Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

I told you - the total school population in 2024/5 was around 9 million. You can work out the rest of the maths for yourself.

You claimed there was a “huge” specialism whereas in fact it’s very small, and many other types of school trauma, that’s really all there is to say.

I did not go to boarding school myself.

My parents sent me to private school when they couldn’t really afford it. It was a stressful home environment due to being aware of the precarious financial position. I don’t think it was worth it, I would have done well anywhere and would have benefited from a home environment where stressful finances were not so tight. BUT I also think it would be cruel to take this opportunity away now that your son is excited and geared up to go. Sorry not very helpful.

I went to boarding school. Absolutely hated. It turned me from a happy girl, thriving in school with loads of friends into a meek, bullied (for being too posh at a posh boarding school, go figure!), unhappy child. It took a good year after leaving to actually get over it. I left at 16. I'd never send a child to boarding school.

Some children love it. Some are scarred for life.

700K new kids join per year. You're alive and not in school from 18-80, so thats 62 * the fraction of 700K who are in boarding xxx

But they are not “fringe” issues - the hatred the OP is experiencing on this thread demonstrates the strength of feeling. Going to Eton is not a neutral excellent education. It’s an excellent education that comes loaded with a huge amount of cultural baggage he’ll have to cart around for the rest of his life.

I send my own kids to private school, and that in itself will come with a certain amount of baggage. But Eton has come to really symbolise something about privilege and unfairness in the British psyche. It’s hard to see how that is worth the difference between Eton and another very good school.

It might depend which industry he chooses to go into - but in mine, it would be very poorly received.

I think you need to think through longer term - when does this mean mortgage will be cleared? How many other kids have you got? What about the extra curriculars like ski trips and so on.

Then to add on top of that what about university - have you thought about how that might be paid - we are super stretched with daughter at Uni in London, we are not a high income house we just about scrape 50 odd k but contribute a large sum each month to meet costs which isn't covered by the reduce living loan. what will yours be?

Absolutely not to remortgage. You can't afford it. All for doing everything to help our children on their journey but the possibility of losing your home - nah. Life only has to take on unexpected turn and you'll be in huge trouble.

It's hard for me to be truly objective about this because I hated boarding school so much (not Eton), but personally I wouldn't stretch myself to this degree. Eton is obviously a huge privilege and status symbol, but it sounds like it will put you under huge financial pressure and the stress of that will be awful. And on top of that you'll be away from your boy for weeks at a time, when it sounds like he would thrive wherever he is schooled.

However - I recognise that my views are coloured by how unhappy I was at boarding school, and not all pupils hate it the way I did.

I have no doubt that Eton would provide an amazing education and allow you son to experience things that no grammer school could match but honestly @ArtHistory I think the cost (and I dont just mean the monetary cost, although thats definitely a significant factor) is too high.

I wouldn't make that choice. You say yourself he'll achieve the same results at a local school. Universities do, I think, look more favourably on kids from a state school education. And you don't seem to have considered the wealth that the other boys come from and extra costs for school trips, etc. You say you are going to struggle now but that won't be all you have to pay out. But then I don't think Eton is all it's cracked up to be, and I couldn't send such a young kid away, so it would be a no brainer for me.

@ProcrastinatorsAnonymous How nasty. Why judge people for the actions of their parents? We have truly become a horrible country. Your sole concern is whether someone can do the job. Not be judgemental about their parents! Especially ones scraping feed together. How divisive we have become and no wonder private school students stick together.

I presume you need to factor in insurance for both your health/death in case something happens and you can no longer afford the costs. What happens if the costs rise by eg 10% pa?

You have the opportunity to send your son to the finest school in the world and endow him with a world-class education that will stand to him for life. Take it! Ignore the envious begrudgers on here. Most of them are simply jealous because: a) Their kids aren't bright enough to get into Eton; or b) They lack the resources to send their children to such a wonderful school.

As an ex boarding school kid I would never send any child of mine to boarding schoo.
Yes, it does make you more confident and probably more articulate too as a result but it’s a necessity - a survival mechanism. Needs must when the devil drives.
I think they are at heart still deeply lonely and problematic places for many children. Bullying still exists despite all the anti-bullying policies, and a place like Eton where there is enormous wealth and privilege will hardly be exempt.
There will be a huge disparity between your DS and sons of foreign royalty, of British nobility, of Russian oligarchs and of everyday billionaires from anywhere.

There will be other scholarship boys too of course, and they will be made aware of it every day. Sorry, but kids can be awful to other kids they perceive as different.
You say son is excited by the thought of it. Yes, so was I. The reality came as a shock. If I were you and funds allow I’d be finding him the best, most academic public school that days takes day pupils, some of whom will be girls. (Which is very much better for the school and its pupils.)
And even King Charles was bullied when he was at Gordonstoun. He was different too.

