahans-here, references for the article I linked to. Plenty of studies.

here

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 00:44

chipping - She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it

she has been off work - so she has been home - so there's no example given of the child asking for BM when the mother isn't there.

winnybella · 02/12/2010 00:45

Chipping- no, OP has been at home for the last couple of days and dd was asking for bm. Asking HER. Dh is just annoyed at listening to it.

At least that's the way I understood it.

lowrib · 02/12/2010 00:45

MOTHERS also benefit from breastfeeding past infancy

Extended nursing delays the return of fertility in some women by suppressing ovulation.

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of breast cancer

Studies have found a significant inverse association between duration of lactation and breast cancer risk

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of ovarian cancer

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of uterine cancer

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of endometrial cancer

Breastfeeding protects against osteoporosis.

During lactation a mother may experience decreases of bone mineral. A nursing mom's bone mineral density may be reduced in the whole body by 1 to 2 percent while she is still nursing. This is gained back, and bone mineral density may actually increase, when the baby is weaned from the breast. This is not dependent on additional calcium supplementation in the mother's diet.

Breastfeeding reduces the risk of rheumatoid arthritis.

Breastfeeding has been shown to decrease insulin requirements in diabetic women

Breastfeeding moms tend to lose weight easier

From Kelly Mom - all properly referenced if you're interested.

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 00:45

My extended bf DD just kicked me when she woke up upset and cried for Daddy btw... even 'magic boobs' don't always work!

ChippingIn · 02/12/2010 00:46

Sorry - completely missed the 'I've been off work' Blush

Original poster
TheBigZing · 02/12/2010 00:47

Sorry chippingin, but Robynlou has it correctly - I have been at home for a couple of days. She really doesn't ask for milk when I'm not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBigZing · 02/12/2010 00:48

Xposts chipping. Still appreciate your pov on this.

OP posts:
TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 00:50

Children can't read research papers...

if your DD wants to carry on for a while, let her.

ha ha ha, at the thought that extended bfeeding is all about the mother Xmas Hmm

in practical terms, my DS was an absolute milk monster at 2 years - but a few months down the line, we could establish some firmer boundaries and then we stopped breastfeeding on his 3rd birthday. It was very easy by then.

No way could I have given up when he was 2! It would have been a disaster. Aged 3 he was quite mature about it!

enjoy this closeness with her - before you know it, she will be a teenager and everything will be "whatever..!" Grin

ChippingIn · 02/12/2010 00:52

SirBoob - happy to agree to disagree sometimes Xmas Smile x

Of course you can't make them feed, but you can certainly encourage them to do so when it's what you want them to do.

Anyway - I really don't want to get into an arguement about EBF. I don't normally go onto the breast and bottle feeding board but it came up on active convos - thinking he was being a twat and wanting her body back for his enjoyment, I thought I would give her a bit of support, but when I read it I could see her DH's POV - so thought I would say so....

I don't care what anyone else chooses to do - each to their own Grin

Night all x

RobynLou · 02/12/2010 00:55

people who only bf for the time which children are totally reliant upon milk never quite get that bfing older children is totally different, DD spends a couple of nights away at my parents and has a great time, never asks for 'mum mums'. If my DH is home with her and she's under the weather then she doesn't worry for 'mum mums' she knows it's pointless asking for something which is unavailable.
If we're together then sometimes she won't ask for it all day, and she'll go off to bed with DH, falling asleep listening to a story perfectly happily. Other days she'll be asking for it constantly.
Since she got over the jaundice at 2 weeks I have never offered her milk when it's not already been requested by her, in the early days with knawing at her hand or a scream, later with a sign or pointing, later still with words.
as with many things with a toddler, if you're utterly consistent with something then they accept it, it's hard not to be consistent about the availability of boob when they're attached to you!
Bfing is NOT about making me feel indispensible, every mother is indispensible to her children.

MavisG · 02/12/2010 00:59

If he's sick of hearing her ask for it, maybe you can get it to her a bit quicker?

I don't like the term 'extended' breastfeeding. I prefer 'natural term'.

And this is causing a problem in your relationship because your husband, like many/most westerners, has hang-ups about natural-term breastfeeding. Premature (before either or both you & your daughter are ready) weaning could cause a problem in your relationship too. I would think, a bigger one.

If you've friends who are breastfeeding their toddlers/older children, let your husband know about them, so that he knows it's normal. Maybe spend some time with them if the opportunity arises, so that he can see them breastfeed their kids. Loads of people do it, but it can feel very lonely sometimes in our fucked-up formula culture.

PamelaFlitton · 02/12/2010 01:00

I would stop if asked (not on a whim, but if he was having a real problem) because my relationship with my partner and father of my child is important, and in my opinion outweighs the benefits of extended breastfeeding.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2010 01:04

And how would you define real problem? Would you also change everything else about yourself and your choices if he decided he didn't like them?

Sorry, I just don't get it.

Surely the health and happiness of your child should be the foremost priority?

Sakura · 02/12/2010 01:04

I gave up BF DD when she was 1.8 months, because I was TTC and my periods hadn't returned (As soon as I stopped BF I fell pregnant)

Well... looking back it was too soon for DD to stop. I just know this in so many ways. Too late to turn back the clock.

TanteXmasRose · 02/12/2010 01:09

Sakura - I had to stop bf my DD at about that age...because my DS arrived! I too knew it was too soon, and it took me quite a few years to stop feeling v. sad about it...

I wanted to tandem feed but I was hospitalised when 32 weeks pregnant with DS (he was threatening to make an early appearance) and was in hosptial for 3 weeks on a drip to stop contractions.

My poor DD was weaned very abruptly and I felt like the worst mother in the world.

She forgave me though!!

PamelaFlitton · 02/12/2010 01:10

Real problem as in, had concrete reasons for why it bothered him, not just emotional blackmail. I would change some things if he asked me. Others not. I respect his opinion more than anyone else's, which is why we are together.

I would balance it against the health and happiness of my child. If it bothered him for me to breastfeed at all, then I would still do it for the minimum recommended time, because I think it's important in the early months (within reason).

However, I know he is reasonable and would not make unreasonable demands, and in fact supports breastfeeding but would not be happy with it being extended for a long time. I don't think it would be constructive to just dismiss his issue with it. Ultimately, my baby's future happiness depends on the strength of our relationship, so I think it's wise to keep it to a good level.

Sakura · 02/12/2010 01:11

I feel like mine still hasn't got over it. It took three nights of her screaming and wondering why I refused to feed her Sad Sad Sad
How old is your DD now?

SuzieHomemaker · 02/12/2010 01:12

I hesitate to post this as my DCs were all formula fed with so far as I can tell no health problems resulting (DCs are now at the secondary school age so the whole thing is long gone).

I did try to breast feed all three but to no avail.

DH said afterwards that he was glad when I stopped trying as he had felt excluded by it. As he said, all it leaves the father with is nappy changing when DCs are tiny. He never expressed this or even hinted at it at the time, he only mentioned it later.

Just as a side thought, all three DCs are relieved to now relieved to know that they were formula fed. If you do breast feed, dont expect to be thanked later!

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