Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

Nope. I will start by saying I am from an upper middle class background and do not disapprove of private schooling. However, Eton is something else. If you are not able to manage the fees comfortably, have a house/estate you would happily invite aristocracy to, PLUS pay for skiing/adventure holidays, the latest tech in phones, yadda, yadda, he is going to get bullied unmercifully by some of the pupils. (Unless, of course, you ARE impoverished aristocracy, where umpteen centuries of upper-class breeding will trump your poverty.) I don't give a toss what their anti-bullying policy is, or how inclusive they say they are nowadays, it will happen. Yes, I am sure it is a fantastic school and offers far more than the local grammar, but do you really want him at the mercy of a load of braying BoJo clones? Unless he is super resilient and has the hide of a rhinoceros, I really think it would not be a good decision.

I haven't read the whole thread but was in a similar position. My sons, now in their fifties, got Eton Junior scholarships from their state primary school. This was for 3 years at prep school and 5 years at Eton, boarding. We lived in a non-grammar area and could never have afforded fee-paying education. One boy was bright, the other brilliant. The bright one thrived, the brilliant one didn't but I've no idea what else we could have offered him.
The amount we had to pay for the scholarships was affordable and reasonable. Eton wants bright children and wants to encourage parents to send them there. I do not understand how your contribution is so onerous, I think you need to have further discussions with them.
I was unhappy about the boarding, I would rather have had my children at home, but it gave them resilience and independence. Your son sounds as if he would benefit from it, but please don't beggar your family for it, especially if you have other good options.

Interesting.
I've seen some old Etonians on the tv who are total shits.

I hear you @ArtHistory, I too spend a lot of time wondering how successful I would be on OF.

DD does not board but her school is about 60% of the cost of our mortgage and leaves us very stretched. We knew this would be the case when we enrolled her and made the decision pre-enrolment to prioritise her education and sell our house to allow her to continue at her school if it ever came to it. Rising mortgage costs hit us quite hard but 3 years in and we have never once regretted our choice of school for her. It’s difficult to regret it when she’s so happy, thriving and achieving in her school.

You mean ignore the people who aren’t saying ‘go for it’? Why did you even bother posting in the first place? Should’ve just spoken to yourself in a mirror or chat gpt

If he'd do well at any school and you have great local schools I don't understand how the extras he'll maybe get re independence etc are worth putting yourselves at financial risk for. Plus not seeing him everyday. Makes no sense to me. There's plenty of other ways he can have great experiences, learn confidence etc. It's a big no from me. I love having my children at home with me. I watched this, it's about children going to boarding school and settling in. It reinforced what I already thought.

The thing is, that means your sons presumably entered the employment market in the early / mid 90s? I think attitudes towards Eton have changed a lot since then. It was probably still very impressive to people back then - a marker of real accomplishment and all round education. But today, it carries a lot of BoJo / Rees-Mogg related stigma.

Sorry, OP, I really hope I'm not being unkind as I certainly don’t mean to be.
The point I was trying to make is about boarding schools in general and how they may affect children adversely. Not all, of course but definitely some.
Even the best of them can still be cold and lonely places where affection is very limited. And both parents and children may not realise this at all, initially.
There are some reasons for this, of course. We can all be very comfortable to hug and physically console our 13 or 14 year old children. We might also not feel nearly so comfortable about other people, strangers to us, who do the same. And I am not necessarily questioning the motives of such boarding school staff who do this… or condemning the ones who keep children very much at arms’ length. They have to protect themselves too.
But again, abusers do exist and may actively seek out lonely or otherwise vulnerable children.
It’s not just about the education.

It really wasn't my experience at all. And I come from very much the opposite side of the social strata, as it were. I found the ones that I met to be perfectly nice.

I went to a private boarding school. It was all right, I didn't hate it, and I guess I did get some opportunities that I probably wouldn't have got elsewhere. However, I still remember only too vividly the awful pit of homesickness that I used to have for a long time every time I went back after a holiday or even just after an afternoon out with my family.

