Sad about friend ff newborn

[herethereandeverywhere]

I know this is a subject I'm probably going to be flamed for but I haven't shaken my upset feeling so wanted to share somewhere if that makes sense?

Friend (actually husbands friends wife) had traumatic 2nd pregnancy, baby could have been born very prem but hung on until 37 weeks and 5lb 10oz. All is well and they're home, thankfully.

She ff her first one by choice. When her milk came in she hand expressed to relieve discomfort and threw it away . She's also ff this one he hasn't even had her colostrum.

We saw them yesterday (baby is 4 days old) and she was very engorged but determined not to express a drop, much less treat the tiny little mite to any. I couldn't help but feel so sad for the vunerable little bundle, rooting away as I held him for a cuddle. She then went on to make up a bottle from room temperature water and powder .

I have minded my own business but I'm perplexed as to why she'd do this and why, if you are going to ff, you can't even follow the instructions to safely make it up. I assume she did it with her first and her DD was fine, but much heavier at birth 7lb 10oz also born at 37 weeks.

I'm also a bit confused/surprised with myself as I didn't think I'd feel so strongly!

While he was screaming DD grinned and smiled as she always did after a feed, which make me feel even worse

My ff dd had no problems on formula, whereas my EBF dd2 screamed with awful awful wind after each bf! Each baby is different & I am so pleased you had a non screaming baby, but I don't think that is entirely down to your bf!

it is my opinion that anyone who deliberately and knowingly chooses to FF is amazingly selfish. If i can devote 5.5+ and counting years of my life, so can anyone

WOW, how ignorant & short sighted are you!?

Good for you that you are giving it 5+ yrs, doesn't mean everyone else has to/can, ffs! I gave dd2 5mths, she self weaned because I was pregnant (completely unplanned & I had no idea at the time) & she just didn't want my milk. I tried everything to continue, but had to make the choice that she needed food, so ff her from them!

You would be very wrong to say anything about her choice to ff, however you feel about it. There could be many reasons that you're not necessarily aware of.

But IMO you would be very wrong NOT to say something about the way she's preparing the formula. There is absolutely no excuse for not knowing how to prepare formula properly and what she is doing is downright idiotic. The amount of people who seem to think the hot water thing is about the water and not the formula powder just beggars belief.

LeonieDelt
if mom hasnt got a problem with it, and baby hasnt got a problem with it, then wtf is the problem with it? nothing at all

Same could be said for ff, no?

I do understand how you feel, but this mother is presumbly under the care of a midwife, has received all the appropriate information about bf during her pregnancy, should have been offered the support after the birth and has presumably seen you have a positive experience of breastfeeding. If after all this she has chosen to formula feed that is her choice. We're never going to totally agree with other mums parenting choices and they probably don't always agree with ours, but I hope we would sll support eachothers rights to make the choices which make sense to us.

But we aren't talking about marketing to vulnerable people here, we are talking about 1 woman's choice to feed her baby formula.

And people are judging that mum, who isn't here to defend herself, just like they always do.

What I feed my children is not a public issue, it is my issue, my choice, my life.

Dont make assumptions about me

Just as YOU shouldn't make assumptions about women who ff their children. I can assure I am not selfish, I gave up a hell of a lot for my dd1 when she was born...I just couldn't feed her the way I wanted. It is YOU who is making the most assumptions here!

Couldn't/wouldn't shouldn't matter to you!

Not like someone is advocating you give your child something you don't want to!

Seriously, how does this woman giving her child formula affect you!!

You do what is best for YOUR child & let her worry about her child!

"While he was screaming DD grinned and smiled as she always did after a feed, which make me feel even worse"

She was feeding her 5lb 37 week baby hungry baby milk so he would go longer between feed and she told me that he screamed after every single feed as it gave him a tummy ache. I was just a bit that she was using that formula if it gave him a tummy ache rather than "normal" formula which would only keep him full for 3 hours not 4.

Of course most babies drink formula no problem without it upsetting them and some EBF babies have wind but this particular situation was a bit distressing.

Well, some of you have certainly taken my OP, made it your own and run with it!

As mentioned previously, I would NEVER say anything to the mum in question. So much so, I didn't mention the formula preparation for fear of looking "judgy".

For me, this thread has always been about examining attitudes and feelings - my attitude and feelings. In particular I was taken aback by the feelings I expressed in my OP because in a neutral environment I'm pro mothers choice AND have first had experience of how difficult, on many levels, bf can be.

I think perhaps my experience of bf, that closeness and nurturing which I felt (once bf was established) but didn't and don't feel with ff (just relating MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE HERE!) is something which I projected onto the baby and his mum. My rational mind knows he'll be fine, probably gain weight quicker than a bf baby. I did feel he was vunerable but all newborns are and I think you feel that with every new baby you meet. It's one of the things that makes your heart melt and everyone go "ahh!". I think I was taken aback by unexpectedly feeling so strongly!

reallytired: "jemjabella: Formula feeding is not a criminal offense." - I didn't say it was. I didn't even insinuate anything close to that. Don't put words in my mouth.

MumNWLondon Sorry, I missed that part about hungry baby milk, sounds like the baby was incompatible with that formula..wonder why she didn't swap it!

I think perhaps my experience of bf, that closeness and nurturing which I felt but didn't and don't feel with ff

Interesting that you say that, I hear that a lot! In my case, I had no problems with closeness & nurturing my dd1 who was ff, but I had many problems feeling like I was nurturing dd2 (bf for 5mths). Because it was so hard for us! Milk everywhere, let down hurt, cluster feeding exhausted me, refusal to feed, constant feeding, mastitus, engorgement, her throwing up most of her feed after every feed.....

Very hard to feel like you are nurturing someone in that case!

FFS the woman is almost certainly either on meds that make breast feeding impossible, or she is HIV+ or something else that mean breast feeding is impossible. And chooses not to share this information with a nosy acquaintance who she suspects would run off blabbering to everyone else about it.

i worked bloody HARD to give my kids the very best milk. Which is also why i am so scornful of those who wont try

Again, well done to you (meant genuinely)! But my bf time was a nightmare! I hated it. I would never tell someone not to do it, just that, for me....well it was horrible & I can truly see why many don't do it.

I sat with my dd once, at 3mths...she was refusing to feed. With the stress of it all, I wouldn't let down, so nothing came through. 2 hours I tried to feed, her crying, me crying! Dh wondering what the hell he could do to help!

No emb on standby, no way of getting her food (dh had had a couple of drinks & won't drive)...we gave her water (cooled boiled, before you ask) in the end...don't know why. Dh said maybe it would fool her tummy into thinking she had drunk something. It worked, somehow...she slept for 2 hours(probably from sheer exhaustion) & in the mean time I managed to express an ounce.

Would I do it again...(well, not having any more, so it's a moo point really)....no I wouldn't! And if that makes me selfish, I don't care!

I think someone should give Leonie a halo.

Why should people go through pain, fever etc if they don't want to. You did whoopy do for you. You're clearly some sort of saintly mother figure. Not everyone wants to do what you did. You didn't want to give formula so you didn't. FFS people make different choices.