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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

DH wants me to stop bf

197 replies

TheBigZing · 01/12/2010 23:41

He has been very supportive of my decision to bf, even when I found it extremely difficult in the early days. He was supportive when I didn't want to stop at 6 months.

He made Hmm faces when I continued after one year, but soon got used to it, although he is very uncomfortable about me bf a toddler in public.

Now dd is 2.3 years and I can still see no reason to stop. I'm back at work full time now, dh is a sahd. The first thing my dd wants when I get home from work is bf. It's how we reconnect after a day apart. I love it; she loves it. It also helps her to fall asleep, comforts her when she is upset / hurt / off colour, and helps stave off hunger when she is waiting for a meal. And all that's apart from the nutritional benefits that I still believe she gets from it.

Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.

I do think about it from time to time but in truth don't feel it's time to stop - mainly because dd is soooo not ready to stop.

Dh is her main carer just now and i don't think I should just totally disregard his opinion. But it's me doing the bf, and I basically want to tell him to fuck off (but haven't of course) What would you do?

OP posts:
winnybella · 02/12/2010 17:23

At the beginning of the thread we had breastfeeding compared to chocolate.

Now it's a dummy.

tsc- did you read the links above? The ones that mention the health benefits for both mother and child?

thesecondcoming · 02/12/2010 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DreamingofFour · 02/12/2010 17:52

The main objection my DH had to bf beyond 9 months was that he wanted his wife back and felt like the baby owned me and my breasts, (and to be fair, sex life only really recovered when stopped bfeeding). He didn't mention this first time round but grew increasingly unhappy with me bfing for the subsequent two. Sounds weirdly selfish but on the other hand he is a great dad and husband in general and I thought that it was important to keep a happy marriage/sex life. I stopped by a year anyway as wanted to conceive again.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 17:56

Agree thesecond

i think "this is a pain in the hole, can we knock it on the head now?" is a reasonble question and gets more reasonable the older the child.

winnybella · 02/12/2010 18:23

'Apparently she never asks for bf when I'm at work so it doesn't cause dh any problems when I'm not around.

But dh keeps asking when I'm going to stop and says he thinks 'it's time'. He says she doesn't need it and it's wrong that it's the first thing she wants when I walk through the door after work - he says it's as if she doesnt see me, just my breasts- and I must be mad not to see that's a problem.

She has been very whiney the last couple of days and I have been off work so she has asked for milk a lot. He says he's sick of hearing her ask for it.'

So...the child doesn't ask for bm when OP is at work- therefore it doesn't make looking after her difficult for him, does it?

Then he has a problem with how the OP is supposedly perceived by the child Hmm. I cannot see where the problem is here and how is it damaging for the child. Seems like it's a made up issue, tbh.

The child was sick for a few days and wanted bm- OP was at home with the child- again, I don't understand how this is problematic for the father.

I just cannot see the father giving any good reasons for stopping. Can you have a look at the passage I quoted and tell me whether I missed something?

ArthurPewty · 02/12/2010 18:38

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thesecondcoming · 02/12/2010 19:27

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spidookly · 02/12/2010 19:36

"If DH stuck his nose in"

Stuck his nose in?

Is that really how you see it if your DH has an opinion on how your child is parented?

winnybella · 02/12/2010 19:48

I didn't get an impression that OP's child whines for bm all the time- just the last few days when ill.

I would also imagine that at this stage the 'family time' is not spent soothing the child (well, at least when she's not sick)- unless OP breastfeeds her 10 times a day.

So, I don't see what possible problem can the father have with his dd asking for bm once OP is back from work. How does it affect him in a negative way? Presumably the OP feeds her daughter so she's not crying for it for ages and thus irritating the father? I genuinely cannot see the problem here.

I agree that both parents should have a say in how the child should be raised. But, tbh, no, I don't think men should have much say re bf-unless it impacts seriously on the family life (child wakes up 5 times a night to bf at the age of 2 etc).

winnybella · 02/12/2010 19:49

*in how the child is raised

thesecondcoming · 02/12/2010 19:56

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArthurPewty · 02/12/2010 19:59

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otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:06

Another thing to consider is that when a toddler is fractious, it could just be fractious. If breastfed it could ask for frequent feeds, but if not could clamour and whinge for TV/chocolate/cuddles/sunny delight. Whatever. I no longer feed my toddler in the day and believe me, on an off day, she can whinge for Britain. With me, and with my husband.