When I had my children, I simply couldn't contemplate sending them to boarding school. When you think about it, unless you have to send them because of your job of something, it really is quite weird to entrust your children's upbringing to a load of strangers, let alone to give them the power to discipline them, look after them if they're unwell, etc. DS1 went to an independent day school which regularly comes near the top of the GCSE and A level rankings, and did very well there. DS2 was having none of it and wanted to stay with his friends so went to a local comprehensive. I can't say his results were fantastic, but I strongly suspect that would have been the case wherever he went, and again he's done absolutely fine since.

In your shoes, if it's geographically possible, I would have tried for a day school or two as well as Eton with a view to giving your son a wide range of options. I fear that may be too late for you, however.

I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't take a remortgage for a school, specially if the ones that I can afford are also very good.

You are getting a serious bashing on here, from lots of people who hear the name Eton, and have no experience of boardings schools. But some are making the right points, albeit from the wrong place.

I know lots of people who attended boarding school, including Eton, and including my DH. The vast majority are successful and social. Yet I would never, ever, send my child to boarding school, knowing what I know. Of the approx 50 off people I know who attended, only 3 would say they were really happy there. One of those only went at sixth form anyway.

I’m sure there are lots of children who have a nice enough time, but all the adults I know who attended suffered multiple issues as a result of going. Many say they didn’t tell their parents how unhappy they were because it was seen as “failure”. They are much less close to their parents than those who attended day schools. They struggle with attachment and relationships, having been forced to be so self reliant at a young age. Therapy has been key to addressing that - including for my husband.

Yes things may have changed now, but children should be able to turn to their parents at the end of a tricky day, talk about it, and get a hug from the people who love them unconditionally. And personally, I struggle to imagine any school that is so good, it would overcome being away from my child for a minimum of 5 days a week. It definitely isn’t Eton!

You also need to consider how crappy it feels to be the poorest kid at an expensive school. I had that experience and it was not fun.

Putting all that aside, if you have to re-mortgage to do this, that is a foolish financial decision. It is impossible to know if it is “worth it”, but again, you need to weigh up how extraordinary the opportunity needs to be to create significant financial pressure on yourselves for years after his education is over. What if one of you gets ill? Or dies? Or suddenly has caring responsibilities that cannot be met if working part time? What if there is a sudden and significant expense to cover? It sounds like it means having less money for your child towards a deposit. Or further education. Stretching yourself that far, is simply unwise. I only send my child to private school because I have no mortgage so no other financial pressure. I would not contemplate it in any other circumstances, I certainly wouldn’t get a mortgage to do it.

Funny how people who say “I don’t mean to be unkind” add a silent “but” and go on to be unkind.

As the OP has stated herself, she is not asking about boarding schools in general, she’s asking a financial question. If you can’t answer the question or offer relevant advice why are you clogging up the thread?

@ArtHistory i have seen this excat same post about two months ago , why are you reposting this ?

Boarding school gets a lot better f stick from older people saying how miserable they were. My son was a day boy and was desperate to join the boarders because sachet had such a great school/fun balance. Modern boarding is very different and we also raise our children nowadays to speak about their feelings so that also makes a massive difference from the stiff upper lip of bygone days.

How can you turn it down it’s the best opportunity ever ! I would take it and make it work I know a lot of boys from Eton they are great. My son had a 50% bursary not there but at a good public school he boarded and we are still fantastically close. Good luck he will love it

The OP is asking if it’s unwise to put the family under so much financial pressure. It essentially comes down to a question of “this will be hard financially, is it worth it?” So comments about the potential benefits and drawbacks of a boarding school education are entirely valid. That’s what sits on the the other side of the “Is it worth it” equation. You can’t tell posters that their contributions are irrelevant just because you disagree with them.

My partner boarding (not Eton) and he hated being away from family. He still holds all emotions in and struggles to share feelings. Emotionally stunted him.

