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Infant feeding

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Original poster

Sad about friend ff newborn

257 replies

herethereandeverywhere · 26/07/2010 10:55

I know this is a subject I'm probably going to be flamed for but I haven't shaken my upset feeling so wanted to share somewhere if that makes sense?

Friend (actually husbands friends wife) had traumatic 2nd pregnancy, baby could have been born very prem but hung on until 37 weeks and 5lb 10oz. All is well and they're home, thankfully.

She ff her first one by choice. When her milk came in she hand expressed to relieve discomfort and threw it away . She's also ff this one he hasn't even had her colostrum.

We saw them yesterday (baby is 4 days old) and she was very engorged but determined not to express a drop, much less treat the tiny little mite to any. I couldn't help but feel so sad for the vunerable little bundle, rooting away as I held him for a cuddle. She then went on to make up a bottle from room temperature water and powder .

I have minded my own business but I'm perplexed as to why she'd do this and why, if you are going to ff, you can't even follow the instructions to safely make it up. I assume she did it with her first and her DD was fine, but much heavier at birth 7lb 10oz also born at 37 weeks.

I'm also a bit confused/surprised with myself as I didn't think I'd feel so strongly!

OP posts:
wubblybubbly · 26/07/2010 21:10

I thought something like over 70% of new mothers tried breastfeeding initially, although the figures do drop off rapidly. That would indicate that most women using forumula aren't totally selfish, but have tried and given up bf for a myriad of reasons.

Also, if a stranger was rude enough to ask me why I was ff DS I'm not sure I'd be particularly inclined to go into the full sob story and would probably respond with something like 'it wasn't for me'. I guess that might be enough for Leonie to group me in with the 'selfish' lot.

ladysybil · 26/07/2010 21:12

trying and failing at breastfeeding is one thing
saying that it wasnt for you is another thing altogether.

ArthurPewty · 26/07/2010 21:18

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shimmerysilverglitter · 26/07/2010 21:21

Read the thread, don't want to get into a barney but I agree with the OP.

wubblybubbly · 26/07/2010 21:22

ladysybil, would you honestly expect anyone to give a stranger a blow by blow account of why they failed at bf?

Or even to acknowledge that failure, that may well be felt very deeply?

What I choose to reveal of my own personal story is my choice. You can make whatever snap decision about me, your choice. Doesn't make you right.

enzed · 26/07/2010 21:25

I've read all this with interest as I have ff my baby since birth (she didn't even have colostrum), and I am happy with my choice. Although I know "breast is best", the research I read about the medication I'm on meant that I felt more secure and safer using formula.

Fortunately, I am confident with my choice and have never regretted not bf. But for those mums who regret giving up bf or ff from birth, is it not hard enough being a mother without having other mothers making judgements about how you are looking after your baby. Surely, mothers should support each other in their choices rather than being horrible about what choice they make?

Furthermore, the mums i know who choose to ff, are not selfish and dropping their children off with babysitters to go out as and when they choose. Despite not bf, i still don't go out at the drop of a hat / drop my child off to work 16 hour days / get drunk at every opportunity, because at the end of the day, ff or bf, there is still a small baby to care for (which I hope I do to the best I can).

ArthurPewty · 26/07/2010 21:31

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reallytired · 26/07/2010 21:35

"More than likely, the people who have chosen to FF from day one are secure enough in their choice that I'm not making them feel horrible."

Do you want to make anyone feel horrible? Its very sad if you do.

Why the vitrol?

enzed · 26/07/2010 21:39

Exactly, so it's only making mums who already feel bad for stopping or not bf feel worse than they do already, and they really need support rather than being made to feel even worse.

ArthurPewty · 26/07/2010 21:39

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wubblybubbly · 26/07/2010 22:01

Agreed enzed. It took me a good while to forgive myself for failing with BF, this sort of stuff really didn't help.

Like someone said earlier though, as DS got older I made so many other mistakes the BF failure eventually took on some perspective.

reallytired · 26/07/2010 22:02

LeonieDelt, what are your trying to achieve with this thread? Do you lack confidence in your own parenting abilities?

harverina · 26/07/2010 22:16

OP, I completely understand why you felt sad, and think that I would have felt the same. I think that you did well not to say anything at all. Whilst I truly believe that it is up to a mother and father how their baby is fed, I see no wrong in trying to educate or influence others to breastfeed. This, however, does not mean that people should be made to feel bad. For example, I might have suggested to the mum that she try expressing to relieve her discomfort and that she could give the expressed milk to her baby. If she said no, fine, if she said yes, then as someone with experience you could have given her support.