I think it may be impossible to disentangle all the various strands going on here.

Of course, you do have to consider the harmony of the whole family. It would be mad not to. But in a cool-headed way. Without one side pressuring, moaning and being tetchy. I get the feeling her that the DH is focusing on the b/feeding when in reality it could be that the child is just moving into a more 'challenging' phase (common at that age) and he's finding it overall more difficult.

I never set out to be an extended feeder. I don't know of many in real life, I don't talk about it and when I look back to how we thought things would be before I gave birth, I laugh to myself. It just panned out this way and I'm overall glad I did it (although had many sleep-related wobbles)

That said, I did want to TTC at around 2 years and hadn't had a period, so for that sake I did cut down feeding to none in the day and none for sleeping purposes. But I made that decision together, with no pressure.

TruthSweet · 02/12/2010 20:08

Just a Q thesecondcoming but why do you assume that TheBigZing's child is unhappy (when mum is home) so is asking for a bf? Could it not be that the child is so happy mum is home so is feeding to reconnect after being apart?

Children don't just nurse because they are unhappy, they nurse in joy, laughter, tiredness, for closeness, boredom, being overstimulated, etc, etc, as well.

Mine have all nursed as toddlers because they have missed me, because they have spent time with me playing, because they are hungry, because they are overwhelmed by too many people, because they are hurt or ill, and sometimes just because they can. Nursing isn't just about soothing a fractious child who is whining and being unpleasant to be aroundHmm

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:08

Oops, but we made that decision together. Freudian slip....

spidookly · 02/12/2010 20:08

This thread is making me see why some people think I'm weird for breastfeeding past 6 months.

"Moreover, the breastfeeding relationship is MINE and MY CHILDREN'S, not his. "

Um, OK.

Really it's just a way of feeding your child. It's not some big, mysterious, wondrous thing. It's just milk coming out of the place where it's made.

It's convenient in myriad ways.

I just find it hard to get that excited about it.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:10

"It's not some big, mysterious, wondrous thing"

Um, yes it is for some babies and mothers. If it weren't I would have thrown in the towel way back.

fel1x · 02/12/2010 20:12

agree totally with secondcoming, well said!

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:12

I should add I not a misty eyed hippie. But b/feeding for me went way above and beyond mere nutrition. It has shaped my mothering and our relationship.

ArthurPewty · 02/12/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:15

I would say breastfeeding was far, far more important than birth. Because it was something we did when she was here and something we did as we got to know each other and something we did many times a day. It had more impact.

TruthSweet · 02/12/2010 20:17

My DH and I have just talked about this and we wondered if TheBigZing stops bfing and then when she goes home LittleZing cries for 'arms, arms around me, cuddle me mummy' will TBZ's DH insist on no more cuddles as all LittleZing sees is Mummy's arms? It's just bfing it's not some bizarre ritual (and even if it was, why would it be bad for a parent and child to have a greeting ritual after a period of seperation?)

otchayaniye · 02/12/2010 20:20

Exactly TruthSweet. If I'd not continued cue feeding when I was going back to work part time (DH even brought her to my work at lunchtime) I think we'd have found the transition harsher.

Even though I sometimes wanted to get in the door and actually see her face and speak to her rather than her dive into my dress.

spidookly · 02/12/2010 20:22

It's shaped my mother and the relationships I have with both my daughters.

But it doesn't define either of those things and I would not like it if it did.

It's just a biological adaptation, it's totally and utterly mundane and normal and unremarkable.

Is it wondrous and magical when rats do it? Or dogs?

defineme · 02/12/2010 20:27

I'm not saying this is justified, but is op's dh suffering from low self esteem/resentment that being a sahp can induce?
Society doesn't recognize his role particularly and he may feel he's doing a very good job, but no one is patting him on the back and his dd gets distracted by boobs at any opportunity. To top it off you've been at home, under his feet, messing with his routine and dd as whining-trying to get his perspective-not saying this is a reasonable way to think.

Is he hanging a more general resentment on the peg of breastfeeding?