Boarding School wobble

[ArtHistory]

So my DS has a place at Eton with a sizeable bursary. I think it will be an absolutely amazing school for him - he's got an insatiable thirst for knowledge, loves his sport, his art, his music etc etc, and he is excited about going. However, I'm starting to have a real panic that it is too much of a financial stretch for us, and I can't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday. (I know the latter worry is because he is still this sweet, loving little boy who wants his mammy, and that will change anyway).

To be clear, we're not sending him to Eton for the results - he'll get straight 9s no matter where he goes. We're in a grammar school area and the local comp is also excellent, so these are the alternatives, and with these we would pick up the pieces for sport outside school (though the music and art would drop). We think its the right school because it will allow him to be himself, help his confidence, and also allow him to be challenged. Plus obviously the extra opportunities that he can access are world class.

Financially, we will have to remortgage to cover the fees, and I'm shitting myself that we will struggle to manage the mortgage. With the bursary, I feel like we'll be in a catch 22 situation where anything we do to improve our financial situation (like get a better paid job) will not relieve the pressure as we'd see the bursary reduced.

Are we being stupid putting ourselves under this much pressure? I know you can't tell us that for sure, but presumably if you're reading this thread, you understand the benefits and can reassure us that this is worth it. (Or, do you know any ways to make the fees manageable (legal or otherwise 😂)? Is there an OF market for overweight, middle aged ugly women???

The maths is right.

The point is there is a large and in demand specialism of psychotherapy specifically to deal with the fallout from boarding schools - exactly what part of your ego are you trying to protect by downplaying those facts?

Boarding suits some children extremely well and others not at all. I know some children who specifically wanted to go to boarding school and really enjoyed it.

But you’re not going to get a balanced discussion about boarding, let alone Eton, on MN.

The thing is, why deny him an outstanding education because of all the fringe issues you mention here? Who cares what future people think about him having been to Eton? Who cares if other pupils are rich? If he wants to go and the OP can get a better bursary, he should go, and get stuck in, and brush off any silliness about others being richer or dealing with class prejudice, whether it comes from other pupils or from people who will judge him for having been. I don't think others' potential censorship should stop him from seizing this opportunity with both hands and making the best of it. As for the richer pupils, he should be honest that his family isn't as wealthy and just say straight that he can't afford to go skiing with a group of friends, or whatever the issue is. Anyone who doesn't want to be his friend because of that isn't worth their salt, anyway. And he won't be the only boy there on a bursary anyway. Some will be from very poor backgrounds and will be on full fees and a grant.

Kind of hoping this is a wind up. The fees are the tip of the iceberg for this school. How will you afford the extra curriculars?

I think Eton (and boarding schools inngeneral) is a bad idea regardless of how much money you have but if you have to put yourself in such financial stress in order to send him there, it sounds like it really isnnt worth it.
It sounds like he will be academic and successful no matter what type of school he goes in to so I personally would never choose such an extreme environment for my own DC.

Humble brag

I think you would be much better off saving the money and using it to help him start out in life.

He is clearly going to do well wherever he goes.

It’s about the network. You literally would not be able to replicate the network he’d build at any other school in the world
It’s rare to see someone so openly state the unfair nature of independent schools and the ‘old boys’ (or girls) network, so well done for that.
How disgraceful that we allow this to still be the case in the 21st century.

No it’s not, your maths is incorrect. And there is a very small specialism within psychotherapy to deal with boarding school issues. There are many other kinds of school trauma.

I wouldn't be against remortgaging my house under the right circumstances but I would want to discuss this further with people who have actual lived experience - MN is certainly the wrong forum for that.

I think this is good advice op.

You will get some who are just anti-boarding on here, then some who are just blindly pro because they went/have sent their own and were fortunate enough to do so without needing to scrimp and save.

What you really need is feedback from families in similar situations, who have made similar sacrifices and have similar hopes for what they want from the experience and I would have thought asking if you could speak with other bursary recipient families might be a good place to start?

