Sad about friend ff newborn

[herethereandeverywhere]

I know this is a subject I'm probably going to be flamed for but I haven't shaken my upset feeling so wanted to share somewhere if that makes sense?

Friend (actually husbands friends wife) had traumatic 2nd pregnancy, baby could have been born very prem but hung on until 37 weeks and 5lb 10oz. All is well and they're home, thankfully.

She ff her first one by choice. When her milk came in she hand expressed to relieve discomfort and threw it away . She's also ff this one he hasn't even had her colostrum.

We saw them yesterday (baby is 4 days old) and she was very engorged but determined not to express a drop, much less treat the tiny little mite to any. I couldn't help but feel so sad for the vunerable little bundle, rooting away as I held him for a cuddle. She then went on to make up a bottle from room temperature water and powder .

I have minded my own business but I'm perplexed as to why she'd do this and why, if you are going to ff, you can't even follow the instructions to safely make it up. I assume she did it with her first and her DD was fine, but much heavier at birth 7lb 10oz also born at 37 weeks.

I'm also a bit confused/surprised with myself as I didn't think I'd feel so strongly!

I haven't had the experience of seeing a friend ff a newborn at all, nevermind knowing it was a case of won't rather than can't, but I'm sure it would make me feel sad too.

jemjabella: Formula feeding is not a criminal offense. Maybe its the optimal way to feed a baby, but it is satisfactory. Sometimes satisfactory is good enough.

Breastfeeding is the best way to feed the majority of babies. However its not the best for every family.

I met a three year old who breastfed constantly at a La Leche League meeting. I could not help wondering whether what the child wanted was what he needed. Ie. a child of three years old who breastfeeds like a newborn is not developing his play skills.

I fed my son until he was two years old and there is very little difference between him and his friends were formula fed at the age of eight. He is very healthy and ofcourse I think he is loviest boy I know.

When your children are eight years old, no one cares how they were fed.

Oblomov - I agree with that - its all very good saying that people could have ptsd or be on lithium or are those few people that dont make milk but the reality is that lots of people simply dont want to - its either seen as middle-class or weird or hippyish or all three. To deny that is simply ignoring the facts.

Having said all that its still none of our business (apart from in the wider political sense) how anyone else feeds their babies. And no-one should be judgemental about it.

You see Leonie - if I was going to be as judgey about your 22 months old feeding as you were about the ff then I would say that that style of feeding is learnt behavior but that would be ignoring what you said about the autism so everyone needs some slack really dont they.

Yes of course - as they do for parents meal choices or exercise choices or educational choices or simple bad luck but we cant go round pontificating about all of these.

omni, i am judgemental of everyone. about everything. i think everyone is. truth be known.

Leonie - many thanks, you've now made me cry. I know there is nothing wrong with exclusively FF my 2 children - some of us just don't want to BF and its people like you who bully us into thinking we should BF.

Thanks for ruining my evening

LeonieDelt - I have the best immune system of anyone I know - guess what? FF from day one... Hahaha!!!
As I said - issues much?

FFS, she is forumla feeding the baby milk, not arsenic. Why would you feel sad???

Is anyone else getting bored now?

I'm amazed that I'm still alive as I was FF (child of the 70s plus my mum was in intensive care after I was born so really was poorly and didn't have milk).

It's no-one's business how someone else feeds their child. The only people who should be worried are it's parents. Nagging people and trying to make them feel bad about their choices doesn't work (with milk, smoking, drugs, whatever).

I'm so glad I've never met anyone in RL like the fanatical breastfeeders on here. Do you all walk round tutting on other mothers?

I understand you being upset SIL second baby both ff by choice was turning his head to try and attach and when she spotted the damp patch on her shirt pulled away and put him down. The baby also did the same when I held him Sil spotted and immediately snatched him back DP said when we came out about how sad it was to see that he wanted some milk but I told him it was his sisters choice and she wasn't harming him he agreed.

SIL also does that with the formula I never said anything as I didn't realize it was wrong I have never made it up.

Leonie - you are right (about breast being best) but its just not PC to say so I'm afraid, because you will make other mothers feel guilty about their choices. I agree about the selfish point as well, but only for those who don't bother to try at all, not those who sadly give up due to lack of support.

It always amuses me on the pregnancy board that so many women worrying about odd glass of wine, soft cheese, liver yet will not follow WHO advice of EBFing for 6 months.

Or that if you say on mumsnet you are going to put your newborn to sleep on his tummy or in his own room from day one its irresponsible but no one would say that if you FF.

But there are some cases other than AIDS, when BFing is not always best (if you read politics of breastfeeding you'll see that even with aids better to BF if not guaranteed to access to clean water et etc).

I am thinking of a close friend. She tried to feed her first child, but she got very depressed (had history of depression) and BFing was hard (maybe didn't get enough support) but either way within a few weeks she was suicidal (her husband wrote a book about it and even I, who helped her through earlier depressions etc was shocked. She obviously stopped feeding at that point but when her 2 later kids were born she managed to avoid the very severe PND by FFing and taking very strong medication immediately after birth.

I think thats rubbish frankly Leonie - people dying 10 years earlier in certain areas of this country compared to others is not just because they were all formula fed its to do with poverty and social exclusion and everything that goes along with that.

That is the worst health indicator not how you were fed as a baby.

totally aggree with op. whenever i see formula fed babies i feel sad. i dont say anything, but i feel sad.

The analogy i always think of is feeding your nine or ten year old dogfood, rather than proper meals, but even that isnt the same. but i dont say anything because neither formula nor dogfood are going to harm the babies/kids in the way that arsenic would. But i still fail to understand why any mother will choose to give her baby/child something that isnt the absolute best that she possibly can

Why the anger? LeonieDelt

I do feel for you as I was in the same place seven years ago.

Life is never black and white.

It is our reaction to life's events rather than life's events that can spiral us into depression.

This is a surperb website

www.livinglifetothefull.com/

Politics of BFing made me angry as well, so fucking angry.

How could they?

Whether you accept FF as satisfactory in a first world country is one thing, but it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to work out that if you make up the milk with dirty water there is going to be a problem, or that poor people are going to try to stretch the milk because they have no fucking choice.

Bastards.