I'm amazed about how many people think the destination (in this case, exam results) is so much more than the journey (school life itself).
And how uninformed some people are about boarding schools.; as if unwanted, unloved children are shipped off at 8 by disinterested parents who are only interested in partying in the Cotswolds country mansion, only to return as mentally messed up, basket cases with sizeable coke habits at 18.

They haven't seen the 9 hole golf course, the 10 cricket pitches, 24 tennis courts, the full size drama theatres, the in-house artists teaching A Level art. etc.

We are having a similar dilemma in our house; in my case it's not about money, it's that my DC has their heart set on boarding school - almost all of their friends are going - which my husband supports, it's me that for purely selfish reasons wants to keep them at home.

But I digress, your son will get a wonderful education at Eton. Why don't you call them and explain the change in circumstances due to fiscal drag etc.
Would I remortgage my house in your case? Hard to answer without the facts but for example if your house is worth, say, £2m ish, with a £300k mortgage and you'll have to take on additional borrowing of £200k then yes, I'd probably do it.
Unlike what some posters think, there are plenty of hardworking families with children at boarding school and sacrifices are made to afford the fees.
Your sacrifice will be additional borrowing on your home or potentially downsizing in the future.
Yes, your child will do well at the local grammar. Probably amazingly well academically from the sound of it. But the opportunities at Eton will not be matched by the grammar school. Speak to Eton. You won't be the only one in this situation. They've heard it all before.

Good luck OP.
(in your shoes, and with the limited info I have from your post, I'd probably try and make it happen for him.)

I do think there is a bit of magical thinking going on here. The OP thinks she can afford Eton for her son-while also, more realistically thinking she can’t. She is confidently predicting perfect 9s at GCSE for a 12 year old-which nobody can possibly do. And posters are saying that what school or university you go to makes absolutely different these days. Which is patently not true.

Eton is an amazing school with a fantastic range of opportunities. The guys I know who’ve been there (age range 19-54) have really loved it and some have chosen to send their own boys there. I am always impressed with the huge breadth of knowledge of current affairs, culture, all sorts, that Etonians have. Whether I would remortgage my house for if, though…If I could have afforded it comfortably, I’d happily have sent my sons there.

it really depends on the equity you have on your house in the first place . If I owned my house outright I def would remortgage for my son to go to Eton !
can you please tell me when is this offer for as I am waiting for an answer in regard to bursary and a place . Thank you

Please consider all the extras in your calculations. Also, the future uni costs as I expect u would want your ds to continue to uni and time goes quickly.

I know a family who had to pull their daughter out of a public school (to my ds's state juniors) because of the extras they didn't consider the costs of.

Have you actually read the thread? There has been a respectful difference of opinions, but no unkindness
@dicentra365

You don’t think these comments are unkind?

You’ll also need to factor in his therapy fees
I know a few people who went to Eton, they’ve all got mental health problems as adults
Serious bragging rights. But at some cost
Sending your kid to Eton isn't exactly community minded.
Humble brag

Op, I knew you’d be getting these responses as soon as I saw the thread. Any thread where a poster asks about sending a dc to private school there’s a pile on by people who enjoy having a go at such parents.
If it’s possible send your son. It’s an excellent school.

I'm not being nasty - I'm simply reflecting back my experiences in the world. The majority of people in the UK are at best irritated and at worst appalled by what Eton represents.

I went to private school (a tiny one - not a famous one) and encountered people at work at the beginning of my career who had an issue with it, and made that clear. My parents weren't wealthy. I had a scholarship. I was the first in my family to even sit A-levels. Nobody cares, and it's embarrassing to have to start trying to justify it.

My own children go to private school because I feel the difference in education between that and a state school is worth it. But I accept they will probably encounter some pushback on it later in life. I would not consider the extra difference between Eton and the next best grammar or private school to be worth the additional baggage a child who goes to Eton (through no fault of their own!) then carries with them into adult life.

If you say you went to Eton, people immediately have a huge number of assumptions. The person can overturn those assumptions - but it will be hard work. If you say you went to a private school fewer people have heard of, or to a grammar school, you've probably had almost as good an education, and it's not such a massive deal. I know which situation I think offers a better start in life. And that's without putting the family into financial jeopardy and having all of that pressure sit on your child's shoulders.

Agree with all of this

I went to university with some old Etonians. In my experience, they were well balanced men who could get on with anyone, no matter their social class.

Totally agree!

i agree it shouldn’t happen but it does. Also look at baby name threads- plenty of name choices get a huge response from posters that may put the child at a disadvantage or at risk of prejudice for numerous reasons. It shouldn’t happen but it does.