Seek financial advice. Keep advancing at work. Be prepared to swap him out if, after a year or two, he is wanting to go to another school.
Your child will likely make the most of any good school, including Eton.
He can always work hard to earn money himself during Summer holidays.

This❤️

If it’s any consolation, it’s total nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been true in the past, but you can’t just throw your school name around and expect doors to open any more. I actually know of more people who hide their school name from their CVs due to stigma!

I agree with the advice to speak to the school again to find out if there is more financial help available. If not, I really don’t think any school, including Eton, is worth remortgaging your home for.

I’m retired now but I have worked in both state and private schools. Some children will achieve their potential wherever they are educated and it sounds like your son will do very well in the local grammar. If you send him to a local school, he can continue with sport, music and other hobbies as there will less financial pressure on you.

Yes, this is the reality these days.

I'm not saying there are not reasons for choosing expensive independent schools, (personally, I think there are), but this really is no longer one of them.

I think outsiders can be really mistaken about that, and it is only fair to be very clear on that when someone like the op is considering very substantial financial pressure to send her DS.

I honestly cannot for the life of me work out why you’d send him and put yourself in such a precarious financial position. I earn well but I never wanted to pressure of private school fees - what if you lose your job? If you’ve already re mortgaged then surely you have zero safety net. Surely a risk of losing the house entirely. If he’s got a good grammar place, take that - he will have local friends and they will come from similar, motivated families. I also worry about the boarding school culture - families are very wealthy and I’d always think he’d be the poor relation…

That's such a pity that they feel the need to do that! I think people should be who they are and let the chips fall where they may. If you've been to Eton, own it! If you've been to a state school, own it! There's nothing wrong with any type of background.

OP's son could put on his CV that he was a recipient of a significant bursary. I think it looks really good that he got in and that they wanted him enough to do that.

Christ alive. You can't just say "your maths is wrong" without saying what and how.

Also - of course there are lots of school trauma - this however is a clearly evidenced one with a psychotherapeutic specialism that covers it. I am going to go out on a limb and say you went to one and you're protecting your mental identity :D

Boarding school causes enough trauma than there is a mental health specialism in it. AVOID IT.

Experiences will vary and I do not know Eton but I sent my son at 12 to an expensive Swiss school for various reasons. I think it may have made what he is today. He is a Director in a multi Billion $ company. He had been at private schools in uk and had some learning difficulties (dyslexia) previously but they did not suit him(!).
We do know a chap though who went to Eton, a grandson for a top Uk previous politician whose father is well know but he has never worked for some reason - though he graduated from a good US uni. He has been abandoned by his family for a few years now. His mother died when he was fairly young. I think he gets some payment from a trust. So don't think Eton did much for him.
Also there's a chap who was at school in Switzerland with son - he is also at rock bottom - did pedallos in Oxford St. at one time. His father died when he was about 20. They lived in Monaco. He did buy a mine in Canada years ago but it turned out to be a flooded dud.
So as I say - experiences may vary.

@ArtHistory hi when is your son’s place for ?

DON’T DO THIS

FWIW - his straight nines will be worth more when he applies to university if he’s been at a comp.

Universities contextualise all grades.

He would do well wherever he went, but you have chosen somewhere that isn’t financially viable!

My husband went to a well regarded boarding school. He has severe mental health issues, average results and unfortunately terrible manners!!!!! I will not let my son board

I've no skin in the game ,it's not anything I would of ever been able to do for my DC.
However if I'd had the opportunity,I'd of moved heaven and earth to give my DC such a fantastic start in life .
My advice is do not let this opportunity slip through your fingers
If it wasn't a better opportunity for your child ,then people would not pay
We all want the best for our children

Unfortunately it is getting very hard, especially for boys from Eton. Some doors now close to these students simply because they have had the privilege of attending the school, bursary or not.

In fact, I recently read the entry conditions for an Oxbridge, 'taster course' and they actually stated that they do not take into account if the student was on a bursary, they will not be prioritised along with all the other private school students.