I think that it was unfair for the OP to be criticised as being judgemental. I think that only good can come out of people promoting breastfeeding. The OP sounds compassionate. Maybe people need to be more judgemental rather than just sitting back and accepting what is the norm - people can make judgements without being nasty. Why should people not have an opinion on how baby?s are fed? Surely if more people spoke up about breastfeeding and promoted it, more people would end up breastfeeding? I promote breastfeeding whenever I get the chance ? I do not, however, try and make people feel bad about the decisions that they make. People know in their hearts if they tried their best. No matter what anyone says, FF has become the norm and it is a norm that should be challenged. Breastfeeding is the most natural way to feed your baby.

Leonie, I can see you are very passionate about bf'ing. I agree with some of what you are saying - I believe that women should at least try to breastfeed. It makes me sad when women decide not to even try to breastfeed. However, there are definitely valid reasons for some women not trying to feed - some factors which cannot be 'seen'...i.e. social and familial influences.

However, attacking people who formula feed is not going to make more people breastfeed - what will make more people breastfeed is educating people that breast really is best and work to promote breastfeeding as being normal. We need to promote breastfeeding in public places and give people support to breastfeed. So many women give up feeding because they have not had the support they need to continue ? health workers will often suggest that a women moves to formula feeding when they come up against a problem without trying to support the women through the difficult time. Very recently, I was advised to give a formula feed to my DD in the evenings. I didn?t have to do this as I had the support to work through my problem.

harverina · 26/07/2010 22:16

Oops just realised how long my post is, sorry

ladysybil · 26/07/2010 22:39

wubbly, i would never ever comment on anyones feeding choices, unless i could see actual child protection issues (and i mean real social services kind) so the question you have asked will never come up in reality.

but yes, if i personally see/experience a woman acitvely choosing to withold her breastmilk from her newborn baby for no other reason than that it wasnt for her, then i will judge her and find her wanting. but, that will be in my mind, and never vocalised. people make all sorts of choices for all sorts of reasons. what seems incredibly negligent to me, is perfectly acceptable to someone else. its not something i intend to get involved in.

wubblybubbly · 26/07/2010 22:46

ladysybil, but in all fairness, how could you possibly know what a mother's reasons were?

BeerTricksPotter · 26/07/2010 22:55

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ladysybil · 26/07/2010 23:07

wubbly, i couldnt, which is why i wont get into the discussion at all. and why i totally understand the original posters sadness.

MumNWLondon · 26/07/2010 23:12

Morloth, yes, anger was my reaction too on reading Politics of Breastfeeding.

TBH after reading it I care less about those in the UK who choose to FF - as I posted earlier in the thread I experienced a similar situation to the OP 7 years ago and felt the same as her.

But now I am just angry about FFing in the developing world. The UK FF or BF debate etc seems irrelevant.

Angry that formula is promoted by international companies to women who don't have accesss to clean water, or to equipment to sterlise or to a fridge. Or the ability to boil water without lighting a fire etc. Where feeding a baby formula costs a whole wage of the average person. Many of these women think that as the formula comes from the west its superior to their breastmilk as obviously westerners would only give their babies the best etc.

And angry that the companies have used the AIDS epidemic in Africa to again market formula.

GiddyPickle · 26/07/2010 23:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladysybil · 26/07/2010 23:16

totally aggree with all those things. makes me very very angry.
i came accross some formula advertising to young men!!! that truly made my blood boil.

AllSheepareWhite · 26/07/2010 23:23

Would feel exactly the same, but like others have said it is her choice. I would as a good friend just gently say something about the temperature of water for the bottles though as she may not know. My niece is FF as her mum couldn't keep up supply when her DD was still in neonatal unit (2 1/2 months prem) as she could only express enough at the hospital and has 3 other school age kids to be home for. So sometimes FF is only answer. Do find it difficult sometimes as when I hold her she smells my milk and always cries and roots.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2010 23:26

I could have wept as I passed the baby to it's Mum for a bottle

Oh FGS, wasn't like the baby was being starved, it was getting food! Don't be so dramatic!

frasersmummy · 26/07/2010 23:38

I cant believe all these I am really sad a baby is being fed formula attitudes

If that is all you have to be sad about then its time to count your blessings

There is no need to feel sad for a baby who is loved, clean, stimulated, cuddled and well fed - and yes babies are well fed on formula.

differentnameforthis · 26/07/2010 23:42

I, too, think babies look very odd with a big silicone teat in their mouths

That 'big silicone teat' you speak of, save my premmies life! It was formula or nothing for her, as no one helped me feed & no one told me that premmies find it hard to latch, by the time I worked it all out, I was dried up & still in hospital!

And that 'big silicone teat' in dd2s mouth was often giving her EBM!

But lovely isn't it.....yet another thread judging a mother who isn't even on her to defend herself!