Add in you have to remortgage to afford it together with the fact you have excellent alternatives, why are you considering it?

I don't think he'd be able to 'be himself' as a bursary kid who's parents remortgaged their house to send him there when he'll be surrounded by the children of billionaires.

I think you are bonkers to consider it.

I’m surprised by all the negative comments here. If people weren’t so ignorant, they would know that parents around the world sacrifice far more than just remortgaging their home to give their children the best possible future.

I’ve met many adults who studied at Eton and later went on to have amazing careers. If you believe in your child and think they will do well, I would definitely recommend it!

BillieWiper · Today 17:26
I don't think he'd be able to 'be himself' as a bursary kid who's parents remortgaged their house to send him there when he'll be surrounded by the children of billionaires.

There are quite a few boys on bursaries at Eton so he won’t be the single ‘bursary kid’.
My dc had their school fees paid by grandparents. Our house is small and scruffy but when their friends came to stay they seemed perfectly happy (and loved having a fire in their bedroom as there’s no central heating upstairs).
My ds said anyone being boastful would’ve been told to be quiet.
When children are living cheek by jowl it’s personality that counts, not parental wealth.

That’s not true. Everyone I know and went there is from Eastern Europe got in with a scholarship.
Their parents definitely did not have money.

Yes, there are plenty of wealthy parents who send their children there, but there are also many talented students from all kinds of backgrounds.

Ouch that sounds a huge financial commitment. Obviously completely understand when it comes to your children we make insane decisions but I think if you’re already that stretched, your son will notice the wealth gap enormously when his friends can afford the designer clothes, expensive holidays, expensive school trips, uniform (my nephews have all boarded at a private school from toddlers to sixth form level and WOW the uniform costs alone are eye watering!), instruments, etc. I would think really really long and hard about this and consider the local private schools if the financial commitments aren’t so huge and same bursaries available. Also, the deal breaker for me would be the boarding. They are only children once I could never lose this significant amount of time with any of mine, already feels too much with standard school hours- but equally, genuinely no judgement for people that do, I just couldn’t. Xx

Ok I’ll bite (I don’t normally comment on boarding threads). My DS went to Winchester on a bursary he’s now nearly 30.
Firstly he a well adjusted happy caring and emotionally intelligent young man and he and I have an extremely good relationship. So I don’t believe boarding has done him any harm. I came only speak for those who looked after him, it was not “cold lonely place”
If your DC is a well adjusted confident happy child who enjoys lots of opportunities and is from a secure loving family they will likely thrive in a good boarding school providing the ethos of the individual school suits them. Children from dysfunctional families with anxiety issues attachment issues school refusers those who are reluctant to join in with activities sports haters I could go on (I’ve worked in boarding schools) are likely to struggle.
Like your DS he was a straight A* pupil, we didn’t do it for results, or status or the “old boy net work”. Ive worked in state schools both outstanding grammars and top comprehensives and I wanted him to receive a broad all round intellectual education he was very science/maths orientated but I wanted to receive what used to be called a “renaissance education” rather than an exam factory. I don’t care what anyone tells me in my extensive experience even the highest regarded grammars can’t offer what a school like Eton/Winchester and a few others is able to offer. They simply don’t have the money facilities or resources.
I used to say that only when you attend these places do you realise how much a small group of children receive in comparison to even children in other private school and certainly comapared to children in the state sector.
Im not discussing the rights and wrongs of that just stating a fact.
So would I remortgage my house to pay for it? It’s a good question. We didn’t have to. And I’m not sure a lot depends on your circumstances. If we’d lived in London with all the opportunities London has to offer including the slightly niche sport my DS played pretty seriously at the time and a myriad cultural opportunities we would probably have taken up the place we were offered at SPS. But we lived pretty rurally no niche sports for a 1 1/2 drive, no culture again an 1 1/2 drive yes highly regards both grammars (he had a place at 1) and comps but not what I think education is about although I still can’t decide if we would remortgage for all that sorry.